Cosmo Speaks
(Greatly anticipating the next set of matches, the fans were on the edge of their seats with anticipation and exuberance. BRA always bragged that they delivered the best and so far, the promotion was on to another exciting evening. Fans with their signs, t-shirts and every other form of support screamed and waved their hands, cheering to the point where they hoped that they would be shown for just an instant on television. Cari and Kenny waited at the announcer�s table for the next match, bickering between each other, with the argument finally won by Cari after displaying a sign of force to her co-worker. Suddenly, �Superstar� by the Lords of Acid belted from the sound system, heralding the approach of Becca Blush. The fans began to scream and boo, showing that the naughty nurse was hardly one of their favorites. However, the fans were surprised when Cosmo McKinley came from the curtain, followed by the redheaded nurse, Ansalong, of which many of the male fans had their own form of dedication.)
Kenny: Quacks and their sleazy nurses have no place in this promotion.
Cari: Shut up! Maybe he has a cure for your endless boredom. (As the bald doctor, dressed in his white pull over coat, tiny round glasses and menacing sneer approached the ring, Ansalong came behind him, waving to the fans and blowing kisses, rubbing her hands on her thighs and bending over so slightly to the point where the male audience who brought their dates were having a tough time explaining why they were staring. As Cosmo reached the ring, he waited, with his arms folded and foot taping, as Nurse Blush saw his anger and hurried to spread the ropes open so he could enter. He withdrew a microphone and waited for the fans to finish jeering and throwing their trash. Fortunately for him, nobody was close enough to hit.)
Kenny: This is going to be a travesty. He has his hands in everything around here.
Cari: Exactly. That�s why you better shut up! (Cosmo smiled broadly as he brought the mike to his mouth.)
Cosmo: There are countless people in this world who think that they are happy.
Ansalong: Well I�m always happy.
Cosmo: Silence, ninny! (Cosmo returns to the audience, smiling like the Cheshire Cat, slick as a snake oil salesman and twice as sneaky.) But the nattering of my nitwit nurse notwithstanding, I have something very important to tell you all. A little bit of silence and respect is all I ask.
(Realizing that silence and respect are not forthcoming, he begins to stare at the audience with an angry look. Kenny comments about how Cosmo would do everyone a favor by slinking back into the hold he crawled out of, while Cari ardently defends him. Finally, an idea dawns upon the sneaky psychiatrist.)
Cosmo: Oh, I intend to say my piece. The longer it takes for you people to listen, the longer it will be before the matches start again. Trust me, I have all night if need be.
(Silencing, slightly, the crowd is clearly in a rage, chanting unkind things towards Cosmo and making catcalls to the nurse. Shrugging, that this is the best he will get, he continues.)
Cosmo: As I said, countless people in this world THINK that they are happy and truthfully are not. For my entire career, I have dedicated my life to making people more . . . happy. That is why I come before you � as a humble servant of mankind � to implore to you not to take out your frustrations on Lindsey Locke. The sweet girl has been going through so much, lately. All the pressures of being so remarkable. All the love and devotion she has for you fans � despite her more recent . . . ah . . . stumblings. She is truly a great competitor and truly a survivor. Do not let her transgressions of the bottle as of late change your opinion of her.
(Ansalong crosses her eyes and pretends to hold a bottle up to her mouth, stumbling around like she is drunk.)
Kenny: This is disgusting!
Cari: Absolutely. Drunks have no place in BRA. Cosmo is coming out here to offer his services to Lindsey and listen how these fans react. Makes me want to smack the taste out of their mouths!
(Cosmo continues amid the jeers.)
Cosmo: Let it not be ever said that I am a man who does not take a charitable case. Since my love for humanity is so strong, I feel the urge � no � the DUTY � to lay at Ms. Locke�s feet my professional services. I have taken great stars to the top and let them bask in the sweet glow of success. Lindsey, let me help you. Lindsey, let me assist you. Where were the fans when, er, Johnny Angel was out to put the screws on you? If you truly care about the fans, then you will allow me to lift your soul back to the once noble pillar from which it once was . . .
(The fans jeer and scream, chanting bullsh1t at the doctor. They clearly have little sympathy for his plight and Kenny agrees.)
Cosmo: (with a wicked glare) After all, who else knows more about the sins and syntax than me? I have seen it all. Let me show you the light at the end of the tunnel before it becomes an oncoming train, sweet child . . .
(With that, Cosmo leaves, amid the boos from the crowd, with the peppering of sexual comments towards the nurse. As they pair make their way back to the top of the ramp, Ansalong turns, bows and blows kisses to everyone until the arm of Cosmo appears through the curtains yanking her back to oblivion as the cameras cut to commercial breaks . . . )