Kayla Vandergriff vs. Buffy LawrenceMatch by: Lord Pumpkin
(The camera fades back in from the commercial for BRA�s newest sponsor, the newest Sega video game, �Ed Wood�s: Plan Nine From Outer Space.� The crowd goes wild and various lunatics can be shown wearing clothing supporting their favorite wrestlers. The camera pans in on one fan wearing a black duster, shades, and carrying a stake. Another fan is seen dressed as Lisa Dream, complete with World Championship Belt. Finally, one fan has decided to brighten her wardrobe with an �Alexandra Parker Original.�)
Sandra: Welcome back, everybody! In the last match Peggy Christiansen and Yvette Malreaux, two always-entertaining athletes, fought it out for us.
Garry: That was a great match! In fact, it was so exciting that I feel that I should not repeat one word of it so that the fans that did not tune in don�t get an advantage over those who did.
Sandra: (looking at Garry, most perplexed) Uh, well, maybe. I can never figure you out.
Garry: I�m a complicated man. No one understands me but my woman.
Sandra: Do you even HAVE a woman?
Garry: (bowing his head, sadly) No.
Sandra: That explains so much. Wait! We�re about to start.
(The lights begin to flash, swerving all around the arena. Buffy�s �Slayer Symbol� pops up on the Angeltron. Suddenly, �Sandman� by Metallica begins to blare. Then, just as Garry is getting into the mood, it switches over to �Push It� by Salt-N-Peppa. Garry looks upset and makes a face trying to see if he is hearing things correctly. The crowd roars when Buffy makes her entrance from behind the curtain. She is carrying a duffel bag. The athletic blonde wears her red and black striped sports bra with matching bikini bottom. She makes her way to the ring, stopping ever few steps to do a small �bump and grind� for the audience. She throws the bag down at ringside.)
Garry: (saddened) Hey, what happened to Metallica?
Sandra: Um . . . I . . . um
(Suddenly, smoke begins to pour into the arena from the back. The pale and seductive Kayla �the Ab-Dominator� Vandergriff. Kayla�s black nailed fingers begin to run themselves down her stomach, prickling her flesh. She is wearing a black leather bikini. Loud strains of gothic rock blare through the arena, raising to a crescendo of rupturing levels. Suddenly the music stops at the foul sound of flesh smacking against flesh can be heard from the loudspeakers. The fans are too afraid to jeer her. As she walks down the aisle, she looks intently at the ring and the Slayer. Kayla�s attention is suddenly drawn to a young girl holding an 8x10 picture of Jenny Anderson. Kayla snatches it away and pounds it into her stomach, with great force. However, it does no damage to her. The picture rips and drops to the floor. The small girl begin to cry and Kayla merely laughs. As soon as she gets to the ring, she looks up at Buffy and smiles. As the smoke clears from the back, Comte Andre-David Malreaux appears. He is wearing a black Armani suit that he fills out, nicely. The shirt is red and collar-less. A matching handkerchief rests in the top pocket. His blond hair is in perfect place, and he makes his way to ringside to join Kayla. Buffy looks down at them both and points, screaming something. However, due to Kayla�s loud gothic music, she cannot be heard. Kayla merely smiles and leaps to the apron, rolls under and does a parody of Lisa Dream�s famous bump and grind.)
Garry: (shouting at Sandra - however she cannot hear him)
(Suddenly the music goes off.)
Sandra: (shouting as loud as she can) - - - I SAID . . . Ooops. Sorry, Garry.
Garry: (holding his ears in pain) Stupid woman! Christ, what a friggin scatterbrain!
Sandra: Well, while you were yelling at me, the bell has just rung and these two ladies have prepared to lock up.
Garry: Wow! Buffy has opened with a punch to Kayla�s stomach and the Gothic beauty is just laughing like it tickled!
Sandra: Do you even know what a �Goth� is?
Garry: Actually, Sandra, historically speaking, the �Goths� were a Germanic tribe who sacked Rome in 410. This, in turn, lead to the divisive movement within the early Christian Church called the Donatist movement. This heresy was stamped out, causing North Africa to become devoutly loyal to the Christian hierarchy. In any event, hey eventually settled in what we now know as Romania, on the north side of the Danube and adjacent to what is now known as the Soviet Union. In the fourth century they went to war with the Huns of Asia Minor. Now, I find it fascinating that Kayla Vandergriff, a woman with an obvious Germanic name, would be attracted to the �Gothic� lifestyle. Very poetic, yes?
Sandra: (looking quite confused but impressed at the same time) How . . . ? What . . . ?
Garry: I was a Rhodes Scholar, Sandra. I did my thesis on Ancient Societal Cultures Whose Factors Led to the Breakdown of Rome. Ah, but enough about that, you are missing the match. Besides, Ms. Van Driesal is not paying me to give you an education.
(As the two commentators look back to the ring, they see Buffy has continued to deliver blows to Kayla�s stomach. The dark beauty watches, with boredom as Buffy continues. Finally, after having tired of it, she proceeds to kick Buffy right in the face. This sends �the Slayer� reeling back to the mat. On the outside, Andre-David claps with excitement, nodding approvingly to Kayla. She responds by pouncing on the fallen blonde and delivering brutal kicks to her right knee.)
Garry: Yeeow! That looks painful! However, it could not be happening to a �nicer� person.
Sandra: How can you say that?
Garry: The Body Shop are a bunch of cheaters and they show it every week.
(With her good leg, Buffy kicks Kayla in the face and sends her back against the ropes. Kayla grabs her face in pain and Buffy limps to her feet. Buffy surveys the situation and goes on the offensive. She realizes that her punches to the gut have been ineffectual. She quickly whips the dark beauty into the far turnbuckle. Buffy follows up with a powerful body hit. She then pulls Kayla out and body slams her into the center of the ring.)
Sandra: Buffy seems to be well in control now.
Garry: But the idiots always screw up. Especially Shoppers.
(Buffy runs to the ropes, bounces off, and goes running to the other ropes with the intent to land on Kayla. However, when she hits the rope closest to the announcer�s table, Andre-David casually puts his hand in and trips her, sending her face first to the mat.)
Sandra: Bastard!
Garry: Oh, it was only a . . . �love tap.� I think he likes her.
(Kayla seizes the moment. She goes back to work on Buffy�s knee, pounding it by grabbing her leg, twisting it, and falling on it to the mat. With every scream from Buffy�s mouth, Kayla seems to take great pride in her punishment. Andre-David, however, feigns concern for the poor girl. He then waves to Kayla, encouraging her. Kayla, while Buffy is stunned, picks up her opponent by her sports bra and delivers a kick to the head. When Buffy falls, she begins to stomp all over the blonde�s body.)
Kayla: (sneering) �Slayer?� This is the point when the Slayer becomes the Slain.
(As Kayla leans over to pick up the blonde bombshell, she reaches up, grabs and handful of Kayla�s hair and throws her down to the mat. Buffy rolls on top of her and begins delivering a series of blows to the face, head and chest. Realizing that Kayla�s stomach is too touch to damage, she has wisely changed her strategy. She picks Kayla up and attempts to put her in a piledriver, intent on putting her away. Kayla, however, has other plans. While her head is between Buffy�s legs, she takes her fist and plows it into Buffy�s knee. Buffy screams in pain and falls over to the mat. Kayla jumps up and grabs both legs of her blonde opponent. Andre-David takes this opportunity to slink his way over to Buffy�s bag. He seems interested in the contents.)
Garry: This match is going back and forth, Sandra, like you back to your apartment every morning!
Sandra: Watch it, round boy!
(Kayla gets a look of sheer diabolical cheer and yells to Andre-David. He responds by jumping on the apron and yelling at the official who turns tuns to get him off the apron. Kayla seizes the moment to deliver three stomps to Buffy�s crotch while the blonde is lying on her back. At the fourth stomp, Kayla positions her foot in Buffy�s crotch, uses it as leverage and catapults her across the ring, head first into the turnbuckle. Buffy�s head bounces with a sickening crack and she stumbles back, dazed. The official turns just in time to see Kayla go for the pin. He jumps down to count but Buffy kicks out after two.)
Garry: Aw, c�mon ref! Are you slow? Kayla had her!
Sandra: Only because she and Yvette�s smarmy cousin cheated.
Garry: Oh, why is it you only see my friends - er, other girls cheat? Plus, I know you like Andre-David. He�s popular with the ladies.
Sandra: Attractive or not, evil comes in many forms.
Kayla has turned to the official and has begun clapping her hands in a �counting� way, showing him he should have gone faster. As she is backing him into the corner, seething with anger, Andre-David tries to warn her about Buffy sneaking up behind her but she is lost to her own anger with the official. Andre-David buries his face in his hands as Buffy spears Kayla from behind and rolls her up. Andre-David makes a swipe at the official as he runs over to start the count but he misses. The official begins to count, but something happens in the package of bodies that are Kayla and Buffy. Buffy falls off screaming, holding her nose, bleeding. Kayla jumps up and backs off, smiling. The official, who thinks he knows what has happened starts yelling at Kayla who plays innocent and shrugs her shoulders. She then brushes past him to go back to work.)
Sandra: (angry) That little monster bit Buffy!
Garry: (playing dumb) Huh? No? Really? I didn�t see it.
Sandra: (waving her hand, dismissing his comments) Pffft! Ray Charles would see more than you!
(As Kayla continues to hammer away at the poor joints of Buffy, she takes great pride and satisfaction, based upon her cruel laughter that joins every hit. Andre-David, the dashing cousin of the Marquise, approaches the announcer�s table, purposely getting in Sandra�s line of vision.)
Sandra: (furious and trying to dodge around Andre-David in order to see the match) Get out of the way, you frog!
Andre-David: Pardon?
Garry: (smiling, kindly) Oh, don�t worry, Andre-David, you�re fine. This one is as useless as jpgs to Helen Keller.
Sandra: Why are you here, anyway?
Andre-David: (thinking philosophically clearly trying to be a �smart-ass�) I believe Jean-Paul Satre said that . . .
Sandra: No, you idiot! Why are you here at ringside? You have done nothing but cause trouble.
Andre-David: (offering a sly grin) I like being around female wrestlers. Attractive women in tight clothing wrestling around on the floor? Ah bien, it is magnifique!
Garry: Right on!
Sandra: You perverts disgust me!
(Andre-David leaves the pair, confident that he has bothered Sandra enough and climbs the stairs to the ring for a �better view.� Buffy has kicked free of a one-count pin and Kayla has backed off. Buffy is still bleeding from her nose and is wiping it away. She has a look of fury on her face as she decides her next move. She draws Kayla closer by yelling something obscene. Kayla lunges but Buffy has tricked her. As Kayla comes forward, she lunges the gothic princess, and they both fall to the mat. The impact has winded Kayla and Buffy responds by jumping up, lifting her by her hair and swinging her around, letting her fall, but never releasing the hair. Kayla lands with a thud and a scream. Buffy responds with a boot to the neck. Andre-David is shouting at the official to maintain some balance or control. Buffy responds by flipping the Frenchman off. Andre-David acts as if it is the most offensive thing he has ever seen and begins jumping up and down. Buffy, takes Kayla, and swings her into the ropes. Before the Frenchman can escape, the gothic beauty impacts into him, sending him off the apron and onto the floor.)
Sandra: Ha!
Garry: Your Lordship, are you OK?!
(As Kayla rebounds off the ropes, Buffy is waiting. She locks Kayla into a sleeper hold and begins to apply pressure. The official runs over to check on Andre-David. Seizing the opportunity, Buffy turns the sleeper hold into a chokehold, and Kayla begins to flail. Much to the chagrin of Kayla, Andre-David is doing more harm than good by keeping the official districted while Buffy continues to choke. Andre-David is holding the back of his head and screaming bloody murder. He is screaming obscenities while Kayla is struggling for air. Realizing that Andre-David is causing more harm than good, Kayla reaches her arms around the back of Buffy�s neck and drops her, slamming her chin into Kayla�s shoulder. Buffy�s head snaps back and she falls prone on the mat. Kayla jumps up and yells something at Andre-David which appears to frighten him.)
Garry: (snarling) Ab-Dominator Time!
Sandra: I fear, unfortunately, that you are right.
Kayla: Now, dear �Slayer,� it is time to flatten you!
(Kayla swings over to Buffy who is prone. She makes a claw out of her hand and buries it into the abdomen of the blonde. Buffy thrashes as the gothic princess squeals in delight. While Buffy is winded, Kayla lifts her up, places her face-to-face bear hug, leaps into the air and falls forward with her weight now landing hard on Buffy. She keeps the hug and locks Buffy�s legs with her own. Kayla then begins the horrific process of raising her belly up and slamming it down on Buffy�s stomach.)
Sandra: This makes me sick. I really think I am gonna be sick!
Garry: Perfect! Sandra is going to show us the Technicolor Yawn!
(Andre-David, still holding his head has climbed the apron to view the scene better. The official has gotten down to see if Buffy submits but has refused. Kayla seems more frustrated and begins to crush her abdomen with all her strength. Buffy is screaming in agony which only makes Kayla happier. Finally, with tears streaming down her face, Buffy nods her head and the official calls for the bell. Following the bell, Kayla continues to apply the dreaded move. This causes Buffy to scream even louder as the tears stream down her face. Andre-David begins to cheer. The official finally forcibly removes Kayla from her sickening pleasure leaving Buffy writhing in agony on the mat. Andre-David grabs Buffy�s duffel bag and enters the ring. He rushes to Kayla and pecks her on the check. She pushes him away in anger, remembering his allowance of the chokehold. He whispers something to her, holding the duffel bag. Kayla pulls out spray paint.)
Sandra: What�s this? Kayla is going to use that on her?
Garry: Wait a minute, it was Buffy that brought the stuff down! She was gonna use it on Kayla!
Sandra: Um, well, oh shut up!
Kayla: (screaming and shaking up the spray paint) So, the lassie fancies herself a poet, does she? Spray paint MY house? Well, lets see how you like this!
(The official attempts to stop the humiliation but Andre-David gets in his way, yelling about his head again. Kayla stomps Buffy in the head and spray paints, �Poetry Slut� on her stomach. When Buffy gets up to take a swing, Kayla shoots it in her eyes. Kayla then kicks her in the face, sending her to the mat, and finishes with tossing the paint can at her head. Andre-David and she make their exit gloating over the fans. The official kneels over Buffy, checking to see if she is OK.)
Garry: That was great! Another dirty player gets her comeuppance!
Sandra: (disgusted) Screw you! We�ll be right back with the three-way match between Americana, Kelly Mase, and Jenny Anderson.
(The camera fades out to an advertisement for the video, �Jerry Springer: Famous Naked Brawl Outtakes! II,� a best seller, for sure.)