(The camera comes back from commercial panning the sold out crowd at the BRA arena. The fans are on their feet in anticipation of this, the last match on the first card that BRA has had in three weeks. The camera stops at the announcers' table where the rookie announcers are prepared for the final match of their first card.)
Kenny: (Smiling brightly for the camera) Welcome back everybody.
Cari: Do you really think anybody is still watching? The dreck that BRA has been serving up is not the stuff to keep the fans glued to their TV screens.
Kenny: What do you mean? We have seen some of the finest women in all of women's wrestling. There has not been a bad match all night.
Cari: The only reason the matches have been close is because all the wrestlers are equally bad. If there was a half way decent wrestler in BRA she would have no trouble winning all the matches here.
Kenny: I think that you are underestimating the wrestlers in BRA. They are all very good. (Looking at his computer) In fact, my statistics show that the average BRA wrester is 44% better than comparable wrestlers in other leagues.
Cari: Why don't you stick that computer where the sun don't shine? Then I can demonstrate some really great moves on you.
Kenny: (Not getting the threat) COOL! But we will have to wait because here comes FaceOff.
(The Angeltron will explode to life, showing clips of Eden Starr pinning Missy McKinley and Jennifer Christian, interspaced with clips of Peggy in some of her better moments. "We got the Beat" by the Go-Go's will play loud over the loudspeakers. Then FaceOff will appear in giant letters, prompting cheering from the crowd. At the height of the cheering Peggy and Eden will step out together holding hands and raise their free hands to the cheering crowd. Peggy is dressed in a simple black one piece swimsuit, sheer tights and white wrestling boots. Eden wears her a blue, red, and white one-piece. In the center of the chest is a white star, while the red and white portions are strictly on the belly and lower regions of the suit. They are divided down the middle and end at the hems on the sides as well as the hem between her legs The rest of the suit, including the back, is dark blue. The shoulder straps cross across Edens shoulders in the back. Both women give each other a hug and go down opposite sides of the aisle, slapping hands as they go to the ring. )
Kenny: I really like this tag team. They have both age and youth. Peggy has been guiding Eden's career and they work well together as a team. Most importantly they do not cheat.
Cari: They sound like total losers to me.
Kenny: Because they don't cheat?
Cari: That's right. The purpose of wrestling is to win. Win at all cost. They give no prize to those who refuse to do certain moves because they consider it "cheating". They only give title belts to those that win.
Kenny: Huh! An interesting philosophy. Well here comes their opponent the current BRATT holder, Laura Parker.
(The lights dim and the angeltron comes to life featuring pictures of Laura's wins. Pyrotechnics go off near the entrance and When the smoke clears Laura is standing in the entrance way. She is dressed in white latex pants with black over the knee boots. She wears a white bikini top and carries both of the tag team belts over her shoulders. Her hair is perfectly in place with not a strand out of place nor a split end in sight. She smiles as she is greeted by the usual mix of cheers, boos and wolf whistles. She walks toward the ring like a beauty queen making her entrance. Shew waives her hand in that beauty queen fashion where only the wrist turns. Following Laura into the arena is Willie Wienersnitzel, Laura's Hollywood agent. He is dressed in a cranberry "disco" suit complete with a white ruffled shirt with the top four buttons unbuttoned, full Cleveland (matching white patent leather belt and loafers.) and five pounds of gold chain around his neck.)
(Laura parades into the ring and smiles at her opponents before taking the mic from the ring attendant.)
Kenny: WOW! Is she pretty.
Cari: She has enough plastic in her to never sink in the ocean. I heard that she has had so many tummy tucks and face lifts that the cleft on her chin used to be her belly button.
Kenny: Now that is cruel. And not true at all. Laura is a natural beauty.
Cari: I believe that silicone is a naturally occurring element.
Laura: Well, well, well! IT seems that Archangel just can't come up with a way to stop me. First she sends three midgets against me and I easily defeated them. Then you forced me into a match that was three on three. I came away from that with both the tag team belts. It seems that no matter what you do you can't cheat me out of what is mine.
(Laura smiles broadly as she holds up both tag team belts. The crowd reacts with a mixture of cheers and boos at this.)
Laura: Now you have chosen TWO wrestlers to fight me. These are two GOOD wrestlers. I'll bet that you think that would upset me, don't you Archangel? But that doesn't bother me. Do you know why that doesn't bother me? Because I have more than just one other person on my side. You see I fight for all those unfortunate kids that suffer from Childhood Onset Neuralgia. I know that those poor children are counting on me and those good people that have become members of Sincerely Understanding, Caring Kind and Enthusiastically Romantic Selves. This is a horrible illness that afflicts many young children. Won't you BRA fans, the greatest fans in the world, join with me in putting this dreaded sickness in a submission hold that it can't get out of? You can do this by sending your contribution to the BRA great charity challenge. Won't you join me and my good friend Linda Locke . . .
(Willie waives wildly to get Laura's attention. She goes over to him and he says something that is not picked up by the mic.)
Laura: I mean my good friend LINDSAY Locke. By contributing to the Charity Challenge in care of Battling Ring Angels, P.O. Box 111 Las Vegas NV, 10445.
Kenny: Isn't she wonderful?
Cari: PLEASE! She nearly made me toss my cookies.
Kenny: You just can't stand the idea of people helping those less fortunate than themselves.
Cari: Yeah, Laura is an example to all of us. An example of a bimbo that doesn't know when to shut up.
(Laura hands the mic back to the ring attendant. All three wrestlers go to center ring to get the instructions from referee Martin "the mole" Melville. Laura begins to flirt with Martin but he doesn't seem to notice. She begins to stroke his arm.)
Laura: Could you repeat that? You have such a sexy voice.
Martin: Do you really think that I have a sexy voice, Peggy?
Laura: I'm not Peggy. I'm Laura.
Martin: Oh . . . well . . . what . . . I said . . . was that this is a one fall match (gulp) with a 30 minute time limit.
(Laura runs her fingers through his hair)
Laura: You say that so forcefully. You are such a virile man.
Peggy: Can we cut the crap and begin wrestling?
(Eden grabs the refs other hand and signals for the bell. It rings and Eden leaves the ring leaving Laura in the ring with Peggy. Both wrestlers circle each other looking for an opening. Laura feints with a chop to the chest, that Peggy blocks and then kicks Peggy in the side. Laura grabs Peggy's arm and whips her into the ropes. She leaps and sends Peggy crashing to the mat with a drop kick to the chest. Laura runs to the ropes and jumps to the second one, springing off with a moonsault. Peggy brings her knees up and Laura lands hard on them. Parker rolls on the mat in a ball trying to get her wind back as Peggy crawls to the corner and tags in her partner.)
Kenny: (Punching in some keys on his computer) According to me statistics, anyone attempting a move like that in the first five minutes of a match has a 98.327% chance of having it backfire on them. Laura should have known that move wouldn't work.
Cari: According to my statistics, you have a 99.99999% chance of never getting laid.
Kenny: I don't think that is an appropriate topic of conversation for a show that has such a large number of children watching.
Cari: What isn't?
Kenny: You know . . . (Spelling it out) S E X.
Cari: Jeez, can we get back to calling the match?
(In the ring, Laura has managed to get her breath back and Peggy has tagged in Eden. Eden rushes into the ring and attempts a clothesline on Laura. Laura ducks it and sends Eden to the mat with a hip toss. Eden screams in pain as Laura applies an arm bar to her. The aspiring actress forces Eden to her feet and heads for the corner. She climbs to the top rope, keeping the arm bar on Eden. Laura walks along the rope toward the center of the rope. Suddenly the rope shakes and Laura loses her balance and falls, straddling the rope. She screams as she performs a top rope atomic drop on herself, letting go of Eden. The crowd reacts with sympathetic pain to the pain felt by Laura.)
Kenny: Did you see that? It looked like two small children jumped on the ring apron and shook the rope on Laura.
Cari: I didn't see anything. Laura was just showing off and tried a move that she obviously was not good enough to try. She should go back to training and learn how not to be so clumsy.
Kenny: I could swear I saw something, but the ref didn't see anything either.
Cari: Martin "the mole" Melville has never seen anything in his life.
(Laura mouth forms an O as she sits straddling the rope. Eden grabs her arm and pulls her into the ring. Eden whips Laura into the ropes and sends her crashing to the mat with a clothesline. Laura lies on the mat gagging as Eden lifts one of her legs. She holds it up and sends it down to the mat with an elbow drop to the knee. Laura screams in agony, rolling on the mat holding her knee. Eden gets quickly to her feet and drops a leg across the side of Laura's head. Eden climbs to the second rope and leaps off, spreading her arms and legs into a big splash. Laura manages to roll out of the way at the last possible moment and Eden hits the mat hard. Laura takes the opportunity to roll out of the ring to collect herself. Eden tags in her partner as the "the mole" calls for Laura to get back in the ring. The ref starts to count Laura out.)
Cari: This match is turning into a real snoozer. None of the wrestlers seem to be able to hit any of their moves. I guess it's time for BRA to clean house and get rid of these ham and eggers.
Kenny: What do you mean? I think that all the wrestlers are showing a fine ability.
Cari: If they would ever lift the ban on me, I would show everyone what real wrestling is all about.
(Peggy waits patiently in the center of the ring for Laura to return to it as the ref continues to count. Laura finally enters the ring when the count reaches 15.)
Kenny: Look! Laura's right boot seems to be on fire. It looks like matches have been stuck in the sole of her boot and lit.
Cari: HAHAHAHAH! Someone seems to have given Laura a hot foot.
Kenny: She doesn't seem to have noticed.
Cari: Now she does.
(The crowd roars with laughter as Laura hops around the ring shaking her leg in an effort to put out the flames. She hops to her corner and yells for Willie to do something. Willie looks around desperately trying to find something to put out the matches. He finally blows on them putting them out. Laura whimpers as she gingerly tries to walk on her singed toes. Martin "the mole" has no idea why Laura is acting like this, having not seen her foot on fire. He signals for the wrestlers to continue fighting.)
Kenny: This is despicable. There is someone under the ring and they are playing tricks on Laura.
Cari: Whoever it is certainly knows how to liven up this dead match. That was the funniest thing I have seen in a match in a long time.
Kenny: Whoever is doing it is ruining a fine display of wrestling skill by all three wrestlers.
Cari: Listen, geek boy, these three bimbos couldn't put on a fine display of wrestling skill at a meeting of the society of the blind. Their matches can be used as a cure for insomnia.
Kenny: Actually research has shown that activity on the part of the insomniac is . . .
Cari: Just shut up and let us get back to the match.
(Peggy advances on Laura, who is moving gingerly trying to see how much pain her singed toes can stand. Laura backs away from Peggy waiving her arms and begging Peggy not to do anything to her. She backs into a corner and can go no further. Laura lashes out with a punch that takes Peggy by surprise as it sinks into her soft belly. Peggy gasps as she stumbles backward. Laura moves toward her, still favoring her right foot. Parker places Peggy in a headlock but gasps herself as Peggy drives a fist into her stomach. With surprising quickness, Peggy scoops Laura up and smashes her into the mat with a body slam. Laura rolls on the mat clutching her back. Peggy brings Laura to her feet and sends her into the ropes. Laura is greeted with a clothes line that sends her crashing to the mat again. The Princess leaps into the air and lands on Laura with a big splash. The air is driven from Laura's lungs with an audible grunt. The ref drops to the mat but before he can begin to count. Peggy gets off Laura and runs to her corner tagging in her partner. Eden begins to climb the turnbuckle, but stops after only getting one foot on them. She begins to dance around holding her left foot. Suddenly Peggy begins to dance on one leg as she seems to be trying hold her other foot.)
Kenny: Did you see that? Someone with bright red hair just popped out from under the ring and hit both Eden and Peggy on the foot with a hammer.
Cari: Not a bad use of a hammer either.
Kenny: There is another one that just threw something at the Martin Melville.
(The ref hears his name called by someone at ringside. He turns just in time to be hit in the face with a banana cream pie.)
Kenny: (Glancing at his computer.) Now this is interesting. This is the first time a banana cream pie has been used as weapon during a BRA wrestling match.
Cari: Will you stop with your pointless trivia? No one is interested.
( The ref tries to get the gooey treat off his classes as all hell breaks loose in the ring. First one redheaded wrestler pops up from under the ring, than another and then a third. They are identical midget triplets. Mary, Jo and Shirley Cherub. They take advantage of the refs temporary blindness to have their style of fun in the ring. Two of them, Mary and Shirley, grab Eden and pull her off the ring apron. She is stunned when her head hits the concrete floor. The third one, Jo, hits Laura in the face with a well-aimed cream pie as she gets to her feet. Mary gets to the ring apron and jumps off landing a double foot stomp on the unprotected stomach of Eden. Shirley, armed with her hammer, scrambles under the bottom rope and smashes it down on Peggy's uninjured foot. Peggy staggers backward and falls. Laura tries to wipe the pie off her face, before she can get enough off to see, she is head butted by Jo in her unprotected belly. Once again the air is driven from her lungs with an audible OOOFFF! She falls backward onto her butt. Martin "the mole" is now blind as a mole as he takes his glasses off and tries to clean them. Jo runs to Melville and grabs his glasses throwing them out of the ring. The ref wanders around the ring with his arms outstretched like a sleepwalker, hoping to find his glasses and not trip over anything.)
Kenny: Pandemonium has broken loose. There are now six wrestlers in the ring and there should only be three. These Cherub sisters have turned this match into a circus.
Cari: My! You do have a certain skill at stating the obvious.
(Parker is able to wipe enough of the pie off her face to see her tormentor deliver a kick to her midsection. Laura squeals and rolls on her side in an effort to protect her stomach. Jo begins to rain kicks on her. Meanwhile Shirley has dropped her hammer and springs off the bottom rope delivering a moonsault to the already injured Peggy. Mary enters the ring carrying a five-foot long two-by-four. Laura is able to grab one of Jo's feet, she twists it and Jo falls to the mat holding her foot. The former beauty queen staggers to her feet and goes after Jo. Before she gets to her, Mary swings the two-by-four and hits Laura in the knee causing her to fall to her knees. Mary then runs to Peggy and hit her in the head with the two-by-four knocking her out. The ref continues to wonder around the ring with his arms out, trying to feel his way around. With Laura on her knees, Jo grabs one of her arms and Shirley the other. They place both her arms in arm locks as Mary goes to the trapped Laura and begins to hit her exposed midsection with rights and lefts. Laura groans as the small but hard fists hit unprotected flesh.)
Jo: We're gonna get those tag belts from you, see.
Mary: Yeah, we deserve them.
Jo: Yeah, we're the best wresting team in BRA. We're going to beat you and then we'll be the champs.
Shirley: Yeah . . . what they said.
(Laura attempts to respond to them but the punches to her belly only cause moans to come out. Eden has recovered and is standing on the ring apron. She sees her partner out of it and her opponent being pummeled by the three mean minis. Eden enters the ring and grabs Mary, lifting her up and then slamming her down. She moves to Jo and lifts her up. Jo slams into the mat courtesy of another big body slam delivered by Eden. Eden just finishes slamming Jo when she is hit on the back of the head by Shirley wielding the two-by-four. Eden drops to her knees holding her head. The three minis move in on her pummeling her with their fist. Laura is curled into a ball on the mat rubbing her sore tummy. The ref is still wandering around the ring in a vain attempt to find his glasses. He stumbles over Laura and ends up face first on the mat. The constant beating and kicking of Eden by the trio of vicious midgets has its effect as she falls to the mat. The Cherubs grab her and push her under the bottom rope and onto the concrete floor. Peggy is still out to the world from being hit in the head by the two-by-four. The mole is feeling along the mat in hopes of finding his glasses. In his efforts to feel his glasses, Martin accidentally feels Laura. She slaps him hard across the face.)
Kenny: We need a new ref to restore order in the ring.
Cari: I don't see anything bad. These three buffoons are being shown the proper way to entertain a crowd.
Kenny: I must admit that the crowd seems to be enjoying the match so far.
(The crowd is roaring with laughter at the antics of the three Cherubs. Laura is lying on her back trying to ease the pain in her belly. Mary grabs one leg and Shirley the other as Jo climbs to the top turnbuckle. Jo poses for the crowd which continues to show it's enthusiasm for the Cherubs with loud cheers and laughter. Mary and Shirley force Laura's legs into a match book pin. Jo makes one last salute to the crowd before leaping off the top turnbuckle and delivering a head but to Laura's groin. Laura shrieks as Mary and Shirley let go of her. She rolls on the mat clutching her wounded area as a steady stream of obscenities pours from her mouth. Willie is signaling Laura trying to get her to stop, but the pain is too great)
Kenny: I call that a blatant cheat and totally uncalled for.
Cari: I call that a great move showing real team work. These Cherubs do deserve the tag team title. They are the best thing I have seen so far in BRA.
(Laura continues to roll on the mat until Shirley and Mary again grab each of her legs. The push her back into a match book pin. Jo runs to referee Martin "the mole" Melville, who is still feeling his way around the mat trying to find his glasses.)
Jo: Come on! She's pinned!
Martin: Who's pinned?
Jo: That cow Parker.
Martin: Where is she?
Jo: Over here.
(Jo tries to drag the ref to the pinned Laura. Laura is kicking her feet in an attempt to break the pin, but the mighty minis have too much leverage. Jo finally gives up trying to drag the ref to Laura. She grabs Melville's hand and slaps it to the mat once. Jo tries to do it again but he manages to shake his arm loose before she can bring it down again. It doesn't matter now, because Laura is no longer pinned. Peggy has regained her senses and has returned to the fight. She grabs Mary and Shirley by the scruff of their necks and lifts them off Laura. She swings them out and back and bangs their heads together. Then she throws them aside. She moves to Jo who begins to plead with her. Peggy refuses to listen to Jo and scoops her up. Before she can do anything to Jo, Peggy is driven to her knees by a low blow delivered from behind by Mary. Peggy drops Jo and sinks to her knees. Shirley grabs the two-by-four and rears back to hit Peggy with it. On the back swing, the board hits Jo in the head, knocking her out. Peggy sees the board coming and ducks under it. Shirley can't stop the momentum of the board and it continues in its arc, catching Mary squarely in the face, knocking her out.)
Kenny: Somehow I think their team work has broken down.
(Shirley looks around the ring. She sees Laura curled into a ball again on the mat, massaging the pain from her nether regions. Peggy is kneeling and doing the same thing. Jo is laying face down to the mat out to the world. Mary is laying face up on the mat out cold.)
Shirley: Mary! Jo! What happened?
(Shirley rolls Jo over and begins to slap her gently on the cheeks. Jo stirs, so Shirley goes to Mary and begins padding her cheeks.)
Shirley: Come on Mary. This is no time for games. Wake up!
(Jo shakes the cobwebs out of her head and sees Shirley trying to revive Mary. With an angry glare, walks to Shirley and dumb slaps her on the back of the head.)
Shirley: Hey! What did you do that for?
Jo: You moron! You knocked me out with that two-by-four.
Shirley: I did?
(Shirley continues to slap Mary in an attempt to revive her while she is talking to Jo. Mary comes to, but Shirley isn't paying attention to her and continues slapping her.)
Mary: QUIT SLAPPING ME!
Shirley: Oh . . . Sorry.
(Mary and Jo begin to make threatening moves toward Shirley, who is trying to explain her way out of a beating. Laura and Peggy are in too much pain to be able to do anything more than what they are doing. Suddenly Shirley points toward the side of the ring.)
Shirley: Nya, NYA, NYAAAA!
Jo: What are you doing now?
Shirley: LOOK!
(Jo and Mary look where Shirley is pointing. They see a battered and bruised Eden climbing into the ring. They look around and see Laura and Peggy getting painfully to their feet. The three Cherubs take one last look at each other and run from the ring. They scramble out of the ring and scamper under it. Laura, Peggy and Eden all look at each other.)
Eden: Let's get them.
Peggy: Yeah!
Laura: I'm with you guys.
(The three wrestlers climb out of the ring and get on their hands and knees and crawl under it. That is the last we see of them as the camera doesn't follow them under the ring)
{CLANG!}
OUCH!
{BONK!!!}
OOOFF!
Kenny: We can't seem to get any camera under the ring but it seems like a real fight is going on.
Cari: DAMN! Just when things start getting good we can't see any of it.
PICK TWO.
Cari: Fat chance of that. Those three bimbos couldn't teach a snake to slither.
{Slap}
UGH!
OH! A WISE GAL EH?
{BIFF}
Kenny: I wish we could see what is going on under the ring. All three of those wrestlers are good clean wrestlers. I hate to see interference by cheaters ruining a good match.
Cari: Parker a "good clean wrestler"? Hah! She is in the Sisterhood. The dirtiest group of wrestlers in BRA.
Kenny: Laura a cheater? Never! She raises money for sick children.
Cari: Some day I'm going to have to tell you the facts of life.
Kenny: My mother already did.
(The crowd begins to react with a mixture of cheers and boos. Starting softly it grows until it reaches a very high volume. The camera pans until it stops at the wrestlers entrance. A tall muscular woman in a referee's uniform is heading for the ring.)
Kenny: It's Vicki Task, the head referee in BRA.