Match by: Lord Pumpkin

The wild crowd is on their feet cheering for another match at the glorious arena provided by the loving and all-knowing ArchAngel and her minions. The snarled and haggard form of Clifford Bloire stands in the ring, ready to officiate another match. He seems to bark at non-existent enemies, perhaps �Charlie.� The camera pans down to Kenny and Cari, the youthful and vibrant commentators. Kenny, adjusting his glasses calls up more files on his laptop computer. Cari, the blonde and smirking diva, has her fingers touching the tips of one another, staring into the audience.

Cari: Welcome back once again, everyone. I, Cari Trammell, am here to bring yet another stylish and erstwhile commentary to your horrible and dreary lives.

Kenny: (checking something on the computer) Oh, Cari, before our last commercial break, we hit an all time high for market share! ArchAngel will be happy!

Cari: (rolling her eyes and looked down under the table) Kenny, honey, when�s the flood?

Kenny: (checking another fact) Oh, you are mistaken again, Cari. The forecast calls for no rain and �

Cari: (staring at him) Kenny, is there anything on that computer about any dates you�ve had?

Kenny: (hangs head) No . . .

Cari: Regardless, while Kenny searches for his ego and masculinity, fear not, home viewers, so long as I am present to make my flawless commentary, I shall not leave you all as intellectual orphans.

Kenny: Huh?

Cari: Oh, Kenny, when you are as beautiful, talented and ruthless as I, you pick up showmanship along the way. After all, I am a graduate of Vasser.

Kenny: Keen!

Suddenly, the entire arena goes dark. A yin-yang with a sword through it appears on the Angeltron, and a hush comes over the crowd. Lights flash on and off quickly, as if there were lightning far in the distance. All is dark again, and nothing can be seen or heard but a low roll of thunder, followed by the sounds of an electric organ. Jim Morrison joins in with the Doors, singing �Riders on the Storm� and the lights pulse dimly. A figure clad in all black flies out of the crowd and over the guardrail, to �oohs� and �ahhs� from the fans. Another woman, clad in dark blue and purple, walks down the entrance ramp carrying a large black duffel bag. The fans immediately recognize Gina Moore with a tame but polite applause. Missy jumps into the ring, while Gina makes her way quietly to ringside.

Kenny: I suspect that Missy Jones will definitely be the fan favorite, tonight, Cari. She has not lost a match, yet. And according to my records (Kenny checks records on his computer) she is tied with your all time record for a winning streak � um, before you were let go.

Cari: (sneering) Is that so?

The loudspeaker starts with an original, scratchy version of Irving Berlin's �Cheek to Cheek.� The crowd immediately starts to �boo� and �hiss.� The Irving Berlin song fades out, and a new tune, �Military English� by Combo Audio, fades in. Zantara Underworld steps out, dressed in her black suit with purple pin-stripes, a purple shirt underneath, steel-toed boots, one black, fingerless glove. She sneers at the fans and the fans increase their negative sentiment. Zantara strides to ringside. In her hand is a small American flag, which she waves around over her head as she walks. The action completely confuses the audience members close enough to see it. When she makes it to the announcers table, she snatches a microphone away from one of them and speaks into it.

Kenny: Oh, hi, Zantara.

Zantara: Shut up, you idiots! Quiet! Listen up and listen good, I am going to say something more important than this wrestling event!

Kenny: (whispering) Is she talking to me?

The crowd does not quiet down. They instead boo even louder.

Zantara: Hey! Do any of you fools know what day it is today?

The crowd quiets down some.

Zantara: That's what I thought! You don't! It is Memorial Day. Let me spell that for you: M-E-M-O-R- I-A-L space D-A-Y! Memorial Day. How many of you have thought about that today? How many of you have given any thought whatsoever to the brave men and women who have died for our great land, hmmn? None of you! You should be ashamed of yourself! This is the day we honor the brave soldiers who died for the freedom of America!

The crowd has silenced greatly. They apparently don't know what to think of this.

Zantara: I believe in this country! I believe in this fine day! And I thank the heavens that brave men and women have fought for the good of the land! And you people cheer for foreign intervention, such as this so- called ninja that I am facing today! You people call yourselves Americans?! Hardly!

She throws down the microphone and hops into the ring. She waves the flag down some more, and then presents it to the referee after shaking his hand. The bloated and insane official takes the flag and places it behind his ear, wiping away a tear from his eye. He then turns and glares at Missy, as if she actually had something to do with Vietnam.

Cari: (leaning back in her chair and speaking with a knowing voice) Zantara is a genius.

Kenny: (gulping) But I thought you said that the �crazy� ones were-

Cari: Never mind what I said! There are only three types of wrestlers in the women�s federations, Kenny. There are the beautiful girls with the massive racks, the calculating girls, and the deranged girls. That is all. Fortunately for the world, I fit into columns �A� and �B.� Naturally, I could always defeat �C� but in most cases �

Kenny: I would definitely call you beautiful and I would definitely call you calculating. But that other comment, the one about your chest . . . ?

Cari: Not another word, small fry.

Bloire calls for the bell and the two women engage in a stare down. Gina, Missy�s friend, starts rummaging through her duffel bag, prepared for anything. Missy circles Zantara and flexes her hands, speaking.

Missy: Nice threads, babe.

Zantara does not seem to even hear as she comes forward, cold and calculating. She takes a wide swing at the Ninja, but Missy manages to duck out of the way, showing her agility and skill. As Zantara moves past her, Missy kicks out her leg behind her, connecting with the back of the Hades Hellion. Zantara spins, as if the kick only had the effect of making her angry. As she turns her arm catches Missy across the neck in a clothesline. As the Ninja hits the mat, Zantara immediately begins to stomp away, her large metal-tipped boot, connecting with merciless slams. Missy jolts in pain but manages to roll out of the way as Zantara�s boot comes down again, causing the entire ring to shake. Wasting no time, Zantara closes in, dropping herself on Missy. She drives her knee deep into the Ninja�s back, bringing forth a horrible and dark scream from Missy.

Cari: Perfect! I could not have done it better, myself. Well, actually, I am certain I could have, but Zantara�s was fine.

Kenny: Oh! Oh! Did you know that 33% of all knee drops have a 12% chance of causing lingering damage to the attacker in 75% of women�s wrestling federations?

Cari: (with a brief but unbelieving pause) Did you know that I suspect that you have never been to second base with a girl? Did you also know that I suspect that you live at home with your mother?

Kenny: (embarrassed) What�s second base? And yes, I do live with my mother.

Back inside the ring, Missy has come to her feet and has stunned the audience and Zantara with an amazing series of attacks. With a straight punch to the stomach, wheel kick to chin, stomp to knee, and a springboard roundhouse kick, Missy has come alive, systematically using her energy to put Zantara on the ropes. As she continues her assault, the official comes forward, spinning the Ninja around, showing her that an attack to someone on the ropes is an illegal move.

Missy: Ya know, buddy, I hear Zantara breeds dogs who chase mailmen.

As Bloire seems to be shocked and appalled by the comment, Zantara springs to life, coming from behind Missy, grabbing her around the neck and executing a perfect bulldog into the mat. She glares down at the moaning Ninja and shouts.

Zantara: Lies! I do NOT breed such creatures! I have a giant three- headed dog and no mortal mailman has the courage to come so close!

Naturally, Zantara is the first to come to her feet, and tugs Missy to her hers by her hair. She then slams her forehead into Missy�s causing the Ninja to weave back and forth from the nasty attack, as the metal plate seemed to make its mark. Missy falls back, cleverly getting out of her crazed opponent�s path. As she falls into the turnbuckle, Zantara charges, only to be met by a kick from the Ninja, landing to Zantara�s jaw. As the woman from the Underworld reels, cursing and swearing, Missy pumps herself up, thrusts out both legs, connects them around Zantara�s neck and executes a hurricanrana, taking them both to the canvass.

Kenny: Keen! Did you see that, Cari!?

Cari: Ho-hum. Yes. I saw it. Very good. Fantastic. Without flaw. Of course, a tall and lanky anorexic thing like Missy Jones would do better to go for the pin instead of whatever she is doing now.

Missy mounts the top rope, much to the approval of the crowd. As she jumps, she forms a leg drop, but Zantara shifts, raising her foot at the last moment, her steel lined boot, slamming up into The Ninja�s jaw. The impact snaps her neck back, as a pained look comes across her face and her hair whips around her head until she lands on her back. Zantara comes to her feet, shaking her head violently. She slams her boot down onto Missy�s nose, causing a stream of crimson to flow. Cackling and howling, Zantara then latches onto Missy�s trousers and lifts her in the air. She hold her for a moment, displaying her amazing strength, before slamming her down onto the canvass. She flops and jolts like a fish out of water, thrashing about as the sinister Zantara clutches her hands together and slams them down into Missy�s midsection, in a double ax handle attack. Missy begins rolling around on the mat, holding her stomach while her nose bleeds from the earlier stomp. She desperately begins yelling for Gina to do something. Nodding, Gina withdraws items from the bag, as Zantara now seems to take notice of both women, but only having the physics/time/place continuum restraints of dealing with one.

Kenny: I wonder what is going to happen now?

Cari: (repeating him in a mocking tone and shaking her head) I wonder what is going to happen now? Sheesh! When I asked for a partner to commentate with, I expected them to give me �Naughty� Nicole Nevers, not some toad like you!

Zantara leans down and is ready to apply her claw to Missy�s face, but the desperation by the Ninja is made clear as she wildly kicks up, slamming both feet into Zantara�s midsection, as the woman from the Underworld stumbles back, grunting and cursing.

Missy: I hope you like the Underworld, �cause I�m sendin� you back

Zantara: (giggling and glaring at Missy) Oh, I do like the Underworld and you best have a care, else I�ll drag you down with me!

The eerie and depressing creature rises and begins stomping towards Missy with a look of sheer evil in her eyes. Even the crazed official, Bloire, makes no attempt to get in the way. He gives her a wide berth, not noticing the shift activities of Gina on the outside as she has found what she was looking for. Missy yells out at the official who turns as Gina hands her something. As Zantara swoops down, trying to grab hold of Missy, the Ninja moves, slamming her hand to Zantara�s forehead, using the item in her hand. Zantara jolts up, screaming a sound that makes the audience assume Hades has come to earth as horrible crackling is heard. Zantara swats away at her head, trying to remove the magnet that had been placed there.

Zantara: You miserable little wretch! It will be unending hours in the mines for that!

Missy responds by bouncing off the ropes and smashing into the purple-clad warrior. The impact pants Zantara on her back, still struggling to remove the magnet. Missy drops, going for the pin. The official counts once before, Zantara shoots up her hand, wrapping it around Missy�s throat, clamping down hard. Within seconds the Ninja turns as purple as Zantara�s tattered clothing, choking and sputtering about. Bloire shouts at Zantara, reminding her that the illegal move will not be tolerated � even from a good American patriot, such as herself. Not testing her luck, she releases, demanding him to get the magnet off her head.

Cari: Why that no-good Missy Jones! How dare she use such a underhanded trick!

Kenny: Is your sudden and new-found respect for the rules anything to do with the fact that if Missy beats Zantara, you record is erased?

Cari: Nonsense! Its that when I went to see �Karate Kid IV� � the one with the girl � I hated it and wanted my money back. This Jones person reminds me of her!

As the official begins prying away, finally getting the magnet off her head, Missy then bounces off the ropes, landing a kick to Zantara. The Underworld champion wails and screams, angered over Missy�s defiance. She bounces to the ropes, and as Missy goes in for another attack, Zantara cleverly slides underneath to the outside, shaking her head, trying to get the magnetic feel from her brain.

Kenny: Ah-ha! I knew I have seen this before! My database clearly shows that Evonne Carmikel used magnets against Underworld a few months ago.

Cari: Does your computer come with a warranty?

Kenny: Of course! Why?

Cari: (trailing off) Just checking . . .

As Zantara tries to bring herself around, Gina Moore sneaks over as Missy gestures. Zantara is completely oblivious to the woman, still muttering and trying to regain her senses. Gina pulls out more magnets, and closes in. As she passes the announcer�s table, Cari extends a foot, tripping Gina at the last moment. The subsequent fall and clatter, causes Zantara to spin around, screaming and flailing about her arms. She slams her boot to the top of Gina�s head, bringing forth a nasty cracking sound.

Kenny: Why!? Why!? Why did you trip her? Was it because your record is in jeopardy?

Cari: (scowling) Your life is in jeopardy.

Kenny: Well, my computer says �

Cari: (knocking the computer to the floor) Ooops. What a tragedy.

Missy screams at Zantara and the creature from the Underworld re-enters the ring, rising like a ghoul from the grave. Her sinister sneer extends from ear to ear and her eyes take on a morbid darkness. She lumbers towards Missy, who takes on a defensive pose. Zantara begins to circle her, feigning left then right, toying with the Ninja. Missy remains calm, dodging and weaving, using her excellent agility to keep her out of trouble. Rapidly, she fakes a low snap kick, then executes a palm strike to the throat, followed by a tornado back kick to the stomach. Suddenly, Zantara finds herself winded, but as she lunges forward, as a result of the kick to the stomach, she grabs hold of Missy�s neck, slamming her down as they both fall to the canvass. Missy�s head jerks again, continued strain from the earlier attack by Zantara. The Ninja�s pained screams seem to be music to the ears of the eerie Zantara. She uses her advantage over Missy to go for the pin, but the Ninja manages to kick out after a count of two. Frustrated, Zantara then begins to hammer away at Missy, using her hard and vicious fists, socking her around the face and stomach. With each shot Missy convulses until the official gets in the way, not certain if he likes the looks of what is going on or not. Zantara leers at him, but she stares into the eyes of madness, something she is not often used to.

Kenny: I would look up specific acts of madness of both of them, but you tossed my computer to the floor.

Cari: I see it as a justifiable homicide, really.

Missy has improved her situation in the ring by poking Zantara in the eye, allowing her a moment to recover and roll out of the way. As Zantara hurls insults and screams at Missy, she comes to her feet, only to be met by a kick in the jaw from the Ninja as she spins, executing the attack, perfectly. Zantara backs to the corner, screaming and fussing the whole time. Missy uses Zantara�s weakened state to her advantage and does a charge, extending her legs for another kick. However, Zantara was merely faking. She ducks to the side as Missy flies through the air and catches the Ninja by her hair, slamming her to the ground with enough force that the ring shakes.

Cari: (with an evil laugh) Perfect. Zantara lulled the Ninja into a false sense of security, eh, Kenny?

Kenny: (speaking into a phone) Yes, I need another ThinkPad, pronto, please!

Cari: (rolling her eyes) Oh, crap.

Intelligently, Zantara applies another neckbreaking move to Missy, by taking hold of her from around her throat and swinging with enough force to bring her to the canvass. She slams down and bounces as Zantara jumps back up, cruelty flashing in her eyes. She begins to stomp away at Missy, then reaches down, seizing her again by the hair. Zantara begins to slam her head into the turnbuckle over and over, muttering the entire time. Missy�s nose again begins to bleed, the crimson fluid trailing like a stream. It is clear that Missy is dazed and stunned but in desperation she kicks out her leg from behind, scoring a direct hit into Underworld�s stomach. The attack seemed to have taken her off- guard, pushing her away. Quickly, Missy mounts the top rope, despite the blood and dizziness and leaps off, kicking Zantara in the face as she flies through the air. Zantara slams to the mat, thrashing about as Missy adopts an angry stare at the demented athlete on the mat. She drops her leg across Zantara�s throat and gets up to repeat her motion. As she drops the second time, Zantara rolls out of the way, preventing the attack. Missy moans and swears as she makes contact with the mat, Zantara having moved. Zantara pops Missy in the head with her hard fist, stunning her as the Ninja tries to rise. The Underworld warrior takes Missy in her arms and places her in an abdominal stretch, trying to pry her body apart. Missy screams in anger, agony and frustration, jolting her body about, trying to escape. The official asks for a submission, but Missy shakes her head in the negative. Missy manages to position her elbow and repeatedly ram it into Zantara�s stomach, trying to force her to release. Zantara�s stamina is surprising as she manages to hold on longer than Missy expected. Missy is in obvious pain and torment, agony etched on her face from the torture Zantara is putting her through. However, the Ninja then manages to shoot her elbow up, catching Zantara under the jaw, prompting a release.

Cari: Fascinating! Simply fascinating! Missy is filled with resolve. I would be impressed if she was not such a patsy.

Kenny: Patsy?

Cari: Yes. A patsy. Sort of like me for allowing myself to be paired up with a dolt like you.

Missy, despite her pain, manages to push forward, taking on the Underworld warrior. She hurls a rabbit punch at Zantara�s abdomen and locks a hand under her chin. As she attempts to kick one of Zantara�s legs backward, the sinister scion of secrets slams her head forward, the metal plate crashing into Missy�s head. As Missy�s eyes roll up from the shot, Zantara lunges forward, biting one of the Ninja�s fingers. Missy retracts her hand, violently swinging it to shake away the pain, Zantara glares with a cruel smirk. As Missy glances, still in pain, her agonized look suddenly melts away as it turns to shock. Zantara swings her hand forward, clamping down her hand across the Ninja�s face, lifting her in the air with one solid jerk. As Missy�s feet dangle and twitch, Zantara cackles. With a sudden motion, Zantara slams her down to the canvass, and the Ninja�s twitching instantly stops. Dropping to her knees and driving them into Missy�s stomach, Zantara locks her legs as the official goes for the pin.

Cari: (smiling calmly) Nobody gets up from the Hades Hazard.

Kenny: Nobody?

Cari: Well, I suppose I would.

The bell rings and Zantara shoots up, still upset. The official raises her hand in the air for the victory, but she quickly snatches it back, then exiting the ring. Gina, still reeling from the merciless kicks to the head, enters, helping Missy to her feet. Technicians race down to bring Kenny a new laptop computer and Cari has a look that is of clear consideration of getting rid of that one, too.

Kenny: Ah! Blessed machine! (Kenny gives his new computer a blissful hug.)

Cari: Oh God, you DO need a date!

The camera fades out, going straight to a commercial for the Sisterhood of Seduction line of lingerie.