Celestial Title Tournament
Round 1
The Camera pans across the arena to show a sea of screaming, sheering fans. Some of them hold up signs. Some of the better signs say: “Underworld Forever!”; “Re-instate Cari”; and “Janus is the diva”. The camera pulls in on Kenny and Cari seated at the announce position.
Kenny: Wow, we have seen some great action so far, Cari…but up next we have the event that everyone here has been waiting for.
Cari: Except me, loser.
Kenny: This is a four way elimination match, and the rules are…
Cari: For Pete’s sake. Don’t you think everyone understands the rules by now?
Kenny: My computer tells me that people have a 97% chance of better enjoying the match when they know the rules.
p>Cari: You have a 97% chance of better surviving this broadcast when you don’t piss me off.
Kenny: Ummmm…the rules are…
Kenny is cut off in mid sentence. Suddenly, Sisqo's "The Thong Song" begins to play as the fans jump to their feet, awaiting the arrival of "The Goddess" Nina Larue. The curtains part and Nina stands before the crowd, clad in a black, lace, thong bikini, showing off her sleek, curvy figure. She completes the look with black boots, with a platform heel, and her long, black hair falls to the small of her back in a cascade of curls, framing her flawless face. The busty beauty poses for a moment, surveying the crowd, before sashaying to ringside. The bewitching brunette gracefully enters the ring, the crowd showering her in catcalls and wolf whistles. With a sly smirk across her gorgeous visage, she seductively leans over the top rope, blowing a kiss to the fans and offering them a view of her ample cleavage. Needless to say, the catcalls and whistles are now deafening. Nina does a few sexy stretches, arching her back in a tantalizing fashion, as she awaits the start of the match.
Kenny: Well, as I was saying…the rules are…
Cari: Shut Up! Enough! Just look at the perfect feature of the goddess in all her splendor.
Kenny: (to himself) she interrupted me…
Cari: What was that?
Kenny: Nothing.
“Gimmie the Prize” by Queen starts to play. A red circle with a black dragon would appear on the Jumbotron as Kimie Kurita comes out wearing her PVC shorts, sports bra, and Doc Martins. She waves to the crowd and blow kisses, then gets into the ring.
Kenny: Our second competitor is Kimie Kurita…
Cari: Now I know why the ratings go down every time you open your mouth. You are so dull!
Kenny: I don’t know. My computer tells me 67% of the fans prefer my straight forward style.
Cari: 67% of our lobotomized fans maybe.
The loudspeaker starts with an original, scratchy version of Irving Berlin's "Cheek to Cheek." The crowd immediately starts to boo, as if they hadn't enough for the previous people who have come out.. The Irving Berlin song fades out, and a new tune, "Tyranny," by The Stabilizers. The song is slow and loud, making a fine accompaniment to the bizarre woman that steps out from the back. Zantara comes out in her usual purple pin-striped suit and steel toed boots.. She walks slowly down the ramp, her footsteps stepping to the beat of the song, her guitar case swinging in syncracy as well. She makes her way down to the ringside area, slowly, making people impatient. Zantara slides her guitar case under the mat and takes a seat next to the announcers.
She snatches a microphone from Kenny and speaks.
Zantara: You twits are in for a real treat today! Yes, that's right! You are going to get a chance to see my own arm raised in victory when I win this ridiculous so-called match! Unfortunately, you will have to sit through about three minutes of watching three never-was wrestlers before I finish them off. So shut your eyes for three minutes, because it is going to get ugly with a capital U!
Kenny: (to Cari) I think it was ugly the second Zantara stepped out.
Zantara slowly turns her head toward Kenny, looking ready to kill. She is about to get up, but then simply threatens Kenny with a shaking of her fist.
Kenny: Is she leaving?
Cari: Shut up! Zantara, it’s nice to have you with us. Maybe now we can get some real talent on this show.
Kenny: What was that supposed to mean?
Cari: Shut up already! Or Zantara and I are going to whip your butt!
As the lights dim, red pyrothecnics shoot into the sky, simulating rockets as “Live and Let Die” blares from the loudspeakers. As the smoke clears from the entrance Kelly Mase, in a outfit of crimson leather boots, pants and vest that displays her muscular arms and midriff, begins her journey to the ring, staring straight ahead and ignoring the crowd. She dives under the ropes, surveying her opposition, stopping on Kimie Kurita and giving her a nod. Then, without warning, she jumps out of the ring and attacks Zantara Underworld. She starts hitting Zantara, who stands up and retaliates. The two women are exchanging blows right in front of the announcer’s table. Referee Melville calls for the ball as Kimie attacks Nina LaRue from behind while she was watching the fight outside the ring.
Kenny: Did you see that nod, Cari? Kelly and Kimie had a plan.
Cari: I like it. Always use an advantage when you can.
Inside the ring, Kimie stands Nina up and starts unleashing a barrage of Karate style kicks to her midsection and head. Nina is wobbling. Kimie steps back and plants a roundhouse kick right in Nina’s face, putting the goddess down.
Cari: She just kicked the goddess into next week.
Kenny: This is Kimie’s type of style. And my computer tells me that when a competitor can control the style and tempo of the match…
Cari: That’s right, they usually win.
Zantara and Kelly continue to exchange haymakers outside the ring. Finally Kelly sweeps Zantara’s legs out and puts the woman down. Kelly stands her up and rolls her into the ring. Kelly gets up to the ring apron and climbs through the ropes. While she is doing this, Zantara rolls back out to the arena floor. She walks back over to the announce position and sits back down.
Zantara: Now, where were we before I was so rudely interupted?
Kenny: But…but…
Cari: I’m about two seconds from kicking your butt!
Meanwhile, The ref, with his limited sight, has finally got sight of Kelly and makes her stay in the ring. Kurita and Mase begin to go to work on Nina LaRue together. Kelly holds up Nina’s legs and pulls them apart while Kimie drops an elbow right between them. The Goddess rolls over on her side and curls into a ball with her hands between her legs.
Kenny: Low blow. Didn’t the ref see that?
Cari: He hasn’t seen anything since 1972. Now Zantara, what do you think about what’s going on here?
Zantara: None of these women are even close to me. I thought I’d just wait a while and see which one emerges as my competition.
While Kimie stomps and kicks the still downed Nina LaRue, Kelly moves towards the ropes and tries to get out of the ring to go after Zantara. But the ref, somehow, manages to see her and orders her back into the ring. Kimie is taking advantage of the ref’s turned back to choke Nina.
Kelly: But what about her (pointing at Zantara)?
The Mole: Let that fan alone. You have a match.
Kelly: I’m talking about Zantara!
Mole: She’s in the match also. Now get back in there or I’ll DQ you!
Kelly throws up her arms in disgust and returns to help Kimie in attacking Nina.
Cari: I guess the mole hasn’t seen you yet Zantara.
Zantara: He can barely see the ground.
Kenny: This is just wrong.
In the ring, Kelly and Kimie whip Nina to the ropes. As the goddess returns, they hit her with a double back drop that puts her practically to the roof, and then back down to the mat hard. She sits up on impact and grabs her back, with her mouth wide open. Kimie kicks her right in the face with a karate kick which puts her down to the mat.
Kenny: This double teaming is out of place in a match like this. This is very poor sportsmanship.
Zantara: Don’t worry. Cheaters never prosper.
Kenny: Look who’s talking.
Cari: Hey, it’s been awhile since I’ve had a competent co-host. The least you can do is show some respect.
Kenny: She’s not your co-host…she’s a competitor in the match!
In the ring Kimie lies out the hurting Nina and drops a leg right across her throat. Nina garbs her throat and rolls around on the mat. Again Kelly tries to get out of the ring to go after Zantara, and again the ref stops her. Again he is not watching as Kimie stands Nina up and delivers a knife edge chop to her throat that puts her down hard.
Kenny: Kelly Mase seems to really want you Zantara.
Zantara: Just shows how stupid she is.
Again the ref is trying to get Kelly back in the ring. As she turns, she “accidently” knocks his glasses of. As he turns and gets down on the mat to find them, Kelly jumps out of the ring and goes right to the announcer’s table. She grabs hold of Zantara and starts to pull her up. Again the two women are exchanging blows in front of the announcer’s table. Kimie sees this. She delivers a quick kick to the knee of Nina, leaving the goddess in pain, and then gets a running start, jumps up, and off the ropes…delivering a top rope kick that knocks both women down outside the ring. All three of them are lying in a heap in front of the announcer’s table.
Kenny: What an athletic move by Kimie Kurita!
Cari: Stupid! She should have just finished off the goddess. Now she has taken some of her own strength away with that fancy move.
All three women struggle to their feet, using the side of the ring and the guard rail for leverage. Inside the ring the ref is still searching for his glasses while Nina rolls around still in some pain. Kimie and Zantara both reach their feet at roughly the same time. Kimie attempts a karate kick on Zantara, but Zantara quickly grabs her and delivers a clothesline to her, knocking her to the concrete floor. Zantara turns and finds Kelly waiting for her. Kelly hits Zantara with a quick spinebuster. Both Zantara and Kimie are down.
Kenny: Amazing series of events right there! That took the wind out of quite a few sails.
Cari: This match is starting to get on my nerves.
The ref locates his glasses and puts them back on. He sees three wrestlers outside the ring and starts counting them out. Kelly sees this and gets back in the ring. Zantara and Kimie are struggling back to their feet. Nina is back up, though wobbly. She sees Kelly enter the ring and quickly hits her with a spin wheel kick. Kelly is taken off guard and goes down.
Cari: Where did that come from? I thought she was dead!
Kenny: My computer tells me the goddess has an unusually high ability to take a beating and come back. Her psychological tests, administered by our staff upon her entrance to BRA…
Cari: Her what? Ohhh…shut up!
Kenny: But…my computer…
Kimie and Zantara are back up and each one rolls back into the ring before the ref can complete his count. Meanwhile, Kelly is down on all fours…and Nina is standing over her, applying a clearly illegal choke.
Nina: Bow before the Goddess fool!
All four wrestlers are back in the ring and Kimie is making her way over to Nina. She jumps up and delivers an airborne side kick into Nina’s face that puts the Goddess down, and frees Kelly. Kelly rolls onto her back and gasps for air. Kimie goes to press her attack on Nina, but is cut off by Zantara, who grabs her from behind and spins her. She lifts Kimie off the mat and delivers a power slam that rams Kurita into the mat.
Kenny: Booooooom! Huge power slam by Zantara Underworld! And that shook the entire arena.
Cari: I’m not shaking! I would have beaten all of these pretenders 10 minutes ago.
Kenny: My computer tells me that you had only limited success in matches like this.
Cari: My fist tells me it’s time to do some nerd stomping.
Kenny: Point taken. Back to action here…
In the ring, Zantara is continuing to keep up the attack on Kimie. Meanwhile both Kelly and Nina are struggling to their feet. Kelly is still gasping from Nina’s choke. Zantara lifts Kimie to her feet and sets her up. She twirls, and hits Kimie with a spinning neck breaker that puts the Lil Dragon down. Zantara moves in for the cover…
Kenny: Ref Melville in position for the cover…1…2…and no! Kelly Mase breaks up the count!
At the last second, Kelly kicked Zantara in the back and broke up the count. Zantara gets up and argues with the mole while Kelly grabs Kimie and rolls her out of the ring. Mase and Kurita regroup on the outside of the ring. In the ring, Nina is struggling back to her feet. She sees an opening and attacks Zantara with a series of karate kicks that stun the woman in the pinstripe suit.
Kenny: We’ve seen a lot of martial arts style fighting in this match.
Cari: Don’t you mean poor martial arts style fighting?
Kenny: No.
Nina Irish whips Zantara to the ropes. Zantara hits the ropes at the same time that Kelly is trying to climb back into the ring. Zantara’s momentum hits Kelly and knocks her off the ring apron and into the steel guard rail. She goes down in a heap and Kimie goes over to check on her. Meanwhile, Zantara comes back from the Irish whip and Nina nails her with a spin wheel kick that puts the strange woman down.
Kenny: Good move by Nina LaRue using Zantara as a weapon against Kelly Mase.
Cari: That was just luck. Kind of like you having this job.
Nina is kicking and stomping away on Zantara. Meanwhile, Kimie and Kelly watch from outside the ring. The ref, locked on the action inside the ring, has not noticed them and started counting them out. LaRue stands Zantara up and whips her to the ropes. Zantara comes back and is hit with a Judo chop that puts Zantara on the mat. Nina looks down at the woman in the purple suit.
Nina: Did you really think you could beat the only true angelic beauty?
While Nina is doing this, Kimie and Kelly sneak back into the ring. Kimie moves quickly, hitting Nina with a kick to the knee. Nina’s legs buckle and she goes down. Kimie and Kelly start to stomp and kick her…aiming for her legs and knees. Trying to ground the tall woman. Zantara is struggling back to her feet.
Kenny: Again Nina LaRue is feeling the effects of the double team.
Cari: Kurita and Mase have a lot of experience together. See, did your computer tell you that?
Kenny: Well, actually…
Cari: You are a geek! Is your mother proud of you?
Kenny: Yeah, why?
Cari: Never mind…hey! Zantara is back up in the ring!
Zantara is back up and she charges in. She hits Kelly with a clothesline that puts her on the mat. Kimie turns and shoots a kick at Zantara, but again Zantara gets out of the way and reaches over, clamping her hand on Kimie’s face…
Kenny: Here it comes…The Hades Hazard!
Zantara lifts Kimie up and slams her to the mat. The sound of the Hades Hazard rumbles through the arena. Zantara cover her.
Cari: Wow…the mole actually got in position. He counts…1…2…3! That’s it for Kimie!
Ref: Kurita is eliminated.
Kenny: She put up a good fight, but couldn’t keep the pace up. And look at that…
As she exits the ring, Kimie sends a kick into Zantara’s knee, dropping the big woman to the mat. Kimie, trying to clear her head, had only that much left. She rolls out of the ring and stumbles out to the entry way. Meanwhile, Nina and Kelly have both rolled out of the ring to catch a breather. The ref is dealing with the downed Zantara, and does not notice them. They bump into each other outside the ring and begin exchanging shots.
Kenny: Zantara Underworld is still down in the ring, and Nina and Kelly are just going at it outside the ring…and Kelly Irish whips Nina into the steel safety rail! Nina’s back hits with a thud and down she goes!
Cari: All these women are amatuers! I would have won this hours ago. Maybe I need to start whipping some ass right now?
Kelly charges forward to capitalize on her move, but Nina, through the pain, sees her coming and gets a boot up, that drives back the charge. She quickly sticks a finger in Kelly’s eye and when she’s blinded, rolls her back into the ring. As Kelly struggles to her feet, Nina climbs into the ring, shaking off her own cobwebs. Kelly gets up and turns, but it’s too late. Nina hits her with the low blow that doubles her over. She grabs the neck…
Cari: She’s setting the Assasin up for Nina’s knockout! Booom! DDT!
Kenny: Ref Melville in position for the cover…1…2…3! Good night!
Ref: Kelly Mase is eliminated!
Kelly Mase rolls over and out of the ring. She walks funny out to the entry way, still feeling the effects of the low blow. Zantara is up on wobbly legs, and Nina looks a little bedraggled from the action. Zantara stands wobbly and waites for Nina to approach her. Nina, thinking she can press the attack, moves in. She is immediately hit with a head butt that puts her down hard.
Cari: That’s using you head! I guess you could say that was some head’s up play! I just want to know where this is heading?
Kenny: My sources tell me she has a metal plate in her head.
Cari: My sources tell me I should put a metal plate in your head.
Kenny: Why?
Cari: Because you…ohhhh, forget it!
The mole bends down to check on Nina, who is clutching her head from the head butt. She is down. Zantara slides out of the ring and goes to her guitar case. She opens it and produces a rolling pin. She conceals it and rolls back into the ring. She approaches Nina and pushes the ref aside with a knee. As he goes down, his glasses fall off. He bends down to get them.
Kenny: Someone should really get him a strap for those things. They keep falling off.
Cari: Someone should get him a new job. And one for you too while they’re at it!
Kenny: I really like this job.
Cari: More is the pity.
Kenny: No, Gina Moore is not in action tonight. See, now who needs a computer?
As the mole searches for his glasses, Nina struggles back to her feet. When she’s up, Zantara looks to make sure the ref is out of the picture and nails Nina with the rolling pin. Nina goes down like a felled tree. The tall woman lies on the mat, a small cut open on her forehead. Zantara tosses the rolling pin out of the ring and it lands on the announcer’s table.
Cari: Hey! She could have hit me with that! Watch it you nut!
Kenny: Well, she certainly hit Nina LaRue with it! The ref has found his glasses, and now he returns to the action. He seems a bit confused as to why Nina is down and bleeding. And look at Zantara trying to act innocent…
Cari: Trying is the operative word. She looks about as innocent as Charles Manson.
Kenny: The guy who played for the Maple Leafs?
Cari: That was Dave…shut up!