(Featherweight title bout)

[[On camera, miles and miles of ocean can be seen stretching far over the horizon. The view slowly turns away from the water, toward the Battling Ring Angels ring that has been set up on the deck of the Sea Angel, the gigantic cruise ship from which the pay-per-view is being broadcast. The camera first focuses on the referee, Sloane Webster, who can be seen checking the ring to make sure every aspect measures up to the proper standards. Sloane takes out a mirror and checks her make-up to be sure she is also up to the proper standards.

The camera turns once again, and zooms in on the two announcers at ringside, Cari �The Brat� Trammell and Kenny Harbor. Cari is wearing a sleek black bathing suit and mirrored sunglasses, and she is holding a bucket in front of her on the announcers� table. Kenny is wearing a short-sleeved dress shirt and tie, and is busily typing away at his laptop computer.]]

Kenny: Wow, I�m glad I brought an extra computer with me on the cruise. This is interesting, apparently two of the three combatants in the next match are listed as the current featherweight champion. In fact there are a total of three featherweight champions at the moment.

Cari: That�s no good at all. I don�t recall anybody beating Little Alexandra for the title, and a title is kinda like that show where they cut each other�s heads off...

Kenny: You mean Highlan...

Cari: Did I give you permission to speak? As I was saying, when it comes to a title, in the end there can be only one.

Kenny: Actually BRA currently has three official title belts, five if you count the tag belts. Or four if you count them as...

The crowd looks to the curtain as "Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun!" blares over the loud speakers. The curtain parts and Sweet Misty peers out shyly. The tiny but still vocal crowd cheers and screams for the Sweet Girl to come out and she does with a tint of red on her cheeks. She wears a short red kimono that comes down to her thighs. She tries to hide her face with her long brown locks as her eyes stare forward at the ring. She hugs a few lucky fans and even kisses some kids on the cheek, waving and smiling. Misty walks up the steps and removes her kimono to reveal her baby blue one piece suit with white faded sploches on it. The sides are webbed from under her arms down to the tops of her thighs. Misty waves again to everyone, smiling brightly before starting to warmup using the ropes.

Kenny: Misty looks just wonderful, and she�s so nice too. Nobody deserves the title as much as... (Cari throws a dark look, and Kenny changes the subject) ...so as I was saying, simple arithmetic dictates that at least one of the featherweight belts in this match must be a forgery, possibly both.

Cari: Hmm, fake belts, huh? That sounds like something Cosmo McKinley would cook up. He�s wily, devious, underhanded and will do just about anything for money. Now there�s a man I could come to respect. He really knows how to succeed in this industry. Anyhow, the match is billed as a title match, so at least one belt must be valid.

The lights go down on the arena. Duran Duran's "Girls on film" begins to play through the speakers. A spot light picks up Laura Parker. She wears a strapless floor length, Alexandria Parker original, gown. Her hair is worn up in a twist with a tiara in it, and she is wearing a featherweight championship belt. She is accompanied by her agent William Wienersnitzel. Laura smiles to the crowd with that perfect beauty queen smile of hers, the spotlight reflects in little gleams off her teeth. She bounces along with the time of the music to the ring. She walks up to the ring and enters it alone. She walks around the ring posing and waving to the fans very much the Beauty Queen. Willie then hands her something that he has been carrying. Laura smiles at Misty, as Laura is given a mic.

Laura: Misty, dear "sweet" Misty. I have a present for you. It broke my heart to see that your little pet, just like your first house went up in a puff of smoke. I can't stand to see you in such pain. It truly breaks my heart. Since the real one you had seems to have disappeared, I thought you would like to have this stuffed tiger cub as a remembrance.

Laura walks toward Misty and holds out the stuffed toy. It looks exactly like the one that Yvette incinerated. Laura suddenly tosses the stuffed toy into the air and it bursts into flames. Seeing this, Misty�s lovely face contorts into a mask of anger.

Laura: Oooops! How did that happen?

Cari: Looks like Misty knows it wasn�t an accident.

Kenny: It wasn�t an accident?

[[Meanwhile, Laura laughs as she stands with her back to Willie. Willie enters the ring, removes the tiara from Laura's hair, removes the featherweight belt, and begins to unzip her dress to reveal her wrestling costume. Laura wears a white bikini top with matching white spandex pants. The white of her costume shows off her perfectly tanned body. She completes the ensemble with white knee high wrestling boots and white elbow pads. There are silver threads in each so that they reflect the lights of the arena. Before Willie is finished unzipping the dress however, Misty (who has climbed to the top rope) does a suicide plancha toward Laura. The three all land one atop the other, with Laura on the bottom and Willie sandwiched in the middle, his toupee having fallen off to the side.]]

Kenny: Why is Misty so angry? It was just an accident, after all. My computer shows that Laura is just a little clumsy. I mean, she does 300% more accidental damage than all the other wrestlers in...

Cari: (fake sneeze) A-CHOO!!!

[[Cari�s body heaves forward from her �sneeze,� tipping the entire bucket. A wave of water with a large number of tiny fish in it spills directly onto Kenny and his computer. Kenny�s expression turns from shock to horror, as he stands up, trying to brush off all the little fish who are flopping around on the table.]]

Cari: (grinning) Oooops! How did that happen?

[[Kenny grabs his wet computer with fish still wiggling on it, and sprints down a staircase to a lower level of the cruise ship. Back in the ring, Misty has grabbed Willie�s wig and jammed it into Laura�s open mouth. Willie is trying unsuccessfully to pull Misty off of Laura, while Sloane circles and tries to figure out who is doing what to whom. Sloane appears ready to disqualify someone, but is distracted by the still-burning stuffed animal, which she kicks out of the ring.]]

Cari: Well it looks like Kenny has gone off to dry his computer, so at least for a short time you�ll get my high quality commentary without his stupid statistics.

Elton John's "Made in England" begins to play over the PA system. Shea London sprints down to the ring, slapping as many hands as she can along the way, yet another Featherweight belt slung over her shoulder. Reaching the ring, she deftly slides under the bottom rope, curls into a ball on the mat and then springs to her feet, arms outstretched holding her belt. She then notices another featherweight belt in Laura�s corner, as well as Laura, Willie and Misty, who are all tangled together in a mass of bodies. Shea taps Sloane (the referee) on the shoulder to get her attention and begins questioning her, pointing at the belt she is holding.

Cari: Folks, I can�t believe that this minor-league cheating on the part of �Sweet� Misty and Shea London is actually working for them; they�re doing it so poorly I think it really IS an accident, but Laura still has Mr. Hairy stuck in her mouth, and that�s the bottom line.

[[Sloane�s attention is again diverted from the melee in the opposite corner while she tries to address Shea�s concerns about the title belt. Misty grabs Willie by the scruff of his huge butterfly collar and throws him out of the ring, then locks on even tighter with the toupee. Laura�s face begins to turn from red to purple. Misty suddenly looks up at the children in the audience and her face turns bright red. She promptly removes the toupee from the mouth of the gagging Laura and tosses it to the outside of the ring, where it lands on top of the burning stuffed animal, right next to Willie. The hideous wig immediately erupts in flames, as does the fabric of Willie�s hideous-looking pants, which causes the Hollywood agent to scream and hop around on one foot.]]

Willie: YOWWW! Ouch! Ow! Fire! Help!

[[BRA security personnel quickly arrive on the scene with fire extinguishers and spray all the flames with a white powder. Willie�s flaming pants and the stuffed animal go out, but the toupee continues burning. Misty rolls out of the ring to check if Willie is okay. Shea, seeing an opportunity, covers the supine Laura. With a look of disdain, Sloane drops down to count:]]

ONE!

TWO

[[Still close to her corner, Laura finds the presence of mind to put her leg on the ropes. Sloane stops the count and backs off, watching. At about the same time, Cooley Maeut crosses the deck toward the announcers� table. Slung over Cooley�s shoulder is a scale, such as one might find in a doctor�s office. Cooley plants himself next to Cari and stands the scale behind him.]]

Cooley: Hey babe, I just thought I�d... y�know, drop in. Kenny�s still digging fish from his laptop, and it�d totally suck to have a babe like you stuck at this table alone.

Cari: Good pick-up line. Use another one on me and you�ll be deader than that toupee. Back in the ring, it looks like that crazy Brit is taking it to Laura, who�s still gasping for air. Misty is staying on the outside like the chicken she is.

[[Shea pulls Laura to her feet, nails her with a running bulldog, and follows with a quick leg drop to the back of the head. Misty, satisfied that Willie is unhurt, walks past a guard (who is still trying to stamp out the burning toupee) and rolls back into the ring.]]

Cooley: Misty doesn�t look like a chicken to me. She�s babe-a-licious. I think she�s just into helping dudes who are in trouble. She left �cause she was worried for that bald guy with the lapels.

Cari: I know a coward when I see one. So why don�t you go do something you understand, like shuffleboard. Anyway, it looks like this match is finally going to become a 3-way like it�s supposed to be.

[[Shea DDT�s Laura to the mat and goes for the cover. Parker, beside being rocked by Shea�s move, still appears to be having trouble breathing, perhaps as a result of her extended exposure to Willie�s toupee.]]

Cooley: She�s into 3-ways? Cool! I mean, I knew Misty had a thing awhile back with a woman, but it would be so completely awesome if... hey, why�s the striped chick lying down too?

ONE!

[[Cari rolls her eyes, a look of disgust on her face.]]

Cari: she�s the referee, you moron.

TWO!!

Cooley: Well she�s still a hottie.

[[Before the third count, Misty pulls Shea off of the battered Laura and takes her over in a snap mare. Shea gets right back up, but Misty has kept the chin locked, and delivers a flawless swinging neckbreaker. With Shea on the mat and slightly dazed, Misty turns her attention back to Laura Parker. Misty drags the woozy Laura to her feet and delivers two hard forearms to the chest.]]

Cari: I can�t believe these ham n� eggers are taking it to Laura Parker this way. She pales in comparison to myself, but I thought she had some talent.

Cooley: Oh that babe has lots of talents. Like I heard she can tie a cherry stem into a double knot with her tongue.

Cari: Why do I even bother? Misty whips Laura into the corner, and... it looked like Laura�s head snapped back pretty hard as she hit. Misty isn�t gonna get to follow her in though.

[[Shea, having gathered her wits about her, springs at Misty and catches her coming in with a clothesline. Misty did not see it coming and sits stunned on the mat. Laura just slumps in her corner, still conscious but convulsing.]]

Cari: It looks like Laura has had it. Or she might have just had an allergic reaction to that wig. Shea locks �sour� Misty in a body scissors from behind. Looks like she�s trying to slow her down. Shea might be a total sap, but she does have some experience, which she�s using.

Cooley: Yeah, I heard she was... experienced. I also heard she has a big Union Jack on her under... Whoa, Shea did that backflip thing!

Cari: It�s called a hurrican-rana. Hey, Kimie Kurita just came to ringside. And where there�s tweedle-dumb, can tweedle-dumber be far behind?

[[As Shea pulls Misty to her feet, Kimie jumps up on the apron. Shea locks on a headlock, but Misty reverses and flips Shea onto her back. Before Shea can get up, the sweet one follows with a figure-4 head scissors.]]

Cooley: Hey, check Misty out, she put Shea�s head between her legs, but backward. Why didn�t she do it forward?

[[The Little Dragon gets Sloane�s attention, pointing to her hair. Sloane immediately gets self-conscious and takes out a mirror to check her hair-do.Sure enough, a blonde woman in a black trenchcoat steps out of the crowd to stand at ringside. Kelly Mase tosses away her blonde wig and pulls out a telescoping baton. The wig lands right on the head of Willie, who is still at ringside nursing his burned foot.]]

Cari: Yup, I was right as usual. It�s Kimie�s partner, Kelly Mase.

Cooley: You mean the asian chick also has a woman partner?

[[With Sloane still distracted, Kelly climbs through the ropes and hits Misty hard in the knee with the telescoping baton. Misty releases her lock on Shea, and Kelly swings the baton at Misty�s other knee, eliciting a gasp of pain. Shea shakily stands up, and kelly slams the baton across her forehead, knocking her to the mat, while Misty grimaces in pain, crawling toward the ropes.]]

Cooley: Whoa, looks like Shea is out cold, and Misty can�t walk!

Cari: (chuckles) Maybe she just doesn�t have her sea legs.

[[Kelly sees that Kimie�s distraction is wearing off and goes to leave the ring, but just as she gets to the outside apron, Misty lunges toward her and wraps her arms around the Assassin�s calves. Unable to halt her forward momentum, Kelly topples and lands awkwardly face-first on the floor below. Watching, Willie reaches up and twirls the hair of the blonde wig. Meanwhile, Laura finally stumbles out of her corner, her eyes glazed and her entire body wobbling from side to side.]]

Cari: Well, Laura�s back up, but it looks like she doesn�t even know where she is! I guess Mr. Hairy really didn�t agree with Laura.

Cooley: Yeah, I think Laura is just not that kind of babe, Misty is lots more open-minded. Willie looks better as a blonde anyway.

[[Misty tries to stand up, but her legs are still to hurt and she tumbles to the mat, landing directly in front of Laura. Parker trips over the fallen Misty and falls forward. Just as Shea begins to lift her head off of the mat and shake off the cobwebs, she is greeted with the sight of Laura�s forehead rapidly descending toward the bridge of her nose. After a crushing impact, Shea�s eyes roll back into her head, completely unconscious, with Laura�s right arm draped haphazardly on top of her.]]

Cari: Well, it looks like sometimes even Kenny and his waterlogged computer can be right. That was definitely an accident, but I think Laura�s going to get the win.

[[Sloane, who returned her attention to the match just as Kelly landed on the outside, turns her face into a disapproving frown as she drops down to count:]]

ONE!

TWO!!

THREE!!!

ding ding ding

[[Willie charges into the ring, wearing Kelly�s blonde wig. He runs to Laura and helps her to stand up, raising her arms in the air. A ring attendant enters with the (ostensibly �real�) featherweight belt, which Wille promptly clasps around Laura�s slim waist.]]

Laura: (to Willie) Who are you? You look kinda like my agent.

[[Meanwhile, Misty limps back toward the dressing room, while Sloane checks on the unconscious Shea London and Kimie checks on the unconscious Kelly Mase. Cooley stands up, grabs a microphone and the doctor�s scale, and enters the ring.]]

Cooley: Hey babe, I got word you didn�t weigh in before the match. Y�know, the featherweight champion has to be under 125 pounds, so I brought this scale just to make it all official, �kay?.

[[The smiling but still-groggy Laura Parker makes a sour expression, but shrugs her shoulders and steps on the scale. Cooley adjusts the scale until it balances. Looking confused, he resets the scale and tries again, but with the same result.]]

Cooley: This is so weird, the scale says you�re 127, and that�s too heavy to be a featherweight. Geez, I�m sorry, I can�t let you keep the belt. But on the good side you�re a total hottie, so you don�t really need a big gold belt to cover up your tummy. It sorta gets in the way.

[[Cooley removes the belt from the waist of the dismayed Laura Parker, slides out of the ring and carries the belt away below-deck. Both Laura and Willie stand immobile, not believing what they just saw. With the heavy belt removed, the pointer on the scale goes down to 124. Seeing this, Laura tries to chase after Cooley, but stumbles. She is in no condition to be chasing anyone anywhere.]]

Laura: (screaming) NOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cari: I saw it with my own eyes but I still don�t believe it. If I was the kind of person who felt for other people, I would feel for Laura Parker. But I�m not, so who cares. There�s more Battling Ring Angels action on the way, so stay right where you are, folks!

Winner of the match (but not the belt - again!) Laura Parker