getting some things off of my chest
I have to be more thorough, although I generalize things a lot.
Please either read the entirety, or go somewhere else.
This does eventually disclose some deep secrets. (With exception to sexual content.)
I dont make the content about a point of view, so much as the reality is open for
question. And yes, this site is a personal one; you can only get here what I see, what I have
thought about for some time, important things especially, although I dont have great
access to information.
This Irons-hosted site offers perspective, and whats wrong with perspective?
Really. Even the statements that appear rhetorical are meant to hold value.
Im still listening, but if youre not talking... then what?
Im not petty, nor am I a narcissist or at least I dont think I am ;).
Im not desperate for attention, but what sense does zero conversation make?
Some of the content may be attracting the wrong people?
Well, you can count me out of tweeting, Facebooking, or myspace-ing for a living.
Not to (deliberately) offend anybody here, but Im not a twelve-year old girl.
Know what I mean?
Do you know how difficult it is to start from scratch, esp. given the limited resources I
have?
What is the point, other than to have a voice, to have an outlet and not to vent,
degrade, or text message. Yuck.
Things are changing, yet I still dont have anything easy (trust me).
And with practically no return, the belief that many things will come to an end in 2012, I feel
as if taking a job would be a waste of time, if not a risk.
I have that denial, those beans to spill.
One of the reasons as to why Im so reluctant to order certain things here the way others
would (to make things easier), is... people need to be self-reliant. It is wrong to take
advantage of others, so I intentionally avoid the flash... other than not having better tools.
Some things get put up over the sense of today could be my last day. More of the
result of being alone than crazy. (If I were to die suddenly, no one take over, for example.)
Im not a loner, its just that Ive considered certain avoidance... luck.
Avoiding bullies, for one.
I did have some friends, but with a presumed (undiagnosed) inferiority complex, I resist making
any by choice; a number of things including the fact that I never got a girlfriend
by choice stem from considering myself to be a selfish hack...
Word count of I: 66; my[self]: 21; me: 6.
I must be a fool to consider myself super-aware, more conscious than thou, to have hightened
senses without stimulants, but not for the point of daydreaming.
Pushing my potential, losing physical voice, setting myself up.
The talent remains, but aging takes it from you. Did I finally get the lousy
prodcast AIFC up?
I used to be able to count seconds with amazing accuracy. But then, I ended up feeling,
or forcing myself to feel like time was just there to be wasted. Boredom.
I even wasted a final exam in High School English calculating the square root of six in my
head, figuring that the exam wasnt worth it. The scores of very little practice end
up being settled with hesitation... the kind of hesitation that put me into summer school.
The other is the kind of study hall activity that lead to the Walkman-like music play in my
head today: playing out, in entirety, Nine Inch Nails The Fragile.
My limited album collection consists of mostly NIN, even a Tribute album.
I guess some of my character was heavily shaped on what Trent Reznor wrote about.
Conforming to something thats actually meant to be avoided is not a good idea...
If only things were in order in my head... if only I was able to communicate better.
(Wishes never come true an overstated fact, and wishes are a reflection of a dead end.)
I know Im not autistic; all of my behavior reflects a blatant disregard for commitment.
Something is definetly wrong if I cant prove myself when the time comes
and will that damn music in my head shut off!
Sorry, but I tend to set things up to act in a ways that spiral out of control.
The song, since Friday, is 'covers/m_036_-_neo_contra.nsf' from 2a03.org.
Im very impressionable when it comes to music.
The inside.htm page did start out as a vent. Thanks to Jon for putting up with me,
particularly in my slamming of his neat guy impression.
It would be wrong of me to change history, to just wipe the slate clean.
All of the content is a reflection of many different things. And I certainly dont want
to be a frickin mirror! :)
Build it, and they will come? Build what?
What are you talking about? The so-called great ideas I come up never get finished
(I get no help, hate working alone):
Songs written: worthlessness.
Number of exclusive code projects: too many. Bridges burned.
HyperCard-based projects: killed.
Marathon-based projects: macfceu is more worthy.
love_to.htm: this was meant to be a solution in dealing with the meltdown of 2008-on.
Stylish oranges on blues, whites on blacks, virtual blood stains all over the place
wow, I do attract the wrong people, dont I?
Alas, there are many more mistakes to be made.
Regrets aplenty, I take myself too seriously... apart from what could be considered some kind
of fast-acting bipolar disorder.
Checking the dictionary, may behavior falls into the definition of... mania.
Oh, sh--.
Well, the peak of my aversiveness at the end of HS did lead to me regarding myself as mentally
ill. The stupid name-callers again.
Now I am stuck treating notions of crazy like a joke.
Alas, I am a dependent mess.
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