(Well, partly because I can’t vocalize it clearly at all without taking as much time as I did writing it.
I have a degenerative disease. ... In short, certain functions of the brain...are replaced with other immediate functions. It is wearing away those aimed at recollection & vision. I cannot see from point A to point Z, and the “common” intelligence is overwhelmed. Being stuck here for more than enough hours per day has exacerbated the depletion of real social skills. There is no “quick fix” car trip when the car trip makes the most time spent in this regard. I shouldn’t be left alone at this point; I have a heart condition as well as the rapid reorganization—often disorganization—of mental faculties, on top of worse degeneration of both eyes. Regardless of what you may think, I could go into cardiac arrest at any point. In exhausting almost everything to become what I’ve become, restoration and recovery may be too far off. Some parts of my body have ages more than twice normal due to “pushing myself” and depression. Consciousness decelerates in the latter—wanting it all over.
Being too cut off from people I have developed delusions of grandeur, and only my practical artist’s sense has been able to counter it. “Being funny,” as you call it, is a coping mechanism, not a solution.
In recent days, I’ve considered a possible solution, but I fear it is in desperation. An attempt, though flawed, to extend my life to others, if not just one...oh, the paths of opportunism on hat one—the deluded “practicality” of mggggggg, included. What confirmed my desperation was how I reacted to the learning curve in discovering, not who, but, what I was. Attempts to correct damage that had been done before had only made things worse, and before you know it I was in the worst depression of my life.
There I was,
sitting in a lounge chair, non-visually staring into the abyss of despair. In this horrible
physical condition—one that shortens my longevity [not counting how much sleep I didn’t get]
... —I’ve wasted most of my life on either observation or
materialistic goals. (The latter is of the true definition of selfishness.) With nothing else
ahead of me—no life, no accomplishments beyond a few reproductions/reflections of life or what has
been told and written—I wanted to commit suicide... at a point. My soul would be worse off if I
actually were to die in my sleep.
Lost souls go nowhere.
The abyss grew while in the car, alone. This time the despair was shared with my all-so-typical monomania of checking out girls in the store, coming out, some driving away. Needless to say, I was absolutely disgusted with myself. Some of the disgust shed onto humanity, as well..again. How can I save my soul if I were destined for either another life of emptiness/observation, or to get stuck on the other side, getting sucked into the blackness of guilt, or atone fro heaven, a place I don’t feel fitting in. A repeat, forgetting the problems and solutions, the real, natural hell of soul-solitude, or the love I saw conditionally.
The crisis happened in the house. What one must do in life, and how one must believe in life—if only could see the philosophical battle that took place in my head. “It’s when you stare into the abyss (of despair), you find your beliefs.” I started to believe in two over one—that individualism doesn’t work alone. I started to understand how, in order for the soul to survive, you need to believe in yourself... without getting lost in selfishness or guilt. That you can and must believe, even if you die trying...in horrible circumstances only [for that last part]. “A true believer sticks, even after death.” Knowing better, I believe.
Possibly going too far in one direction, I even proclaimed myself a Christian, although I disagree with parts of the Bible, haven’t been in a church for ages, and still don’t consider myself religious. I believe in the truth of the scriptures, but don’t consider homosexuality a sin. (Attraction and procreation are technically separate, and single-sex parenting is as old as single parenting in nature). And off I go, improperly asking for something from my supposed guardian angel, getting no literal response.