Bombarded: Just what is Asperger’s?

Getting to the bottom of the ‘disorder’, from a personal point of view...there are no footnotes.  (The Autism Spectrum Disorder Wikipedia page is better.)  Do your own research.

The physical

The bombardment of information makes externally inquisitive response difficult.  You get a brain that substitutes “normal” intelligences, such as emotional intelligence, and this typically leads to impaired social skills or otherwise inability to communicate directly up-front.  In more extreme cases, this can lead to certain forms of paranoia or disorganization, if overwhelmed enough.  Without proper support, this can happen internally, when faced with the distorted feeling of failure, trying to change the wrong thing, trying to accurately represent something that isn’t accurate to begin with.

The different types

Maybe this part serves as filler, or maybe I’m right or wrong, but read on...
My Type Positive Asperger’s is attributed with anti-social behavior, while Type Negative is attributed with calm demeanor but reliance on guardian oversight.  If there isn’t a Positive/Negative separation, then I may be confusing this condition with Disorganized Schizophrenia.  Then again, there may be reason to think that Asperger’s is social-external schizophrenia, as opposed to internal — that the left/right disagreement ends up applying to social interactions only.  That would be another thing to test, study.  You know, the more I think about it the more it sounds right.  Well, to me, anyway.

Things inanimate do not act socially, but Rolie Polie Ollie (Disney) warps that a bit.  That doesn’t compare to being alone in fear, assuming demons around the corner...

The complex

Now we turn to the more subjective nature, based on my first-hand experience.  This also is, therefore, very limited in terms of research.

Asperger’s is a condition, developed out of insecurity, the complex of always being in a hapless situation (almost like an inherent “there is no God”), causing the individual to consider action in reflection of the insecurity over communication, feeling that the perceptions are shared, or ought to be.  The person ‘afflicted’ thinks that the people around them would get the message anyway, otherwise distance grows.  There is only a disregard of social norms in terms of communication.  Unfortunately, that means those that don’t find their voice are cast out of society.

Said to be a milder form of autism, the “super-aware” consciousness attained by a denormalized feedback in the prefrontal cortex.  This can also make the individual want others to see and feel the same, some way or another, naturally, “telepathically,” etc.  (And excuse me if I get too “brainy” here.  (As if I’m accurate.))

Loving the super-consciousness more than actual life

In loving the “super-consciousness, you get completely internalized dopamine creation, which makes for being an observer, but alone, if not selfish.  And when conditions go south, the norepinephrine (anxiety) outweighs the seretonin (calm).  People with Asperger’s often wind up in a fantasy land, and these days are almost always drawn to video games.

Implications of social interaction as anything but positive are exacerbated when the weird or otherwise unregulated lifestyle is perceived quickly, with the good only weighing out bad in selective perception, developed in a rushed manner early on.  Any social interaction becomes a confrontation, oftentimes overriding better judgment.  Adrenaline kicks in.  The upside to this is enhancement of intellect.  The downside: accelerated levels of cortisol may mean a shorter longevity.  Albert Einstein, said to have Asperger’s, after the typical diagnosis of the time as “mentally retarded/deficient” for not communicated in an established manner, got gray hair quickly, and died at an age below the average lifespan for males.

In tendency of becoming a perfectionist, even socially, we— rather, I carry conversions best in third person.  Things often get missed, and eye contact becomes uncomfortable in trying to be more casual after the fact.  Keep that in mind when you try to talk in person to someone like me.  I’m always trying to help, even when angry.

Personal Background

A story about the author, and how it applies

In my anti-Wonder Years as a small child, I resorted to poking two distinct individuals in the behind.  Why?  Because the transition into the next grade was a sharp incline; I lost it when I was overwhelmed with having to learn cursive, dig into Social Studies, and several other things in a short amount of time without full warning.

The ‘normal’ life ended when I was sent to a class for the behaviorally challenged.  Type Negative kicked in.  It wasn’t long before I was in Middle School, and uncomfortable for longer spans of time.  High School opened up new doors, but some of them were terrifying.  I bathed less, became more introverted, avoiding contact with supposed friends, but still found a proverbial welcome mat or two, a few of them warm, others more involved in work or the social media of the time.  I dismissed the consequences ahead for the enabler side of it.  The only lasting positive out of all of this was an aptitude for mathematics, the only field in which you get exact, universal answers.

Pleasure, Pain

The haplessness reared its ugly head again as I didn’t turn around.  My gross sense of humor was also developed, as I ended up breaking some rules, but almost never caught.  I semi-impersonated a few names (the names were obviously fake to anyone who actually looked at them), I abused some access privileges, finishing work days ahead of schedule to spend all of my time on that same area.  Most of the rule-bending revolves around that game and community you may have heard of: Marathon.  It has an ‘M’ rating for a reason.

The worst in me got brought out when I didn’t bother to deal with my emotions, artificially dealing with my surroundings anyway.  I slipped up on very easy ground, each time thinking it would serve others less time with my existence.  It wasn’t quite depression yet, but more of literally catching the volley ball before it hit the ground, out of bounds.  The hell that came with the ‘pleasure,’ was when it came to other students taunting me.  I tried to act my best, but the rehearsals in my head started exacerbating the lies more and more.  And the more alone I became, at least in my mind.

Absolute Terror, some of it Absolutely Relatable

None of those mild-to-moderate episodes compared to the tragic ones.  I’ve said before how I believe I have premonitions of emotion, but not so much clear visions.  I had feelings of terror “wanting it all over” before and after a well-known event.  I experienced trauma with or without actually being there, not during but, after getting home.  September 11th, 2001.

Less tragically, but still horrible, I felt really bad well before the 2008 meltdown.  And now see myself dying because of the lack of application for natural affection.  I forced myself long ago into social situations, real or not (mostly conjured), driving cortisol to fatal levels, mostly unintentionally.  And getting out of it is very difficult as I don’t see significant, long-lasting results for my efforts.  The more I self-regulate the wrong way the faster I die.  The emotional and physical tolls remain.

From minor incidents not being appropriately dealt with, to being cooped up with behaviorally horrible children, to watching 2,000 people die, I was certainly not ready, although I pretended to be.  Even this January I considered myself not ready for anything.  The method actor in me wants to reflect that, maintain that.  The instinctual side just acts as if none of that matters, over and done with.