“They were good times, but also they were bad times.  And sometimes you’d no clue what’s going on, so you’d wait for the news.” —E. Dumbass.

Yeah, it’s a long story on how that quote applies here.  So, I’ll get started.

Some people just cannot stop talking.  All of that talking has gone to texting, but I wondered how difficult giving advice would be for someone who does speak.  Constantly.  And it turned into a ranting, “recovering” addict giving shopping and nutritional advice...barely.  Wouldn’t you wonder how that would sound?  No?  Well, it’s too late.

Host: You’ve slipped again, Jim.

Jim: Oh...uh, the—  It’s from a powdered doughnut.  —Yeah.  Uhm... Let’s see, oh-um.  I— can’t get my mind off Nixon getting us off the gold standard in ’71 —and it turns out it was over Vietnam, and we wouldn’t be able to pay for it otherwise.

Host: —Jim, we’re talking shopping, here.

Jim: Oh,-yeah,-yeah.— Now, I remember.  Yeah, uh,—boy, am I high— on sugar.  Um, there are these crazy discounts on these books in the— I mean, well, I can’t read them ’cause I get easily distracted, but, and I’m busy— no time.  [sniff]

On sale— Ooh— one of those books where the cover features a guy’s pecs.  Uh—Who doesn’t like a good romance novel with... um..—well, I can’t find them having much resemblance to anything I know or’ve seen.  And I don’t know of any women who read them.  And believe me, I know a lot of women.  Okay, I don’t know many women. —But a woman preoccupied with escapist books seems like something of a cat lady, except books aren’t warm and cute, right?

The thing about cats is— what do they do?  I mean, dogs are obedient; cats are exhaustiing— in training it takes a lot of effort and food.  They— just expect you to be there, and feed them, and expect some human or trash can’ll always be there to feed them.  [scratches neck]  And they knock sh*t over, and expect you to either think it wasn’t them, or their pride is so..God— Huge that it’s ’no concern to them.  And trust me, I know cats. ...Okay, I never owned a cat; don’t trust me.

But speaking of cats, how many people out there wind up eating cat food?  Other than the homeless?  I mean, wi’all of the poverty that yields hunger out there are—some places, cat food’s a delicacy.  And I don’t mean to mock hunger, but take a pitch from me, I know hunger.  Okay, okay, (I) don’t remember ever starving; don’t take a pitch from me—I...well, I can’t enter a supermarket without getting nervous.  But some o’the food choices are horrible.  And the junk food’s addictive.  And I know addic— ..uh...

Double-Stuff™, and Triple-Stuff, Twinkies™, Ho-Hos™, Ring-Dings™, Hostess®..Little Debbie Cakes™ — I know they looked, tasted great as a kid, but..now they’re like, the chocolate ones look like wrapped sugar turds — who eats that crap [don’t-sue-me goodness] anymore?  And so much of it not bought, the obesity on the news really seems to be..[grunt]..

Well—sometimes I can’t stop eating the stuff; they’re so damn addictive.  And the headaches.  And those nice, “Artisan” chips, and — the magic fat-sugar combination.  And salt, and more sugar when it’s broken down.  And they still load’em with transfat—the label rounds down, so the zero isn’t zero.  And “Fat-free”—you just know it means “carbo-pounds that won’t go away.”  But I don’t seem to get fat— ’must be the—.. um... I need to use the restroom.  If you’ll excuse me — I’m ’onna be back — five minutes.

[Twenty minutes later.]

Now, where was I... Oh, crumbs?  Thanks. [Jim wipes evidence from his face, nostrils; two sniffs.]

So...with all ’those snacks, and stacks of “food” — it’s just — not just in the, you’re-gonna-die-if-you-eat-this center of the store, you get the feeling these stacks’re just...kind’a stacked there, and left there.  And I know the expiration on these things are only a month, but they’re preserved, and you hear tales of people finding them years later, stashed in cupboards or cars, coming out of the package as if they’d just bought the godda—

—Oh... It appears I’m out of time.  The blues are here.  Well, that was fast.

Remember to grow in spirit, not in mass.  I’m Jumbo Jim, and I’m wishing you a good luck on your journey of..spiritual morbid-obesity.—Good-bye.  [Sniff.]

  (And sometimes less is more...)