Date: 8 Sep 1996
Jacqueline Dupree wrote:
> That's absolutely true, and I don't think anyone is disputing that Pete
> was ill. But what I saw from Pete was that he was exaggerating his
> distress to maximum effect. The leaning on the racquet between points,
> leaning on his thighs, taking more than 25 seconds between points, barely
> keeping his head up, and then smacking 120 mph serves: isn't there just a
> slight inconsistency there? And is it really necessary for a top-flight
> player to make sure that every single person knows that he's mere seconds
> away from expiring?
...
> Hmmm. Seems to only have this I'm Dying Distress in Grand Slam matches
> that he's in danger of losing. How interesting.
>
> I also was interested in those few points in the fifth set where Pete
> began pulling at his shoulder and wincing. "Ouch! Ouch! I'm not sure if I
> can keep serving! Ouch!" (WHACK!) This ailment also miraculously
> disappeared once the match was won.
...
> To me, making something look worse than it is is the dictionary definition
> of faking it. And that's what Pete is doing.
...
> 2) Pete should take a page out of the Thomas Muster book: never let your
> opponent know that you're hurting, that there's the slightest weakness
> that they can exploit.
I think if Pete has taken a page from anyone's book, it's Jimmy Connors'.
Jimmy's last 5 or 6 years on tour were marked with that same "ready to die
at any moment" theatrics, but geared toward the geriatric (i.e., anyone
over 30) crowd: "Hey, I'm busting my butt out here at *40 years old*, and
you make a call like that!!! "You bum!! .
To my recollection, though, Connors never actually *swooned* during a
match, but I'm willing to bet that if Sampras and Courier meet in the
latter rounds of the Aussie next year, Pete will, on match point, crumple
gracefully into a heap, his limply extended racket just barely making
contact with the ball as his eyes roll heavenward, a barely audible "Tim,
this one's for you" evaporating on his sun-parched lips, as an aghast
Courier remains nailed to the baseline in fright. In the stands, a
distraught Delaina Mulcahy will find it necessary to reapply her lip
gloss.
I also predict that after the AO, Sampras will go ahead and get his IV
port permanently implanted in his chest to save his doctors the trouble of
trying to find a usable vein in his trackmark-racked arms. By the French
Open, we'll see Pete receiving fluid replacements courtside during the
90-second changeovers. Andre Agassi, ever eager to exploit a potential new
avertising angle, will quickly follow suit, but will receive *his* IVs
from a Swoosh-shaped bag as part of a new Nike campaign entitled "Just
Fluid." Not to be outdone, Sampras will sign with Budweiser in a
controversial "Tim, this Bud's for you" spot that will flood the airwaves
during the '97 Wimbledon.
The always competitive Michael Chang will have jumped into the fray by
this time next year, signing an exclusive Dial-A-Prayer deal with Pat
Robertson's 700 Club. During the 1997 USO, Chang, wearing just a simple
loincloth and a pair of painful horse-hair sandals ... and playing with
the new three-foot long Prince "Jehovah Stick" racket ... will storm to a
straight-set victory over Mark "The Philistine" Philippoussis. Chang will
later thank the millions of Christians and bored shut-ins worldwide who
called the 700 Club's 1-900-GOD-4-MIKE number ($2.99 a minute) and prayed
for Chang's victory in this latter-day David and Goliath matchup. "I may
never be Number 1 here on Earth," Chang will say in his trophy acceptance
speech, "but one day, I'll be Number 1 on those tennis courts paved with
gold."
"Not with that wet loincloth on, you're not, young man," we his his mother
say as the cameras cut away to a Nike commercial.
"Awwww, Mom, not again!! ..."
dar
--
Will play tennis for food.
