The queen of sarcasm shares her twisted take

on life as a screen star.

By Daria Morgendorffer

Hello fans! 

I'm writing from the set of my made-for-TV movie, Daria's Bikini Smackdown (working title only, you understand), currently in production and set to air on MTV next fall. It's ever so glamorous here. I just got off the phone with the producers, and they assured me the toilet in my trailer will be fixed by the end of the week. 

Life as a soon-to-be movie star is frantic and action packed, and it starts before breakfast. First, my personal trainer wakes me at 7 a.m. and then watches as I yawn, roll over, and go back to sleep. He leaves his bill pinned to my pillow. 

A few hours later, I arrive on the set. The limo driver rouses me from my catnap, and as I exit the sleek black vehicle, hordes of fans press forward, hoping for a glimpse of me. My fans mean everything to me, so I try to be as gentle with the pepper spray as I can. 

Between takes I play Risk with my body double. (My contract states: "No nude scenes. No scenes requiring removal of any item of clothing, especially socks.") If I win, I treat her to a facial and a massage, 'cause she's my best bud, of course. If she wins, I throw a huge hissy fit and throw her off the set. 

My nights are spent attending an endless string of flashy, expensive cocktail parties thrown to raise money for people who would never be invited to them. I'd feel less self-conscious at these things if people didn't keep mistaking me for the coat check girl. 

Yes, it's a hectic life. But despite the never-ending torrent of insincere flattery and laughably transparent kissing up, I remain the simple, wide-eyed girl from small-town Lawndale who arrived on Sunset Boulevard with a beat-up suitcase and a heart full of hope (at least that's what my official bio maintains, though it also mentions being birthed in a log cabin). But don't worry about me going Hollywood"-I've solemnly sworn never to indulge in liposuction or any other form of artificial enhancement. Unless, of course, I get to be the one who performs the surgery. Scalpel! 

So as production grinds along here on Touched by Daria Morgendorffer, Medicine Woman (new working title suggested by the head of development, who had a brainstorm in the shower this morning), I can't help ponder how much my life will change once this film premieres. As a result, I've been inspired to pen the following list:

Advantages of Being a Movie Star
1. You can stop avoiding people-your bodyguards just body block anyone who gets in your way.
2. Complimentary designer sunglasses.
3. Fans pay good money for your used boots on eBay.
4. President of MTV writes notes to excuse you from gym classes.
5. Your sister no longer refers to you as her "cousin-or-something"; you are now upgraded to her "famous cousin-or-something."

Disadvantages of Being a Movie Star
1. Being grounded by furious parents after your bodyguards fend them off.
2. Annoying flashing lights at star studded openings. (Where did I put those complimentary sunglasses?)
3. Paparazzi constantly hanging from your bedroom window ledge (usually turns out to be Jane Lane)
4. Having to sing "Happy Birthday" to president of MTV at annual stockholders' meetings
5. Everyone wants a piece of you. Eventually you run out of body parts.

Well, I've got a meeting with the producer to discuss firing the director, so I've got to run! Some of the above information may be a teensy bit exaggerated, but at least this much is true: There really will be a Daria movie on MTV on August 27th, so watch for The Bloody Severed Head of Daria, Who Got Lost in the Woods Project (brand-new working title).

See ya at the made-for-TV movies!

(formerly known as Daria Morgendorffer)