DARIA VS. CELINE

While I ain't sure what puppet Celine is the 
registered trademark of, I know Daria is a 
trademark of MTV, what ever you like it or not.

(Scene #1: Casa Morgendorffer. Background 
music (B. G. M. ): L. A. Style; James Brown
Is Dead. We see Daria and Jane checking out
another broadcast of Sick Sad World on the
TV, when Quinn bursts into the room, a 
telegram in one hand.)

Quinn: Daria!! Celine Dionne wants to 
challenge you!!

Daria: Don't tell me one of the Dionne Triplets
wants to play chess with me blindfolded.

Quinn: No, I mean that French Canadian
diva that everyone loves to hate. She's now
livin' in Florida, and she's just come to
Lawndale to challenge you!! Here's a
telegram. (gives the telegram to Daria,
who reads it.)

Jane: The gall of that no talent diva--to
come right here, to Lawndale!! (to
Daria) What's it say?

Daria (glumly): Quinn was right--an'
it's much worse than Upchuck's B.O.

Quinn: EWWWWWWW!!!!

Daira (continued): It says she's 
earmarked me for a duel to 
the death at The Mall Of The 
Millennnium, on account that she thinks
I am a geeky brain, and' that I am a
disgrace to MTV, but worst of all, she thinks
I am a wussie. Worse still, if I refuse, she'll
flood MTV with her videos.

Jane: What cruelty!! That'd be even worse than 
The Divine Secrets Of The Ya Ya Sisterhood.

Quinn: EW!! Is there no shame? 

Daria: The duel's set for next Monday, so I
got all the time to train. After all, no one
calls me a wussie.

(Scene #2: A fight montage. B. G. M.: 
Bill Conti, De Etta Little, Nelson Pigford
& The Chorus; Gonna Fly Now. We see Daria
run alongside Jane down the streets, then 
karate chop old origami ducks, use a side
of salami hanging on a string as a punching 
bag, and run up the stairs leading up to the
roof of the Lawndale High building.)

Daria: Time to kick diva BUT-TOCKS.

(Scene #3: The Mall Of The Millennium.
B. G. M.: Edwin Starr; War. Daria is with 
Jane, Tom and Quinn on one side of the mall's
central rotunda section, with Celine and some
of her entourage on the other side.)

Tom: Remember everything we trained you, and you
should triumph.

Jane: Just belt like a butterfly and sting like a bee, or
words to that effect.

Quinn: An' if all else fails, kick her in the heinie.

Daria: I can see it all now--Celine's Cartel Crushed
By The Misery Chick, next On Sick Sad World.

(Ms. Li approaches the center.)

Ms. Li: Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare to be stupid.

Sandi's voice: STUPIFIED!!

Ms. Li: Uh, prepare to be stupified, for the honor of 
Laaaaaaawndale High. Here, for the first time, is
the ultimate duel of the century. On my left, in a
greencoat, orange blouse and black skirt, our
Numero Uno Misery Chick, Daria Morgendorffer!!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Ms. Li: And on my right, wearing the dress she 
wore for the cover of A New Day Hath Come,
the no talent bitch, Celine Dionne!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Celine: Just wait till my new album, One Heart 
comes out. You're goin' to change your tune!!

(While Daria and Celine face each other off,
Trent, dressed like a referee, approaches
them.)

Trent: OK, listen up--it's to be a clean fight,
so use soap an' hot water. No hittin' below the
belt, no cheap moves, an' in case of a KO,
head to your corner.

Celine: I am goin' to bust you, brain.

Daria (imitating Sylvester Stallone): Go 'fo it.

Trent: Round 1--FIGHT!!

(The fight starts. B. G. M.: Nobuo Uematsu & His
Chorus; One Winged Angel. Celine belches in 
Daria's face, causing Daria to stagger back. But 
she recovers and lands a few well placed kicks from
her Doc Martin booted feet.)

Celine: You &^$*#@%!! Now you die!!

Daria: Die, die my darling.

Celine: Make fun of me, huh?!? (sings) And my
heart will go on....

Daria: AHHHHGHHHH!!

Quinn: EWWWW!! Break out the ear plugs!!

Tom: That singin's worse than a South Park show!!

Trent: Stop it, for the love of Metallica!!

Jane: They outha use her as a new death penalty 
method!!

(Suddenly, Daria staggers, and crumbles to the
ground.)

Jane, Quinn & Tom: DARIA!!

Trent: End of Round 1!! Celine wins that round!! Time out!!

Celine: All too easy. (belches)

(Daria is cradled by Quinn while Jane and Tom try to
wake her up, using a wet towel.)

Quinn: Daria!! Open your eyes!! 

Jane: Up an' at em'!! 

Tom: You all right?

Daria (deleriously): Could be. (Gets up on her feet, a bit
wobbly.)

Jane: Somethin's got to be done 'bout that no talent diva.

Daria: How? All I wanna do is go the distance. An' when
it comes to that singin' voice of Celine's, there ain't nuttin'
that can save me now.

Quinn: 'Cept maybe one thing here. (Pulls out from an
ice cooler, a can of Lipton Brisk Ice Tea; Daria takes
it, opens it, and guzzles its contents.)

Daria (deadpan): Oh, that is Brisk, baby.

Quinn: Get in there!!

Jane: An' save some of that for the sequel!!

Tom: Bust her tacos, Daria!!

(Donning a set of ear plugs, Daria steps foward 
back to the center section before Celine.)

Celine: I whupped you sorry butt once, an' I'll
whup you again.

Trent: Round 2--FIGHT!!

Celine (singing): Because you loved me....

Quinn: EW!! Here we go again!!

Jane: Daria, do somethin' !!

Tom: An' soon!!

Trent: Du....du hast....du hast mich....AAAAGHHHH!!

(Thanks to the ear plugs, Daria is immune to Celine's
singing; in fact, on a spur of themonet, Celine decides 
to sing on a hgigh sustained note, which does, her
voice rising even higher than before, to the distress
of the Lawndalians.)

Ms. Li: AGHH!! Stop that crazy diva!!

(But Celine countinues holding the high note, the
vibrations shattering the glass all over the mall,
until her excessive overuse of her vocal cords causes 
her voice to go hoarse.)

Celine (hoarsely): I've lost my voice!!

(Triumpantly, Daria takes out the ear plugs and 
produces a Laws rocket antitank launcher.)

Daria: Now who's the wussie? (Aims
the launcher at Celine.) Hello, nasty.

Celine (hoarsely): Oh-oh....!!

(Daria opens fire on Celine; soon after that, 
there is a pile of ashes where the hapless 
former diva once stood. The crowd cheers.)

Trent: Here's you winner an' still champeen, 
Daria Morgendorffer!!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAY!!

Daria (dead pan): Yo Adrian, I did it.

(From there, the scene changes to the credits and the 
following alter egos--Quinn as Final Fantasy X's Yuna,
Daria as a cocktail waitress, Jane as SSX Tricky's Zoe
Payne, Tom as a dock worker, Ms. Li as a door man--
er, woman, and Trent as Johnny Rotten of The Sex
Pistols--while Neil Young's Hey, Hey, My, My (Into
The Black) plays.)

OWARI (THE END)

Author's Note:
OK, it was a bit sutpid and corny an' out of 
character, but it just came to me as a sort of 
an off the wall Daria concept. After all, what 
better an' popular nemesis to pit Daria with, 
but the diva everyone loves to hate?
Please, no flames, eh? Peace out.

--Ronin.