Legally Blond: The story of an ageing private investigator named Mr. F______ (No, really, that is how he is presented in the film), who starts getting strange letters written in blood and signed "Legally, Blond". The letters are in latin and tell of an ancient crime, and it's connection to modern day South H_____ (the Town the movie takes place in). A dark creepy movie, as the lead explored underground tunnels the real monster is the growing parania forms as the audiance doesn't know what to expect next. Should have been really good, but didn't keep my attention. Might just have been me. Mind wondered off, so I can't actually give this movie a fair rating since I didn't pay attention to it, lets say it got 11 stars out of 18. That sounds about right.

The Score: Drug comedy of the year! Sure it's a rip-off of half-baked without the plot, but it's got Robert DeNiro and Edward Norton in it as father and son (respectively) who are trying to bond through narcotics. After finding out his wife was really a cross-dressing man (Right, so it doesn't make since, but Marlon Brando as the cross-dressing wife is piss-in-the-floor funny) Pops (DeNiro) goes to visit his son who is working at a docters office as a janitor, where he gets lots of medicinal marijuana. Son and Dad starts talking, Dad does most of the talking in an airtight car while Son smokes up. It goes on from there. Very funny movie, although the plot is practically nonexistant, the jokes make up for it. Contains the best David Lynch parody I've ever seen. 20 stars out of 25, Rated R.

Kiss of the Dragon: More disney animated crap. A dragon has to find his destiny by swimming in an enchanted pool exept he's afraid of the water, and he has to find love...or something. It's got all the disney dorkiness, but with an incredibly confusing plot. I don't know what disney is doing, since the plot is too complicated for youngsters, but too childish for anyone else. Poor disney, they just found out they suck and don't know what to do about it. they should stick to what thier good at and rip off other people's ideas rather than trying to make thier own and ending up with this. Couple of catchy musical numbers though. 2 stars out of 18, rated G.

Scary Movie II/Dr. Doolittle II/Jurassic Park III: All I can say is: avoid sequels. All sequels, unless indicated otherwise, get 3.8889 star IIs out of 800 star IIs.

Final Fantasy: A movie about dreams. A man learns how to do lucid dreaming, which is being about to control your dream. The man does everything he ever wanted to during his lucid dreams. Then, a strange twist in the mans life ends with him as the head of a multinational corperation (the man's dream) and then he loses track of what's a dream, and what's reality. A movie with the reality-may-not-be-what-it-seems theme that was popular last year, exept instead of virtual reality, it's dreams. Very much like the matrix, and very good. Things change as the lead character and the audiance are switched back and forth between reality and the dream world, often without warning and unexpectedly. Sure, It's nothing new, it's packed with cheesy lines and cliches, but its still better than most other movie. The ending sucks in a tragic way, but it would have ruined the movie to end it any other way. Although the ending bummed me out, it gets 3 stars out of 4.

Cats and Dogs: A Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan cookie cutter romantic comedy. Something about a cat lover and a dog lover falling in love. Blah blah blah Meg's nose wrinkles and she giggles and they kiss while sappy music plays in the background. BARF. No stars.

Pootie Tang: This movie isn't a hard movie to describe. The trippy, pschadelic breakbeat version of Willy Wonka. Is it as good as the original? Yes. A true classic. Hazy trip-hop beats and dubby basslines layer every scene. With Willy Wonka played by Frank Zappa and musicians by the likes of Luke Vibert, DJ Shadow and the singer from Portishead pulling roles (albeit minor) in the film, its hard to go wrong. Although the unsettleing creepy edge of the original is lost, the movie is still one of the best made. The stupid title of the movie brings it down, because nothing makes someone feel like a moron more that saying "2 tickets for pootie tang" 56 stars out of 57 when your straight, 100 thousand...[sniker]... out of, like, an infinite numder of monkeys, man, if your stoned. Yeah man! Rated PG-13.

Crazy/beautiful: A movie about a lady with multiple personality disorder. Another victom of the "trying-too-hard-to-be-cool" problem that's afflicking many movies this summer. Too many pop-culture refrences and non-stop pop music soundtrack make this movie nearly impossible to watch. I'm sure the story line of a woman with a self-destructive anti-social anarchist split-personality could have worked really well, look how cool Fight Club did. Unfortunatly, throw in it-boy Matt Damon and lace with way to many pop-culture references, and you have yourself a mess. The directing is weak and flacid, only doing its job and not enhancing the story, the acting is over blown, and the dialogue sounds forced. 2 stars out of 11 for this pop trash.

The Fast and The Furious: A heavy drinker with a nearly uncontrollable anger, Mike, played by Benicio Del Toro, gets wasted one day and wakes up in the truck of a car, in Yellowstone park. After excaping the trunk, Mike struggles to figure out exactly what happened during the 3 days he was unconsious. He wanders around yellowstone park, violently questioning random people and eventually gets the park rangers after him because he assaulted a particularly unlikeable woman when she doesn't help him. Mike starts to unravel a chain of events starting at the bar, following to a nearby house, and finnally ending at yellowstone park. A very good movie, despite the lead characters unlikeableness. Twists and turns abound, as friends turn out to be enemies, and enemies turn out to be the only people Mike can count on. The directing style is Fast amd Furious, with rapid fire scenes and crazy pans. Missing frames and rapid cuts make you wonder if your blinking and missing things. Epileptics should do well to avoid this movie, everyone else should go see it. 80 stars out of 100. Rated R.

Atlantis; the lost empire: A movie about the worlds best hitman seeking redemption. The hitman, Milo Thatch, played by Michel J. Fox, offs a preist, who has some chilling final words for Thatch. Although Thatch is a hard boiled killer, something starts bothering him, causeing him to screw up a hit. The person who hired him cuts him some slack, changing Thatch's world view even more. After befriending a man that he was hired to kill, cleverly named "Sid", who is a buddhist, Thatch begins to look for peace, while struggling with his occupation of killing, which he is locked into. Things spiral out of control as the hitman searches for redemption and peace, the proverbial "lost empire" in the title. The movie is a quite good 'path to enlightenment' flick in a film noir style. The narration is a bit thick at times, explaining the symbolism and talkin about the legend of altantis alot. If they cut the narratin down and trusted audiences to catch the symbolism and irony without having the vioce-over spell it out, it would be a much better movie. 7 out of 9 stars. Rated R.

A. I.: Suprisingly, the A.I. in questions doesn't stand for Artificial Intellegence, but stands for Absoulutly Indestructable. It stars the kid that was in star wars episode one, not inexplicably all grown up. Seems he was only acting like a kid, while wearing anti-ageing creme. The computer special effects made him look younger. In this movie, he plays a 38 year old comic book inker that suddently find himself unable to be wounded in any way. Sound like a typical super-hero movie? Sounded that way to me. However, this movie bears more in common with bizzaro japanese film "tetsuo: iron man" than it does to superman. The villans the hero fight are amazingly more powerful than he is, and the carnage and destuction that results is almost comically massive. You root for the good guy, even as he loses, the odd thing is, however sympathetic the hero is, he does more harm than good. A very interesting movie, and cool too. It woulden't appeil to those who didn't like comic books as a kid though. The problem is that the movie just stops. End. The end. No more. It's clearly part of a larger whole, unfortunatly, we wont get to see it since the actor playing the lead charactor died during filming. 8 stars out of 8, minus 1 star for ending too quickly, and minus another 1/2 star for not being good enough to be perfect. Rated PG-13

Pearl Harbor: When a Japanese first strike mini-submarine gets sunk during the attack on Pearl Harbor, the surviving crewman Hun Yo, played to perfection by the shaking and jittery Ben Affleck, is repeatedly captured and tormented by Douglas MacArthor, played by Josh Hartnett. This amazing psychological drama, directed by Darren Aronofsky, the director behind Pi and Requiem for a Dream, throws twists at you at every turn. Hun is forced to deal with his sorrow, his dishonor, the ghosts of his formor crewmen, and MacArthor's psychological tricks and traps. The ending is undescribibly suprising, it will change the way you look at world history forever. The only problems are the fact that there is no soundtrack at all, exept silence and mettalic screetchings, and the fact that the movie is just over half an hour long. It's much too short. 5 stars. Out of 5.4 stars. Rated R

The Animal: A shocking movie. It's really not much exept shocking, but it shocks really well. Rob Schneider forsakes his bland comedy roots to play a serial killer pedophile. The things he does really are horribly depraved and certainly earns the title of "the animal". The biggest problem with this film lies in its innability to make its point. It just seems like 90 minutes of unbelievable carnage and debachery. You can't imagine how shocking the movie is. Rated NC-17 for a good reason, anyone with morals or a sence of decency should avoid this movie. It very nearly offended me. Think A Clockwork Orange 100 times worse, with a soundtrack by Trent Reznor (a particularly bad soundtrack) and you are scratching the surface. The acting is almost too believeable. Returning to the original argument: There seems to be no point to the movie. Only to show how horrible this man is, and then he gets shot by a grandmother. The end, (I'll give it away, I have the feeling that many people won't be able to sit though the movie) has a feeble old lady blasting Rob's head off with a .45. It's a good ending, but leaves you sitting there thinking "well, why did I sit though that". Despite being 90 minutes of unbelievable carnage and debachery it's possible to get bored due to lack or plot. 10 stars out of 35. Rated NC-17

Moulin Rouge: A joint project between Peter Jackson and late, great filmmaker Stanley Kubrick is the sort-of-sequel to "meet the feebles" by Jackson. It, again, features the feebles variety hour, and a cast entirely of puppets. Execpt this time, they have a new novelty. Humans. The humans are mistreated by the puppets and abused quite a bit. The entire thing is a clear satire of the way showbiz treats animals crossed with a little bit of "planet of the apes". Very cool. The voice talent is incredible. Particularly Yûko Kobayashi, who was a voice actor in the anime Techi Muyo and plays the sadistic and controlling Moulin Bleu. The lead charactor, the misunderstood and potentially psychic Moulin Rouge, the clone of Moulin Bleu is voiced by Christina Aguilera, who also plays the lead human charactor. Of course, she can't act worth a flip, bringing the movie down, but her extended nude scene makes up for it. Wow. This movie is just as shocking as "meet the feebles" exept with real human nudity. Oh, yes, the M-16 makes an apperance at the end also. -5 stars, out of a potential -5. A perfect score. Rated R.

Shrek: A typical falling-from-grace story set in the far future, starring an android preacher who gets implants to allow him to feel touch. Lot's of big name stars, but for a movie about a devient android running loose, very little happens. It's more-or-less a chick flick with a happy feel good ending. The special effects are really cool though. Nearly the entire film is computer animated. The female "cybrg # 0479.3" is facinating. 6 and a half stars, out of about 15 or 16. Rated PG.

What's the worst that could happen: The same situation played over 4 times, showing how peoples decisions affect the future, getting worse each time. The situation is a bank vault hiest by 2 crooks, played by Danny DeVito , and Martin Laurence. An odd movie. Doesn't know whether to be a comedy, an action flick, or a gay romance. The problems the arise during each version of the hiest are mildly interesting at best. The alternate reality storyline works OK, but "A Knight's Tale" did the alternate reality idea better with its time-travel-past-affecting-the-future slant. "What's the worst that can happen" is forgettable. I didn't enjoy it much. 1 star. Thats all, just 1, out of a large number of stars. Rated PG-13

Swordfish: Enter the competive world of swordfish fishing. Narrated by John Travolta, and told with a combination of live action, computer animation, diagrams, David Lynch-esque roundtable discussions, and narration. A very dark comedy that plays out a week in a fisherman's life just before he is killed by a thrashing swordfish. Set in the context of the fisherman trying to get into heaven, and saint Peter, and the "reviewers" checking over the fisherman's life. Very funny. Some of the jokes do get a bit old, and the actors are all bland no-names with nothing to set them apart (exept Travolta, who does a good job) It requires quite a bit of thinking to get the whole story and the joke, so if your braindead during the summer, it loses some of it's comic value. There's also way to many not-so-funny puns. Ug. Comedies shoulden't require this much though. The soundtrack is particularly good, instrementals produced by Radiohead with a minimal techno slant to them. 4 out of 7 stars for the movie, 10 out of 10 stars for the soundtrack. Rated PG-13.

Evolution: A movie based on another movie, based on the Scope's monkey trial. The movie it was based on, which I forgot the name of, was a true clasic. This tries to be too trendy presenting the Scope's trial with a bunch of anachronisms, hip sayings, and catchphrases. The slang is particularly anachronistic. What the producers have done is trivialized this important historical event in an effort to make a cool teen drama. It had to potential to be a fantastic movie but threw it all away trying to draw in teens. That is perhaps why I'm so angry about this movie. Not to mention the soundtrack by highly mediocre producer BT. Just because Fight Club had an electronic soundtrack, now everyone has a big-name producer dropping beats. I though electric soundtracks would be a good thing. A soundtrack on E is not a good thing though. The jokes are also really, really stupid. I'm just really mad at this film. So it gets no stars. Rated PG-13.

Tomb Raider: Based on the popular board game where you move around the gameboard buying real estate with ancient ruins build gas stations and 7-11s on them and charge other players when they land on the stops that you own. The winner, in the end, is the one who has the most property at the end of the game. I don't see how this could make a good movie, and I still don't. Tomb Raider isn't neccesarily boring, but, it's not really so interesting either. The story centers around Lara Croft, played by Angelina Jolie, who is a aspiring real estates investor. The movie follows the shapely Lara as she buys, sells, and strives for real estate. Nothing much else happens, but you get to see the underside (and every other side) of real estate investing. I found it very interesting, but several people walked out of the theater. Don't think of it as a movie, because it's really a massive documantary about the world of real estate. The best part was, of course, the sex scene, and the shower scene, and, you know, for a real estate documentary, this movie has a lot of nudity. It gets 2 houses and an apartment building. Rated R.

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