The following comics and jokes were collected from friends and clients for all these years; If you found it infringe your copyright, please send me an email to delete it from my pages.However, all of you are welcome to send in your contributions.
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| Bonus Joke: "Beef or
Chicken ?" "Beef and Chicken."
submitted by myself 17th Nov,2013.
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Most of the above are sent in by Patrick.
The followings are sent in by Felix.
Ideal gift
Submitted by Raven
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together one day, they discussed the gifts they were able to
give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom
enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent
her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the
church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks.
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only
one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Sleeping partner
Submitted by Tootsie
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage on a train.
After their initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep. The man takes the
top bunk, and the woman takes the lower bunk.
In the middle of the night, the man leans over and wakes the woman. "I'm
sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better
idea... just for tonight... let's pretend that we're married."
The man replies with excitement, "Okay! Sure!"
"Good," says the woman. "Get your own damn blanket!"
Bonus Joke 2
A man's disease
submitted by Elvira
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the
house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell
me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied. "You're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Bonus Joke
Marriage in heaven
Submitted by Stacey
On their way to a Justice of the Peace to get married, a couple had a fatal
car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.
Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly
get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out." And he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months... and
they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with
the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are
we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also
get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
Bonus Joke
Pilots' hell
Submitted by Suzannah
Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to the pilots' hell, where he
found a hideous devil and three doors. The devil was busy escorting other
pilots to various "hell rooms".
"I'll be right back. Don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit where the
pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flight checks.
He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red
lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.
Unable to imagine a worse fate, Mac cautiously opened the third door. He was
amazed to see many beautiful and scantily clad flight attendants answering
to a captain's every whim. He quickly returned to his place seconds before
the devil reappeared.
"Okay, Mac," said the devil. "Which door will it be, No. 1 or No. 2?"
"But I want No. 3," answered Mac.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door No. 3. That's flight
attendants' hell."
Subject: Shark
There was this atheist swimming in the ocean.
All of sudden he sees this shark in
the water, so he starts swimming towards his
boat. As he looks back he sees the
shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a
way off and he starts swimming like
crazy. He's scared to death, and he turns to see
the jaws of the great white beast
open revealing its teeth in horrific splendor.The
atheist then screams, "Oh God! Save me!" In an
instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines
down from above.The man is motionless in the water
when he hears the voice of God say,"You are an
atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not
believe in me?"The atheist, with confusion and
knowing he can't lie, replies, "Well,that'strue, I
don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can
you make the shark believe in you?" The Lord
replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back
into the heavens and the man could feel the
water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks
back he can see the jaws of the shark
start to close down on him, when all of a sudden the
shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge
beast closes its eyes and bows its head and
says..........."Thank you Lord for
this food which I am about
to receive....."
Submitted by Mr.Daniel YUEN
[email protected]
"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."
---T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
Subject: Fw: What job ads *really* mean
-----Original Message-----
What job ads *really* mean:"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying you less than our
competition."Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you."Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a
couple of the real daring guys wear earrings."Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend."Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around."Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance."Career-minded"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way)."Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position
has been filled."Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit."Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos."Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect."Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
want and do it.
Submitted by Mr.Daniel YUEN
[email protected]
Subject: 3 wishes
Three men: a GM (boss), a DGM, and an AGM are in Mumbai for a two-week period IT project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their
lunch hour. Way up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub
the lamp, a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes,but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The AGM went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life playing golf in Hawaii, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to Hawaii.
The DGM went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the GM's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the GM.
* Morale of the story: Never go out lunch with your boss!!!
Daniel YUEN
[email protected]
To all the guys who'd like to have a wife.
Question To Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 10.3 and Golf 2.5 no longer run,crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Jon
Response:ReRrrrkdk
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0
to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony/Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset Button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is of very high maintenance.
Tech Support
ARKON Technologies Inc
Above submitted by Patrick.3rd August,2000.
Above submitted from Patrick. 3rd August,2000.
Three death row prisoners were to be executed by firing squad on the same day.
The first one, a British, walked up against the wall. The captain then bellowed, "Ready!
One, Two, Three..."
The Brit pointed in the other direction and yelled, "Tornado!"
Everybody turned around and looked. The Brit jumped over the wall and escaped.
The second one, a German, walked up against the wall. The captain then bellowed, "Ready! One, Two, Three..."
The German pointed in the other direction and yelled, "Flash Flood!"
Everybody turned around and looked. The German jumped over the wall and escaped.
The third one, a Polish, walked up against the wall. The captain then bellowed, "Ready!
One, Two, Three..."
The Polish pointed in the other direction and yelled, "Fire!"Submitted by Felix the Decipher.
. .笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 1＞一位病重的老人即將死去。 醫生認為已經不需要再隱瞞他的病情了， 便在巡房後來到老人的病床旁。 「你的病已經很嚴重了。」醫生告訴他。 「我相信你必然想知道事實，現在你還想見什麼人嗎？」 虛弱的老人點了點頭說：「是的！」 他用幾乎聽不見的聲音說：「我想看另一位醫生。」--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 2＞ 一位婦人抱著BABY到一間婦產科。 醫生問婦人說：BABY是吃母乳還是牛奶啊？ 婦人：吃母乳！ 醫生：那請你把衣服脫下來。 婦人：啊！？為什麼？ 醫生：請你不用緊張，這裡是婦產科，絕不會對你有任何侵犯的。 婦人半信半疑的脫去了上衣 醫生用他的手在婦人的胸部上摸摸，下摸摸，左搓搓，右揉揉。 對這婦人說：難怪BABY會營養不良，妳根本就沒有母乳嘛！ 婦人：廢話！我當然沒有母乳；我是他阿姨！--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 3＞ 病人對醫生說：「哎呀！我吃的那些生蠔好像不大對勁？」 「那些蠔新鮮嗎？」 醫生一面按病人的腹部一面問：「你剝開蠔殼時肉色如何？」 病人：「什麼！要剝開殼吃的？」--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 4＞ 有位患者到醫院求診。 醫師問：你哪邊不舒服？ 患者答：我昨晚做了個夢，夢見自己是頭牛在吃草。 醫師便說：你放心，這很正常。 每個人也會夢到，夢境和現實是不一樣的。 只見那位患者很緊張的說： 可是.....可是......我起床時發現我床上的草席不見了一半！--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 5＞ 候診室裡坐著一位憂心忡忡的病人，當醫生傳喚他時， 他滿面愁容的說：「醫生，怎麼辦？我昨天誤喝下一瓶汽油！」 醫生回答他說：「喔..沒關係啦！記得這幾天不要抽煙！」--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 6＞ 患者：「大夫，我咳嗽得很厲害。」 大夫：「你多大年紀？」 患者：「七十五歲。」 大夫：「二十歲咳嗽嗎？」 患者：「不咳嗽。」 大夫：「四十歲時咳嗽嗎？」 患者：「也不咳嗽。」 大夫：「那現在不咳嗽，還要等到什麼時候咳嗽？」--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 7＞ 婦產科的候診室前，有兩個準爸爸不安地踱步著，等待妻子生產。 其中一位嘆氣地說：真倒楣啊！這事剛好踫到我在休假...。 另一位則說：我比你更倒楣，我現在還在度蜜月哩!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 8＞ 有個病人請教醫師關於手腳冰冷的問題。 醫師：「當我覺得手腳冰冷時，就會抱著我的妻子，於是就會熱起來，覺得溫暖....。」 病人：「這倒是一個值得一試的方法....那....請問尊夫人什麼時候比較方便呢？」--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 9＞ 有一個花花公子，因為玩的太兇了， 結果那話兒就生病，連續看了好幾個西醫， 醫生都告訴他：「你這裡不行了，一定得切掉！」 那花花公子怎捨得啊！就跑去看中醫。 中醫看了看說：「雖然太晚了，嗯....不過沒關係！」 「真的嗎？可是我看了好多西醫都說一定要切掉。」 醫生道：「西醫就是這樣，動不動就要切東西。 這瓶藥你拿去，每天塗三次要不了多久，它就會自己掉下來的啦！」--------------------------------------------------------------------------------笑到暈倒 ＜醫生篇part 10＞ 「大夫，手術成功的可能性有多少﹖」 「哦，我連這一次，已經有九十七次的手術經驗了。」 「那我就放心了。」 「嗯！我也希望成功一次。」----------------------------------------------------------------------------------甲師奶: 你係唔係有病呀?
乙師奶: 做乜野話我有病呀?
甲師奶: 你唔係有病咩?
乙師奶: 我有咩野病呀?
甲師奶: “盲腸炎”囉.
乙師奶: 我幾時有盲腸炎呀?
甲師奶: 乜唔係咩, 你第一時間走去狂掃鹽, 仲唔係患咗”盲搶鹽” (盲目去搶購食鹽)
資料來自港台節目 “有冇搞錯” 在日本9級地震第七日後.
Submitted by Sam .
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冷笑話
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一女子，開出徵婚條件有兩點：
1.要帥
2.要有車
然後，電腦去幫她搜尋，結果︰
象棋
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國際學校，老師問學生：「說說你們對其他國家的糧食短缺問題的個人意見吧！」
非洲學生：「什麼是糧食？」
歐洲學生：「什麼是短缺？」
美國學生：「什麼是其他國家？」
中國學生：「什麼是個人意見？」
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兒子：今天的算術測驗被老師罵了。
爸爸：為什麼？
兒子：老師問我２ｘ３等於幾，我說６。
爸爸：沒錯啊！
兒子：老師又問我３ｘ２等於幾。爸爸：這他媽的有什麼區別！
兒子：我也是這樣說的。
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一個消化不良的病人向醫生抱怨：
我近來很不正常，吃什麼拉什麼，吃黃瓜拉黃瓜，
吃西瓜拉西瓜，怎樣才能恢復正常呢？醫生沉默片刻說： 那你只能吃屎了。
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Above submitted by Chucky.
