I_Face_the_Metal

September 24, 2001
This week promises to be as interesting as last week.
I jumped for joy when I weighed in on Monday to see I had lost four lbs. Can you imagine that? I did a quick mental calculation and decided that I hadn't lost four pounds this week, but rather lost 4.4 lbs. over the two weeks. It help to put things into perspective, as I know deep down that four lb. losses just aren't a reality. There's a psychology behind this thinking, and I want to take the focus away from large or small numbers.
In retrospect, it's become clear to me what I need to do to continue with losses - I must cut carbs, and I must rock those points!
I clearly remember my mother's beautiful face looking up and me and saying, "Oh Karen. Will things never come easy to you?"
I guess not mom. Everything I have gained in my life I have had to struggle for. Everything. I'm not complaining, as I think this has made me a sturdy person and a formidable woman at times.
This means I will have to be ever so vigilant in working this plan. I cannot, for one moment, allow my guard to let down. Nor can I speculate that when I reach goal I will be home free. I won't be. In fact, contrary to what some might believe, I think I'll be at the beginning of this important journey. It will be the maintaining and actually living the program which will keep me safe from obesity. I shudder to think what could happen if I waver, if I crumble.
Some think this is an easy journey for me. They are wrong. This is extremely difficult, as it is for most. Yes, I'm determined, and yes I am seeing results, but those devils of doubt dance in the head. The voices which told me my whole life that I am worthless, that I don't deserve happiness nor success. Well, I have the success thing licked despite those voices. I am happy with my marriage, my son, my job and life in general. No one can take that from me, except me.
Self-worth, I believe, is gained through accomplishement. Thus, it is vitally important that I accomplish this as well. My worth is in my doing, not my being. Does that make sense?
Putting all that aside, I will take this victory. I will wallow in it's golden, healing light. I will shine. Each day will have merit on its own - but for me, each day must be lived On Plan.

September 25, 2001
Cripes! What in hell is going on? I've gained those four lbs. back in one day! How's this possible?
Sheesh! Settle down Karen. This is not the end of the world - the sun will rise tomorrow. Get a grip!!
But I am close to tears.
Then, a wonderful thing happens. My sister in law, who is the sweetest person around and about 50 lbs. less than I, brings over a box of clothing. Inside the box are beautiful clothes. I'm certain they will never fit. One by one I try them on. But not before I look at the size labels. Extra-large and large. No way. Nuh-uh. But I try them on anyway and they fit! I grab my sister-in-law and give her a hug. Does she know it's more than clothes she gave me? Does she understand that I can fit into these clothes? That I have come down three and four sizes from 3X and 2X to this? What a gift she has given me.
My heart is full.
Yes, this is a frightening journey. It is filled with landmines and detours. But along the way I am encouraged by friends and family who share their hearts with me. They lend me strength.
I can't let them down. I can't let me down!
Sept. 26, 2001
I am such a goose!
When will I learn to trust? I am back to the weight I was before weigh in - of course that was after being up half the night peeing. I talk to myself once again about trust, staying on plan, but most importantly - ignoring the Metal Monster.
He will not dictate to me!
Now, believe it Karen.