I told you this was a busy month! This month was the first time I've been able to pass without makeup. It keeps happening more frequently as my hair gets longer and (I guess) the hormones are doing their work on my face. The first time was when I went to have my oil changed. I wasn't wearing anything but blue jeans, top and a jacket. The young man came up to the car and said "Can I help you ma'am" . Great - so far. Then I proceeded to tell him what I wanted done (using my normal voice) and he said "Ok ma'am, we'll get right on it". Hmmmmmmm. A trend starting here? So I gave him the car and went into the waiting area. After a little while another young man came in and asked for Mr. Smith. There was a guy on my left and he looked at him. A guy on my right and he looked at him. Then back to my left...... then right....... passing over me each time. I finally had to speak up and tell him I was the one he was looking for. And this without makeup! :-)
So far I've gone to the supermarket, video store, computer store, restaurants and I forget now, but a lot of places, and been called ma'am in each. Without makeup.
Still in February and things are still going on. Darn, I'll be glad when this month is over!! Still no word from my daughter and it's been two weeks. In a way, perhaps this is ok. They're making it very easy to leave town and cut my ties with the past. That doesn't make it FEEL any better, just easier. I've talked with my mom and she's going to see if she can find out how my daughter is. Hell of a note. {SIGH}
Something else kind of bad has happened. I had a terrible, terrible day in the stock market. I had lost some because of my picks and that was ok, you take your lumps. But then, due to my lack of experiance, I didn't check one little box when I tried to get out. One little box. $8,000. Gone in an instant. Total loss for the day - $13,500. Ouch! Needless to say, I'm not trading anymore. I'm not getting plastic surgery this year either. This, along with the lack of contact with my daughter, is keeping my awake at night. Two to four hours sleep a night is about normal now. Being TS is so much fun. And look on the bright side, I get to see a lot of pretty sunrises!
I discussed all of this with my psychologist, Dr. Edwards, and she has been a pillar of hope. For example, on Wednesday of last week Claire had treated me to a breakfast at IHOP. I cried all the way there and didn't stop during breakfast. And I don't mean the sniffles, I was crying like a baby. However, after meeting with Dr. Edwards on Thursday, I was feeling much better, even had some spring in my step. How? By pointing out that I needed to get my arse out of the house and get a job. In other words, I needed to go to the next step as Theresa and get a job! Get a life! Sounds simple, but I was afraid to do this. A lot of girls get hung up on the loss of their old income and status. You HAVE to be willing to start over, just like any 50 year old woman with little or no work history. After SRS, you can change all your old records, but in the meantime, it does your confidence a world of good to just get a job. Can I do this? I'll find out soon enough.
The 6th and no word from my daughter yet. Today I go out and look for a job. I would have gone last week, but I was on my way to Atlanta with Claire right after my visit with Dr. Edwards. Claire did electrolysis and we both went with Lois to an Atlanta support group meeting, and while there, met a speech therapist and a psychiatrist. Both important people to know. After the meeing, we went out to a little place with all the girls and had a fine time. We ate dessert!! (And the Atlanta girls were fun too). Hey, any group that goes out to a dessert place after their meeting is all right with me! :-)
I also have my first date today. It's only for lunch so not exactly what I had hoped for, but like everything else, it's a start.
And he's cute. ;-) I just hope I don't fall asleep on him during lunch is all.
March 8th
It's been a year now since I put this website up. The changes in my life are incredible. OK, back to the diary. The date got called off. It was ok with me, the reason was a good one. No time to worry about that because I went out and put in some applications for a job. I was afraid I was going to be nervous, but I wasn't. I also didn't get a job. Of course, I just started, but I can see problems ahead if I don't change my name. I was going to wait because of the kids, but I don't think I need worry about that anymore. Also, the people taking the job applications look at you a little funny when your name and social security records don't match. I would guess that they don't want the baggage you bring with you, they just want someone to do the job without any problems. Especially scary ones like being TS. Scary to them that is.
I did have a ray of hope this week. My sister had a shop for years in Houston that did silk screening and embroidery. She has the training and now, perhaps, the equipment needed to start a new shop in San Angelo. It will take most of the money I have left to buy the equipment, but it will be a profession that I won't have to pay my dues at the school of hard knocks (like the stock market). That was already done by my sister. She made good money at it too, but a divorce got that business like it got mine.
My mom is having a little trouble calling me Theresa.. She said she could call me something like Thelma much easier. I kind of like the idea of her helping name me, kind of feels right if you know what I mean.
March 13th
I changed my name - legally. In court and everything. Well, actually, I only had to go into the judges chambers and it took about 10 minutes total. The cost wasn't bad either, $114.50 is all. OH! Plus a dollar for parking. :) I then went down and had another drivers license made under my old name. That way, when I have my license made as Theresa, I'll have a backup for just-in-case. I decided to keep Theresa BTW. I just really like that name.
I met with my "date" on Saturday night at Denny's. Claire and I were on our way home from Atlanta when he called and wanted to meet. Sure! I'm glad I put on my makeup but not so glad that I had put it on at 4:30 that morning. We only talked for an hour or so but I had a pleasant time. He was on his way back home in Florida but I haven't heard from him as of yet (I'm writting this on the evening of the 15th), but my email server is kind of crappy. For the past two weeks I can only read about one email and then it quits working. And then, for the past two days, ALL my emails got lost! So I don't know if he's tried or not.
I'm starting to sleep better now. For the past few days I've been getting around 6 hours a night. I still see the sunrises, but I wake up to them, not greet them after being up for hours.
This is kind of an update for the month. If you read my history, you'll remember that I had some friends in Chicago that I had known since 7th grade. I wasn't going to tell them about me. I mean why? I don't see them that often and I'm still in RLT and will be for another 9 months. I could change my mind (THAT'S happened before!). Well, Marge told them. She told me one day while we were discussing my daughter on the phone. I called them that night and found out that indeed, she had told them. Failed to mention that she know about me for years though. Anyway, one wouldn't talk with me and the other just wants to email - maybe. Thanks for everything ya'all. (To be fair, their reaction is pretty typical - the fun part of this whole thing.)
WARNING - SOUR GRAPES
(I'm just venting, don't read unless you really, really don't have anything better to do!)
An update for January. I had talked Claire into letting my son build her a computer, he could use the money and the machine would be tested and ready to go. Well, so much for the plan. My son took about 5 weeks longer than expected to deliver (no explaination), but it worked fine. Then we tried to network three computers together. Oops! It seems that Windows 98 and the program used to link the computers together didn't always work properly. My son had set up a LAN and then hooked all three computers up to an ADSL line. Strange things kept happening to Claire's new computer and she blamed it, and my son. Remember, we didn't know about the conflicts. Claire eventually just gave up. I came downstairs one day and the computer was sitting on the dining room table. She wanted her money back. Ok, fine. I called my son and he found a buyer for it, for $700 less than Claire paid for it. I ponied up $400 and gave it to Claire because I felt responsible. She needed that computer to earn a living. I then bought Claire a new computer on credit and was going to wait for my son to give me the money for first computer to pay it off (less the $400). Well, guess what, the new Dell computer did the same thing. HUH! Then we found out about the conflicts. Things still aren't working like they should but it's getting better..
It's March 19th (and that's ok because he said I would get paid in March) and I can't raise him on the phone. I've left three messages so far. My ex isn't answering either and I need to see how the books are doing from the business. Did they all leave town?
March 22 and I just talked with my son. All is well. He has the check. Everyones fine. Perhaps I'll sleep tonight.
I guess I could mention that guy I met at Denny's that Saturday night. I still haven't heard a word. I've GOT to get a differant deodorant or something!!
I think the sour grape period is over. :-)
Last week was kind of a banner one for me. Eight and a half hours of electrolysis! As I'm getting closer and closer to being finished I'm putting in more hours. You see, I don't want to get a job until my face is clear. Soon, very soon! A note on electrolysis. It seems that if the hair is dead, it doesn't hurt when you pull it out. I'm not sure if that applies to the first time it's treated or the second or what, but I know that now it doesn't hurt when being pulled out. I've learned how to "adjust" the heat being applied so I'm getting better results. And less pain. To explain what I mean by "adjust", if I feel a tug I have the heat turned up. If I still feel it, I go up again until either I can't stand the pain or I don't feel the tug.
Let's see, what else. Well, I made an appointment for plastic surgery on the 12th of July. I go out the 10th so x-rays can be taken, the 11th will be consultation day and then the big day! I'm having Dr. Ousterhout do the work BTW. I've had other plastic surgeons that I felt would do an OK job, but I want the surgeon to be aggressive in the feminization process. I am NOT going to change my mind! I've told my mom and sister all of this and they're ok with it. Ok enough to come out to San Francisco with me and stay with me until I recover. I'm not telling my ex or the kids anything.
March 28th
I'm starting to wonder why I really started this website. I have used it to show friends and they're aghast at what they see. So why do I keep working on it? What about it is so important? I'm trying to answer that because I'm starting to think that I need the answers for me to grow as a person. I'm thinking, and this could change, that I originally started the site to show off and to let other girls like me know I was there. After a lifetime of being in the background and just doing what I was supposed to, after a lifetime of letting others dictate who I was, I wanted to find ME. I take that back. I didn't want to find me, I NEEDED to find me. I was seriously thinking about ending this whole charade called life a few years ago. All I did was work and life had no meaning for me. My wife could get along fine, so could the kids. Heck, I had over $500,000 in life insurance so why not just give it to them right away? I think this is what's so hard for everyone to understand, how I felt about myself. I seemed fine to them, so I must be, right? But I wasn't. Then I got sick and the pictures I started taking made me realize that another chance at life was possible. Not easy, but possible. This site was my way of saying "Hello World!". I had hope for the first time in my life that I could be something other than a non-person. Now the sticky part and I have to REAL careful here. Am I really TS? Or am I just trying to "get a life" in a way that will, eventually, let me down? However, I don't see me being anything other than a woman. Want to know something? I've never, ever, been able to call myself a man. My mouth won't work when I try to say it in reference to myself. I noticed that about 10 years ago and wondered why. I think I have my answer, everything just seems to make more sense now. But this shows how much thought I'm putting into this. I DON'T want to make a mistake. This is why anyone considering SRS should do AT LEAST a year of the Real Life Test, or RLT. Now I have to say "Thank you Jackie" for making me think about this. I think I'm going to be ok.
March 29
I had my first kiss today. And that's all I'm gonna tell ya! LOL
March 30
I got my new drivers license today! Something happened that's kind of funny now, but it was a little embarrassing at the time. What happened was the machine for producing the licenses broke down and people started to fill the room waiting for their licenses. Fine. I had already done everything I needed to do and was just waiting to have my new picture taken. When they got the machine working they started calling people. Calling them by their last name only mind you. After what must have been around ten or twelve people they called me. "Mr. XXXXX XXXXX!" I was in trouble, but I got up and walked over to the counter. I don't know how many people heard the cleck call out my name, everyone in the building for sure but I don't know about the people on the street. Perhaps. Anyway, we got it straight and I got the picture taken. Came out pretty good too. It had better!!!!!
