NORMAL VOICE:
According to Sigmund Freud, we pass through five stages.
The Oral Stage, Anal Stage, Phallic Stage, the Gestation
period, and then Puberty.
According to Freud, I am not fat, I am orally fixated.
HOARSE PROFESSOR:
For this evening’s symposium, here at the University Inn,
in the shadow of the great University of Washington,
I would like to put forth a new hypothesis.
I assert that fat people are not orally fixated, but have
anal envy.
DUMBSHIT VOICE:
Why else would they want to grow another one of these?
ACTION: Press tummy together to make artificial ass.
{Pause for Laughter}
NORMAL VOICE:
According to Robin Williams, on his Live at the Met album,
“ROBIN-LIKE” voice
“There are people who are so stoned,...”
ACTION: SHOW (edible kitty) LITTER BOX.
“ROBIN-LIKE” Voice
“...they’ll eat Kitty Litter.”
ACTION: Toke off invisible roach. Must be faster.
ACTION: BELIEF SYSTEM: Portray really Stoned followed by intense munchies.
ACTION: Grab handfuls of homemade edible kitty litter and eat it fast.
{NOTE: Have water!}
{Pause for Laughter}
NORMAL VOICE:
According to Robin...
“ROBIN-LIKE” Voice
It’s Real Crunchy.
CRAZY MAN’S VOICE
Whattaya mean, Robin? It tastes like SHIT.
{Pause for Laughter}
ACTION: POINT AT WHOEVER IS GAGGING
NORMAL VOICE:
I’ll do anything for a gag.
{Pause for Laughter}
ACTION: WHIP OUT ELECTRIC RAZOR AND PROCEED TO CUT OFF LEFT-HALF
BEARD
NORMAL VOICE:
I went into a 7-11 one night to buy one beer.
So what if I’d fully shaved and had a full beard on my
driver’s license???!!! According to the clerk
HUSKY FEMININE VOICE (but different from last one)
“This don’t look like you. I don’t have to sell
you a beer.”
ACTION: FINISH SHAVING HALF OFF BEARD
AUTHORITATIVE TV UNSOLVED MYSTERIES VOICE:
Since when did 7-11's corner the market on identification
experts?
JUDGE DOOM-like high pitched screaming VOICE (from end of “Who framed Roger
Rabbit?”)
So, the next time I went in for a driver’s license photo,
I went in just like this!
{Pause for Laughter}
NORMAL VOICE:
There was an aisle down the middle at the DMV.
These people saw this.
ACTION: Turn head to show left profile.
NORMAL VOICE:
Those people saw that.
ACTION: Turn head to show right profile.
When I got to the end, I turned around to face the crowd,
and all these heads went.
ACTION: Tilt head sideways facing audience.
{Pause for Laughter}
ACTION: WHIP OUT DRIVER’S LICENSE
And now this face is on my driver’s license, a copy of
which you can see on these massive projection screens, or would, if we were
in a Las Vegas auditorium, but today, we’ll have to rely on your imagination.
{Pause for light Laughter}
NORMAL VOICE
I’ve been doing this...
ACTION: SHAKE AND WAVE ID’s
NORMAL VOICE
...for five years.
I have two drivers licenses, and have reverse shaves on
each.
Can’t ya tell? I’ve been doing field research for
this joke.
{Pause for Laughter}
NORMAL VOICE:
Whichever face I am, I’m covered.
Whenever I need to use my ID, I say,
LIFE NORMAL VOICE
“Look at the unshaved half.”
or “Look at the shaved half.”
or, if it’s somewhere in between, “Look at both halves
and cross your eyes.
NORMAL VOICE:
Some people laugh.
Some people smile.
And some people just don’t get it.
{Pause for Light Laughter}
NORMAL VOICE:
I say,
AUTHORITARIAN VOICE:
“Put your thumb over the shaved side.”
ACTION: PUT HAND OVER LEFT SIDE OF FACE
“Now do you see???!!!”
{Pause for Laughter}
And then., as if like clockwork, that’s when the really intelligent questions
start.
HUSKY FEMININE MALE VOICE:
How did that happen?
DRUNK DUMBSHIT VOICE:
Did you do that on purpose?
STONER VOICE:
Hey, Man, didn’t the DMV say anything?
ACTIVE NORMAL VOICE
You goddamned right they said something. Approved!
{Pause for Laughter}
NORMAL VOICE
Look, if you think this is a good idea, go do it.
Just remember my name. I’m David Brager!
Anything you can do in this world to make people laugh is worth the effort.
Next time, I’ll teach you all scrypnosis.
I’ll answer any hypnosis question, not matter how twisted.
Just come to S-C-R-Y-P-N-O, S-I-S-DOT-COM
Thank you, Seattle, and Good Night!