A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in
the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as
a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried
smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it.
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to
clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.
"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once,
but didn't like it."
Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a
golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman.
"I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I
didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office.
"Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
Archive
Ok here is what Friday the 13th Ten will be about...
Premise: After being in suspended animation for four hundred years, the psychotic and unstoppable Jason Voorhees is awakened by a exploration team visiting the blasted remnants of Earth. As Jason once again begins his murderous spree, it's up to a woman from the 21st century to put an end to Jason's madness -- or else he'll bring his legacy of terror to the stars.
I wish it were a joke but this is actually TRUE!!!
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
This guy had a girl named Wendy, who he loved so much,
he had her name tattooed on his penis. When unaroused all
you could see was 'WY'. One day he's in a public restroom
when a big black guy steps up to the urinal next to him.
Being a bit curious he looks down and to his amazement
sees 'WY' on the man's penis.
"Hey I have a tattoo just like that, is your girls name
Wendy too?"
"Nah, mine says 'Welcome to Jamacia, have a nice day'"
Pillsbury Doughboy Dead At 71
Veteran pillsbury spokesman, the Pillsbury Doughbough, died recently of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. he was 71. Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies of recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others. The gravesite was piled high with flours as long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business but later in life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
This is the jingle for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation from the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
Share and enjoy, share and enjoy!
Journey through life with a plastic boy
Or girl by your side,
Let your pal be your guide,
And when it breaks down or starts to annoy
Or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy
'Cause it's eaten up your hat
Or had sex with your cat
Spread oil on your wall
Or ripped off your door
And you get to the point you ca't stand anymore
Bring it to us, we won't give a fig!
We'll tell you:
Go stick your head in a Pig!
Yeah you thought the joke was my new love of NSYNC, sorry! That is real. This joke may be long but is hilarious! For those who like or hate NSYNC.
~~~~Scream 3 Starring...*NSYNC~~~~
Justin: Yello?
Scary Voice: Hello, Justin.
Justin: Um, who be dis?
Scary Voice: Well, you tell me.
Justin: I gots no ideas.
Scary Voice: Do you like scary movies?
Justin: Yeah g! I saw dat Backstreet Boys home video 20 times,yo!
Scary Voice: That's not what I'm talking about you fucking idiot!
I mean HORROR movies! Like, "Halloween H20" or Friday the 13th, or something like that!
Justin: Ohhh! Nah, homes, I don't watch much shit like dat. At least not without my mommy around ... hold up a minute, who da hell is dis? I've gotta fly honey comin' over in a second, so I can't be wastin' my flava on you!
Scary Voice: Her name wouldn't be.. Britney- would it?
Justin: HELLS NO! I wouldn't touch that skank if ya'll PAID me!
Scary Voice: Then who the hell do I have tied up on your patio?
Justin: WHAT?!
[Justin runs to the sliding door and turns on the patio lights. There sits Britney, tied to a chair bruised and bleeding.....]
Justin: Yo- it's abouts time someone did that!
Scary Voice: We're going to play a little game, Justin. If you answer the question right, Britney lives. If you get it wrong, then I kill her and leave her body in your Benz.
Justin: My Benz! Oh my God, da blood would never come out of the upholstery! [Justin starts to cry.] Okay, okay! I'll play yo' game, g!
Scary Voice: First question ... name the other members of NSYNC in 10 seconds or less.
Justin: [Pausing] Uhh, well ... um, there's JC, ... what's-his-face Chris!... uh, there's one named Lance, right? Okay, dats four ...
Scary Voice: Times up! Say bye-bye to Britney!
[Justin watches in horror as Britney is gutted, her fat rolls out falling all over the patio.]
Scary Voice: Now, Justin. On to Round Two ... what color are you?
Justin: What?
Scary Voice: You heard me, what COLOR are you?!
[Justin is silent, pondering to himself.]
Scary Voice: Are you BLACK or WHITE, Justin?
Justin: [finally, after a hesitation, he answers...] Yo, is dis a trick question?
Scary Voice: Wrong Answer, Justin!
[A dark figure, wearing a white ghost mask, suddenly jumps through the glass door. He stabs Justin 34 times. (violent much?) and hangs his body from the rafters.]
Justin (dying): Joey! ...Dats..who da other..one...is!
[The next day at Transcon, NSYNC finds out the horrible news...]
Lance (hanging up the phone): Hey, you guys, I got some bad news. Somebody killed Justin last night.
Chris: WHAT?!
JC: Oh my God! Justin's dead?! Without Justin, we're ruined! Who else can even get 8-year-olds sexually aroused but him? Certainly not any of us.
Joey: Hey, when are we eating?
Chris: Is that all you can think about? My BEST FRIEND is dead! He was the only one who ever laughed at my jokes! I'm screwed!
Lance: Hey, on the plus side, somebody killed Britney too.
JC: Well, I guess every cloud does have its silver lining.
[One of their managers, Lou Pearlman enters the room]
Lou: Boys, I'm sure you've heard the terrible news. I'm probably losing thousands of dollars as we speak. Anyway, to be on the safe side, I'm imposing a curfew on you. You must all be indoors by 9 o' clock.
Chris: What a fat piece of shit.
Joey (looking up from a bag of chips): Huh?
Chris: No, not you Joey. I was talking about Lou.
Joey: Oh.
JC: So what are we going to do?
Lance: Well, if we have to be in by nine, why don't we invite all of our friends over so we won't be lonely?
JC: Yeah, but Lance, you don't have any friends.
Lance: Oh yeah. Okay, why don't we just all get wasted and make fun of Joey instead?
JC and Chris: Okay! [Later that night, at Chris' house]
Chris: Hey, can somebody get me another beer?
Lance: Yeah, me too.
JC: Me three.
[They all turn to stare at Joey.]
Joey: How come I'm always the one who has to get the beer?
JC: What else are you good for?
Lance: Hey Joey, I think there's a coke in the garage.
Joey: Coke?
Lance (nodding): Yeah, a Superman-shaped one. You can have it if you get us more beer.
Joey: SUPERMAN-SHAPED!! Oh my, God, I think I just had an orgasm!
JC: That was more than I needed to know. [Joey takes off running. He enters the garage and looks around excitedly. His excitement soon turns to confusion.]
Joey: Hey, I don't see any coke! But Lance wouldn't LIE to me! I've shared too much of myself with him to do that!
[Suddenly, the door slams. Joey whirls around only to come face to face with the dark, scary ghost-faced man.]
Joey: What the hell? [The killer raises a knife and charges at Joey. Joey shrieks and tries to squeeze through the cat door, only to find that his head is the only thing he can fit.]
Joey: Well, this is...awkward.
[The killer hits the garage door opener and Joey is decapitated. Poor Joey. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the house...]
JC (returning from the bathroom, YES, contrary to teenybopper belief, NSYNC DOES use the bathroom)! : Hey guys, what's taking Joey so long?
Chris: Who cares? He's gone. Lets enjoy the moment.
JC: Well, I'm going to check on him. [JC heads to the garage, and discovers Joey's body hanging from the door. Suppressing the urge to vomit, he runs back to the living room to tell Chris and Lance what he'd discovered.]
JC (panicking): You guys! Joey's dead! I saw his body hanging ... (trailing off) Uh, guys, why are you SMILING like that? [Lance and Chris look at eachother and laugh.]
Lance: What's not to smile about? Justin's dead, Joey's dead, and soon you'll be dead. (Lance raises a bloody knife and slowly advances towards JC.) You like my knife? It's an antique. As BOP reported, I really do collect them. But you already knew that, didn't you, JC? That's because you know everything, don't you?
JC: Chris! Help me out here!
Chris: Help? HELP? Why? So you can steal more of my solos later? I don't think so.
JC: Why? Why would you do something like this?
Lance: Why? 'Cause I'm from MISSI-FUCKING-SSIPPI, THAT'S WHY! Or how about this? Lets see, how you would feel if people constantly told you that you couldn't dance, that you were really a girl, and that you were having sex with JOEY?! You would want to kill people too!
JC: You've got a point ... but Lance, all those things are true.
Lance: Shut the fuck up!
JC: Chris? What about you, what's YOUR motive, huh?
Chris: My motive? I'm a 27 year old virgin (not really, but whatever) with dreadlocks, and the only people who see me as a sexual being are under the age of fourteen. Plus, I'm the CRAZY one of the group! It comes with the territory!
JC: Fair enough.
Lance: But you haven't even seen the best part. (Lance snaps his fingers.) Chris! Bring the surprise!
[Chris disappears and returns with a blond boy, gagged and bound.]
JC: Oh my God! You've kidnapped Nick Carter!
Lance: Picture this: Nick relizes that he is not the number one sex symbol in America anymore because of a certain JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. He snaps, and goes on a killing spree. He kills all the members of NSYNC, except, of course, me and Chris.
Chris: Being the stupid fuck that he is, he forgets that we're in the group ... actually, most people tend to forget that.
Lance: Then, the reality of what he's done hits him, and he kills himself. It's perfect!
[Lance turns around quickly. JC quickly kicks the knife out of Lance's hand and grabs it. He stabs Chris through the forehead. Chris stumbles and falls face-first into the kitty-litter box.]
Lance: Wow, he finally did something funny.
JC: I'll say.
[The two continue to struggle as Nick Carter wets his pants for the fifth time. Finally, JC manages to tip the refrigerator over, crushing Lance's skull. JC unties Nick.]
Nick: Oh, JC! Your my hero!
JC: Dude, get the fuck off me. (JC brushes himself off.) Hey, now I can finally have a solo career! What a great ending! I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
.,.,.,.,.THE END.,.,.,.,
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No", said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken"
COMEDY CENTRAL CARTOON FEATURE
(to the tune of "Science Fiction/Double Feature")
Eric Cartman was fat when he ignited his cat
But his mother said he was big boned
And then Kenny was there in orange winterwear
Mumbling everything in muted tones
But something's amiss between Stan and his sis
She attacked him with a lawnmower
Terrance and Phil brought a smile to the face of young Kyle
But they just made his mom fume and glower
It was the...
Late-night Comedy Central Feature
There are four butts on that strange creature
See aliens kidnap Kyle's brother
And the chef gets everyone's mother
At the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
I saw the great Scuzzlebutt weave, bite and cut
When a volcano sent lava downhill
And I laughed quite a lot when I saw Kenny get shot
Zapped, impaled, stampeded, and killed
Mister Garrison said that we should ask Mister Hat
Who screamed that we'd go straight to hell
But when the bus arrives, screams the woman who drives
"Sit down and shut up, or else I'll tell!"
It's a...
Late-night Comedy Central Feature
There are four butts on that strange creature
See aliens kidnap Kyle's brother
And the chef gets everyone's mother
At the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
I wanna go... Oh, oh...
To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
Out in the snow... Oh, oh...
To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
Ike's a dildo... Oh, oh...
To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
A guy goes to the doctor and explains that he needs a castration. The doctor says, "Are you absolutely sure?" and the guy replies that he is. The doctor says that once this is done, there is no going back. But still the guy says he needs a castration. Well the surgery goes as scheduled and the guy is walking around funny. He sees another guy walking funny and says to him "What did they do to you?" and the man replies "Well I just joined the Jewish faith and had to get a circumcision". The guy smacks his forehead in shock and exclaims "THAT was what I was supposed to get!!!"
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US navy vessel with Canadian authorities off Newfoundland in October, 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Recommended you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
NO, I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody. Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it. So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman, and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So, then, we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wooziness' personal computer.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Riving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duel, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates, 1981
"$100 million dollars is way too much to pay for Microsoft."
--IBM, 1982"
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him
to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams
the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his
desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his
report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the
plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
Women's Definitions Argument - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."
Childbirth - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus...breath...push..."
Diet Soda - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Children Book Titles You Will Never See
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
