Misc Jokes

 

How many of these can you do before getting kicked out

 WAL-MART STUFF TO DO
>
> 15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/shopping partner/significant
> other is taking his/her sweet time:
>
> 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms &randomly put them in people's carts when they
> aren't looking.
>
> 2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
>
> 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
>
> 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,"Code3 in
> housewares," and see what happens.
>
> 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.
>
> 6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
> only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
>
> 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't
> you people just leave me alone?"
>
> 9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you
> pick your nose.
>
> 10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows
> where the anti-depressants are.
>
> 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from
> "Mission Impossible"
>
> 12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size
> funnels.
>
> 13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME!!
> PICK ME!!"
>
> 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
> position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again"
>
> and last but not least:
>
> 15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly, "Hey we're out of toilet
> paper in here!"
 

 

 

 Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation


10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!





The Helpful Wife


A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.







In Hot Pursuit

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."


 

 

 A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year
or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very
well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the
speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him
the
following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is
yes."

LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.

LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and
put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover".

--------------------------

 

 So a suburbanite goes fishing one weekend. He puts on ratty clothes and a stinky hat. He hops in his old beaten up ford pickup and goes down to the ocean, fishes and is on his way home.

He gets going a little fast and dosent see the cop behind the hill. He gets pulled over.

The cop approaches and says "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" to which the man replies "no, werent you paying attention either?" to lighten the mood, hoping to get off with a warning.

"Dont get smart with me you bum" he scowls in retort. "You worthless piece of shit, telling me how to do my job, why dont you get a job yourself you bum!"

The man is taken aback a bit at the misinterpretation of his remark. He replies "I have a job sir" The cop replies "Yeah what do you do, spit wash windshields at traffic lights?"

At this point the guy is a little pissed and says "No, I'm a rectum strecher" The cop is silent. "I take two fingers and work them in. Then I get one fist in then another." The cop is stunned "finally, I get the two sides spread out about 6 feet. Its really cool to watch." After a moment the cop comes back with "What do you do with a six foot asshole?"

to which the gentleman replies "I dont know, I guess you could give him a radar gun and stick him on the side of the road behind a hill."

------------------

 Why its good to be a guy

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"