From 'Attack of the Snowclones', part of the Craptacular Editions. By Darth Sillyname, the Dynamic Villain --------------------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. DAGOBAH - DAY Luke receives the special 'How to be a Jedi in 21 easy steps' training course from Yoda. Yoda holds a device. Images of stuff flash on the screen. Luke can't see it. YODA Displayed on my little screen what is? LUKE How should I know?! YODA Not good, this is. Failed the first test, you have. Skip this and go to lesson number two, we will. How feel you? LUKE Hot and sweaty. YODA Not cold? LUKE No, it's the swamp climate. YODA Very good, very good. Miss your mother, you do? LUKE No, I never even knew her. YODA Excellent! Step three passed, you have. Now, fly through narrow canyon and avoid obstacles you must. LUKE I already did that in the previous episode! YODA Oh, okay. Skip lesson number four, we shall then. Number five: still much to learn about the Living Force, you have. LUKE What do you mean? YODA Pick up pathetic life-form you must. Luke looks around, then picks up a snake. YODA (CONT'D) Well done! Yoda activates a holographic map, displaying a bunch of stars. YODA (CONT'D) Look here for lesson number six. Star reacts to pull of gravity, but planet is missing. Where is planet? LUKE Where it should be, to be able to affect the star with its gravitational pull? YODA Very good! Truly remarkable, the mind of a twenty something year old is! Not even experienced Jedi masters could figure this out! LUKE I'm starting to understand why all the Jedi got wiped out... Yoda presses the delete button by accident and the star-map disappears! YODA Gone it is! LUKE Only a Jedi could have erased those files, but who? YODA Dangerous and disturbing this mystery is. Meditate on this, I will. First however, you shall receive the seventh lesson: You must unlearn what you have learned. LUKE oiyuaaetiukl, jbkufos osfjosu ooyr. YODA What? LUKE I'm unlearning to speak. YODA No, no, no! I mean you must unlearn what you have learned from the previous editions! LUKE Including the prequels? YODA No! The new canon, the prequels are! LUKE Master Yoda, why are the prequels so inconsistent? They are like the Expanded Universe. YODA Inconsistent only until next version of Original Editions, my very young apprentice... LUKE Must I also unlearn what Obi-Wan taught me? YODA Obi-Wan trained you?! Damn! Worse than I thought, it is! Yes, yes! Unlearn everything he taught you! An idiot he was! The prequels! Remember the failure of the prequels! LUKE I thought they were a success. YODA Financially, not artistically. Think funny, you are? If practiced your saber skills as much as your wit you did, rival me as a swordsman, you would! LUKE You fight with a lightsaber?! That must look stupid. YODA Watch and learn. Lesson eight. YAAAAH!!!! Yoda jumps up, flip flops, twirls, bounces around trees and swings his little saber! LUKE I was right. That looked stupid. YODA Silliness, fear, anger, hatred, circumstance, bad dialogue, impatience, weak editing, lack of drama...quick to join you in a fight they are. Lesson number nine, that was. LUKE Is the Dark Side stronger? YODA Yes, Lucas said so on the Episode 2 DVD. Lesson number ten, covered we have. LUKE It's going fast! YODA Lesson number eleven, time for it has come. Go into that cave you must. A domain of evil it is. LUKE Lucasfilm Licensing is located there? YODA No, it is a place strong with the Dark Side. LUKE Was the mystery of this cave ever explained? YODA No, too busy explaining history of Boba Fett, we were. Luke is about to enter the cave. He leaves his saber behind. YODA (CONT'D) Your saber, take it with you everywhere, you must. Your life, this weapon is. Lesson twelve, forget you must not. LUKE Sorry master. I try. YODA No! Do or do not, there is no try! Try not to forget it next time. Lesson number thirteen, already completed we have now. Luke enters the cave to do lesson number eleven. INT. CAVE OF EXPANDED UNIVERSE Luke encounters a figure! A tired old man... LUKE Who are you? DOOKU I am Count Dooku. LUKE Who?! DOOKU Everybody asks that question. I should have been in Episode 1, but I wasn't. I was in a few scenes in Episode 2, but the scenes where my background and my original motives were explained got cut. In Episode 3 I was killed off early in the movie. I was forgotten, and now I roam here in the Expanded Universe Hell...where all characters end up sooner or later. Oh, by the way, Qui-Gon Jinn was once my apprentice. LUKE So? DOOKU Qui-Gon Jinn trained Obi-Wan, who trained you. And Yoda trained me, and now you. So we have a history, Luke. LUKE No we don't. Dooku starts crying. DOOKU (crying) I know! I just like to pretend I am somehow connected to important characters who do have a history! Luke exits the cave, confused. EXT. DAGOBAH - EVENING Luke joins Yoda. YODA Time for lesson number fourteen. Easy this one will be. Stand on one finger, balance me on your foot, levitate boxes and droid, and look into the future you must. Luke does so. LUKE Han, Leia! Luke and Yoda and Artoo fall down. YODA It was the future you have seen. LUKE Will they die? YODA Difficult to see. Always in motion, the future is. Either that, or the Dark Side clouds our vision and limits our ability to use the Force. Pick one. Lesson number fifteen, a challenging one it is. LUKE An inconsistency test! Interesting. I'll pick the one where the future is always in motion. That's cool and deep, because it implies that you control your own destiny. YODA Wrong! To be a Jedi is to be lame and stupid! Deep and meaningful are the ways of the outdated editions! LUKE It seems so weak. I always thought we were luminous beings who where spiritual and stuff like that. YODA Crude matter we are, with microscopic life-forms living inside our cells. The will of the Force they tell us. Test person with communicators and standard equipment on starships you can. This lesson number sixteen may come in handy one day. Then Luke's Left-Wing fighter sinks into the swamp. YODA (CONT'D) Use the Force. Feel the midichlorians inside you and pull out your ship. Lesson seventeen, we have reached. Luke fails. Yoda then concentrates and the L-Wing is CG levitated onto the shore. LUKE I don't believe it. YODA Why not? Already levitated a heavy object in Episode 2, I did. You must let go and believe whatever it is you are shown in prequels. Lesson number eighteen - a difficult one this is for certain. LUKE I have to go and help my friends. YODA Lesson number nineteen: sometimes you must sacrifice your friends for the greater good. LUKE Is this something you learned at the time of the prequels? YODA No. From Star Trek 2: The Wrath Of Kahn. 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few'. LUKE I'm outta here! OBI-WAN Luke, be careful! I can't help you. LUKE Then what's the point of all this ghost stuff?! YODA There is no point. Lesson number twenty, that was. Only one more to go, we have! LUKE I will come back and complete my training. I promise. YODA Remember, lessons one to twenty were part of free extended limited time offer trial period preview. For last step you must join Hyperspace paid subscription service on official website! LUKE I'll remember. Luke flies away. OBI-WAN That boy was our only hope. YODA No. I cloned another. ------------------------------------------------------------------------