written by Darth Sillyname Last revision: 14 Oct. 2002 a long time ago in a galaxy not so far from here.... Stars, the title, followed by the roll-up. SUPPOSED TO BE STAR WARS EPISODE 2 ATTACK OF THE EFFECTS - DON'T TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUSLY There is unrest in the Galactic Senate. Several thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to secede from the Republic, so no doubt somewhere in this movie we will find out why, because we didn't see any sign of this in Episode 1. The seperatist movement, under the leadership of the mysterious Count Dooku - who is mysterious because we've never heard from this obviously important character in the set-up episode - has made it difficult for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peace and order in the galaxy - we don't know why or how, but i'm sure we'll find out. Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo - but that was boring and pointless - is returning (from what, where?) to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC (oh, you mean stormtroopers) to assist the overwhelmed Jedi (overwhelmed by what, who?)... Pan UP to the planet Coruscant. AUDIANCE What's going on? It's supposed to be a Pan DOWN!! GEORGE LUCAS This is my way of saying: Things are going to be different this time. AUDIANCE Oh dear... EXT. SPACE, CORUSCANT A stealth bomber flies towards Coruscant and flies through the fog and stuff. INT. STEALTH BOMBER Some guy talks to some girl. MISTER EXPOSITION We're approaching Coruscant, SENATOR AMIDALA. Yes, you are supposed to be SENATOR, no longer queen, AMIDALA!!! SOME GIRL Ok, thank you Mister Exposition. I already thought that planet looked familiar. EXT. CORUSCANT, LANDING PLATFORM (FAKE FOG) - DAWN The stealth bomber lands. Naboo fighters land. A guy gets out of one and takes off his helmet. He's a Kiwi with an eyepatch. A girl about the size and shape of Natalie Portman gets out the other fighter, together with R2-D2. She keeps her helmet on. We wonder who this can be... EYEPATCH KIWI We made it, there was no danger at all. Unless somebody planted a bomb on the landing platform, but i'm sure local security checked it out. Suddenly, the stealth bomber blows up in an explosion, and another explosion, and another explosion, untill....another explosion blows it up real good. EYEPATCH KIWI (CONT'D) Oh crap! Natalie Portman's character reveals herself. The other girl was just a decoy. PADME Oh no! My more attractive decoy has been hit!!! SOME GIRL I'm sorry, i have failed you. PADME No you haven't. This is your job! Now die bitch!!! SOME GIRL Aaarch! EYEPATCH KIWI Former queen and now Senator Amidala, we've got to get out of here and get the movie going!! PADME I should not have come back. I should have quit my job. AUDIANCE Damn right!! INT. CORUSCANT, CHANCELLOR'S OFFICE - DAY Chancellor Palpatine sits in the Emperor's chair with Imperial Royal Guards guarding the door. We wonder if he will one day be the Emperor.... Some Jedi are also present, including a digital being who looks a bit like Yoda, only more pixelated. Samuel L. Jackson is also present. PALPATINE I don't know how much longer i can hold off the vote, my arch enem...i mean my friends. SAM JACKSON Vote? Hold off? What are you talking about? PALPATINE Oh, that was in a cutscene. I will not let this Republic, that has stood for a thousand years, be split in two!! SAM JACKSON A thousand years? In A New Hope, Obi-Wan talked about a thousand GENERATIONS!! PALPATINE Whatever. Will it come to war? The fans want those clone wars. YODA'S CG BROTHER Clone wars! Interesting name for a war. Remember this, i must. Hmmmm, clouded everything, the Dark Side has. The future I can see not. A mystery, this is. SAM JACKSON You mean the future is always in motion? YODA'S CG BROTHER No, no. Limiting our powers, the Dark Side is this time. Very convenient this is. SAM JACKSON You mean like Kryptonite with Superman?! That's weak! In The Empire Strikes Back, you said the future was difficult to see, because it's always in motion! That was cool, because it implied we all decide our own fate! It was deep!! YODA'S CG BROTHER Deep, for the Matrix that is. There is no spoon and stuff like that. Computer graphics, is what we are all about. A hologram of an alien appears. HOLO ALIEN (something in Huttees) PALPATINE Why do you talk in an alien language? Talk 'standard' in the government center of the Republic!! Padmé and some other people walk in. Jar Jar is with them and so is Jimmy Smits! YODA'S CG BROTHER Seeing you again brings warm feelings to my loins...uhm hearth, young senator, no longer queen. PADME I'm not even going to say 'Thank You, master Yoda', because you suck! That's right, you suck! You sit here all morphing and digital, you talk stupid throughout the movie, you don't say anything sensible, your fight at the end is bloody ridiculous and you're not even wearing any shoes!! Now who is trying to kill me? SAM JACKSON We think some Spice Girls were behind it. PADME I think Count Dooku was behind it. He is mentioned in the opening scroll as the leader of the seperatists and he's mysterious so i guess he's the bad guy. SAM JACKSON No way, he was once a Jedi. PADME A FORMER Jedi! Now i'm sure he's the bad guy!! I bet he's turned to the dark side. YODA'S CG BROTHER Difficult to see, the dark side... PADME Shut up!!!! SAM JACKSON But in the Senate scene you said you suspected somebody in the senate was behind the attack! PADME That scene was cut, so that doesn't count. PALPATINE Let's put your old friend Obi-Wan and his emotional wreck of an apprentice in charge of your protection. SAM JACKSON That is possible. They have just returned from an adventure in a spin-off novel. PALPATINE Padmé, you must remember Obi-Wan from ten years ago. PADME Uhm, Obi....Wan. No...not really. Oh wait, was he that guy who stood in the background behind that tall guy all the time? We hardly exchanged two words! INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, ELEVATOR - DAY Obi-Wan and Anakin are in an elevator. OBI-WAN You're nervous. ANAKIN Well, i have to follow in Jake Lloyd's footsteps!! How can i ever top his performance?! OBI-WAN Remember when you fell into that nest of Gundarks, my good friend? ANAKIN No. What's a Gundark anyway? They were also mentioned in TESB. OBI-WAN Yes, that was the point. It's a link with the Original Trilogy. You see, this is really a Star Wars movie! ANAKIN Hey, you fell into that nest! And who are you calling friend? I hate you!! They arrive at Padmé's appartment. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, PADME'S APARTMENT - DAY Obi and Ani are greeted by JAR JAR BINKS. BOTH JEDI Not a word, you miserably waste of processing time!!!!!!!! They meet Padmé. ANAKIN At last, we meet again. Now, the circle is complete. OBI-WAN Shut up, my young padawan learner apprentice flunky. You suck and i'm your boss!! PADME Whatever. Wow Ani, you're so big and yummy. At least now it won't be so creepy like with little Jake! ANAKIN I want to bone you. PADME Ok, i was wrong. EXT. CORUSCANT, LEDGE OF A BUILDING - NIGHT Some guy who looks like BOBA FETT gives some Australian girl some worms. ANOTHER FETT Here, put these worms in a droid and send the droid to kill that bitch. AUSTRALIAN GIRL Can't you do that yourself, you lazy bastard?! ANOTHER FETT No. You'll make a fine action figure and comic book character. Together we will have many adventures. AUSTRALIAN GIRL Oh yeah, i already saw those comics. They were in stores months ago! I'm gonna be bigger than Aura Sing!! ANOTHER FETT Who? AUSTRALIAN GIRL Exactly!! INT. PADME'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Padmé is asleep with R2-D2 asleep nearby. A floating droid opens the window and unleashes the wormlike things. They approach Padmé. This looks a lot like a scene from one of the comic books. ANAKIN (V.O.) She covered the camera! OBI-WAN (V.O.) Ok, back to those Live WebCamGirl websites. It was worth a try. At least we still have those topless pics of her we downloaded from the internet! ANAKIN I have been dreaming about my mother, but who cares. OBI-WAN I don't know what they mean, but it's probably nothing. You only left your mother behind in slavery ten years ago; It's established that Jedi can more or less look into the future; you are the Chosen One with special powers and now you are having scary dreams about your mom. Nah, it's nothing. It will pass. ANAKIN I'd rather have wet dreams about Padmé! I've been thinking about her every day for the last ten years! Stuff my mom! No, stuff Padmé hahahahaha!!! OBI-WAN Your thoughts betray you...and your words. You simply can't do it with real girls, just like millions of fanboys! And don't trust politicians, they suck. ANAKIN I trust Palpatine. He's not bad at all. OBI-WAN Oh dear...wait, we sense something!!! Anakin and Obi-Wan burst into Padmé's room. Anakin wacks the worms in half and somehow miraculously misses Padmé's face. Obi-Wan somehow flies straight through the blinds without getting stuck and crashes through the window and hangs on to the floating droid. ANAKIN I don't care what universe you're from, that's gotta hurt! EXT. CORUSCANT SKYLINE - NIGHT The droid flies through traffic with Obi hanging on. The Aussie girl shoots the droid, Obi falls and Anakin catches him in a piss-yellow open speeder. OBI-WAN What took you so long? ANAKIN I had to get a speeder that looked stupid. I'm just as good with a lightsaber as Yoda's CG brother!! OBI-WAN Yoda's CG brother fights with a lightsaber?! Wow, that must look ridiculous, my very young apprentice learner padawan bitch!!! They pass flying cars left and right, like in The Fifth Element - GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! OBI-WAN Actually, the whole Coruscant concept is taken from Alexandro Jodorowsky's and Moebius' "The Incal" - which was later used by the Fifth Element - right down to the "lava look" hundreds of levels below. GEORGE LUCAS Even deeper homage! Homage! AUDIANCE <> - only these flying cars are driven by cartoon characters... The Australian girl shoots at them with a gun that has the sound of a TIE-Fighter cannon. The speeders fly around flame-spewing towers, taken from the movie Blade Runner. GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! They go through some purple lightning. OBI-WAN (CONT'D) How many times have i told you to watch out for those power couplings! ANAKIN Never! This is the first time i've done that! They lose the australian girl, but Anakin spots her and jumps like 50 stories down and drops right on top of her speeder using his superman-powers. OBI-WAN I hate it when he does that! ANAKIN I've never done that befooooooore!!!! They crash in a street and the girl runs inside a nightclub. OBI-WAN Wait! She went in there to hide, not to run! ANAKIN Are you sure?! If i was running away from two Jedi i would run straight out the back door!! OBI-WAN Here is your lightsaber, you lost it. Never lose your lightsaber, you should always keep it with you!! It is your LIFE!!!! ANAKIN But what about the scene in TESB, where Yoda basically says you don't need weapons to confront the Dark Side? That was deep! OBI-WAN Whatever. That was totally different. Why do i think you're going to be the death of me? ANAKIN Because you have already seen the Original Trilogy, just like everybody else? They go inside. There are lots of pretty girls including one in a tong! Yummy! Also, George Lucas' daughter is dressed and made up as an alien whore... Droid soccer is shown on monitors. Obviously identical droids playing sports really makes you root for individual players... ANAKIN (CONT'D) I think he is a she, and she's a changeling, you know: a shapeshifter from Star Trek. OBI-WAN In that case, be extra careful. Hmm, it's too bad about the changeling part. Without it, the 'extra careful' line would have been funny. Obi-Wan gets a drink while Anakin checks out the hookers. A drugdealer - Mouse from the Matrix with silly fake things on his head - approaches Obi. MOUSE Want some deadsticks? OBI-WAN Go away and rethink your life. This is supposed to be a mindtrick. GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! MOUSE That's lame. It serves no purpose! It's just something recycled from the Original Trilogy and turned into a pointless gag! I'm leaving! The Australian Star Trek girl is about to shoot Obi in the back, but he swings around and cuts off her arm with his lightsaber! GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! AUSTRALIAN GIRL Aaarch! So this entire set was just here to show a recycled mindtrick turned into a pointless gag and to pointlessly recycle the chopping off of an arm in a bar!!! It's all part of George Lucas' plan to recycle stuff from the Original Trilogy in a weak attempt to lure back the fans who were pissed off because of The Phantom Menace! How stupid does he think we are?! GEORGE LUCAS It's working!! It's working!!! They drag the sheila outside. ANAKIN Who hired you? AUSTRALIAN GIRL The casting director. It's just a jobaaarch!!! She is hit by some kind of dart. A figure who looks like Boba Fett flies away. ANAKIN Look! It's Boba Fett!! OBI-WAN No. It could be someone totally different. ANAKIN Oh, come on! It's Boba Fett!! Everybody knows what he looks like. He looks cool! The girl dies and shapeshifts into an alien. ANAKIN (CONT'D) Master, what was the point of this shapeshifting stuff? She didn't use this very useful ability to disguise herself in an attempt to escape us. It's just a tired cliché! OBI-WAN Perhaps.... Or it was a clever example of the recurring theme of dual identities and to point out that things are not always as they seem, something we will find out in these movies. GEORGE LUCAS Nah, it just looked cool... No wait!!!! You're right! It's SYMBOLIC. It goes all the way back to the ancient mythological stories of... AUDIANCE Oh, shut up!! INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER -DAY Obi-Wan and Anakin stand in front of the Jedi Council. YODA'S CG BROTHER A mystery, this is. SAM JACKSON Anakin, take Padmé away from here, were she would be surrounded by many highly trained Jedi Knights. Take her to her homeworld where everyone knows her, visit people she knows and use public transportation. That way, nobody will suspect where she is. ANAKIN Whatever....It will be difficult to convince her to leave. SAM JACKSON Go to Palpatine, so he can seduce you to the Dark Side. You are dismissed. INT. CHANCELLOR'S OFFICE - DAY Anakin and Palpatine are in Palpy's office. PALPATINE Your patience has paid off. ANAKIN I thought i was impatient! Besides, it was more your guidance. PALPATINE When did i ever guide you? Why should i, the president of the Galaxy, guide a Jedi apprentice?! ANAKIN It happened in between episodes. PALPATINE Whatever. You don't need guidance. Trust your instincts and join the Dark Side. ANAKIN I wonder who this Darth Sidious is... INT. JEDI TEMPLE, FAKE BACKGROUND - DAY Obi-Wan, Yoda's CG brother and Sam Jackson are walking in front of a fake background. OBI-WAN I am concerned for my padawan. YODA'S CG BROTHER Confident, we are. Very good, he is. Did the right thing, we have, by letting you train him, even if only barely finished your training yourself, you had at the time. OBI-WAN So it won't be my fault if he turns to the Dark Side! Phew! Looking at the Original Trilogy, i thought i was to blame! SAM JACKSON Remember the prophecy. Anakin can bring balance to the Force. OBI-WAN What does that crap mean anyway? YODA'S CG BROTHER A mystery, this is. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, PADME'S APARTMENT - DAY Padmé and her handmaiden Dormé are packing suitcases. Jar Jar is there. Anakin looks on. PADME You must take my place in the senate, Jar Jar. I know i can count on you. JAR JAR Wassa? Are youssa stupid?! Mesa an idiot!! PADME (gushing) That's the point. You are a symbolic representation of naive, stupid politicians. But don't worry, in the previous episode you completed a hero's journey, going from a bumbling idiot to a wise hero who brought two populations together. I'm sure you will continue on this noble path. JAR JAR Mesa never did anysing like thata!!! Have youssa watched da movie or what??!! PADME Shut up and go away. You suck. Jar Jar leaves. Thank goodness. ANAKIN What the hell is Jar Jar doing in this movie anyway? Shouldn't he have been left in some swamp? PADME Do not underestimate his powers. His tongue is very powerful! ANAKIN I don't get it. PADME (giggling) As long as i get it, i'm keeping Jar Jar close! Ok, sorry about that ;) ANAKIN Obi-Wan sucks. He.does.not.let.me.move.on. PADME That.must.suck. This.acting.is.difficult. ANAKIN Can't.we.have.some.cg-crap? GEORGE LUCAS Patience. Just wait untill you see the last 45 minutes! You're doing great! PADME Don't look at me like that. It's creepy. GEORGE LUCAS Sorry. Later i will have you wear a sexy outfit i designed myself! Harharhar! And i will show your nipples piercing through another outfit, and i will have an animal tear off a piece of that outfit, and i will chain you up to a pole, and i will have you jump down crotch first on some other animal! Harharhar! PADME You have issues. EXT. SPACE DOCKS - DAY Padmé, Anakin and R2-D2 are about to leave. DORME At last, i have a few lines. They leave. INT. AMERICAN GRAFFITY, 50'S DINER - DAY Obi-Wan visits his old CG friend Dex in a galaxy not so far from here. AUDIANCE What the...! GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! OBI-WAN I need to know where this dart came from. The droids in the temple didn't recognise it and i didn't bother to ask some experienced Jedi Masters. DEX Droids focus on symbols. It's a Kamino Saberdart. I recognise these cuts on the side, they're like symbols. Do you want some Jawa juice? OBI-WAN Ew, that's disgusting! A cg alien recycled from the previous movie gets up from it's seat and walk towards Obi-Wan's table. OBI-WAN (CONT'D) Yes, can i help you? The cg character simply walks on, taking up half the screen. OBI-WAN (CONT'D) Hello?! GEORGE LUCAS Never mind him! It's just a cool looking CG alien! Carry on! INT. JEDI TEMPLE, ARCHIVES - DAY Obi-Wan studies a bust of Christopher Lee. Some old bitch walks towards him. OLD BITCH You need help? (cut scene) You need help? OBI-WAN Yes, there is a planet missing. OLD BITCH If it's not on the map, it doesn't exist. OBI-WAN Thanks! You've been very helpful! NOT!! Now i could check out another starmap, because there must be loads of those on this planet, which is the center of an intergalactic space-faring society made up of tens of thousands of worlds. But i think i'll just ask some children instead. INT. SPACESHIP Anakin and Padmé are in the spaceship on route to Spain. R2-D2, and astromech droid - a starship mechanic - is serving food... PADME It must suck to be a Jedi. Traveling all over the galaxy, swinging a lightsaber, kicking ass, levitating stuff... ANAKIN And not being able to be with the people you love. PADME Are you allowed to do 'bumpy'? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi. ANAKIN No, it's just that most Jedi are dorks who bitch about movies on internet message boards, so they don't get to do much 'bumpy'. PADME You've changed so much. ANAKIN You still look 14 years old, just like in my wet dreams. PADME Ugh. INT. JEDI TEMPLE, MAIN HALLWAY - DAY Obi-Wan walks through the Jedi Temple, where Jedi of all types go around their business. One of them is Howard the Duck. AUDIANCE WTF! GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! INT. JEDI TEMPLE, ANOTHER SET - DAY Yoda's CG brother is teaching some children how to use a lightsaber. OBI-WAN That looks lame. These kids stand so close together that they can easily hit each other! And why are they wearing blast-helmets? In A New Hope, i simply picked a helmet that was available on board the ship! And their saber techniques are a joke. Couldn't you get some young Shaolin Kung Fu students for this scene? YODA'S CG BROTHER Shut up. Lost a planet, you have. A mystery, this is. I will be funny. An Original Trilogy moment, for only a second. Win back the old fans, we must. GEORGE LUCAS It's working! It's working! Obi-Wan activates a lame holomap. OBI-WAN Gravity is pulling the stars to this point, but the planet is not there. I don't get it. CHILD What, are you stupid?! Somebody erased the planet! It's OBVIOUS!! OBI-WAN That's not possible. Only a Jedi can erase stuff from the files. CHILD Wasn't there a former Jedi who has become the leader of separatists? Hello!!! YODA'S CG BROTHER A mystery, this is. An investigation, there will not be. Meditate on this, i will. CHILD Oh please!! Come on guys. Let's go watch Harry Potter! CHILDREN Yippeeeeee!!!!! EXT. SPAIN, PALACE - DAY Anakin and Padmé and Artoo have arrived in Spain and are walking towards the palace. ANAKIN The Republic needs you. You're cool. Hé, R2-D2 can walk stairs! PADME I could say a lot about my past and how i got into politics - Suddenly, they have magically transported 300 meters. PADME (CONT'D) - but i'll save that for the cutscene section on the DVD. INT. PALACE, THRONE ROOM - DAY Queen Jamillia sits on her throne. Sio Bible and other extras are also present. Anakin and Padmé are there too. PADME Boy, i'm glad i'm no longer queen. You look like a frigging clown! QUEEN JAMILLIA I know! And this is supposed to be my big break! SIO Let's talk politics. What's the deal with these seperatists and this possible war and how does everything in this movie fit in? PADME Nobody knows, but it doesn't really matter. As soon as you see countless CG thingies fighting each other, you know war has broken out. GEORGE LUCAS Actually, it's much like how the Vietnam war started, with elements of the American Civil War thrown in. Also, the political scheming in this movie is somewhat like the political plot in the movie Spartacus... PADME What?! GEORGE LUCAS Never mind. Carry on! QUEEN JAMILLIA Were are you going now? PADME I was going to visit my Australian family - which would explain my American accent - and have my dad Bruce throw some Gungans on the barby, but that would suck too much even for this movie, so we'll save it for the DVD. We're going to Italy! INT. KAMINO (RAIN AND FAKE WAVES) - DAY Using his Jedi Starfighter with impractical hyperspace transport ring, Obi-Wan has arrived on Kamino. He is greeted by typical Sci-Fi aliens. SCI-FI ALIEN Tell your master Sifo-Dyas that the copy-and-paste cg army will be ready on time. OBI-WAN Who's Sifo-Dyas? SCI-FI ALIEN Is he not a Jedi master? OBI-WAN I don't know. Never heard of him, never seen him in the previous episode... SCI-FI ALIEN Whatever. Let's look at that army. Two hundred thousand units are ready, with a million on the way. OBI-WAN That's not so much when you consider the vastness of the galaxy. Nobody can take over the galaxy with such a small army, so it's not much of a threat. SCI-FI ALIEN Whatever. EXT. ITALY, SUMMERHOUSE - DAY The scenes with the Sci-fi aliens were way too cool, so now we quickly switch to some not so cool scenes. Anakin and Padmé have arrived in Italy. There is a lake nearby. PADME When i was a schoolgirl, we used to come here and swim in the nude, then we used to lie down in the sand and let the sun dry us. George Lucas has issues. ANAKIN Sand is rough, unlike your skin. He touches Padmé's bare back. PADME You're such a creep. They kiss. PADME (CONT'D) Oops, i should not have done that. It's just that creeps turn me on. Maybe i should walk away quickly now for extra effect...No, wait, i'll just stand here and do nothing. That works for me in every scene. INT. KAMINO, COPY-AND-PASTE CENTER - DAY The aliens show Obi-Wan clones and stuff. OBI-WAN Aaaaaarch!!! What the hell is going on?! That Pan from right to left was all blurry! It hurt my eyes!!! SCI-FI ALIEN That's the digital camera acting up. Don't worry, when you get the DVD, you'll be able to experience the movie the way it was meant to be. OBI-WAN We are meant to watch the movie on DVD? Not on the big screen? SCI-FI ALIEN It says so on the official Star Wars website. They show Obi-Wan copy-and-paste cg clonetroopers. OBI-WAN Cool, CG Stormtroopers. SCI-FI ALIEN The original host is Jango Fett. He wanted an unaltered clone as a reward. Interesting, huh? OBI-WAN Not really. Unless that has any significance to the story? SCI-FI ALIEN Uhm, no. It's just so we have an excuse to put a guy in the Boba Fett outfit. OBI-WAN I'm sorry, what did you say? I was distracted by that CG thing that flew across the screen. SCI-FI ALIEN Whatever. EXT. ITALY, GRASS AND STUFF - LATE AFTERNOON Padmé and Anakin are having a picknick in a field. PADME When i was twelve i had this thing with an older guy. ANAKIN What happened to him? PADME He got arrested. I had to do public service. (beat) You don't like politicians, do you? ANAKIN Democracy sucks. I want a dictatorship. PADME (laughing) You're making fun of me! ANAKIN Whatever. EXT. ITALY, SOUND OF MUSIC SETTING - LATE AFTERNOON Padmé does a pointless homage to The Sound Of Music. GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! Anakin rides a stupid CG animal. He falls and appears hurt, Padmé runs to him. They roll around in the grass - something they've obviously practiced several times before. GEORGE LUCAS Isn't this romantic? AUDIANCE Aaarch! Get on with it!! INT. KAMINO, FETT APARTMENT - DAY Obi-Wan and a CG sci-fi alien are visiting Jango Fett and his clone son Boba Fett. OBI-WAN Hey, little Boba Fett! Are you going to do something interesting in this movie? BOBA FETT No. JANGO FETT I'm just a simple man trying to make his way through the universe. OBI-WAN So what? JANGO FETT I was recruited by someone called Tyranus. OBI-WAN Hmmm. Sounds like the name of a Transformer. (thinks) Hmmm, transformers...destroyer droids are transformers; they're used by the Trade Federation; Padmé and the Trade Federation don't get along.....wait!!! Perhaps Jango is the assassin i'm looking for!!! Obi-Wan spots the familiar armor laying out in the open. OBI-WAN (CONT'D) Hmm, perhaps for once, i've figured something out myself! INT. ITALY, SUMMERHOUSE, DINING ROOM - EVENING Padmé and Anakin are having diner. ANAKIN I'm going to say something witty. PADME Hahahaha! Anakin uses the Force to levitate some fruit and he cuts it in mid-air. ANAKIN I'm not supposed to do this. PADME Does it make Obi-Wan grumpy? ANAKIN No, it just looks stupid. INT. ITALY, SUMMERHOUSE, FIREPLACE ALCOVE - NIGHT Padmé is sitting in a low-cut outfit that lifts up her tiny pleasure-bumpies. Anakin likes the view. GEORGE LUCAS I designed that outfit myself! Rrrrrmmmpf! PADME Sicko. ANAKIN Padmé, i'm supposed to make this totally ridiculous speech about my feelings for you. Lucas claims characters in the old serials of the 40's talked like this and this is supposed to be some sort of a homage to those serials. He claims you don't hear this kind of dialogue anymore. It's obvious why....it blows!!! PADME We can't do it, Anakin. ANAKIN Oh, come on!!!! Give me a break!!! I want to do it!!!!! We don't have to tell anyone! PADME Then we would be living a lie. Could you do that? ANAKIN Yes. PADME Whatever. We just can't do it. It says so in the script. EXT. KAMINO, LANDING PLATFORM - LATE DAY Obi-Wan is about to leave and contacts Yoda's CG brother via hologram. INT. JEDI TEMPLE, YODA'S CG BROTHER'S & SAM JACKSON'S QUARTERS - LATE AFTERNOON Yoda's CG brother and Sam Jackson are in their room (they might be gay). Obi-Wan's hologram comes through. OBI-WAN (V.O.) They've copy-and-pasted thousands of cg troopers and they're using a recycled character from the Original Trilogy to do it. I think he is the assassin. YODA'S CG BROTHER Do not assume anything, Obi-Wan. A mystery, this is. SAM JACKSON How is it possible that your back is visible in the hologram? You're facing that droid with your front. How can he make a hologram of your backside? YODA'S CG BROTHER A mystery, this is. SAM JACKSON I think we should inform the senate that the Kryptonite...i mean the Dark Side, is limiting our powers. Wait a second! It was never established that we could see everything everywere! YODA'S CG BROTHER A mystery, this is. INT. ITALY, SUMMER HOUSE, ANAKIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Anakin is naked in bed, tossing (and turning). ANAKIN No, mom, no, don't! EXT. ITALY, SUMMER HOUSE, BALCONY - MORNING Padmé, in her nightgown, finds Anakin on the balcony. PADME You had another masturbating session last night. You sick bastard, you were fantasizing about your mother! ANAKIN Jedi don't masturbate, they levitate. PADME I guess it was another nightmare then. ANAKIN What do you mean, 'another nightmare'? This was the first one i had in the movie! PADME Oh yeah, the first one was cut. ANAKIN I have to go to Tatooine and find my mom. These nightmares i've not been having during this movie are getting worse. PADME Ok, i'll come with you. I'd love to visit that boring desert planet again. It has not been shown enough in other Star Wars movies. EXT. KAMINO, LANDING PLATFORM (A CUTSCENE LATER) - LATE DAY Obi-Wan and Jango Fett fight while Boba Fett watches. JANGO FETT I'm winning, because you forgot how to use the Force! You're not even Force-pulling the blasters out of my hands or Force-pushing me away!! Obi-Wan falls, but lands on a service platform. OBI-WAN Must.use.the.Force!!! He uses the Force to open a door!! Jango walks into his ship and bumbs his head in the doorway - just like a stormtrooper bumped his head in a doorway in A New Hope!! GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! AUDIANCE Boy, you just know the franchise is past it's expiration date when they start paying homage to bloopers! Jango and Boba get away in a ship recycled from the Original Trilogy, but Obi-Wan manages to attach a tracking device to the hull of the craft. EXT. TATOOINE, WATTO'S SHOP - DAY Anakin, Padmé and Artoo (he's back!) arrive at Watto's shop. ANAKIN Before i left this place i had a dream that i would one day be a Jedi and free the slaves, and i promised my mom i would come back and free her. PADME Yes, because nobody else ever bothered. Not even as a way to thank you for what you did for us in the previous episode. I'm sure you get your chance now to free your mother from slavery, as was suggested. WATTO Your mother was sold and freed and she got married to this Lars guy who lives in the homestead from the Original Trilogy. ANAKIN Well, that saves some screentime. EXT. SPACE, GEONOSIS RINGS In their ship, the Slave-1, Jango and Boba notice that they are being followed by Obi-Wan. They go into an asteroid field and an asteroid chase follows. OBI-WAN Ha! An asteroid chase! Just like in The Empire Strikes Back! GEORGE LUCAS No, no! This one is totally different! You see, in TESB, the asteroid field played a mayor part in the narrative. It not only allowed for a more exciting chase, it also provided the characters with an environment to hide in and expand their characters and their relationships with each other. The asteroid chase in this movie is just there for cheap thrills. Finally, Jango thinks he has destroyed Obi-Wan's ship - BOBA FETT Yippeee!!! - but Obi-Wan is hiding on the backside of an asteroid. OBI-WAN Ha! Just like Han Solo hid on the backside of a Star Destroyer in The Empire Strikes Back! GEORGE LUCAS No, no! This is totally different! Obi-Wan follows the ship to the planet. EXT. GEONOSIS, LANDING AREA - NIGHT Obi-Wan flies his starfighter straight over an area where a bunch of ships are parked. INT. STARFIGHTER, COCKPIT - NIGHT Obi-Wan observes the ships. OBI-WAN Boy, i sure hope those Geonosians don't look up or else they'll see us! And they better not have radar either! EXT. GEONOSIS, ROCKS AND STUFF - NIGHT. Obi-Wan lands and sets out on foot. Geonosis looks like Tatooine... EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY Anakin and Padmé have arrived at the homestead from A New Hope (that's the first Star Wars movie). They meet C-3PO. C-3PO Master Anakin, my creator! And miss Padmé! How good to see you again. Isn't it amazing that i'm here at the homestead and two episodes later i have no recollection of this place and Owen doesn't recognize me? ANAKIN No, it makes perfect sense. You see, in the next episode your memory will be whiped, so you don't remember a thing. And Owen didn't recognize you because you look different in that movie and you never mentioned your name to him. AUDIANCE Oh, yeah... Anakin meets his half-brother Owen Lars. OWEN Hi, i guess i'm your halfbrother. ANAKIN I thought you were Obi-Wan's brother? OWEN No, that was just in the novelisation of Return of the Jedi. That doesn't count. AUDIANCE Oh, yeah... Beru, Owen's girlfriend is there too. BERU Hello. PADME Hi, i'm Padmé. Was that your only line...your only WORD in this movie? BERU ... PADME Ah, i see. ANAKIN I'm looking for my mother. CLIEGG Too late, she's been kidnapped by Tusken Raiders. ANAKIN Why? CLIEGG I don't know. ANAKIN I'm going to find her. CLIEGG Give it up, she's been gone for a month. She must be dead. (beat) If i hadn't lost a leg i would search for her myself. ANAKIN But you just said to give it up. CLIEGG Whatever. They came at dawn, out of nowhere... ANAKIN Isn't that line from Apocalypse Now? GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Hom... ANAKIN Shut up!! He notices Padmé taking her coat off and revealing her bare shoulders. CLIEGG (CONT'D) Rrrrrrrr, baby!!!! Anakin takes a bike and goes looking for his mom. EXT. TATOOINE, FAKE LANDSCAPES - TWILIGHT Anakin races his speeder on a soundstage against a weak windmachine in front of a fake background. EXT. GEONOSIS, MORE ROCKS AND STUFF - MORNING To confuse the audiance, we switch to that other Tatooine, known as Geonosis. Obi-Wan looks at some stuff through his binoculars. He sees ships and buildings and stuff. INT. GEONOSIS, EMPTY CITY - MORNING He gets inside one of the buildings, where there is nobody around. He looks through an opening down into a vast area - like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - GEORGE LUCAS Homa... AUDIANCE Get on with it!! - and spots a life size action figure factory! Obi-Wan continues, untill he hears voices and Christopher Lee and some cartoon characters walk by. CHRIS LEE Now we must convince these organisations we have never heard off before to join our cause. Then nothing in the universe will be able to stop us! EPISODE 1 ALIEN (fake Japanese accent) Wasn't that a Darth Vader line? I want Padmé dead! I could have had her killed at any time during the last 10 years, but i waited for this episode! That's long enough. CHRIS LEE I'm a man of my word. Too bad i hired the second worst assassin in the galaxy, who hired the worst assassin in the galaxy to do the job. Jango simply gave up and went home once the story had been set in motion! They go into a conference room where more cartoon characters await them. It's somewhat similar to a scene in the Godfather. GEORGE LUCAS Ho... AUDIANCE Don't even try it!!! CHRIS LEE (CONT'D) When we combine our cartoon armies, nothing in the universe will be able to stop us! CARTOON ALIEN Why should we do that? CHRIS LEE Who cares? CARTOON ALIEN Ok. My organisation, that nobody has ever heard of, will join you. The others follow. Obi-Wan has heard enough. EXT. TATOOINE, TUSKEN CAMP - NIGHT Anakin finally finds a Tusken Raider camp in a homage to the classic western The Searchers. The camp is located in an oasis. Anakin approaches one of the huts and cuts it open, just like in the Searchers. GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! Homage! Homage! Homage! Homage! AUDIANCE Huh, The Searchers? Haven't seen it. INT. TATOOINE, TUSKEN HUT - NIGHT Anakin creeps inside a hut where he finds his mother beaten up and barely alive. ANAKIN Mom, what are you doing here? SHMI Providing your character with a reason to go psycho. That's it, nothing more. ANAKIN No, i mean, why did the Tuskens kidnap you and keep you here? SHMI I don't know, let's ask them. No wait, i....i.....have earned...my....paycheck....aaaarchh. She dies. Anakin goes Dark Side. AUDIANCE It was about time! Anakin goes outside and finds some Tuskens guarding the hut. ANAKIN Why did you kidnap my mom? Where, on a desert planet, did you find the wood beam you tied her up to? How come there is an oasis here, but moisture farmers have to use vaporators to get water from the atmosphere? TUSKENS It's in the script. ANAKIN I see. Now you shall die! Anakin decapitates two Tuskens, while a child watches. Their heads roll with a comical sound. CG dogs run towards him. AUDIANCE At last, violence!! GEORGE LUCAS Ok, that's enough. I'm going for a PG rating and i need screentime to show slapstick stuff with a digital C-3PO. AUDIANCE No, Lucas, no! Don't, Noooooo!!!!! INT. JEDI TEMPLE, YODA'S CG BROTHER'S & SAM JACKSON'S QUARTERS - TWILIGHT Yoda's CG brother is meditating when he hears the cries from the audiance. YODA'S CG BROTHER Hmm, a voice from beyond...How possible, this is? Important, this must be. A mystery, this is. Sam comes out of the closet. SAM JACKSON What's up? YODA'S CG BROTHER In pain, Skywalker is. A mystery, this is. SAM JACKSON And? YODA'S CG BROTHER And nothing. SAM JACKSON Whatever. EXT. GEONOSIS, OBI'S FIGHTER - DAY Obi-Wan tries to contact his bosses, but Coruscant is too far away. He tries to contact Anakin, but he's not on Naboo, in Spain or Italy!! Anakin is on Tatooine! OBI-WAN Why is he on Tatooine? Tatooine, the planet where we found him, where we left his mother behind in slavery, the mother he's been having bad dreams about lately... Why oh why did Anakin go to Tatooine?!! Obi-Wan starts transmitting. OBI-WAN Obi-Wan calling Ork...uhm...Anakin. Come in, Anakin... INT. TATOOINE, PADME'S SHIP R2-D2 receives the message, but decides to keep it to himself untill the following few scenes are done. EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY Anakin returns with his mother's body. INT. TATOOINE, GARAGE - DAY A cutscene later. Anakin is in the garage, Padmé brings him some blue milk. ANAKIN This sucks. Obi-Wan sucks. I suck. Some day i'll be the most powerful Jedi ever. Even if i have to join the Dark Side to get there! PADME Hmm, that was subtle... What's wrong Ani? ANAKIN What do you think 'What's wrong'? I come here looking for my mother and find her beaten to a pulp by a bunch of aliens, then she dies in my arms! What do you think is wrong?!! PADME No, i mean, there is something more wrong, isn't there? It's in the script. ANAKIN I shouldn't be telling you this. It makes no sense telling you this. You'll think i'm a psycho. You'll run away screaming and call the cops, but....I killed them all, the men, women and children. I hate them! They're animals! I killed them all untill they were all dead!!! PADME Ok, whatever. ANAKIN Wow, you took that well. Perhaps i should now say that i know that what i did was wrong. That, as a Jedi, i know better....but i'll save it for the DVD version. PADME So the DVD version is different than the theatrical version? How many versions of this movie are there going to be? GEORGE LUCAS Let's see...the normal theatrical version, the digital theatrical version, the DVD version...that's three - untill the improved re-releases of course! EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD, GRAVESITE - DAY They've burried Shmi. Two more headstones stand besides Shmi's headstone - which they must have had in storage or something... PADME Who are in these other graves? CLIEGG Maybe we'll find out in the next episode. One of them could be my first wife, the other is probably some huge revelation that will push Anakin over the edge. PADME Whatever. R2-D2 has decided that this crap has lasted long enough and tells them about Obi-Wan's message. INT. TATOOINE, PADME'S SHIP They see the message. Padmé pushes a single magic button to retransmit it to Coruscant. INT. CORUSCANT, PALPATINE'S OFFICE - DAY Fortunately, everybody important happens to be in Palpatine's office when the holo-message comes through. OBI-WAN (V.O.) Christopher Lee and silly aliens have joined forces. The Trade Federation was behind the attack on Padmé. PALPATINE Oh no. I had hoped we had seen the last of that stupid Trade Federation nonsense in Episode 1! OBI-WAN (V.O.) Wait! Obi-Wan is attacked. INT. TATOOINE, PADME'S SHIP. In the hologram a transformer appears, just in the right place to more or less cover the sight of one of Padmé's nipples - that pierce through her outfit. PADME Forgot to wear a bra. AUDIANCE Yeah, baby, yeah!! SAM JACKSON (V.O.) Stay there. We will handle Count Dracula, i mean Chris Lee. PADME I'm going to save him! Padmé pushes the same single magic button again. PADME (CONT'D) Look, Geonosis is only a parsec away! ANAKIN What's a parsec anyway? That was also mentioned in ANH. PADME You see, this is a Star Wars movie! C-3PO enters the cockpit and they take off. EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY Owen, Beru and Cliegg see the ship suddenly take off. OWEN Hé, they're leaving without even saying goodbye!! By the way, has anyone seen C-3PO? CLIEGG They took C-3PO!! Stop! Thieves!!! INT. CORUSCANT, PALPATINE'S OFFICE - DAY In the office, the movie continues. PALPATINE'S FLUNKY We need that cg copy-and-paste army now and we need to make Palpatine a dictator! JIMMY SMITS What am i doing here? Nobody has even mentioned my character's name! PALPATINE'S FLUNKY What complete idiot can convince the senate to give Palpatine the power to take over the galaxy? Jar Jar thinks, but thank goodness his lines are cut. INT. GEONOSIS, PRISON CELL - DAY Obi-Wan has been captured off screen and hangs in a blue special effect. Chris Lee comes in. CHRIS LEE Whoops, sorry guys. Forgot to put on my beard! GEORGE LUCAS No, no. This is the Star Wars set, not the Lord of the Rings set! CHRIS LEE Oh, yes. Lord of the Rings has real sets instead of just blue and green walls and floors! He turns to Obi-Wan. CHRIS LEE (CONT'D) Qui-Gon Jinn, the tall guy from the previous episode, was once my apprentice, just like you were once his apprentice. OBI-WAN So what? CHRIS LEE Nothing, but isn't it cool that we are all connected? OBI-WAN No. CHRIS LEE Whatever. Time for some exposition: The senate is under the control of the Sith. Those fake looking Federation aliens were working with this Sith Lord named Darth Sidious. The Jedi Council would not believe them. OBI-WAN So let me get this straight. In Episode 1, we discovered that this guy with the tattoos was a Sith Lord, who was obviously working with the Trade Federation. We also somehow knew there are always two Sith lords.... So then these Federation aliens tell us everything, and we don't believe them??!!! That's stupid! By the way, i wonder who the second Sith Lord is now. Since there are always two and one of them i killed ten years ago...around the time you left the Jedi order.... CHRIS LEE Join me, Obi-Wan, and together we can destroy the Sith!! OBI-WAN Ok, that may be a good idea! I'll join you! CHRIS LEE Uhm, no. You're supposed to say no. I was just trying to sound cool and dramatic. You see, i'm the bad guy and i want to kill you all. OBI-WAN Oh, ok. (beat) I will never join you, Christopher Lee. CHRIS LEE Whatever. EXT. GEONOSIS, STEAM AND STUFF - DAY Anakin, Padmé and the droids arrive on Geonosis unseen. They fly into some hole with steam in it and land on a platform that just happens to be there. They get out and open a CG door that goes through Anakin's head - just like Darth Vader walked with his head through a shuttle in Return of the Jedi. GEORGE LUCAS Blooper! Blooper! No wait!!! Homage! Homage! INT. GEONOSIS, CG CORRIDOR - DAY Anakin and Padmé are walking through a corridor. Behind them the walls start to pulsate. CG cartoon aliens detach themselves from the wall, like the Clay People from an old Flash Gordon episode. GEORGE LUCAS Homag...oh whatever. Carry on! The aliens walk behind them, making silly noises that even a deaf person could hear. Anakin and Padmé don't notice anything untill the cartoon characters are right behind them! Anakin starts slashing them in half with his lightsaber. AUDIANCE Violence! Violence! INT. GEONOSIS, VIDEOGAME - DAY Anakin and Padmé arrive on a ledge overlooking a massive videogame taking place in the life-size action figure factory. The ledge starts retracting! PADME I have to use this CG rope to swing to safety, just like my children swing on a rope in A New Hope! GEORGE LUCAS No wait! I think i may be overdoing this homage thing. Let's just cut that. AUDIANCE Phew! A videogame follows. C-3PO and R2-D2 have followed their masters and are bickering like two old friends, even if they're only on their first adventure together. R2 has had enough of this crap and pushes C-3PO into the factory. C-3PO gets his head swapped. Now he has his head on the body of a battledroid and his body has the head of a battledroid. C-3PO I'm gay. GEORGE LUCAS Isn't this great? I'm so funny! AUDIANCE Nooooo!!!! Anakin does some fake jumps untill he gets his arm trapped in a machine. ANAKIN I'll just wait here untill the others have finished their scenes. R2-D2 can fly! PADME Hmm, that could change a lot of things in the Original Trilogy! GEORGE LUCAS Funny you should say that. In the Extra Special Edition... AUDIANCE Nooooo!!!!! Finally, it's game over and Anakin and Padmé are captured. INT. SENATE - DAY Yoda's CG brother and Sam Jackson watch the going ons in the senate. JAR JAR Mesa am stupid. Now maka da chansalar dictator. GEORGE LUCAS This is a symbolic representation of naive politicians... AUDIANCE Oh shut up! The other senators cheer. PALPATINE Cool. I will now be a dictator and we will use this army and start a war. Everybody in the senate loves this, which makes you wonder why the senate would ever not instantly agree with the creation of an army. SAM JACKSON It is done then. Palpatine now has complete control over the Galactic Republic, just like George Lucas has complete control over the Star Wars franchise and the making of his movies. YODA'S CG BROTHER Screwed, we are. SAM JACKSON I'll go kick some ass. It's about time. YODA'S CG BROTHER Go to the copy-and-paste sci-fi aliens, i will. Perhaps gone to them sooner in the movie, i should have. A mystery, this is. SAM JACKSON Whatever. INT. GEONOSIS, ALMOST IN THE ARENA - DAY Padmé and Anakin are in a cart, tied up. PADME What happened? Shouldn't i have at least met with these separatists, as a senator and a diplomat? Shouldn't there have been a trial before they execute us? ANAKIN Nah. Cutscenes are cool. PADME I've been dying a little bit each day since i agreed to be in these prequel movies. I love you. ANAKIN I don't get it. PADME I can't explain it, because it isn't in the script, but i love you, Anakin. ANAKIN No, i mean we are going to die and i didn't get any, and now you tell me you love me!!! That's a little late, bitch! They kiss. GEORGE LUCAS A tender moment. Time for some fun. The silly cartoon alien in the front of the cart makes a silly noise and whips the silly animal in front of him. EXT. ARENA - DAY They are taken into an arena filled with cartoon aliens. Obi-Wan is chained to a pole. Anakin and Padmé are also chained to poles. ANAKIN We decided to come and rescue you, but we got sucked into this videogame... Three big, fake animals enter the arena, in a homage to Ray Harryhousen's work in fantasy movies. GEORGE LUCAS Homa...no, let's just move on. From a VIP box, Chris Lee, Jango, Boba and the aliens look on. CHRIS LEE Three monsters? Is one not enough? Isn't this all a bit over the top? GEORGE LUCAS Look, i am the CREATOR, i am the master, i decide what i want in my movies! I now have the power, technology and money to do what i want. So if i want action sequence after action sequence, i'll do that. If i want three monsters instead of one, i'll do that. If i want to show off effect after effect, i'll do that! Got it?!! Geez!!!! ANAKIN I've got a bad feeling about this. OBI-WAN I've heard that line before... PADME I expect them to release us now, so we can try to fight the animals and provide entertainment for those cartoon aliens. But no, they remain chained up. ANAKIN Shouldn't we use the Force to open these handcuffs? OBI-WAN No, we'll let those monsters do it. That looks cooler. Padmé uses a pin to get free from one handcuff, but doesn't bother to open the other. She climbs on top of her phallus-like pole. The animals attack and free the Jedi. Anakin does a fake Jedi jump. A cat-like animal attacks Padmé - who is chained up on top of the phallic symbol - and ripps off a piece of her outfit, exposing her yummy tummy. GEORGE LUCAS Yeah, baby, yeah! PADME Sicko. Padmé does a fake jump and lands crotch-first behind Anakin on some alien bull without even flinching. ANAKIN Didn't that hurt?! PADME No, my high-tech intergalactic tampon absorbed the impact!! Obi-Wan jumps behind her. EXT. ARENA VIP BOX - DAY Sam Jackson appears not so suddenly in the box with Chris Lee. He's holding Jango at bay with a PURPLE lightsaber! Around the arena, Jedi Knights with (blue and green) lightsabers reveal themselves!! AUDIANCE Jedi with lightsabers! Cool! Surely this cannot suck! CHRIS LEE Why do you get to have a purple lightsaber? SAM JACKSON Because i'm Sam Jackson and i asked Lucas. The Jedi fight special effects in the form of cartoon droids and aliens. The aliens fire with ray-guns, like the ray-guns used in the old Flash Gordon serials. GEORGE LUCAS Homa.. AUDIANCE We know! We know! Many Jedi fight in the Ancient Style Of The Old Woman: like crap. PADME I think it's time for a funny line. ANAKIN Hahahaha! Wait, there is more!! Indeed, there is more funny stuff coming our way. Two C-3PO's enter the arena: One with his head on the body of a battledroid, the other with the battledroid head on his body. GEORGE LUCAS This fighting and dying and stuff is getting too serious. Time for some slapstick comedy! AUDIANCE No, Lucas, no!! Don't, nooooo!!!!! C-3PO I'm still gay. AUDIANCE This sucks! A CG Jedi master and council member - obviously a highly trained warrior - jumps into the VIP-box to attack Christopher Lee. Jango fires at the Jedi with his blaster and hits him - obviously the council member master had also studied the Style Of The Old Woman. The CG Jedi then miraculously lifts up in the air and falls over the ledge, which would have otherwise prevented him from falling down. AUDIANCE What the... GEORGE LUCAS And now for the cool part... Jango twirls his blaster and puts it back in the holster. AUDIANCE Oh yeah, that was cool. Jango decides his character has lived long enough and - instead of just shooting him from the VIP box - flies down into the arena to attack Sam Jackson. Obviously, Sam is cooler and he chops off Jango's head. OBI-WAN Hé, that's not fair! I should have finished off Jango! We were going at each other throughout the movie and now i'm not allowed to complete this story-arc! SAM JACKSON That's because i'm Sam Jackson and i'm cooler than you. INT. LONDON, RECORDING STUDIO - DAY In London, the brave John Williams leads his orchestra to new hights and fights relentlessly to protect the score and his honor. It is hopeless. Led by George Lucas himself a squad of SuperBattleCartoons bursts into the recording studio and blows the score to pieces. JOHN WILLIAMS I'm hit! Aaaaaaaaaaarch!!!!!!!!! EXT. ARENA - DAY This has gone on long enough. We still have many more effects to see. Now the few surviving Jedi are surrounded by hords of cartoons. ANAKIN We're losing this, they even blew up the score! GEORGE LUCAS No, no! We didn't score anything for these battle scenes, because they were still in an early stage of development when the score was done! ANAKIN So? How many years did you have to think about these battle scenes?! That's weak! OBI-WAN We've got to get out of here! SAM JACKSON But how? OBI-WAN We can be picked up by the transports that brought you here! SAM JACKSON What transports? OBI-WAN Then how did you get here? SAM JACKSON We beamed in. OBI-WAN What?!! More Star Trek stuff? SAM JACKSON No, just kidding. We got here because the script said so. GEORGE LUCAS About that Star Trek stuff - during the battle that follows... AUDIANCE Nooooo!!!! But wait! The Jedi are rescued by transports!!! PADME Look! Helicopters!! CG clonetroopers, led by Yoda's CG Brother, rescue the group. On the terrain outside the arena, huge Star Destroyer like ships land. 6-legged CG walkers, CG clonetroopers, and CG helicopters start fighting CG droids on a cG battleground around CG ships. INT. GEONOSIS, CG WARROOM - DAY Christopher Lee enters the warroom were cartoons observe the action on a holographic display. The holograms are big enough for the audiance to make out from a distance, so it's impossible for the characters to actually see a tactical display of the entire battlefield. CHRIS LEE How is this possible? Where did they get all that military hardware? The only thing we saw in this movie was were the clones came from! EPISODE 1 ALIEN (fake Japanese accent) Perhaps the script created them!! CHRIS LEE My master will not let them get away with this! EPISODE 1 ALIEN (fake Japanese accent) What, you have a master? Wait, you're not a Sith lord, are you?! They betrayed us in the previous episode! You said so yourself! Darth Sidious is not your master is he?! CHRIS LEE Whoops. CARTOON ALIEN Here are the plans for our secret ultimate weapon. We kept it here on display for everyone to see. AUDIANCE Hé, it's the Death Star! GEORGE LUCAS Homage! Homage! CARTOON ALIEN Cool, huh? CHRIS LEE Actually, no, it's not. You see, in the Original Trilogy the Death Star was the ultimate weapon of the tyranical Empire - the ultimate symbol of it's technological and military might and it's arrogance - as displayed in Tarkin's confidence that nothing could destroy it - only to have it then destroyed by a single person in a small fighter. It was individual and faith versus mass technology and oppression. Now it's just a weapon designed by silly aliens who are in it for a profit. Now it simply fell in the hands of the bad guy... All just to have a cameo from the Original Trilogy in an attempt to win back the old fans! GEORGE LUCAS It's working! It's working! EXT. GEONOSIS, BATTLEFIELD - DAY CG armies fight each other. In a helicopter, Anakin, Padmé and Obi-Wan look on. OBI-WAN Wow, check out all these cool shots of special effects fighting each other! ANAKIN Yes, but what's going on? EXT. GEONOSIS, CG COMMAND CENTER PLATFORM - DAY On a CG platform, against a CG background, a CG clonetrooper oversees the CG battle on a CG terminal. Yoda's CG Brother joins him. YODA'S CG BROTHER A mess, this is. Going on, what is? A mystery, this is. CG EXPOSITION TROOPER All forward positions are advancing. YODA'S CG BROTHER Ah, ok. Thank you, CG Exposition Trooper. Concentrate fire on the nearest Federation Starship. CG EXPOSITION TROOPER Good idea. That bitch Captain Janeway might be on board. EXT. GEONOSIS, BATTLEFIELD - DAY CG tanks open fire with their PHASERS on a FEDERATION STARSHIP. GEORGE LUCAS No, actually, this is a homage to old Godzilla movies, where they used similar tracked cannons with energy beams against a larger opponent! AUDIANCE Whatever. Lucas continues to play with his digital toys. GEORGE LUCAS Look! A quick digital zoom! Hold on! Shaky cam!! whoohoo!! In their helicopter, our heroes spot someone familiar. OBI-WAN Look, over there! It's Christopher Lee on a scooter! ANAKIN Damn, that looks stupid! PADME Looks a bit like The Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz! GEORGE LUCAS Homa... PADME Nooo!!! They follow Chris Lee, but two CG fighters start shooting at them. The helicopter is hit and Padmé and a copy-and-paste trooper fall out!! The helicopter flies on! ANAKIN (CONT'D) Turn around! We got to save her! The fighters continue to shoot at them, but miss horribly, and when they hit something, it hardly registers - unlike when Padmé fell out. OBI-WAN No, you must learn a lesson. What would she do? ANAKIN She would try to get out from under her contract. They fly on. On the ground, the copy-and-paste trooper approaches Padmé. PADME Aaaarch!!! All my bones are broken! I'm going to die!! COPY-AND-PASTE TROOPER Are you ok? Padmé jumps up. PADME Yeah, sure. COPY-AND-PASTE TROOPER That was ridiculous!! PADME Don't worry! It will get fixed in the DVD version, which will be treated as the only version that ever existed! GEORGE LUCAS Untill we make another improved version! PADME We've got to go to that hangar!! COPY-AND-PASTE TROOPER What hangar? PADME The hangar over there, the one we can't possibly see, behind those hills. Christopher Lee is going there! COPY-AND-PASTE TROOPER How do you know? PADME It's in the script. EXT. GEONOSIS, CG COMMAND CENTER PLATFORM - DAY Yoda's CG Brother continues to direct the battle. YODA'S CG BROTHER Many cool shots i see, of special effects fighting each other. How the battle is progressing, see that i can not. CG EXPOSITION TROOPER The droid army is at full retreat. YODA'S CG BROTHER See that, can we? CG EXPOSITION TROOPER No. YODA'S CG BROTHER Whatever. Bring me my ship. GEORGE LUCAS Hmm, perhaps in the improved edition, i should change that line into 'Alert my gunship to prepare for my arrival.' AUDIANCE Nooooo!!!! EXT. SECRET HANGAR TOWER - DAY Obi-Wan and Anakin have followed Christopher Lee to a tower. They get out, followed by copy-and-paste troopers. Just then, the persueing fighters blow up their helicopter, also killing all the troopers!! OBI-WAN Wow! That was convenient... INT. SECRET HANGAR TOWER - DAY Anakin and Obi-Wan find Christopher Lee near his ship in the hangar. ANAKIN You will pay for having your ship in a separate hangar to where we could follow you! CHRIS LEE Now it is time to destroy one of the shocks and surprises from Return of the Jedi! Christopher Lee shoots blue lightning from his hand!!! ANAKIN That's not fair! Only the emperor in ROTJ should be able to do that! He was supposed to be the main bad guy with special powers! CHRIS LEE Harharhar! Never underestimate the power of recycling stuff from the Original Trilogy!!! GEORGE LUCAS It's working! It's working! Anakin is out for a moment. Christopher Lee shoots blue lightning at Obi-Wan! CHRIS LEE Harharhar! I'm better than you! Obi-Wan absorbes the lightning with his lightsaber! OBI-WAN Perhaps i should teach this trick to a future apprentice, in case he ever faces a Sith Lord and wants to throw his lightsaber away! Or not. A lame lightsaber fight follows. OBI-WAN You fight like an old man, Christopher Lee! CHRIS LEE So do you! Christopher Lee beats Obi-Wan. CHRIS LEE Harharhar! I'm better than you! He is about to kill Obi-Wan - and destroy the franchise - - when Anakin fake-jumps in between them and blocks Christopher Lee's saber with his own!! CHRIS LEE (CONT'D) That's brave of you boy, but foolish. This franchise is not worth saving. ANAKIN No, Obi-Wan still has to turn up in more episodes!! Anakin fights Chris Lee with two lightsabers for a few seconds, but quickly loses one of them! OBI-WAN That was weak. CHRIS LEE Harharhar! I'm better than you! Anakin cuts a cable and the lights go out. The glow of the lightsabers reflects on their faces... CHRIS LEE What's going on? GEORGE LUCAS This is art! Anakin has had enough and holds out his arm so Chris Lee can cut it off. Chris Lee cuts off Anakin's arm and Force-Throws Anakin aside!!! CHRIS LEE Harharhar! I'm better than you! OBI-WAN Christopher Lee, you have just literaly thrown the main character aside! Why did you do that? CHRIS LEE Ask Lucas. GEORGE LUCAS It's so that... (drumroll) we can have a pointless fight with Yoda's CG Brother!!! Yoda's CG Brother enters the hangar. CHRIS LEE You have interfered with our plans for the last time. YODA'S CG BROTHER The previous times, when were??!! By the way, my padawan, you once were, Christopher Lee. CHRIS LEE So? YODA'S CG BROTHER Interesting, is that not? CHRIS LEE No. In fact, i believe 'padawan' isn't even a real word! YODA'S CG BROTHER Whatever. Yoda's CG Brother takes a Kung-Fu stance! Fake stuff is Force-thrown around! CHRIS LEE Harharhar! I'm better than you! Christopher Lee does his blue lightning trick again, but Yoda's CG Brother deflects and absorbs it! YODA'S CG BROTHER Many ridiculous things, you still have to learn. CHRIS LEE It is obvious this contest will not be decided by our knowledge of the Force, but by our skills with a lightsaber. YODA'S CG BROTHER Try a little more with the Force, we could!! Only just got started, we have! Oh, whatever. Yoda's CG Brother grabs his mini-lightsaber, yells in a silly way and jumps up like Jar Jar and attacks Christopher Lee's stuntdouble!!! An awesome display of ridiculous action follows as Yoda's CG Brother demonstrates just how many stupid things you can do with digital technology! GEORGE LUCAS Look, i know this is all a big joke, but who cares? Star Wars has become a joke and i don't care anymore. So why should you? The fight suddenly ends as the effects budget is almost used up. YODA'S CG BROTHER Fought well, you have. CHRIS LEE What? I just stood here while you wasted all you energy by twirling and bouncing around like a silly videogame character!! YODA'S CG BROTHER Whatever. Stand here, i will now, while you use the Force to distract me and run away. Swing at you, with my lightsaber, i will not. While Yoda's CG Brother just stands there, Christopher Lee uses the Force to make a CG thing fall down towards Obi-Wan and Anakin. Yoda's CG brother uses the Force to stop the thing from crushing the two boys! YODA'S CG BROTHER (CONT'D) Still here, you two are?! OBI-WAN Yeah, but we got tired of this movie, so we didn't do anything! Instead of slashing the distracted Yoda's CG Brother with his saber, Chris Lee escapes in his ship. Obi-Wan and Anakin are saved! INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - SUNSET Yoda's CG Brother, Sam Jackson and Obi-Wan are in the empty Jedi Council chamber. SAM JACKSON Are all the other Jedi masters dead? I didn't see them get killed in the movie. YODA'S CG BROTHER A mystery, this is. SAM JACKSON Where is your apprentice? OBI-WAN I sent him to escort Padmé back to Italy. It's obvious they have strong feelings for each other and Anakin is emotionally unstable. So i thought it was a good idea to sent them out together. I'm sure they won't get married or something. SAM JACKSON Whatever. Do you believe that we have discovered all the homages, rip-offs - accidental or not - and recycled things in this movie? YODA'S CG BROTHER The Matrix; Willow; Metropolis; The Wizard of Oz; Tron; James Bond: The world is not enough; Dune; Lawrence of Arabia; THX-1138; Brazil; Darkman; The Herculoids; Detour (1945); etcetera... I sense much... Mean, does this anything? Or simply try to enjoy what is presented to us, we should? A mystery, this is. SAM JACKSON Either way, i think we should keep a closer eye on George Lucas from now on. Now kids, did we learn any lessons from this episode? OBI-WAN Yes. I learned that Yoda's CG Brother was Christopher Lee's master. Also Qui-Gon Jinn from Episode 1 was Christopher Lee's apprentice, just like i was Qui-Gon's apprentice. And Anakin is my apprentice! Since Christopher Lee was once a Jedi but still somehow turned to the Dark Side and Yoda's CG Brother fights like an idiot, it is clear that Yoda's CG Brother is not such a great master as everybody thought. Take into account that i only trained Anakin because it was Qui-Gon's wish and that the Jedi council didn't stop me or let someone more experienced train Anakin, and i can only conclude that it is not really all my fault that Anakin turns to the Dark Side in the next Episode!! SAM JACKSON Hmmm, that sort of sucks. I had sympathy for your character in the Original Trilogy. You were so sad, you blamed yourself, and you were redeemed when Darth Vader turned back to good in the end. That was great. Now, it's all Yoda's CG Brother's fault. YODA'S CG BROTHER Whatever. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen. OBI-WAN Does this mean we can see everything again now? Like who this Dark Lord is who is controlling the senate? YODA'S CG BROTHER No. Simply sounded dramatic, that line did. Begun, the Clone War has. OBI-WAN Hé, you can't do that! You can't just name a war that has only just started! That's stupid! YODA'S CG BROTHER Looked, sounded and acted different in every Star Wars movie i have. Earned the right to name wars i have. EXT. CORUSCANT, MILITARY STAGING AREA, BALCONY - SUNSET Palpatine, some aliens and Jimmy Smits oversee thousands of CG copy-and-paste troops entering CG star destroyer like ships. Jimmy Smits balls up his hand and hits the balcony in frustration. JIMMY SMITS No, no, no!!!! I thought it would be great, starring in a Star Wars movie, but i hardly had any lines at all and nobody even mentioned my character's name! Oh, the horror! EXT. ITALY, BALCONY - LATE AFTERNOON Padmé and Anakin and C-3PO and R2-D2 are on a balcony with some kind of priest. They're getting married. PADME Woah, hold on! Where does this marriage come from?! I never said i wanted to get married! We never talked about this! Why are we getting married?!! ANAKIN Because it's in the script. C-3PO and R2-D2 also get married. C-3PO We're gay. Anakin and Padmé kiss each other, and then they kiss each other again...and again...and again... GEORGE LUCAS Isn't this romantic? AUDIANCE Get on with it!!! GEORGE LUCAS Please watch both the normal theatrical version and the digital version. You'll notice some subtle differences! AUDIANCE We'll just wait for the DVD, thank you very much. GEORGE LUCAS That's another different version. EXT. SKYWALKER RANCH, PARKING LOT - EVENING An expensive car drives into the highly guarded parking lot of Skywalker Ranch, George Lucas' mighty headquarters. The car is parked and an overweight guy gets out. It is RICK McCALLUM, the producer. Rick approaches a bearded man dressed in a flannel shirt. Rick bows before his master. RICK MCCALLUM I bring you good news, master Lucas. The movie is finished. GEORGE LUCAS Excellent. Everything is going as planned, except for all the stuff i changed in post-production. RICK MCCALLUM You have created a masterpiece, my lord. GEORGE LUCAS This time no force in the universe will be able to stop us! At last the critics will love me, at last i will have my revenge! PETER JACKSON Sorry, but i made this epic film adaptation of Lord of the Rings and i'm getting all the awards. GEORGE LUCAS Damn! Aah, it doesn't matter! At least we will rule the box office! No other franchise will ever come close!! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! SPIDERMAN I don't think so, suckers. RICK MCCALLUM Huh, what happened? We always ruled the box office! It was meant to be that way! What's going on? GEORGE LUCAS How can this be? YODA'S CG BROTHER A mystery, this is NOT. - The End -