STAR WARS THE CRAPTACULAR EDITIONS Episode I: THE PERILS OF QUEEN IMADALEK OF NABOOTY Episode II: STOP! OR MY CLONE WILL SHOOT! Episode III: A VERY BIG EXPLOSION by DARTH SILLYNAME Based on The Star Wars Prequels, By George Lucas October 2003 Darth SillyName, the Dynamic Villain http://www.geocities.com/dynamicvillain dynamicvillain@yahoo.co.uk --------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a humour rewrite of the Star Wars Prequels! Don't take this seriously! I didn't! These are the first 3 episodes of six episodes which make up the entire CRAPTACULAR SAGA!!! The other 3 episodes are Rewrites of the Original Trilogy. Those have been rewritten to 'tie into' the Prequels...from a certain point of view... The set-up of those rewrites is a bit different than the prequel rewrites, which are more 'critical-funny'. The OT rewrites are more 'silly-funny'...and shorter. They have received critical acclaim by fans on Star Wars message-boards!!!! This Prequel Craptacular Trilogy (or CRAPUELS) is pretty long, more than 100 pages. I just couldn't stop, and it's an easy read. So don't worry and hang in there! With exciting characters like: Obi-Wan Kenobi Qui-Gon Jinn Anakiddie Skywalker Queen PetMe ImADalek Of Nabooty Jar Jar Stinks Shmut Skywalker Boss Nass Captain Obvious Captain Boring Captain Pointless Sio Biblical Fake Aliens Cartoon characters Darth Silent ROTJ Emperor Supreme Chancellor Valium Senator E.T. Samuel L. Jackson Conehead Little Green Alien Watto CG droids Count Dooku Chewbacca The Wookiee Artoo-Detoo C-3PO Queen JamItInYa Dex The Old Bitch The Fett family The man who's name PetMe forgot Lama Su Taun We Zam WeSellToys Xenophopia AnalEntré And of course the Naughty Royal Handmaidens: BangMé, UseMé, SpankMé, SlapMé, HurtMé, WhipMé, ChokeMé, DoMé, and Ginger. Learn about: The Awesome Power Of The Force; The traditional Nabooty greeting booty-pinch; The traditional spanking manners of the peaceful Nabooty; The Power Of Booty; The Seduction Of Booty, which must be withstood by any Jedi Apprentice at all cost, or all may be lost!; The Model Makers Of Nabooty; The dim-wittedness of the Dungans; The truth behind the numb tongue of Jar Jar; The secret of the Mind-Trick; The LadyShave Of Transmission; The mystery of Midichlorians; The mystery of what a Vergeance is; The mystery of the Prophecy of the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force; The mystery of what a Padawan is; The Super Secret Sith Transmission Tracking Trick; The Queen’s Super Secret Throne Compartment; The Royal Nabooty Metal Pins Covered Whip Of Spank; The Laser Shield Doors Of Pacing; The Bottomless Pit Of Unoriginal Ideas; The Dark Lord Of Merchandizing; The name of the little green alien; The Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness; The Tusken Biker Gang; The Super Mind-Trick; The traumatic lover-boy experience; The Kamino holiday resort and cloning centre; The faith of the Original Original Trilogy; The name of Samuel L. Jackson's character; The mystery of Jimmy Smits; The mystery of the plot; The mysteriously pointless shape-shifting pointless character; The awesome Force-Un-Choke trick; The tax-cut on booty-wax; The mystery of where the fruit has been in; The Plan to which all has been proceeding, except for the parts that didn't go as planned; The snapping of PetMe's mind; The memory-wipe-plan of Chewbacca; The Very Big Explosion. Now hang on to your booty and start reading and have fun!!! ------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------- Every executive producer needs more money... Every effects firm needs more work... Every franchise needs a prequel... A longer time ago than the time ago from the episodes that were made before this one... FADE IN: EXT. SPACE A vast sea of stars serves as the background for the title and the roll-up, which crawls into infinity; the empty void where this movie was created... STAR WARS EPISODE I THE PERILS OF QUEEN IMADALEK OF NABOOTY (TPOQION) The galaxy is in turmoil. The Galactic Senate has put a tax on trade-routes and the greedy Licensing Federation has blockaded the planet Nabooty. Sounds boring, but maybe we can fit some lightsaber action in there somewhere. While everybody debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, guardians of bad taste in the Galaxy, to debate this alarming chain of events... PAN DOWN Through a vast sea of stars to reveal nothing very exciting. Just some spaceships. INT. FEDERATION SHIP, CONFERENCE ROOM Two Jedi Knights are led into a conference room by a protocol droid - NOT C-3PO. OBI-WAN I've got a bad feeling about this. QUI-GON It's just a conference room. You'll have to get used to conference rooms in this Trilogy, Obi-Wan. OBI-WAN Not about this room, master. It's something else...more digital. Floppy eared...with a silly voice... QUI-GON Don't worry. George Lucas will not let us down after all these years. OBI-WAN But Master Yoda says I should be mindful of overuse of CGI. QUI-GON Yoda didn't train you. I did. OBI-WAN Isn't that inconsistent? QUI-GON No. Yoda instructed you, remember? He simply gave you some instructions at some point. OBI-WAN That's a bit weak. QUI-GON Get used to it. OBI-WAN Do you think this Licensing guy will agree with the Chancellor's demands? QUI-GON I don't know. I haven't got the faintest idea what the hell is going on. Something with taxes or something? INT. FEDERATION SHIP, BRIDGE On the bridge a bunch of aliens and CG droids are creating turmoil for the galaxy. ROTJ EMPEROR (hologram) Kill those Jedi, and invade Nabooty. I will make it legal. FAKE ALIEN #1 (insulting accent) Won't anyone come looking for the Jedi? And how can you make an invasion legal? ROTJ EMPEROR Silence! I will deal with any plot holes myself! INT. FEDERATION SHIP, CONFERENCE ROOM Obi and Qui are drinking. OBI-WAN I hope they won't try to kill us. These drinks could have been poisoned! QUI-GON Those guys are cowards, and besides, this is just a trivial trade dispute. Nothing serious. OBI-WAN Then why is the galaxy in turmoil and why is the Senate endlessly debating this alarming chain of events? QUI-GON You talk too much, Obi-Wan. From now on you will let me do most of the talking, and you will stay off screen most of the time, my inexperienced apprentice! OBI-WAN Yes, master... Then turmoil engulfs the scene! The Jedi start kicking CG droid booty with their glowing sticks! OBI-WAN (cont'd) Aha! The good stuff! CG DROID Roger, roger! OBI-WAN Who? INT. FEDERATION SHIP, BRIDGE The Federation guys receive a message from Queen ImADalek of Nabooty herself. FAKE ALIEN #1 At last Queen ImADalek herself speaks to us. You look like a clown, Your Highness. QUEEN IMADALEK I have only instigated this booty call to inform you that this blockade will end now. Senator Palpatine says so. FAKE ALIEN #1 Palpatine? Wasn't that the name of the evil Emperor in the Original Trilogy? That's the guy we've been talking to! We figured that secret out fast! QUEEN IMADALEK Whatever. I will never agree to your demands, even if you spank my booty all night long. FAKE ALIEN #1 Fine, we won't try that then. QUEEN IMADALEK No, it's okay to try. You can always try! FAKE ALIEN #1 Oh, come on. We only want the merchandizing rights to your franchise. QUEEN IMADALEK I will never allow you to take over our action figure business. There isn't a fiber in my tight booty that would even consider it! INT. FEDERATION SHIP, HALLWAY Obi and Qui encounter transforming droids! OBI-WAN Transformers! QUI-GON There is more than meets the eye to this conflict! INT. FEDERATION SHIP, HANGAR Obi and Qui watch thousands of CG droids getting put in transports. QUI-GON It's a digital army. We must warn the Model Makers Of Nabooty. OBI-WAN You were right about one thing, master. Lucas has not let us down! QUI-GON (forboding) Not yet... They stow away on the ships that are going to invade Nabooty. EXT. NABOOTY, SWAMP - DAY Once on the planet's surface, Qui and Obi meet a digital, floppy eared alien with a silly voice. QUI-GON Your instincts have served you well, Obi-Wan. JAR JAR Hellodioo! Obi-Wan, disgusted by this horrible thing, whips out his glowing stick and CUTS the creature in half! OBI-WAN I've always wanted to do that! But oh dear...the creature is digital, and is soon cut-and pasted back together. OBI-WAN (cont'd) What is this digital menace? JAR JAR Mesa am Jar Jar Stinks. Mesa am annoying! OBI-WAN Master, this thing looks and acts like a cross between Daffy Duck and Goofy. What's it doing in a Star Wars movie? QUI-GON We must get to the bottom of this mystery. JAR JAR Bottom youssa say? Follow me! Jar Jar leads them to the bottom of a lake, where they find an underwater city. INT. CG UNDERWATER CITY Obi, Qui, and Jar are brought before more silly CG aliens: the Dungans. They meet Boss Nass. Nass means 'wet' in German, and Boss Nass lives under water, which is wet, and he spits a lot, so he's wet, so that's pretty funny. QUI-GON No, it's not. BOSS NASS Youssa suck. QUI-GON How do you know that? Have we met before?! OBI-WAN The Dungans and the Nabooties form a symbiotic circle. Whatever happens to one affects the other. You must work together and stuff. BOSS NASS Wasse this? Unne After School Special?! QUI-GON Yes Obi-Wan, really! Just cut the 'important message' stuff. It's annoying. BOSS NASS Wesa no like da Nabooty. They think their booties are so fine. QUI-GON I'll just do a mindtrick. OBI-WAN What's a mindtrick? QUI-GON Wait three episodes and you'll find out. The mindtrick works, and the three guys are on their way through the planet's core! INT. SUB (UNDERWATER) The three heroes navigate the salty seas. OBI-WAN Why did we bring Jar Jar with us? He sucks! QUI-GON He could be important for the plot later. OBI-WAN I seriously doubt that! QUI-GON The Force will lead us to the next scenes. JAR JAR Wasse is da Force anyways? QUI-GON Wait three episodes and Obi-Wan will tell us. Oh no! The sub is attacked by a monster! Then the monster is attacked by another monster! Then another monster attacks the sub! Then that monster is attacked by the second monster! QUI-GON (cont'd) There's always room for more pointless digital effects. EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, PALACE - DAY The Licensing Federation has taken over Thong City, the capital of Nabooty! INT. NABOOTY PALACE - DAY Queen ImADalek and her naughty handmaidens and guards are captured! QUEEN IMADALEK Captain Boring! You have failed to protect me! Your booty must be spanked! HANDMAIDENS Yes! Yes! Spank him! Spank him! CAPTAIN BORING I should have never agreed to work for these Nabooty freaks... FAKE ALIEN #1 Now you will sign a treaty that will make all this legal, and you will hand your action figure empire over to us! QUEEN IMADALEK You would have to savagely abuse me and my handmaidens to achieve that! FAKE ALIEN #1 We can't do that! You are underage. QUEEN IMADALEK I'm fourteen. That's old enough in many places. FAKE ALIEN #1 But not to show it on screen. It's illegal. QUEEN IMADALEK I will make it legal. I am the queen after all. FAKE ALIEN #1 No, really, we can't. QUEEN IMADALEK We can pretend I'm a petite eighteen year old. FAKE ALIEN #1 No, seriously. Stop it. You'll get us in trouble! QUEEN IMADALEK Come on! You can tackle us single handedly! HANDMAIDENS Yes! Yes! Let him tackle us single handedly! FAKE ALIEN #1 No way. This movie is for all ages. QUEEN IMADALEK Ah, sith! Deprived of booty action, the Nabooty queen and her entourage are led away by CG droids. EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, PALACE - DAY Qui and Obi attack the CG droids and cut them in half! The queen and her friends are safe! JAR JAR Muy, muy, wesa have seen da droid cutting before in earlier scenes! QUEEN IMADALEK Wow! Those Jedi sure know how to handle their sabers! Our booties may get lucky! HANDMAIDENS Hurray!! QUI-GON Be mindful of the here and now, Obi Wan. These Nabooty girls are naughty. I sense they may want to get freaky with us. OBI-WAN So? QUI-GON You can't let that happen. It is not the way of the Jedi. OBI-WAN Now you tell me! QUI-GON Make sure to tell this to any future apprentice of yours. Should a Jedi apprentice be seduced by the Power Of Booty the galaxy will be drenched in evil! OBI-WAN I'll remember, but is it okay to pinch their booties? QUI-GON Yes, that is the traditional Nabooty greeting. Obi-Wan pinches Captain Boring's booty. CAPTAIN BORING I knew it. QUEEN IMADALEK Oh brave Jedi Knights, we are grateful and turned on! I am Queen ImADalek of Nabooty, and these are my Naughty Royal Handmaidens: PetMé, UseMé, SpankMé, SlapMé, HurtMé, WhipMé, ChokeMé, DoMé, and Ginger. Whatever your plans are, their services are at your disposal, day and night, for only 19 Republic Credits 95 a month, for both dial up and broad-band connections. QUI-GON We are honored to serve and protect you, Your Highness. QUEEN IMADALEK Excellent. I expect you to throw yourself at me and cover me with your big, masculine body. QUI-GON Should anything dangerous happen, I will. QUEEN IMADALEK No, I just expect you to throw yourself at me and cover me with your big, masculine body! Screw danger! SIO BIBLICAL I guess the negotiations have failed. QUI-GON What negotiations? I thought we were sent here to settle the conflict, not to negotiate! SIO BIBLICAL Go to the CG capital, my Bootyliscious Queen. I will handle things here. QUEEN IMADALEK How? They're probably just going to execute you. Oh well... Remarkably, and to Qui-Gon's surprise, ImADalek seems unsure what to do in this time of crisis...hmm... She turns to PetMé, her most boring handmaiden, seeking advice. PETME We are horny, Your Bootylisciousness. QUEEN IMADALEK You're right. We must leave and somehow get some booty-action. INT. NABOOTY PALACE, HANGAR - DAY Qui-Gon and the others enter the hangar, where the queen's ship is parked. A bunch of pilots is being guarded by CG droids. OBI-WAN That ship looks like a spy plane from a galaxy not so far away, from a time not so long ago... CG DROID Stop. Do. You. Wish. To. Engage. In. Stilted. Dialogue. Question. Mark. QUI-GON I'm taking these people to Metropolis, our CG capital. CG DROID Where. Are. You. Taking. Them. Question. Mark. QUI-GON To Metropolis. I just said that. Pay attention, stupid! CG DROID Uhm. Metropolis. Not. Coruscant. That. Does. Not. Compute. Uhm. You. Are. Under. Arrest. Exclamation. Mark. The CG droid looks around, but the place is empty (except for some droids that have been cut in half - again). Our heroes have already flown away in their SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser. EXT. SPACE The SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser speeds away from Nabooty! INT. SR-71, COCKPIT Captain Obvious pilots the ship straight towards a bunch of Licensing Federation ships. QUI-GON Are you stupid? You can fly anywhere, and instead of flying through a piece of empty space, you're heading straight towards those ships! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, there are the laserbeams! The ship is hit by laserbeams! OBI-WAN We're losing fans fast! Then the shields are fixed. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, that little droid did it! They're safe! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (cont'd) And look, the hyperdrive is leaking! QUI-GON We can go to Tatooine. I know it well. I have seen it many times in the Original Trilogy. OBI-WAN Can't we go to some totally new and interesting location? Tatooine is so unoriginal. QUI-GON Get used to it. CAPTAIN BORING You can't take her Royal Booty to Tatooine! The gangsters who live there could enslave her and do wicked, depraved things to her and her handmaidens! QUEEN IMADALEK (O.S.) Full speed to Tatooine!!! INT. SR-71, MAIN ROOM Queen ImADalek sits on her throne. Captain Boring and the Jedi and the handmaidens stand around the place. A familiar looking droid is also present. CAPTAIN BORING An extremely well put together little droid. QUEEN IMADALEK What's your name? Artoo whistles. CAPTAIN BORING He can only speak in beeps and whistles. QUEEN IMADALEK The same way your men speak to my handmaidens. Captain Boring checks the droid's serial-number. CAPTAIN BORING It's name is Artoo-Detoo (R2-D2). QUEEN IMADALEK Sounds familiar. Are you the same R2-D2 who was in the Original Trilogy? Artoo beeps 'yes'. QUEEN IMADALEK (cont'd) What a coincidence! PetMe, you boring bitch, be a good servant and clean this droid. Spit shine his knobs and wipe him clean by rubbing your booty furiously against him. PetMe, the most inexperienced and boring of the Naughty Royal Handmaidens, moves forward with a submissive expression on her face. PETME Yes, my mistress. PetMe and Artoo go away to get some privacy. QUI-GON Now that your most boring handmaiden has left the room perhaps we can get down to business. QUEEN IMADALEK I thought you'd never say that! Handmaidens: Music! Music starts playing and the remaining handmaidens start gyrating their booties and bouncing up and down to the hypnotic tune. QUEEN IMADALEK (cont'd) Yeah baby, yeah! Shake that booty! Booty! Shake ya booty! Just as the girls start taking off their clothes, Qui-Gon uses the Awesome Power Of The Force to stop the music! QUI-GON In the name of all that is holy, please stop! We Jedi must not be seduced by the Power of Booty! Control your sensual teenage girls before all is lost! OBI-WAN Too late! Obi-Wan throws himself onto Captain Boring. QUI-GON Down, boy! Down! Obi-Wan relaxes. CAPTAIN BORING Phew. That was close. QUI-GON Now that we have successfully withstood the Seduction Of Booty we can concentrate our powers on this merchandizing crisis. We're going to Tatooine. QUEEN IMADALEK What's Tatooine like? QUI-GON Haven't you seen the Original Trilogy? QUEEN IMADALEK Oh yes, of course. The ones with that green alien that tried to shoot that guy, and then horribly missed, and then got shot himself. QUI-GON No. I mean the ORIGINAL original Trilogy. The ones where the alien didn't get a chance to shoot first. QUEEN IMADALEK How many versions of this fabled Trilogy exist, oh wise Master Jedi? QUI-GON How many alternate universes are there in this multiverse of ours? QUEEN IMADALEK An infinite number perhaps. QUI-GON Then you have your answer... INT. SR-71, ANOTHER ROOM PetMe is cleaning Artoo when Jar Jar scares the bejeezus out of her! JAR JAR Booo!!! PETME Aaah!! Are you a Dungan? JAR JAR Yes, of course. Stupid girl. Youssa live on Nabooty and youssa don't even know was unne Dungan looks like?! PETME How did you get here? JAR JAR Funny story. Mesa was scrounging for some mushrooms and boomsa! Da Jedi and da CG droids runna me over! PETME You got any of those mushrooms with you? Can I have some? JAR JAR Sure thinga! Why elsa do youssa think mesa talka so weirdo? The trip to Tatooine and pure bliss continues... INT. FEDERATION SHIP, BRIDGE Meanwhile the Licensing Federation guys are discussing the alarming chain of events with the holographic guy from an earlier scene. FAKE ALIEN #1 The queen is gone! Her booty is firmer than we thought! ROTJ EMPEROR Not for a mysterious evil guy with a red glowing stick. A new figure enters the hologram. ROTJ EMPEROR (cont'd) This is Lord Silent. He will find your missing ship. FAKE ALIEN #1 How are you, mister Silent? DARTH SILENT ... FAKE ALIEN #1 Uhm... ROTJ EMPEROR Lord Silent is silent, but deadly. The hologram fades. FAKE ALIEN #1 Now there are two of them! FAKE ALIEN #2 We should have just spanked those teen girls. EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT - DAY The SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser lands on Tatooine. INT. SR-71, ENGINE ROOM Qui-Gon checks on Obi-Wan, who is fiddling with the Hyperdrive. OBI-WAN The Hyperdrive is leaking. We need a new one. QUI-GON This should make the plot more interesting. OBI-WAN Be mindful, I sense a disturbance. QUI-GON Is it the Dark Side? OBI-WAN No, it's disturbing that our quest for a space-ship part will take up a big portion of the first Star Wars movie in many years! QUI-GON Get used to it. OBI-WAN So I'll go with you on an adventure then? QUI-GON No, I'm the star. Get used to it. Besides, you have to stay here and protect the queen and her handmaidens. They are all luscious, ludicrously attractive, scantily clad, bisexual virgin girls in the ages 14 to 16; blossoming like wild flowers; flying through the rocky years of puberty at the speed of light; craving attention and booty-action. Protect them with all you've got. Throw your body on top of them if you have to. Stay awake and vigilant. The hours will be long and the mission will be hard, but you must persevere and never let down your guard. If they try anything that could endanger the mission, be sure to give them a proper spanking. That is their tradition. This is a great responsibility, Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan?! Obi-Wan lies passed-out on the floor. EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT - DAY Qui-Gon, Jar Jar, and Artoo set out towards a settlement. Captain Boring and PetMe stop them. CAPTAIN BORING Wait! Her Royal Booty commands that this boring and stiff handmaiden comes with you. She is interested in the mating habits of the local population. Besides, PetMe was spoiling the atmosphere on board the ship with her monotone whining. QUI-GON This is a bad idea. The aliens out there are weird and dangerous. PETME Don't worry. I like tentacle porn. JAR JAR Dissen suns do murder to da skin. Mesa am gonna die! QUI-GON That's the plan. EXT. TATOOINE, TUNESIA - DAY The group arrives in a town. QUI-GON Cut-Scene Farmers and some Original Trilogy tribes for the most part. Places like these are a save-haven for those who don't want to be found. PETME Why don't they just hide in a deleted scene? They enter a used parts shop. INT. WATTO'S SHOP Watto, a flying CG alien, greets the new visitors. WATTO How can I be of service to the plot? QUI-GON I need an ultra-super-duper sophisticated-modern-high-tech hyperdrive engine. WATTO I think I've got one outside rusting in the suns, together with the other junk. And I'm the only one who has the parts you need! PETME Wow. This is the first shop we check out, and this is the only one who has what we need. What a coincidence! While Watto and Qui-Gon go outside, a young boy observes PetMe. ANAKIDDIE Are you dead? PETME Why do you say that? ANAKIDDIE You're so stiff and lifeless and boring. PETME You're a dirty little slave. ANAKIDDIE I'm an important character, and my name is Anakiddie! PETME I'm sorry, I'm new to all this. I'm only used to hanging out with luscious, ludicrously attractive, scantily clad, bisexual virgin girls in the ages 14 to 16, who blossom like wild flowers, and who fly through the rocky years of puberty at the speed of light, craving attention and booty-action. ANAKIDDIE Sounds wizard! Can I get some booty action? PETME You're too young. Wait ten years and we'll see. ANAKIDDIE Damn. Meanwhile Jar Jar tries some slapstick. ANAKIDDIE (cont'd) Give it up, dude. It requires talent. EXT. WATTO'S SHOP - DAY Qui-Gon and Watto haggle over the hyperdrive. QUI-GON I'll give you ten thousand Republic Credits. WATTO Republic Credits are no good out here. I need something more real, like local currency. Go to a bank or something and exchange it, then come back. QUI-GON That would be too difficult. (mindtricking) But Republic Credits will do fine. WATTO No, they won't! What are you doing? QUI-GON It's a mindtrick. WATTO What's that? QUI-GON It's explained in Episode 4. WATTO Whatever. Those kinds of things don't work on Toydarians like me. QUI-GON I thought they only didn't work on strong-minded individuals. I guess you learn something new every day. WATTO Whatever. Only toy sales figures work with Toydarians. Unable to strike a deal, Qui-Gon and the others leave. WATTO (cont'd) What a bunch of idiots. They need a better writer. ANAKIDDIE The girl was nice. (foreshadowing) If only I could have her booty... the galaxy would never be the same again... EXT. TATOOINE, TUNESIA - DAY Qui-Gon contacts Obi-Wan to see if they've got anything to trade. OBI-WAN (V.O.) Just some of the queen's wardrobe perhaps. Some whips and toys... QUI-GON That won't be enough. OBI-WAN (V.O.) What if we just sell all those nameless guards, pilots and handmaidens as slaves? It's not like they're doing anything. QUI-GON The plot may require them later in some action scenes near the end of the movie. OBI-WAN (V.O.) Then what are they doing here now, tagging along with the important characters? QUI-GON I don't know. Get used to it. OBI-WAN (V.O.) Is there anything I can do? I am the legendary Obi-Wan Kenobi after all! QUI-GON No. I'm the star, remember? Get used to it. Meanwhile Jar Jar gets into trouble with another CG alien! Anakiddie saves him! QUI-GON (cont'd) Stupid boy! We had almost gotten rid of that annoying character! ANAKIDDIE Come home with me. Sandstorms are very dangerous, plus it's been a while since I invited strange old guys over to my place. INT. SKYWALKER HOME, MAIN ROOM - DAY Anakiddie has invited the heroes over to his place, where they meet his mother: Shmut Skywalker. SHMUT Anakiddie! How many times have I told you: Do not invite strange old men over without my approval! QUI-GON You have a very special son. He gives without taking. SHMUT Well this time we're charging by the hour! INT. SKYWALKER HOME, ANAKIDDIE'S ROOM - DAY Anakiddie shows PetMe his bedroom and his droid. ANAKIDDIE I built my own droid. His name is See-Threepio (C-3PO). PETME That name sounds familiar. Are you the same C-3PO who was in the Original Trilogy? C-3PO Yes. PETME What an amazing coincidence! So what are you doing in this episode? C-3PO Nothing really. I'm just here. PETME Oh, okay... INT. SKYWALKER HOME, MAIN ROOM - EVENING They're all having diner. ANAKIDDIE Are you a Jedi? Only a Jedi is stupid enough to use a glowing stick instead of something more effective like a blaster-repeater rifle. QUI-GON I see there is no kidding you. We are on a special super secret mission, but I guess we can tell you. After all, we don't really know you. We need some money so we can fly away and save the galaxy from evil. SHMUT Have you tried putting your glowing stick at Watto's throat and forcing him to give up the parts you need? QUI-GON No. That would be unethical. PETME I only see one solution. The naughty handmaidens must set up business near the spaceship docks and pleasure the needy space travelers for money. QUI-GON No. That would be immoral. If only I could bet a slave on a podrace... ANAKIDDIE I made the fastest podracer in the galaxy from spare parts and junk! I could fly it and you could bet on me! SHMUT Anakiddie, no! It's too dangerous! ANAKIDDIE Please, mom. You always say that the biggest problem in this galaxy is that nobody helps each other. There is a lesson to be learnt here. QUI-GON Oh no, the After-School-Special stuff again... SHMUT Yeah, okay. My nine year old slave son was meant to help a bunch of strangers earn some money, because he's a half-god or something. PETME Wow! That's stupid! You need help! QUI-GON I think we are all forgetting something important. This house is pretty small. We'll have to share rooms tonight. Who's going to sleep with who? ANAKIDDIE Can't you just go back to your ship? The sandstorm has died down! QUI-GON Shut up kid. I was thinking I could sleep with your mom. She's a bit worn out, but still acceptable. Then Jar Jar sticks out his mighty long tongue to grab some food. Everybody is amazed. PETME You're sleeping with me tonight!! SHMUT You're sleeping with me tonight!! PETME I said it first!! SHMUT Damn. JAR JAR Muy, muy! Mesa gonna get lucky! QUI-GON Don't do that again. You make me feel inferior. INT. SR-71, ANOTHER ROOM Obi-Wan receives a call from Qui-Gon. QUI-GON (V.O.) Obi-Wan, I need a midichlorian count. OBI-WAN What's that? QUI-GON (V.O.) I'm not sure. It probably has something to do with the Force. Let's just do it. I have activated the Ladyshave Of Transmission and I'm sending the data to you. OBI-WAN How do I measure those midiwhattians? QUI-GON (V.O.) Every space ship has standard equipment to test for this kind of stuff. OBI-WAN That's very convenient. Okay...here it comes. Wow! That's a high count! What does it mean? QUI-GON (V.O.) I have absolutely no idea. First we have to figure out what those midichlorians are. If only we could track down the writer of this stuff... EXT. METROPOLIS, SECRET EVIL PLACE - NIGHT The ROTJ Emperor and Darth Silent discuss their strategy. ROTJ EMPEROR How are you going to find them? DARTH SILENT ... ROTJ EMPEROR It's just us now. It's okay to talk. Don't be shy. DARTH SILENT Oh, okay. I will use the SSSTTT: the Super Secret Sith Transmission Tracking Trick. It involves an early draft, rewriting, and forgetting to fix it all. Possibly some delete scenes here and there as well. ROTJ EMPEROR Excellent. Nobody will notice. Kill the Jedi first, then go after the queen. Concentrate on her booty, she will not be able to resist. DARTH SILENT At last we will reveal our new merchandize to the fanboys, at last we will make another billion dollars! EXT. TATOOINE, SKYWALKER HOME - MORNING Anakiddie; Jar Jar; a tired, but satisfied PetMe; Artoo; and Threepio are working on Anakiddie's podracer. JAR JAR My tongue is numb... PETME (tired, but satisfied) It was worth it. Qui-Gon joins Shmut. QUI-GON Good morning, sleepy head. You were so tired after last night. SHMUT Do you love me now? Will you free me and take me away from here? QUI-GON Hell no! SHMUT Damn! They all say that! QUI-GON Who was Anakiddie's father? SHMUT I'm not sure. I was so drunk that night, and Watto had loaned me out to those space pirates...I have no idea what happened! QUI-GON Hmm, this could be mythological... INT. SR-71, MAIN ROOM Meanwhile, the people on board the Royal Nabooty Star Ship receive an urgent message from Sio Biblical. SIO BIBLICAL (V.O.) (hologram) We need your help! The Licensing Federation is depriving us of booty action. The frustration toll is catastrophic. You must contact us with a webcam and voice-chat, My Bootyliscious Queen! QUEEN IMADALEK Spank me silly and call me Bang Bang! We must do something! OBI-WAN It's a trick. Do not respond. Do not dress up like a webcam girl and engage in virtual booty-action, or all may be lost. EXT. TATOOINE, PODRACE PLACE - DAY Everybody is preparing for the podrace. ANAKIDDIE This time I will not only finish a race, I will even win! PETME He's never even finished a race?! And we're betting on this kid? QUI-GON No, of course not. I'm betting AGAINST him. He's going to be splattered against a rock when this is over. EXT. TATOOINE, PODRACE PLACE - LATER Jabba the Hutt and Bib Fortuna are there to start the race. PETME Are you the same Jabba and Bib from the Original Trilogy? BIB Yes. PETME What a coincidence. JABBA Hohoho! My cameo is a success! SHMUT I'm a bit concerned about Anakiddie's chances. There are many talented cartoon characters participating in this race. TWO-HEADED CARTOON CHARACTER And the race has started! EXT. TATOOINE, PODRACE PLACE - 20 MINUTES LATER The race is over. Anakiddie has won! ANAKIDDIE Hey! Wake up everybody! I've won! QUI-GON Oh, damn! I've lost! Thankfully Qui-Gon let Jar Jar place the bet, and Jar Jar is a complete idiot, so he actually bet on Anakiddie winning the race, so they've won a lot of money after all! QUI-GON (cont'd) The Force is with us. JAR JAR More lika da luck. QUI-GON The Force, luck... It's all the same. SHMUT Oh, Anakiddie! You gave hope to those who have none! PETME Please! Nobody talks to their nine year old son like that! Get some help! PetMe turns to Anakiddie. PETME (cont'd) Oh, Anakiddie! We owe you everything! ANAKIDDIE Can I play with your booty now? PETME No. It's too bad you're so young. If you were, say... fourteen, we could actually have some real chemistry. Now it's all pretty pointless and worthless. ANAKIDDIE Damn. QUI-GON Pack your things, Anakiddie. We're leaving. I placed a bet and now you're free. Your mother will have to stay here, because a pod is only worth one slave. I've also sold the pod, so your mom will have some money. ANAKIDDIE Can't we buy my mom's freedom with the money you got for the pod? After all, a pod is worth a slave. QUI-GON That would be too complicated. Let's just leave your mother behind and never look back. That is the way of the Jedi. ANAKIDDIE This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, but okay. Bye mom! Bye Threepio! PETME Don't worry, Shmut! As soon as this crisis is over, we'll send someone over with some money to free you...unless we're too busy with booty-action of course. INT. SR-71, ENGINE ROOM Qui-Gon has delivered the new hyperdrive to Obi-Wan. QUI-GON Does it work? OBI-WAN No! It's the wrong one! We need a THX-1138 engine. The one you got is a DB-327! QUI-GON Oh, damn. EXT. TATOOINE, DESERT Many days and many bargains, deals, bets, mindtricks and discussions later, the correct hyperdrive is finally installed and Qui-Gon and Anakiddie are running towards the SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser. ANAKIDDIE Master Qui-Gon, wait! Why are we running?! QUI-GON We're running away from a deleted scene! Then Darth Silent ATTACKS! QUI-GON (cont'd) You cheat! You use plot-holes to find us! DARTH SILENT ... QUI-GON You want to say something? DARTH SILENT ... Confused, Qui-Gon gets on board the ship and flies away. INT. SR-71, MAIN ROOM OBI-WAN What was that? QUI-GON Something silent and deadly. Obi Wan Kenobi, meet Anakiddie Skywalker. I want this boy to be a Jedi, so I'm going to train him. OBI-WAN Hang on! I was supposed to find him and train him! This isn't fair! QUI-GON Get used to it. INT. SR-71, ANOTHER ROOM While the shiny Nabooty cruiser is heading towards Metropolis, PetMe checks on little Anakiddie, who sits in a corner, quietly weeping... PETME What's wrong little Anakiddie? ANAKIDDIE I want booty-action...and oh yeah, I miss my mother. PETME Get used to it. ANAKIDDIE What about your parents? Aren't you worried about them? After all, the Licensing Federation has taken over your planet. PETME I have parents?! I didn't know that! I thought I was an orphan or something. ANAKIDDIE I think they're supposed to show up in the next episode, or else in the episode after that. PETME Wow! I'd love to meet them some day. ANAKIDDIE Here, I made you this necklace from a piece of wood. It's very valuable, because there isn't a lot of wood on Tatooine. It's a desert planet and all. I hope you will wear it and remember me. PETME Thanks, but I don't like the color, so I'll just throw it away later. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. METROPOLIS - LATER At last the SR-71 Nabooty Star Cruiser has reached Metropolis. INT. SR-71, COCKPIT Captain Obvious and Anakiddie are in the cockpit. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, there is Metropolis, the CG capital of the galaxy! The entire planet is one big digital effect! And look, there is the Supreme Chancellor's shuttle! And look, there is senator Palpatine! And look, there are some speeders and spaceships! And look, there are some clouds! And look, there are some more digital effects! ANAKIDDIE Wow! It's so digital! EXT. METROPOLIS, LANDING PLATFORM - DAY Queen ImADalek meets Palpatine and Supreme Chancellor Valium. VALIUM I'm so happy to see you in person, Your Bootyliscious Highness, after downloading your nude pictures from the internet. QUEEN IMADALEK Perhaps we can get some booty action going on later, Supreme Chancellor. First I must get my booty waxed and then we must deal with this Merchandizing crisis. PALPATINE What's all this trade and tax stuff about anyway? QUEEN IMADALEK I hope we will find that out in some of the upcoming scenes. INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - TWILIGHT Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan stand before the Jedi Council, which consists of weird aliens and Samuel L. Jackson. QUI-GON ...My only conclusion can be that it was a Sith Lord. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN A Sith what is? CONEHEAD Didn't they go extinct a thousand years ago? LITTLE GREEN ALIEN An extinct species it is then? Animals or something? SAMUEL L. JACKSON We will use all our resources to uncover this mystery of just what the hell a Sith is. QUI-GON I've also encountered a vergence in the Force. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN A vergence you say? CONEHEAD What's a vergence? SAMUEL L. JACKSON We will use all our dictionaries to uncover this mystery of just what the hell a vergence is. QUI-GON It's got to do with this annoying boy. He has the highest midichlorian count ever. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Midichlorians what are? SAMUEL L. JACKSON We will use a bunch of resources to uncover this mystery of those midi things. QUI-GON Good. I think these midichlorians are his father or something. CONEHEAD That's just stupid. SAMUEL L. JACKSON You refer to the prophecy of the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force? QUI-GON Uhm, no, but that's actually much better than what I had come up with. Okay, yeah, it's that prophecy thing! OBI-WAN If Anakiddie is some kind of chosen one, why didn't we get any of that in the Original Trilogy? SAMUEL L. JACKSON We will have to use at least part of our resources to uncover this mystery of inconsistency. QUI-GON I want to train Anakiddie as my Padawan. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN A Padawan, what is? SAMUEL L. JACKSON Dictionary! LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Besides, Qui-Gon... Obi-Wan was supposed to want to train Anakiddie, was he not? CONEHEAD The Original Trilogy says so. OBI-WAN That's what I told him! QUI-GON The Force works in mysterious ways, my Masters... SAMUEL L. JACKSON (sighs) Bring him before us then. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Yes, yes! Before us you will bring him, before tired of this crap we will be. INT. THE QUEEN'S HOTEL ROOM - TWILIGHT Anakiddie enters the queen's hotel room, where he finds the handmaidens doing some depraved fanboy's fantasy stuff with the queen's booty. ANAKIDDIE No! You can't do that! It's unnatural! QUEEN IMADALEK Yeah bitches! More! More! Hey! Who is that peeking? SPANKME Eet ees Aanaakeen Skyewolker, Yooaar Haineess. ANAKIDDIE Aren't you Sophia Copola, who is already a more talented filmmaker than George Lucas has ever been? SPANKME Noo. Ai eem juusst ae haindmeeden. ANAKIDDIE Why do you talk so funny? SPANKME Soo eevereeboody weel remeember mee. QUEEN IMADALEK What do you want, Anakiddie? My booty is busy. ANAKIDDIE I've come to say goodbye to PetMe. QUEEN IMADALEK I've send her out to get some booty wax, but I'll tell her, and then I'll spank her silly for not taking the time to say goodbye to you. EXT. JEDI TEMPLE, BALCONY - LATER Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon look at a CG sunset. OBI-WAN This episode will not get the approval of the fans, Master. It's just not good enough. QUI-GON You still have much to learn about fanboy delusion, my young apprentice. INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - EVENING Anakiddie is being tested by the Jedi Council. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Displayed on Sam's little screen what is? ANAKIDDIE A ship, a speeder, a cup, another ship... LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Very good. ANAKIDDIE Yeah. I could see it reflected in the window behind you. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Oh, damn. On to next test we shall go then. How feel you? ANAKIDDIE Cold. Could you turn the heat up? LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Not good this is. Miss your mother, you do? ANAKIDDIE Yeah, I mean... I left her behind in slavery. That's not so cool. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Not good at all this is! Much fear I sense in you. ANAKIDDIE Well, all those weird aliens are pretty scary to a nine year old boy. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Nine you say? Nine years old you are?! ANAKIDDIE Yeah. So what? LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Too old he is! Yes! Too damn old! ANAKIDDIE What are you talking about? LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Train you we can not. Go back home you can. Waisted your time, you have here. ANAKIDDIE (angry) What the...! LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Much anger I sense in you. ANAKIDDIE (angry) I'm not surprised! You guys take me away from my mother, bring me here to the other side of the galaxy, test me, give me loads of hope, and then you tell me I'm too old?! Couldn't you have asked my age first?! That would have saved a lot of time! LITTLE GREEN ALIEN A bad feeling, I have about this one... INT. METROPOLIS, GALACTIC SENATE A freshly booty-waxed Queen ImADalek and senator Palpatine visit the awesome digital galactic senate. QUEEN IMADALEK Hey! That senator looks like E.T. Are you the same E.T. as from that movie? SENATOR E.T. Yes. QUEEN IMADALEK Wow. What a coincidence. PALPATINE Be careful, this Senate is corrupt and the bureaucrats are on the payroll of the Licensing Federation. QUEEN IMADALEK Okay. Should we ever capture those Federation guys who have invaded my planet we will send them here to receive the punishment they deserve. PALPATINE Stupid bitch. VALIUM This Senate is now in session. The chair recognizes the senator from Nabooty: the secretly evil and manipulative Palpatine; and his naive, stupid bitch of a horny queen ImADalek. PALPATINE Honorable delegates, we come before you to find out what the hell all this stuff about trade-routes and taxes and merchandizing deals is all about, because we haven't got a clue! FAKE ALIEN #3 This is outrageous! They have no right to demand an understandable plot! QUEEN IMADALEK The Licensing Federation is depriving my people of booty action! I'll loan out my naughty handmaidens to who-ever supports me in my vote against the forces of commerce and licensing and other evil stuff! ASSEMBLY Vote now! Vote Now! INT. PALPATINE'S APPARTMENT - LATER Palpatine has good news. PALPATINE I'm going to be Supreme Chancellor and I promise I will take over the galaxy by whatever means it takes. QUEEN IMADALEK Whatever. I must go back to Nabooty, and help my people before more die of frustration. PALPATINE But the Federation will capture you and throw you in a dungeon and chain you up and spank you and abuse you and hurt you and torture you in ways unimaginable! QUEEN IMADALEK If only I could be so lucky. PALPATINE Please, Your Bootylisciousness, stay here, where it's safe and where booty-wax and massage oil are much cheaper! QUEEN IMADALEK This is your arena, senator. Now I must return to mine, because I'm an exhibitionist and the thought of being in an arena with thousands of spectators watching me really turns me on. The queen turns to leave. QUEEN IMADALEK (cont'd) I pray you will bring excitement back to the Star Wars Saga. It's about bloody time! EXT. METROPOLIS, LANDING PLATFORM - NIGHT They're all about to enter the SR-71 again. OBI-WAN These Prequels are dangerous to the dignity of the Star Wars Saga! They all sense it, why can't you? QUI-GON They're good enough for Lucas, so they should be good enough for you! ANAKIDDIE Master Qui-Gon, sir, I've been meaning to ask...what are midichlorians? QUI-GON Never mind those. They'll never get mentioned again. ANAKIDDIE Okay, but what's a Sith? QUI-GON I think they're supposed to be the bad guys. ANAKIDDIE Cool, but what's this stuff about me being a Chosen One, born from a virgin, who will bring Balance to the Force? QUI-GON It's something mythological. ANAKIDDIE I don't understand. QUI-GON In time, you will understand that you shouldn't worry about those things. Just ignore it and enjoy the digital effects. ANAKIDDIE So what's with all this talk about naughty handmaidens and their booties and booty-action? QUI-GON It's probably just the fantasy of some sexually frustrated fanboy. QUEEN IMADALEK Master Qui-Gon, our booties are waxed and ready to go, and senator Palpatine fears the Federation guys will want to take advantage of us. QUI-GON I assure you we will not allow that to happen. QUEEN IMADALEK Damn! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, there we go again! There they go again, flying away into the night's sky, on to adventure and excitement...hopefully... INT. FEDERATION SHIP, BRIDGE The holographic guy once again contacts the evil aliens. ROTJ EMPEROR (hologram) Kill the queen. FAKE ALIEN #1 Didn't we need her to sign something? ROTJ EMPEROR (hologram) Yeah, but that wasn't very exciting. FAKE ALIEN #2 What about her booty? Does it still need spanking? ROTJ EMPEROR (hologram) Spank her to death. Spank all of them to death! Then wipe your hands...all of them! INT. SR-71, COCKPIT Our friends have reached Nabooty, but where did all the Licensing Federation ships go? CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, the blockade is gone! CAPTAIN BORING There's only one of their ships left in orbit of Nabooty! What's going on? OBI-WAN I just explained that. CAPTAIN BORING No, you didn't! OBI-WAN Yes, I did. It was in a deleted scene. Anakiddie is studying the controls of the mighty star ship. He catches on pretty quick. ANAKIDDIE ...So this is the file-sharing program activator, and this is the cable-porn de-scrambler... CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, you catch on pretty quick, kid! INT. SR-71, MAIN ROOM Meanwhile, Qui-Gon is puzzled as to what Queen ImADalek has planned. QUI-GON Remember, as Jedi Knights we are not allowed to fight a war for you; use our special powers in any way to help your cause; spank your booty; or engage in any kind of booty-action with underage girls. QUEEN IMADALEK That's okay. You'll cave in and help us later anyway. Jar Jar Stinks, I need your help. JAR JAR Mesa, Youssa Bootylisciousness? QUEEN IMADALEK Yes. PetMe has sampled you and reports satisfactory results. I wish to form an alliance with the Dungans, so we can finally get some booty-action. I need you to take us to the super-secret ultra-sacred Dungans-only hideout deep within your no-trespassers swamp. JAR JAR No problemo. EXT. NABOOTY, DUNGAN SACRED PLACE - AFTERNOON After landing far away from any Licensing Federation troops, Jar Jar Stinks leads our friends to the sacred Dungan place deep within the swamp. BOSS NASS Jar Jar, youssa stupid traitor! Youssa have revealed oussa secret sacred place to da Nabooty! QUEEN IMADALEK Oh great and powerful Boss of the Dungans, I come before you with an aching booty, desperate for action. We need your mighty amphibian bodies and awesome tongues to quench our thirst for booty-action. And, oh yeah, our two people are in a symbiotic relationship and we must join forces to defeat the Licensing Federation, or something like that. BOSS NASS Mesa have da betta idea. Wesa gonna spank youssa till youssa bleed! QUEEN IMADALEK Cool. PETME No, wait! Oh great and powerful Boss of the Dungans, we don't have time for booty stuff! I come to you in our darkest hour of need and stuff like that! BOSS NASS Whosse diss? PETME I am PetMe ImADalek, the real Queen of Nabooty! Everybody is shocked, but not much. PETME (cont'd) This nasty fake queen is BangMé, my most experienced handmaiden; my insatiable booty-napper decoy; my booty-action craving bodyguard; my worthless servant girl; a mere naughty fanboy's fantasy. I apologize for the deception, but it was needed, because I'm such a boring girl myself. BANGME Bitch. You didn't complain when I made you wax my booty and spit shine my boots! PETME Boss Nass, we need your help, and to achieve that we will offer ourselves to you as your submissive, obedient, do-it-all booty-action slaves. We shall cater to your every whim and pleasure your booties every way you want. PetMe gets down on her knees and the other handmaidens follow quickly and eagerly. The guys follow their example rather reluctantly. BOSS NASS Ha, ha, ha! Youssa think youssa booties are no finer than ours? PETME Now I didn't say that! I mean, just look at our booties. They don't come any finer! BOSS NASS Whassever. Wesa Dungans only lika da CG booty-action. Maybe wesa can just have platonic friendship instead. BANGME Damned! Damned! Damned! EXT. NABOOTY, SWAMP - LATER Now that the Nabooty and the Dungans have joined forces, CG action cannot be far away! PETME Artoo, come over here. I need your holo-thingee. Artoo is so happy! Finally he gets to do something! PETME (cont'd) Okay, that's enough. Go away. Aw... PETME (cont'd) Here's the plan: While the Dungans create a pointless diversion and get slaughtered like the dim-witted fools they are, the rest of us will enter Thong City and sneak into the palace through a secret passageway - used often by my handmaidens to go get some secret booty-action. It will probably be guarded by some CG droids anyway, so we'll just go in shooting. We will then jog through the palace hallways, shoot more CG droids, and capture the evil fake aliens who no doubt will be in the Throne Room and won't attempt to run away. OBI-WAN What if we fail and they do run away? PETME That is why we must not fail. OBI-WAN Huh? QUI-GON Many Dungans may die. PETME That's the plan. OBI-WAN Are we going to get some space action or what? PETME Oh yeah, we can send some fighters up to the Federation ship and fire some shots at their mighty impenetrable shield. The effects should be cool. QUI-GON It is a well conceived plan, for someone with the brain capacity of a peanut. OBI-WAN Remember Master, we are not allowed to join her in this war. QUI-GON Yeah, but come on! I mean, really, who cares? The fans want to see us in action! OBI-WAN Oh, okay, but we'd better leave Anakiddie behind where it's safe, because he's supposed to be this savior of the galaxy some day. QUI-GON No, we'll just take him with us. If he is a savior of the galaxy, he can't die in this episode anyway. OBI-WAN Oh, okay, but at least we should make sure the queen will stay hidden in a safe place. PETME No way! I'm going to lead the commando-jog on the palace! I know that place better than anyone! QUI-GON Which crack commandos have you recruited for this incredibly dangerous assault? PETME My handmaidens, some inexperienced security guards, and the two of you of course. OBI-WAN What about Jar Jar? PETME No, he's going to be a general in the Dungan army. OBI-WAN Wasn't he supposed to be important to the plot? QUI-GON Obi-Wan, you forget: Jar Jar has brought the Nabooty and Dungans together as a people! OBI-WAN No, he didn't! He just showed us where the Dungans were hiding! QUI-GON If it's good enough for Lucas... OBI-WAN Okay, okay! I get it! Geez! INT. NABOOTY PALACE, HANGAR - LATER While the Dungans create a pointless diversion and get slaughtered like the dim-witted fools they are, the others have entered Thong City and have snuck into the palace through a secret passageway - used often by ImADalek's handmaidens to go get some secret booty-action. It was guarded by some CG droids, so they went in shooting. Before they are going to jog through the palace hallways, shoot more CG droids, and capture the evil fake aliens who no doubt will be in the Throne Room and won't attempt to run away, they first enter the hangar to get the pilots to their fighters, so those can fire some shots at the mighty impenetrable shield of the Federation ship. PETME Get to your ships! And with ships I mean fighters! QUI-GON Anakiddie, hide in one of those fighters with Artoo-Detoo! Stay there, even if you accidentally activate the controls, take off, fly into space, and engage the CG droid fighters in combat! ANAKIDDIE Okay. They open a door... Darth Silent stands there! PETME Who are you? DARTH SILENT ... PETME I asked you a question! DARTH SILENT ... QUI-GON We'll handle this. PETME We will jog the long route. We better take something to drink with us. While PetMe and the others go jogging, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan fight Darth Silent, who has a double-bladed glowing stick! OBI-WAN We can't defeat him! He's a fan favorite! EXT. SPACE Meanwhile Anakiddie has accidentally activated the controls of his fighter, taken off, flown into space, and has engaged the CG droid fighters in combat! INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT ANAKIDDIE This is tense! INT. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS' FIGHTER, COCKPIT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, it's not tense at all! INT. NABOOTY PALACE, HALLWAY - DAY PetMe and her friends jog through the hallways of the palace. Things are going well, until... PALACE SPEAKER SYSTEM (V.O.) Attention! All teenage girls who crave booty-action: please report to the throne room immediately! HANDMAIDENS Hurray!!! The handmaidens run like crazy into the throne room! PETME No, wait! It could be a trap! PetMe and the guards follow, but it's too late. The evil fake aliens and their CG droids surround them. HANDMAIDENS Hey! Where's the booty-action?! FAKE ALIEN #1 Harharhar! Got you! CAPTAIN BORING Stupid bitches. FAKE ALIEN #1 Now, Queen ImADalek, you will sign your action figure empire over to us! FAKE ALIEN #2 I thought we were supposed to kill her? FAKE ALIEN #1 Oh, yeah. Well, we can make her sign the deal, and then kill her. FAKE ALIEN #2 What about just killing her and faking her signature? FAKE ALIEN #1 Uhm... Let me think about that. This is all very complicated. Suddenly ANOTHER queen stands in the doorway! It is really BangMé, the nasty fake queen! BANGME Spank me if you can, fakers! FAKE ALIEN #1 After her! That must be the real queen. This one here is just a decoy. FAKE ALIEN #2 How do you know? This one here could be the real queen, or maybe they are all fake and the real queen is somewhere else? FAKE ALIEN #1 Just go! The CG droids go after the fake queen. PetMe takes advantage of the confusion and opens the Queen's Super Secret Throne Compartment and takes out a whip. Not just any whip - it's the Royal Nabooty Metal Pins Covered Whip Of Spank! PETME Now, fake alien, we will spank your booty until you sign a new deal, one that will ensure the release of the Original Original Trilogy on DVD! EXT. SPACE Meanwhile Anakiddie and Artoo are in trouble. Their fighter is hit! INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT ANAKIDDIE Oops, we're hit! EXT. SPACE Their fighter accidentally flies into the hangar of the Federation ship! INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT ANAKIDDIE Oops, we've accidentally flown into the hangar of the Federation ship! INT. FEDERATION SHIP, HANGAR The fighter comes to a stop, but everything's overheated! INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT ANAKIDDIE Oops, everything's overheated! Anakiddie punches some buttons and a torpedo shoots away and hits a generator, that was conveniently placed inside the hangar. ANAKIDDIE (cont'd) Oops, I punched some buttons and now a torpedo has shot away and hit a generator, that was conveniently placed inside the hangar! INT. FEDERATION SHIP, HANGAR While the mighty Federation ship blows up, Anakiddie and Artoo fly away to safety. Now this is just like pod-racing! INT. ANAKIDDIE'S FIGHTER, COCKPIT ANAKIDDIE Now this is pod-racing! INT. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS' FIGHTER, COCKPIT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, it's not really like pod racing, but more like flying through the hangar of a big space ship! EXT. SPACE The Licensing Federation ship blows up! INT. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS' FIGHTER, COCKPIT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, the Licensing Federation ship blows up! EXT. NABOOTY, BATTLEFIELD - DAY Jar Jar has not led the Dungans to victory, so we didn't show any fighting, but now the CG droids are instantly deleted, because the servers were on board the Federation ship! JAR JAR Wesa won anyways! INT. NABOOTY PALACE, SUPER HIGH TECH AREA Meanwhile Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Silent have moved into a super high tech area that doesn't really seem to be a part of the ancient Nabooty palace. They encounter the deadly Laser Shield Doors Of Pacing! They are all trapped and can't reach each other! OBI-WAN How long does this last? QUI-GON Until the other scenes are done! Because the other scenes are already done, the Doors open and the action continues. OBI-WAN Noooo! QUI-GON What is it? OBI-WAN I still haven't had a chance to be really cool and heroic! Darth Silent takes advantage of the situation and hacks into the distracted Qui-Gon! OBI-WAN (cont'd) Cool. Now I finally get my chance. Obi-Wan and Darth Silent fight. Darth Silent is cooler and Obi-Wan ends up hanging over the Bottomless Pit Of Unoriginal Ideas! DARTH SILENT ...! Obi-Wan concentrates, flies up, Force-grabs Qui-Gon's glowing stick, lands in front of Darth Silent, waves his stick, and cuts the Dark Lord Of Merchandizing in half! OBI-WAN Phew! I got lucky! That idiot totally forgot to move this time! But for Qui-Gon it is too late. He dies in Obi-Wan's arms. QUI-GON Train...the...boy... He..is...an...important... character... EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, PALACE - THE NEXT DAY Palpatine and the Jedi Masters visit a free Nabooty! Palpatine walks up to Anakiddie. PALPATINE And you, young Skywalker, I shall follow your journey to the Dark Side with great interest. ANAKIDDIE Huh? PetMe and Captain Boring say goodbye to the fake aliens. CAPTAIN BORING Now we will let you mass murdering, booty-action depriving thieves and liars go, so you can explain all this to the very corrupt senate which you obviously have in your pocket! FAKE ALIEN #1 Phew! Thanks! See you in the next episode! INT. NABOOTY PALACE, TOWER - NIGHT Obi-Wan and the little green alien discuss Anakiddie's future. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Defeated bad guy after he forgot to move, you did. Promoted to rank of Jedi Knight you are. OBI-WAN What about Anakiddie? He is the Chosen One...maybe... He did fly super fast through a narrow passageway and avoided obstacles! LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Same thing with podrace already, he did that! Not good enough for us that was then. Why good enough for us this should be now? OBI-WAN Qui-Gon asked me when he died. LITTLE GREEN ALIEN Oh, okay. Your apprentice, Skywalker, will be. OBI-WAN My apprentice?! But Master Yoda, if Anakiddie is the most important person in the entire history of the Jedi Order and the Galaxy, shouldn't he be trained by a highly experienced Jedi Master, instead of by me? I mean, I've only just been promoted to Jedi Knight for goodness sake! LITTLE GREEN ALIEN A second, wait! Yoda, my name is?! Knew that, we did not! Found out finally, we did! Now what on your mind is, Obi-Wan? OBI-WAN Never mind. EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, NABOOTY PALACE, BARBEQUE - NIGHT Our friends have gathered to burn Qui-Gon to a crisp. ANAKIDDIE Why didn't Qui-Gon disappear, like the Jedi in the Original Trilogy? OBI-WAN Perhaps one day we will uncover this mystery, if anybody still cares by then... SAMUEL L. JACKSON There is no doubt that the evil looking guy was a bad guy, but how many of those are there? YODA Sith, they are called. Always two there are. No more, no less. When defeated they were, a long time ago, one survived and started Rule Of Two, in deepest secret. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Then how can you know about it? YODA Damn! Got me, you have. Just made that up, I did, to sound interesting. EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, NABOOTY PALACE, PLAZA - DAY The Nabooty people cheer as Queen PetMe ImADalek and the Jedi and the Dungans wave at them. PetMe gives Boss Nass a glowing orb. BOSS NASS Whasse isse that? PETME It's the Glowing Orb Of Unlikeliness. BOSS NASS Whasse does disse do? PETME I don't know. We will find that out in Episode 6. * *(See Episode 6: The Sixth Episode) BOSS NASS Isse bombad pretty! PETME Yes. It's bright and shiny and pretty, and apparently meaningless. The perfect symbol for this Episode! OBI-WAN Where are all the handmaidens and the guards? YODA Celebration, time for it has come. Booty-Action, part of that can be. HANDMAIDENS (O.S.) Hurray!! ANAKIDDIE When can I get some booty-action? PETME We will meet again in ten years, Anakiddie. Then you will be old enough for booty-action and we will see what we can do. ANAKIDDIE Yippee!!! FADE OUT. THE END (OR ACTUALLY: TO BE CONTINUED IN EPISODE 2: STOP! OR MY CLONE WILL SHOOT!) ---------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------- Every Episode needs a sequel... Every Saga needs a second chance... Every Hope needs a dashing... A time ago not long enough, in a galaxy firmly etched into our minds... FADE IN: EXT. SPACE A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop to the title and a roll-up, which crawls slowly and painfully into the infinity where it was spawned in the first place... STAR WARS EPISODE II STOP! OR MY CLONE WILL SHOOT! (SOMCWS) Turmoil has once again engulfed the galaxy. This time there is a mysterious Count Dooku who leads some separatists who have declared their intentions to leave the Republic and mind their own booties. The limited number of Jedi Knights is having trouble to maintain peace, order, and bad taste in the galaxy, because they are so inept and stupid. Senator PetMe, the former queen of Nabooty, returns to the CG capital to vote on the critical issue of higher taxes on booty-wax, and also to find out just what is going on with all this separatist and army stuff she's been hearing about... PAN UP Through the vast sea of stars to reveal a B-2 NABOOTY SPACE CRUISER flying towards Metropolis, the CG capital of the Republic. Then PAN DOWN Through the same vast sea of stars to reveal the B-2 Nabooty Space Cruiser turning around its axis and flying towards Metropolis the proper way this time. INT. B-2, COCKPIT PetMe debates this alarming chain of events with the captain of the ship. PETME Don't you know how to fly, you idiot?! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, we are approaching Metropolis, Senator ImADalek, former queen of Nabooty! PETME Yes, I can see that! Shouldn't I be queen for life or something? What's with this senator stuff? CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look, the stupid bitch doesn't even know that queens are elected on Nabooty! PETME They elected a fourteen year old girl as their temporary queen? The people of Nabooty are so stupid, they deserve to have their booties spanked! EXT. METROPOLIS, LANDING PLATFORM - MORNING The Nabooty Cruiser lands. Nearby two Nabooty N-1 CG fighters also land. From one of the fighters appears CAPTAIN POINTLESS, a pointless character with an eyepatch over one eye. From the other appears a petite female pilot who keeps her helmet on...who can this be? Our old friend Artoo-Detoo is also there! Then PetMe and a bunch of guards exit the B-2. PETME Where's the welcoming committee? Cheap lazy bastards! CAPTAIN POINTLESS I guess I was wrong. There was no danger at all. Unless someone forgot to check the landing platform for any bombs of course. KABOOM!!!! A bomb explodes on the landing platform! Dead and wounded are everywhere. The female pilot takes off her helmet. It's the REAL PETME! The other was just her naughty handmaiden CHOKEME! PetMe runs over to her dying double. PETME ChokeMe! No! She's dead! CHOKEME Actually, I'm still alive. PETME No! My brave decoy has been mortally injured! CHOKEME Actually, I think I might pull through. PETME No! My naughty servant girl will forever be scarred and handicapped! CHOKEME Actually, I think I'm fine. Just a bit scratched really. Sorry that I have failed you, senator. PETME Die bitch! Do your duty! PetMe starts choking ChokeMe. CHOKEME Gargl...ugh...arch... ChokeMe dies. PETME Sweet submissive ChokeMe. She died the way she always wanted to go. INT. PALPATINE'S OFFICE - DAY A bunch of Jedi are having a meeting with Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson are among them. PALPATINE I don't know how much longer I can hold off the vote, my friends. SAMUEL L. JACKSON What vote? PALPATINE I'm not sure, but I don't know how much longer I can hold it off. Master Yoda, do you really think it will come to war? YODA To war what will come? Talk about what you are? PALPATINE It's all a bit complicated. Can't you use the Force to look into deleted scenes and novelizations? Yoda concentrates. YODA Ugh. Difficult to see, deleted scenes are. The Dark Side clouds everything. SAMUEL L. JACKSON I find that very racist. YODA Huh? PALPATINE So I guess the future is in motion as always. YODA No. Clouding everything, the Dark Side is this time. SAMUEL L. JACKSON What does that mean? YODA Inconsistent, it appears to be. A mystery this is. Meditate on this we must. Then PetMe, her handmaiden DoMe, Captain Pointless, Jar Jar Stinks, some other aliens and Jimmy Smits walk in. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Wow! Jimmy Smits! Such a fan! What are you doing here? JIMMY SMITS Í'm not sure. Isn't this the set of L.A. Law: Another Reunion? YODA Senator PetMe, seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my loins, after salivating over your nude pictures for so long. PETME Do you have any idea what is going on with all this separatist stuff and this army stuff and that explosion and everything? YODA You could have first said 'thank you', you ungrateful bitch. PETME I think Count Dooku was behind the attack. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Who's Count Dooku? PETME He appears as the mysterious leader of the separatists in the opening scroll. That's very suspicious. YODA A former Jedi, Dooku supposedly is. Peaceful he has always been in that case. PETME Now I'm sure he's the bad guy! PALPATINE PetMe, you need more protection. PETME But I'm already using Factor 1138 sun-block; Always Mega-Ultra Intergalactic tampons; Quadruple Strength Super Sensitive Ribbed Curry-Flavoured condoms; and a squad of highly trained, well hung Nabooty Guards, armed with Omega Mega Nuclear Fission Supernova Planet Buster Assault Launchers for my personal protection! PALPATINE Perhaps a few Jedi could be helpful. JIMMY SMITS Is that a wise use of manpower, what with all this turmoil and stuff? SAMUEL L. JACKSON It's not like we're doing anything important. We haven't even got a clue what is going on anyway! PALPATINE Get Obi-Wan Kenobi and his emotionally unstable apprentice to guard PetMe. SAMUEL L. JACKSON That is possible. They have just returned from an adventure in a spin-off novel. PALPATINE PetMe, you must remember Obi-Wan! PETME Obi-Wan? No, not really, no. Oh wait! Was that the guy who hardly did anything in the previous Episode? INT. PETME'S APARTMENT, LIVINGROOM - DAY A bearded Obi-Wan Kenobi and a young man of about 20 years old visit PetMe in her apartment. Jar Jar Stinks, DoMe, and Captain Pointless are there too. JAR JAR Oh! Obi, Obi, Obi! OBI-WAN Jar Jar? What are you doing here? JAR JAR Mesa now politician! OBI-WAN They couldn't find anyone dumber, huh? JAR JAR Obi, youssa forget: at end of da previous episode mesa completed da journey of dessen hero! Mesa now grown up and wise. OBI-WAN That never happened! JAR JAR Hey! If good enough for da Lucas, shoulda be good enough for youssa! Obi-Wan bows before PetMe, and pinches her booty - which is the traditional Nabooty greeting. * * (See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty) OBI-WAN It's a pleasure to see your booty again, PetMe. PETME Uhm, Obi-Wan, wasn't it? Yeah, okay. My booty is fine, how is yours? (notices the other guy) Anakiddie? Is that you? My goodness you've grown! It is indeed Anakiddie Skywalker, the annoying kid from the previous episode! ANAKID So have you. Well, your booty and boobies have grown anyway. Not much, but still... PETME Oh, Anakiddie! You'll always be that little dirty boy who tried to cop a feel! They all sit down to discuss the plot. CAPTAIN POINTLESS I'm Captain Pointless. Queen JamItInYa has been informed of the start of this new episode. OBI-WAN I see you only have one eye. What happened to the other? CAPTAIN POINTLESS The senator poked it out with one of her hard, pointy... PETME It was your own fault! You shouldn't have bent over! Especially when it was so cold, but no, the brave captain needed to take a closer look! OBI-WAN We'll make sure no more nasty accidents happen, Milady. PETME First of all, the next person who calls me 'Milady' will be torn a new anus. Second, I don't need more episodes, I want to know what the plot of this episode is all about! ANAKID We will find out just what the hell is going on, PetMe. OBI-WAN Our mission is to protect her booty, not to start an investigation, my very young and inexperienced and worthless apprentice padawan flunky! ANAKID So there was this terrorist attack, and people got killed, and there isn't even going to be an investigation?! That's just stupid! OBI-WAN Who cares. We will only watch PetMe's booty. Trust me, that's a full time job. PETME Perhaps with merely your presence, the mystery surrounding this plot will be revealed. OBI-WAN The mystery surrounding this plot has already been revealed. It's the answer to the mystery we're looking for. PETME Geez, I was only trying to sound 'epic'. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll retire. OBI-WAN You're retiring as Senator? Tired of the job already? PETME Shut up. I just meant I'm going to my bedroom with DoMe, so I can spank my frustration away on her booty. EXT. METROPOLIS, BUILDING LEDGE - NIGHT Night has fallen over this side of Metropolis. A lone speeder pulls up near a ledge high above the ground. A figure, Zam WeSellToys, walks out and approaches...Boba Fett from the Original Trilogy!!! A FETT No, Í'm Jango Fett. Yeah, right. He looks like Boba Fett from the Original Trilogy! A FETT (cont'd) Put these worms in a tube; put the tube in a flying droid; send the flying droid to PetMe's bedroom window; let the droid cut a hole in the window; let the droid release the worms from the tube; then the worms can crawl to PetMe's bed and kill her...if she's in her bedroom and in her bed. ZAM WESELLTOYS Can't we just shoot a missile into her bedroom and blow the bitch up? The blowing up bit worked on the landing platform. A FETT No! That would be too easy. ZAM WESELLTOYS Can't you do all this stuff yourself, you lazy bastard? A FETT No! That would be too easy. INT. PETME'S APARTMENT, LIVINGROOM - NIGHT Meanwhile, in PetMe's apartment, Obi-Wan checks on Anakid. ANAKID It's so quiet. I haven't heard her moan or scream in hours. Obi-Wan checks a small viewing device. He can't get an image. OBI-WAN What's going on? ANAKID She covered the camera. OBI-WAN Damn! We were just getting some sign-ups for our cam-sluts website! ANAKID I've been having these dreams about my mother again. OBI-WAN I don't want to hear it. It's sick and disturbing, Anakid. ANAKID I'd rather dream of PetMe. Oh, the things I do to her in my dreams! Bwahahaha! OBI-WAN Be mindful of your thoughts Anakid, they betray you, together with your words. Also be careful of Palpatine. I read somewhere in a novelization that he is really evil. Anakid sniffs the air. ANAKID Did someone fart? OBI-WAN I sense it too... They run into Padmé's bedroom! INT. PETME'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Obi-Wan and Anakid run inside PetMe's bedroom! SHOCK! ANAKID No! Don't do that! It's not natural! For the sake of protecting the innocence of the younger readers I will refrain from telling just what kind of depraved fanboy's fantasy PetMe and Artoo-Detoo are living out in this scene, just be assured it's just not natural! PETME Oh, no! You smelled my fart! Obi-Wan needs to throw up and jumps at the window! Too bad there are blinds in front of the window, and the window itself is made from extra-strenght double glass. BANG! OBI-WAN Aarch! ANAKID What's that?! PETME It's called a nipple, Anakiddie. ANAKID No, that! Anakid points outside. A flying droid flies away from another part of the building. OBI-WAN It could be a clue. We must follow it! Obi-Wan pulls up the blinds, opens the window, jumps out, and hangs on to the flying droid, which takes him away into the traffic. While Anakid runs away to get some transportation, DoMe and Captain Pointless come running into the bedroom. DOME Help! Some ugly worm attacked me in my sleep! PETME Captain Pointless! I told you not to assault my handmaidens any more! Only I am allowed to do that! DOME No, it was a big worm! PETME Jar Jar Stinks! You bastard! EXT. METROPOLIS, CITY - NIGHT Obi-Wan hangs on to the flying droid, but then the droid is shot by Zam WeSellToys. ZAM WESELLTOYS I could have just shot that guy who was hanging underneath, but that would have been too easy. Obi-Wan lands in an ugly, yellow, open speeder, piloted by Anakid! OBI-WAN What took you so long? ANAKID I had to find a speeder I really liked, with the right speed capabilities, the right color, enough fuel, good insurance, a cd player, surround stereo, one of those little computers that tell you where to go, etc. etc. etc. OBI-WAN Your wit is as lousy as Yoda's skills as a swordsman! ANAKID Yes, somebody should tell Yoda he looks really stupid when he bounces around waving his little saber. It's embarrassing! They fly through a bunch of power-couplings. OBI-WAN Anakid! How many times have I told you to watch out for those power couplings?! ANAKID Never! OBI-WAN Now we've lost him. Let's just go find a bar and get drunk. INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT Obi-Wan and Anakid enter a nightclub. Anakid checks out several video-games that are displayed on monitors. ANAKID Ah, the new podrace game is out! OBI-WAN The Force is tingling inside of me. The assassin might be in here. ANAKID I think he's a she, and a shapeshifter. OBI-WAN I doubt it. This isn't Star Trek. Go check out the hookers, I'm going to get a drink. Anakid starts walking away. OBI-WAN (cont'd) Wait. Your lightsaber, you won't need it. Anakid thinks about this for a moment, then decides this isn't some Dark Side cave and walks on to check out some hookers. Obi-Wan sighs and orders a drink. GREEDO Going somewhere, Solo? OBI-WAN Sorry, you have the wrong person. GREEDO Whoops, sorry. Bored, Obi-Wan switches on his lightsaber and swings around. OBI-WAN Look everybody! I'm cool! ZAM WESELLTOYS Aaarch! ANAKID Wow! You've captured the assassin! OBI-WAN What a coincidence! Uhm, I mean, yeah, the Force guided me, and stuff. They drag her outside. EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT Time for an expert Jedi interrogation. ANAKID Are you a shapeshifter? ZAM WESELLTOYS Yes. OBI-WAN Lame! The way you used and not used your shape-shifting capabilities was ridiculous! Only a completely idiotic shapeshifter would shapeshift and not shapeshift in the way you did in this episode! ZAM WESELLTOYS No. It's symbolic for the dual identities and stuff. ANAKID Tell us who is responsible for this crap! Tell us now!!! ZAM WESELLTOYS It was just the writer of this crap...Aarch! Zam has been shot by a poison dart! OBI-WAN Look over there! It's Boba Fett, from the Original Trilogy! ANAKID It could be someone else. OBI-WAN Oh, come on! He looked just like Boba Fett! INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - THE NEXT DAY Obi-Wan and Anakid consult with the Jedi Council. YODA The point of that whole Zam shapeshifting thing, what was, if she did not use it to change appearance to evade you, but did use it when she sent droid to do her job, so seen she expected not to be? OBI-WAN I suspect it was the work of someone called 'The Writer Of This Crap'. Anyway, we found a dart. YODA Playing darts, time for it we have not! Track down this killer you must, Obi-Wan! OBI-WAN So after the first assassination attempt, which caused the deaths of a bunch of people, you didn't feel the need for an investigation. But now suddenly you do?! SAMUEL L. JACKSON Shut up. Anakid, use public transportation to take PetMe to her home planet and visit the Nabooty Royal Palace, and maybe even her parents. That way nobody will be able to find her. ANAKID That's just stupid. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Then go to Palpatine and be seduced to the Dark Side, damned! You disrespectful boy! ANAKID Okay. INT. PALPATINE'S OFFICE - DAY Anakid meets Palpatine in his office. PALPATINE You will go to PetMe's apartment and wait there. She will come with you. ANAKID She will come with me? PALPATINE I have foreseen it. INT. JEDI TEMPLE, FAKE BACKGROUND - DAY Obi-Wan meets with Yoda and Samuel. OBI-WAN Anakid is a danger to us all and must be terminated. YODA Anakid will do fine. You have trained him well. OBI-WAN Oh well, if he screws up at least I won't have to feel guilty. SAMUEL L. JACKSON He could be the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force. OBI-WAN Can't we just forget about that nonsense? It's so pointless. YODA Epic it is. OBI-WAN Stupid it is. INT. PETME'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - LATER While DoMe is packing, PetMe talks to Jar Jar, as Anakid watches. PETME You will now replace me in the senate, Jar Jar. I'm sure you'll do the right thing should we find out just what is going on with all this separatist and army stuff. JAR JAR Muy, muy! Mesa always wanted to form an empire! Now is mesa chance! ANAKID What's with the chairs around your bed? PETME Those are for my handmaidens, so that they can watch me, and assist me whenever I need some extra hands. Boy! You've certainly grown. ANAKID No, it's just the way my trousers fold up! Really! PETME Don't grow up too fast, Anakiddie. ANAKID You just said that I had grown up! Make up your damn mind! And don't call me Anakiddie anymore, it's Anakid! Obi-Wan sucks, he does not let me move on, the bastard! It's not fair! PETME Damn, you really need some booty action. EXT. METROPOLIS, AIRPORT - DAY PetMe and Anakid and Artoo-Detoo are about to leave. DOME I'm a bit worried that I'll get killed, now that I'm supposed to be your decoy double. PETME Perhaps the assassin has better things to do, like spending quality time with his identical normal growth clone son, and will give up this killing job. ANAKID Don't worry, we have Artoo with us. PETME Yes, it's not like he's busy doing anything in this episode. They depart for Nabooty! INT. DINER - DAY Obi-Wan visits his old CG friend Dex, who we've never seen before of course, in a diner from a galaxy not so far away. DROID WAITRESS Do you want some Jawa juice? OBI-WAN No, thanks. Us Jedi are not really allowed to have sex. DEX What do you want to know, you stupid Jedi? OBI-WAN I need to know where this dart came from. The droids in the temple didn't recognize it, and I'm not even going to ask some stupid experienced Jedi Master. DEX It's got no symbols on it, but I recognize these scratches, they're like symbols. This dart was bought in Hanks Sports And Leisure Store. OBI-WAN That's not very helpful. DEX Perhaps you should go to Kamino to get some vacation and get your mind off things. They've got these cool weather effects and weird aliens. INT. FREIGHTER Anakid and PetMe are having lunch on board the freighter that will take them to Nabooty. PETME It must suck to be a Jedi. Traveling all over the galaxy, kicking booty, waving your glowing stick, levitating stuff... ANAKID And not getting any booty-action... PETME Are you allowed to have booty action? I thought that was forbidden for a Jedi. ANAKID It's okay if you don't tell anyone. Really! PETME You've changed so much. ANAKID You are still the same as you have always been in my wet dreams, only with smaller boobies. PETME Sicko. INT. JEDI TEMPLE, LIBRARY - DAY Obi-Wan needs some help. Some old bitch approaches him. OLD BITCH You need help, Master Kenobi? (deleted scene) You need help, Master Kenobi? OBI-WAN I can't find Kamino on the star map. OLD BITCH If it's not on our map, it doesn't exist. OBI-WAN Can't we look on some other map? After all, this is the center of a galactic civilization. I'm sure there are many different star-maps to be found on this planet. It's got to be on some of them! OLD BITCH No. That's too complicated. Let's just pretend the planet doesn't exist. INT. JEDI TEMPLE, TRAINING VERANDA - DAY Obi-Wan does not give up this easily! He goes to ask Yoda, who's training some kids. YODA Yes, use the Force you must. Stand so close to each other you must not. Cut off each other's heads with lightsabers you could. OBI-WAN Wow! He's so wise! I wish Yoda had trained me. YODA Trained you I did. OBI-WAN No, Qui-Gon Jinn trained me. YODA Trained you as a little padawan I did, like train I do these children. All Jedi kids I train at some point, including you. OBI-WAN I didn't know that. YODA Obvious that is, from seeing me train these kids in this scene. OBI-WAN No, it's not. Anyway, I can't find a planet on this map. YODA Hmm, gravity scan indicates planet should be there, but planet is missing! Where could it be? KID Where it should be, in order to effect everything else with its gravity? YODA Wow! Very good! KID It was pretty obvious. YODA Truly remarkable, the mind of a child is. Not so clouded as ours. KID Or so totally demented. Someone must have erased the planet. YODA Only a Jedi could have done that, but which one? OBI-WAN Back in the library there was this bust of Dooku, a former Jedi who now happens to be the leader of the separatists. It stood right behind me, and I even discussed him with that old bitch in a deleted scene. This could indicate that he deleted the planet. YODA No. That would be too easy. Dangerous and disturbing, this mystery is. Meditate on this I will. Investigation, I will not launch. KID Idiot. EXT. NABOOTY, THONG CITY, ROYAL PALACE - DAY Anakid, PetMe, and Artoo-Detoo have arrived on Nabooty and visit the Royal Palace in Thong City - the tightest and sexiest capital in the Galaxy. PASSERS BY Look! It's PetMe! Our famous former queen and now our senator! PETME Damn! I knew I should have used my Wookiee disguise. INT. NABOOTY ROYAL PALACE, THRONE ROOM - DAY They meet with the new queen of Nabooty, JamItInYa, and several other dignitaries, including Sio Biblical. ANAKID You look like a frigging clown! JAMITINYA Shut up! Or I will spank you silly! SIO BIBLICAL Have you figured out what all this stuff about separatists, armies, votes and all that is all about? PETME No. I fear the plot will forever remain hidden in deleted scenes and be clouded by poor writing. JAMITINYA Did you and this kid have some booty-action? If he needs some, just let me know! And if he gives you any trouble, we shall spank him senseless! PETME BangMe?! Is that you? The queen is fake! It is PetMe's former double decoy, BangMe: the nastiest and most experienced handmaiden on Nabooty! * * (See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty) BANGME Yes, it's me. The real queen JamItInYa is chained up in the dungeon. She required some more spanking lessons. She's so inexperienced! PETME Tell her I said hi. BANGME Will do, and then I'll spank her hard for not being here to meet you in person! SIO BIBLICAL So where are you going now? ANAKID Can't we visit your parents? * *(See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty) PETME I'm afraid I still haven't found them. I suspect they live in a deleted scene. ANAKID Perhaps we'll find them in the next episode. INT. KAMINO Meanwhile Obi-Wan has arrived on Kamino for a well deserved vacation. Lama Su and Taun We, his hosts, welcome him and show him the accommodations. OBI-WAN I'm a bit disappointed with the sunny beaches that were advertised in the brochure. LAMA SU We're glad you're here. The clone army that was ordered by Sifo-Dyas is ready. OBI-WAN I think you have me confused with someone else. I have never heard of any Sifo-Dyas and nobody I know has ordered any clones. LAMA SU If you're a Jedi, then the clones are for you. OBI-WAN Oh well, never look a given horse in the mouth! Thanks! LAMA SU That will be five zillion Kaminoan Dollars, please. OBI-WAN What?! I only have Republic Credits! LAMA SU Republic Credits are no good out here. I need something more real. OBI-WAN (mindtricking) Republic Credits will do fine. LAMA SU No, they won't! OBI-WAN (mindtricking) You should go home and rethink your direction in life. LAMA SU I'm already home! OBI-WAN (mindtricking) Move along! LAMA SU We'll move along once you've paid us! OBI-WAN Damn! Uhm...We can't pay for the clones right now because...the Dark Side of the Force is clouding the Financial Side, and is limiting our abilities to see into our bank account. LAMA SU We're getting impatient! Obi-Wan must think of something! This is going wrong! OBI-WAN Are all the clones completed? LAMA SU No, not all of them. OBI-WAN Perhaps you can explain that to Yoda when he arrives. LAMA SU Yoda is coming here?! OBI-WAN Yes, prime minister, and he will be most displeased with your lack of progress when he arrives. LAMA SU We will double our efforts! OBI-WAN I hope so for your sake, prime minister. Yoda is not as forgiving as I am. INT. KAMINO, CLONE CENTER The Kaminoans show Obi-Wan the clones. They all look the same - like a tough and dangerous man. LAMA SU We thought we could clone a playmate or a super model, but Sifo Dyas insisted on a rough, muscular, handsome man. OBI-WAN Hmmm, I like them! LAMA SU I knew it. OBI-WAN Who was the template? LAMA SU Some Fett guy. He wanted an unaltered, normal growth clone son as payment. Interesting, isn't it? OBI-WAN No. Why should that be interesting? LAMA SU The son's name is Boba Fett. Get it? Boba Fett from the Original Trilogy! OBI-WAN Is he going to do anything interesting? LAMA SU No. OBI-WAN Then who cares? EXT. NABOOTY, SUMMER HOUSE - DAY PetMe and Anakid arrive at PetMe's summer house in a little gondola, steered by some guy. They are welcomed by two servant girls. PETME Thanks mister. Damn, I forgot his name. I'll have to look it up in the Nabooty action-figure archives. And these will be our servant girls during our stay here: Xenophobia and AnalEntré. Xenophobia doesn't really like outsiders, and watch out for AnalEntré. She has a 'give', not 'take' philosophy. ANAKID It's beautiful here. PETME Yes. When I was jailbait we used to come here and skinny dip and lie in the sand and let the old guys from the village take pictures of us. ANAKID I don't like old guys. They're rough and they get everywhere. Unlike you, you're so smooth. Anakid touches PetMe. PETME A little lower please. I've got this terrible rash and it's itching like crazy. INT. KAMINO, A FETT APARTMENT Taun We and Obi-Wan visit the Fett family. Little Boba opens the door. OBI-WAN You're Boba Fett? Aren't you a little young for a bounty hunter? TAUN WE When the time of the Original Trilogy arrives, he will be just the right age to be able to do all the athletic stuff he does in those episodes! OBI-WAN What athletic stuff?! Jango walks in. TAUN WE Ah, Jango. Was your trip productive? A FETT No. I didn't get to kill the bitch. I got tired and gave up. I wanted to spend some quality time with my normal growth clone son instead. I hope my master won't mind. OBI-WAN Who's your master? A FETT Some guy named Tyranus. OBI-WAN Another bad guy?! This is getting too complicated. I must ask Yoda for help! After Obi and Taun have left, A Fett turns to his identical, unaltered, normal growth, pointless son. A FETT Pack our things. We must leave in a hurry. EXT. KAMINO, LANDING PLATFORM Obi-Wan is about to leave. TAUN WE Thanks and goodbye. Come again! OBI-WAN Next time I need to get a better travel agency. It has constantly rained! INT. JEDI TEMPLE, YODA'S ROOM Obi-Wan now asks Yoda and Sam for help with the help of his astromech droid that was cut in half and fixed to his fighter. OBI-WAN (hologram) I still haven't figured out what all this business with separatists and stuff is about, and now we have these clones thrown into the mix! They look like Stormtroopers from the Original Trilogy! SAMUEL L. JACKSON Are they real? OBI-WAN (hologram) No, master. They are Computer Animated. YODA Capture this Fett guy you must, Obi Wan. Too unoriginal he is. SAMUEL L. JACKSON We should inform the senate that our ability to use the Force has been diminished. YODA Huh? Never established it was that we could see everything everywhere all the time. Limited our abilities have not been! SAMUEL L. JACKSON But Yoda, what about this stuff about the Chosen One who will bring Balance to the Force one day, because the Dark Side has become more powerful than the Light Side and is clouding our abilities at this time, and may soon lead to our destruction? YODA What about it? Not an issue, in Original Trilogy all that stuff was. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Okay. Forget about it. EXT. NABOOTY, SUMMER HOUSE, GRASS - DAY Meanwhile Anakid and PetMe are having a picknick. ANAKID Did you ever have booty-action? PETME Yes. I was twelve and he was older. He was so nice and cute, and he gave me lots of presents. I went with him, but then he forced me into a life of vice. It took me months before I could escape that loverboy! I have been unable to be close with a man ever since. Only the warm, gentle touch of a woman has been able to comfort me. ANAKID When I'm older, I want to be a dictator and torture and disfigure my own children. PETME Oh, Anakiddie! You're making fun of me! ANAKID Come here bitch! I want to roll around in the grass with you! PETME Don't touch me! You creep! Can't we just play 'The Sound Of Music' instead? Yes, of course they can... INT. SUMMER HOUSE, DINING ROOM OF DISASTER - EVENING After the musical fun, it's time for diner. ANAKID And when that didn't work, we chopped them up with our lightsabers, bwahahaha! PETME Ugh. Psycho. AnalEntré brings in desert: some fruit. ANAKID Thank you. Anakid levitates a piece of fruit, cuts it, and levitates it straight into PetMe's mouth. PetMe chokes on the piece! PETME Gargl..ugh..glll... Anakid uses the awesome Force-Un-Choke trick to save PetMe's life!! She recovers. PETME (cont'd) Arch! The terrible taste! AnalEntré, you bitch! Where did you stick that fruit in?! Ugh! Bleh! INT. SUMMER HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, FIRE PLACE - NIGHT After some toothbrushing, Anakid and PetMe get comfortable. PetMe has her dominatrix outfit on. ANAKID From the moment I met you, all these years ago, I wanted to have booty-action with you. And now that I'm older, we can finally do it, just like you promised me ten years ago. * * (See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty) PETME Stop it Anakid! If you follow your thoughts through to conclusion, you will see that it will take us to a place we cannot go! ANAKID Okay. We can just do it here, if the bedroom is not available. PETME No, I can't have booty-action with you. Remember my traumatic experience when I was twelve? I'm only comfortable with women! ANAKID Then what's with the whole sexy dominatrix outfit? You teasing bitch! PETME That's for the spanking sessions. I'm okay with spanking. I thought I could spank you in the traditional Nabooty manner. ANAKID I'm going to my bedroom now, before your spanking destroys my booty. INT. ANAKID'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Anakid has another dream. He's tossing and turning in his bed... ANAKID Oh, mom, no, mom, aah! EXT. BALCONY - MORNING PetMe finds Anakid on the balcony. PETME I heard you spanking it last night. You sick bastard! You were wet dreaming about your mother! ANAKID Jedi don't masturbate, they levitate. PETME That's just disgusting. ANAKID I must go to Tatooine and visit my mother. PETME Tatooine again! It's such a boring place! EXT. KAMINO, ANOTHER LANDING PLATFORM - DAY Obi-Wan confronts the two Fetts! A FETT Hey! I thought you left yesterday! OBI-WAN Yes, I've been hiding outside in the rain all night, working up the courage to face you! A FETT Then I guess it's a good thing it took us all night to get our things packed to leave in a hurry! They fight! Thanks to his Jedi super powers Obi-Wan has soon defeated Fett. A FETT (cont'd) This is not fair. I don't have any Jedi powers. OBI-WAN Okay. We'll start over then, and this time I won't use Force-Push and Pull. They fight again! This time the Fetts escape. OBI-WAN (cont'd) Oh! Not good! EXT. TATOOINE, TUNESIA - DAY Anakid and PetMe and Artoo (he's back!) arrive on Tatooine, and visit Watto, Anakid's former slave master. ANAKID I always dreamt about coming back here and free my mother and the other slaves. PETME Now's your chance, as a Jedi! They meet Watto. ANAKID I'm looking for my mother, Shmut Skywalker. WATTO Oh yes, Shmut. I sold her and the guy freed her and married her and now they live in the homestead from the Original Trilogy! ANAKID That saved some screentime. PETME What about the other slaves? Are you going to free them? ANAKID Ah, screw them! EXT. SPACE, ASTEROID FIELD Obi-Wan chases the Fetts, who fly in their mighty unoriginal Slave-1! OBI-WAN Aha! An asteroid chase! I've seen how these are done in the Original Trilogy. This will be easy! Indeed, Obi-Wan is able to evade the rocks and then hides on the backside of an asteroid. The Fetts think he's gone! OBI-WAN (cont'd) Just like Han Solo hid on the backside of a Star Destroyer in the Original Trilogy! I was wise to watch those movies, or else I might have been killed! EXT. GEONOSIS - NIGHT Obi-Wan flies his fighter straight over the Geonosian city, observing many spaceships parked at the site. Of course Geonosian Air-Defense notices him! He is shot down! Oh No! OBI-WAN This isn't how it's supposed to go! EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY Anakid and PetMe have found the Original Trilogy homestead. C-3PO Master Anakid! My creator! It is you! It is you! ANAKID My son. At last we are reunited. UNCLE OWEN Hi. I'm uncle Owen, and this is my girlfriend aunt Beru. AUNT BERU Hello. PETME I'd love to chat with you. AUNT BERU ... PETME Whoops. All out of lines, huh? CLIEGG I'm Cliegg. I'm the bastard who bought your mother. The bitch told me she loved me, so I took off her shackles and I wanted to marry her, but then she ran away with all my money! She joined some Tusken biker gang! ANAKID Typical. I'll go look for her. EXT. TATOOINE, TUSKEN BIKER GANG CAMP - NIGHT After a search, Anakid has found his mother. She is tied up in a tent, beaten up. ANAKID Mom, what happened?! SHMUT I'm okay. It's just a bit of Sado Masochistic stuff. These bikers are wild! ANAKID Let's get out of here! SHMUT No. I must die now. The pink monkeys command me to. ANAKID No, don't! SHMUT It's too late. The drugs...too much...overdose... I...have...earned...my... paycheck... Shmut dies. Anakid goes crazy and goes outside. He starts killing the Tusken bikers! INT. JEDI TEMPLE, YODA'S ROOM Yoda senses something. FANBOY'S VOICE No! Lucas! No, don't, noooo!! YODA Pain, I sense, terrible pain! In danger, the Original Editions of the Original Trilogy are. Something terrible has happened. Replaced with Special Editions, I fear they have been... INT. GEONOSIS CITY, CONFERENCE ROOM Obi-Wan, after successfully avoiding capture, has snuck into the city, and listens in on an important meeting. COUNT DOOKU Now we must join forces with more cartoon characters, then nothing in the universe will stop us from having our own merchandizing empire! FAKE ALIEN #1 What about PetMe? Is she dead? COUNT DOOKU I had complete faith in the assassin I hired, too bad he turned out to be an idiot who just gave up and went home to spend quality time with his annoying clone son! CARTOON CHARACTER We will join you, as long as we get to have a spin-off cartoon series. Obi-Wan has heard enough. He sneaks outside to send a message to his friends. INT. PETME'S SHIP (TATOOINE) - MORNING Artoo is inside PetMe's ship, which is parked close to the homestead. He receives Obi-Wan's message. OBI-WAN (hologram) Give this message to Anakid! Artoo stays where he is. If nobody is going to let him do anything cool in this episode, he's certainly not going to deliver any urgent messages on time! INT. HOMESTEAD, GARAGE - DAY Anakid has returned with his dead mother. In the garage he needs to get rid of his frustrations! PETME I brought my whip. Shall I whip and spank the frustration out of you? ANAKID Why did she have to die?! PETME Anakiddie, what's wrong? ANAKID What do you mean, 'what's wrong?' My mother is dead, you stupid bitch! What do you think is wrong?! PETME Oh, yeah, stupid question. ANAKID I killed them all. The bikers, and the fanboys, and the critics too! I hate them! They're like Ewoks, and I slaughtered them like Ewoks! PETME Okay... I'm going away now. You just stay here, and I'll be back soon with some nice people in uniform who are going to take you with them and ask you a few questions, okay? Oh no! PetMe is going to call the cops! Anakid is in trouble! He must do something! Only a mindtrick can save Anakid now!! ANAKID (mindtricking) You will not call the cops. PETME I will not call the cops. ANAKID You feel sorry for me. PETME I feel sorry for you. ANAKID It's okay. I'm only human. PETME It's okay. You're only human. ANAKID Let me touch your booty and cop a feel for comfort. PETME Here. Touch my booty and cop a feel for comfort. ANAKID Oh, yeah. I'm good. EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY Everybody has gathered around Shmut's grave. PetMe is dressed in the traditional Nabooty funeral clothes: a tight white jumpsuit with matching scarf and a designer blaster strapped to her leg. ANAKID I won't fail again, mom. I promise I will save the Original Editions of the Original Trilogy from destruction. Then Artoo finally delivers the message. PETME Artoo-Detoo! You lazy droid! We had our chat in the garage, dug Shmut's grave, carved a tombstone, buried her, and said are goodbyes, and only now do you deliver the super urgent message! Anakid, PetMe, Artoo, and C-3PO get in the ship. INT. PETME'S SHIP (TATOOINE) The message is played. OBI-WAN (hologram) Count Dooku is the bad guy...I think... He has joined forces with cartoon characters and is producing thousands of life-size action figures! INT. PALPATINE'S OFFICE The message is also played in Palpatine's office, where everybody important just happened to be. PALPATINE No, no. This happens a bit later, but is simply shown simultaneously to save time. YODA Inconsistent with rest of Saga this is. Always in correct chronological order, scenes have been. JIMMY SMITS We must go to war. It's the coolest thing to do. PALPATINE Yes. We need some action. But first we will need to establish a dictatorship to be able to use our CG army. EXT. TATOOINE, HOMESTEAD - DAY Cliegg, Owen, and Beru stand outside when they suddenly see PetMe's ship taking off! CLIEGG They left without saying goodbye! UNCLE OWEN They took C-3PO! Stop! Thieves! INT. GEONOSIS, DUNGEON Obi-Wan hangs in a blue special effect. Count Dooku pays him a visit... COUNT DOOKU I explained the plot to the Jedi Council, but they wouldn't listen. OBI-WAN Then explain it again in another conference room scene later in this episode. COUNT DOOKU No, I will have that scene deleted! It's a pity our paths have never crossed, despite the fact that your master, Qui-Gon Jinn, was once my apprentice. OBI-WAN I don't believe you. COUNT DOOKU It's true. We have a history, from a certain point of view. OBI-WAN The point of view that this is the first time I have heard this! COUNT DOOKU Join me Obi-Wan, and together we will destroy the Special Editions! OBI-WAN Sounds like a good idea. Okay. COUNT DOOKU Uhm, no. I was just speaking 'epic'. I didn't mean it. OBI-WAN Oh, okay. INT. PETME'S SHIP (GEONOSIS) Our friends have landed on Geonosis and have hidden their ship in a huge shaft on a conveniently placed landing platform. PETME Let me do the talking and stay calm. Perhaps we can find a diplomatic solution. ANAKID Okay. They exit the ship and enter a building. INT. GEONOSIS, CORRIDOR Anakid and PetMe walk through a corridor. Behind them loads of CG Geonosians crawl and make silly noises! PETME What's that noise? ANAKID I don't hear anything. I'll use my super sensitive Force senses to scan the area for trouble. It works! Anakid notices the many Geonosians who stand right behind him making silly noises! Anakid starts slashing the beings! ANAKID (cont'd) You call this a diplomatic solution? PETME We could have had a diplomatic solution if you hadn't started killing all these innocent people! INT. GEONOSIS, ACTION FIGURE FACTORY Anakid, PetMe, Artoo-Detoo, and C-3PO arrive in a giant action figure factory and get suckered into the production of a videogame. Soon however, Anakid and PetMe are captured. INT. METROPOLIS, SENATE The moment of truth has arrived. JAR JAR Mesa gonna help Palpatine form da Empire! PALPATINE I promise you I will use my dictatorial powers to lower the taxes on booty-wax... Everybody cheers! PALPATINE (cont'd) ...and form an evil Empire. Everybody is still cheering, so nobody hears him. SAMUEL L. JACKSON It is done then. I'll go to Geonosis and kick some ass. It's about time! YODA Go to Kamino I will, and check out clones. Should have done this sooner, I suppose. Hope nobody else has picked them up in our name, I do. Also hope I can fly to Kamino, talk to Kaminoans, pay them, find transportation, load clones into transports, fly to Geonosis, form battle plan, and deploy troops in time to save your sorry ass I do! INT. GEONOSIS, TUNNEL OF LOVE - DAY Anakid and PetMe are on a cart in a tunnel. ANAKID Don't be afraid. They're only going to slaughter us in an entertaining way. PETME I'm not afraid. I've been dying a bit each day since we met again. You're so terrible! If only HurtMe was here! My favourite handmaiden! Oh HurtMe, HurtMe! Anakid is annoyed with this lesbo stuff. ANAKID (mindtricking) You love me. PETME I love you. ANAKID (mindtricking) You want to be with me forever. PETME I want to be with you forever. That won't be difficult, because they're about to die!!! EXT. GEONOSIS, ARENA - DAY Anakid and PetMe are chained to poles in the middle of an arena! Obi-Wan is also chained to a pole! ANAKID We can use the Force to open the chains! OBI-WAN No! That would be too easy. PETME I'm sure they'll release us from the chains so we can try to run away from their big, hungry animals, so that the spectators get some enjoyment. COUNT DOOKU No! That would be too obvious. We'll just leave you chained up and let the animals come to you. This happens, but of course our heroes manage to break free from their chains! Like a good host, Dooku explains the action to his guests. COUNT DOOKU (cont'd) As you can see the Arena Beast Sequence is symbolic for the loss of innocence of the characters, especially PetMe's. She entered the arena through the vulva-shaped entrance and was chained to a phallic-shaped pole. She then climbed up to the top - or head if you will - and lost part of her virgin-white symbolic tight clothing by being attacked by a giant pussy. Her adult cravings got the best of her. The giant pussy was then slain by Anakid on a horned animal - symbol of his testosterone-laden masculinity. Urged on by the man, PetMe then jumped from the phallic-symbol in her white suit - ejaculating as you will - and landed crotch first on top of the man-symbol-beast and - as a sign of acceptance and submissiveness - sat behind her future husband and kissed him gently as a reward. Then they rode off together. All was well, until the other, more experienced man - the master - sat behind her and touched her booty, threatening to take control of the situation away from the young man. This whole symbolic thing will have its continuation later. PETME So that's why this turns me on. FAKE ALIEN #1 I don't want her excited! I want her dead! A Fett, kill her! A Fett moves forward... SLASH!!! A Fett is dead! Samuel L. Jackson has killed him! OBI-WAN Hey! I was supposed to kill him! I had this macho thing going on with him! SAMUEL L. JACKSON Shut up! I'm cooler than you! To demonstrate this point Sam also kills little Boba Fett! SAMUEL L. JACKSON (cont'd) Die bitch! COUNT DOOKU You can't do that! Boba is needed in the Original Trilogy! SAMUEL L. JACKSON Just use another clone. They all look the same and besides, you never get to see Boba's face in the Original Trilogy anyway. COUNT DOOKU Oh, yeah. Good point, master Windu. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Windu? Who's Windu? COUNT DOOKU You are. Your character's name is Mace Windu. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Cool. Now this episode is over, you sad bunch of mofos! A whole bunch of Jedi Knights enters the arena! They jump around and wave their glowing sticks! Our friends are saved! COUNT DOOKU I don't think so. Suddenly loads of CG droids enter the arena and start killing the Jedi! CG Geonosians join the battle! CG droids and Geonosians fight real and CG Jedi Knights! C-3PO and Artoo-Detoo are there too! C-3PO Help me Artoo! Or else I'm going to make gay jokes! It's too late, but in the end Artoo saves his friend. Well, at least he got to do something! ANAKID You call this a diplomatic solution? PETME No! I call this CG overkill! Soon only a few Jedi, and Anakid, and PetMe survive. They will soon have their booties spanked for the very last time... Then Yoda and the CG clones come flying in with CG helicopters! They're saved again! YODA Battle other CG army you must, my CG army! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS And look! It's the Attack Of The Clones! EXT. GEONOSIS, BATTLEFIELD - DAY The CG army battles the CG army, while CG Jedi and other CG things also fight and do stuff! CG CLONETROOPER The CG army has been surrounded and is in full retreat, Master Yoda. YODA Damn! Lost, we have! CG CLONETROOPER No, I mean the other CG army. YODA Oh, good. Won, we have then! INT. CG HELICOPTER Meanwhile in their helicopter, Obi-Wan, Anakid, and PetMe follow Count Dooku, who flies a silly speederbike. Then the helicopter is hit! PetMe and a clonetrooper fall out! PETME Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!! ANAKID PetMe!!!! OBI-WAN Forget about her. Her booty is too distracting. ANAKID No! I want booty-action with her! OBI-WAN Come to your senses! What would she do in your place?! ANAKID She would petition to have the Original Original Trilogy released on DVD. They fly on. EXT. GEONOSIS, DUNES - DAY Luckily PetMe fell on some conveniently located sand dunes on this rocky planet. Sadly, she's in pain. PETME Aarch! My back is broken! CG CLONETROOPER Are you alright? PetMe jumps up. PETME Sure. No problem. Let's go to that hangar! CG CLONETROOPER What hangar? PETME The hangar Count Dooku and my friends are flying to. CG CLONETROOPER I can't see it from here. Are you sure they're flying to a hangar? PETME Where else would Dooku go to? A ship hidden in the desert, or under ground? No, he must have placed his ship in a secret hangar in some mountain, far away from the other hangars, so it's not too easy to reach. CG CLONETROOPER How do you know which hangar we need to go to? PETME Oh! We'll just pick one! CG CLONETROOPER So you don't really know which hangar they are in, or even if they're in a hangar at all? PETME Okay. You win. Now let's go looking for them. INT. SECRET HANGAR Dooku is about to enter his ship, when Anakid and Obi-Wan come running in. ANAKID You will pay for all the deleted scenes and initial intentions and ideas that never made it into this episode, Dooku! COUNT DOOKU Young fool. Only with the DVD and novelization and rationalizations will you be able to defeat the nonsense. Now back down. I'm better than you. To demonstrate his superior skills Dooku injures Obi-Wan, then he fights Anakin. ANAKID You won't turn me to the Dark Side, no matter how much you tempt me! Even if I have tasted the power of the Dark Side before and slaughtered a bunch of people! You will not make me lose my mind now, no matter how hard you try! COUNT DOOKU Good. I won't try then. ANAKID Huh? No dramatic fight? Dooku takes advantage of Anakid's confusion and chops off one of his arms. ANAKID (cont'd) Ouch. Anakid is down too! COUNT DOOKU This lack of drama involving the main character has made me tired. I will leave now. YODA So fast, you must not be, Dooku. Yoda walks in! COUNT DOOKU Yoda. I hope you don't want to fight me with a lightsaber. That would look silly. YODA With the Force, we shall play then. They play around with the Force a bit. COUNT DOOKU It is obvious that our fighting serves no purpose. The climactic fight scene should involve the main character in a dramatic way, so that he may be further developed. YODA Fight you, I will! Yaaaaah!!!! Yoda whips out his little lightsaber, jumps up, flip flops, twirls, bounces and slashes! Soon however, he gets tired. YODA (cont'd) Fought well you have, my old Padawan! COUNT DOOKU Fought insanely stupid and ridiculous you have, my old Master! Hey, hang on! I didn't know I was once your padawan! YODA Say that to everyone I fight, for no good reason I do. COUNT DOOKU You disgrace me with your pointless presence, silly antics, and meaningless dialogue, Yoda. I will leave now. YODA Okay. Bye. Dooku gets in his ship and flies away. PetMe runs in. PETME Did I miss anything? OBI-WAN No. In fact, you're very lucky you didn't get to see that. Praise yourself lucky, girl! INT. METROPOLIS, SECRET SITH PLACE - TWILIGHT Count Dooku has arrived in the secret Sith place, where his master the ROTJ Emperor * awaits him. * (See Episode 1: The Perils Of Queen ImADalek Of Nabooty) COUNT DOOKU I bring good news, my master. The episode is almost over. ROTJ EMPEROR Well done, lord Tyranus. Everything is going as planned. COUNT DOOKU Well...everything except for the fact that the bounty hunter I hired to kill PetMe happened to use a dart that was recognized by some guy who happened to know Obi-Wan; and that Obi-Wan then discovered the clone army before you had the Military Creation Act passed in the Senate; and before my droid army was fully completed and spread out over the Galaxy; and that this army was discovered and part of it was destroyed, as well as many droid factories; and that I almost got killed in the process. But, yes, apart from all that everything went according to plan. ROTJ EMPEROR No. All those things were part of my plan. I had foreseen it all. COUNT DOOKU Oh, come on! That's just stupid! ROTJ EMPEROR Okay, so I just said a throw-away bad guy line! What do you want to hear? 'Everything is going according to plan, except for the things that didn't go according to plan, but we adapted our strategy and came out as the winners anyway'? COUNT DOOKU Yeah, that would be fine with me. ROTJ EMPEROR You still have much to learn about throw-away lines, my evil apprentice. INT. JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - TWILIGHT Obi-Wan meets with Samuel L. Jackson and Yoda. SAMUEL L. JACKSON Where is your apprentice? OBI-WAN He's taking PetMe back to Nabooty. I only hope they don't have any booty-action. He said something about that I think. Have you discovered what all this stuff about separatists, and armies and all that was all about? SAMUEL L. JACKSON The Prequels have become unreliable. It's best we just go with the flow. YODA Begun, this clone war, has. OBI-WAN Weren't there supposed to be Clone Wars? I remember saying something like that in an upcoming episode. YODA Semantics, matter they do not anymore. SAMUEL L. JACKSON So it's called the clone war. Who came up with this? Did this person know there was going to be a war, and did he name it in advance, only so he could refer to it later and look cool? YODA No. Made it up just now, I did. Sounds cool, does it not? Clone war... Nice ring to it, it has. Obi-Wan and Samuel L. Jackson agree. EXT. METROPOLIS, MILITARY STAGING AREA - TWILIGHT Palpatine, Jimmy Smits, and others look on as CG clonetroopers are loaded into CG ships. Jimmy balls his fist and bangs a railing in frustration. JIMMY SMITS No! No! I still don't know what my character's name is! Am I even on the right set?! EXT. NABOOTY, SUMMER HOUSE, BALCONY - DAY Anakid and PetMe get married. PETME Hang on! Where does this marriage come from? I don't remember planning a marriage, or falling in love, or anything like that! ANAKID (mindtricking) You love me. PETME I love you. ANAKID (mindtricking) You want to marry me. PETME I want to marry you. ANAKID (mindtricking) You want booty-action with me. PETME I want booty-action with you. ANAKID (mindtricking) You will always do the laundry, do the dishes, take out the garbage, clean the house, make dinner, get a boob-job, dress sexy, and invite your handmaidens and girlfriends over for some extra booty-fun. PETME I will always do the laundry, do the dishes, take out the garbage, clean the house, make dinner, get a boob-job, dress sexy, and invite my handmaidens and girlfriends over for some extra booty-fun. AAAAARCH!!!! Oh no! PetMe's peaceful and fragile Nabooty mind has SNAPPED under the constant and heavy pressure of Anakid's super mindtrick!!! She is now his slave! Doing everything he wants! Anakid has succeeded where BangMe had failed! PetMe might be lost forever! Will we ever find out if PetMe will make it through in one piece? Will she ever escape the super-mindtrick and regain her senses? What will happen next?! QUI-GON JINN'S GHOST Hey! What about me?! FADE OUT. THE END (OR ACTUALLY, TO BE CONTINUED IN: EPISODE 3: A VERY BIG EXPLOSION!) -------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------- Every Trilogy needs a third episode... Every Saga needs a middle... Every Franchise runs out of steam... A not so long time from now, in a galaxy we've lost interest in... FADE IN: EXT. SPACE A vast sea of stars serves as the background to the title and a roll-up, which speeds away into infinity... STAR WARS EPISODE III A VERY BIG EXPLOSION (AVBE) The clone war has turned into clone warS, and those came to an end after Count Dooku was killed. Palpatine quickly revealed himself as the evil Dark Lord of the Sith, and has killed a whole bunch of Jedi; has taken over the Republic; and has now formed an Evil Empire. Anakid Skywalker turned to the Dark Side and then fell in lava. Needing a cybernetic suit to survive, he has turned into Darth Vader. Unknown to Vader, he is the father of the twins Luke and Leia, who were cloned from his DNA. While Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda go into hiding, the brave Chewbacca The Wookiee has come up with a plan to erase the memories of the droids Artoo-Detoo and See-Threepio... PAN DOWN Through the vast sea of stars to reveal A VERY BIG EXPLOSION! Out of the explosion come floating the famous droids Artoo Detoo (R2-D2) and See-Threepio (C-3PO). C-3PO What the hell was that? Artoo whistles. The poor little droid doesn't have a clue either. A spaceship - a Blockade Runner - the Tantiv IV, flies towards the two droids and a tractor-beam is used to suck them inside. Behind them, a lone Wookiee space-fighter from the Kashyyk Defense Force flies away. INT. WOOKIEE SPACE-FIGHTER, COCKPIT Chewbacca is at the controls. The brave Wookiee looks on as the droids are pulled inside the Tantiv IV. Chewbacca growls, then pulls the hyperspace-lever towards him. The stars outside the cockpit window turn into streaking lights as the small ship enters the alternate dimension of Hyperspace... FADE OUT. THE END (OR ACTUALLY: TO BE CONTINUED IN: EPISODE 4: AN UPDATED HOPE!!!) ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------