The Mummy Returns
By Sam Tannous

: : : Our Rating : : :

Pop quiz hotshot: Add an archaeologist hunting for an ancient treasure, the most evil of all villains, a tough butt-kicking babe, an Egyptian terrain, and a director named Steve. What movie do you come up with?

If you answered Raiders of the Lost Ark, you wouldn't be far off, but you would be incorrect. This movie is The Mummy Returns, the sequel to the mega-blockbuster, the Mummy, and while it borrows from Indy, it never takes its self as serious as our pal with the whip might.

The Mummy Returns heralds the beginning of the 2001 Summer Movie Season. A time when the thought of a plot is thrown out the window for the promise of great effect, and an amazing death toll (77 as per a count in Entertainment Weekly). You can file this movie under "promise fulfilled".

The "plot", as they call it, is that the Mummy is back, and he's bad. He has kidnapped Brendan Fraser and Rachel Wiez's son, and is on is way to an oasis in the middle of Egypt to find the Scorpion King, an ancient warrior who sold his soul to Anubis for the power to conquer Egypt. Anubis took his soul, however, and imprisoned him in a pyramid, decreeing that anyone who wakes the Scorpion King and defeats him in single combat gets power over his canine-headed troops. Why Anubis did this is beyond me. File under "works in mysterious ways", or "we don't have a movie if he didn't". Either way, the Mummy must be stopped.

So Indiana Jones gathers his girl Marian, meets up with his Arab friend Saul, and heads out to stop the Nazi regime from obtaining a great instrument of destruction. Uh, I mean O'Connell (Fraser) gets his girl Evelyn (Weiz), meets up with his Arab friend Ardeth Bay (Oded Fehr) and head out to stop the psycho cultists following the Mummy from obtaining a great instrument of destruction. Who do you think wins?

It must be mentioned that Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock of the WWF, played the role of the Scorpion King. It should also be noted that this guy has charisma and talent, as proven by his immensely popular SNL episode. It should also be noted that because of this movie, The Rock would be reprising the role of the Scorpion King in a prequel that focuses on that character. Once you see the Mummy, you will realize that Hollywood producers smoke crack. The Rock had about seven minutes of screen time. If this is enough to green light a movie, then people need to see the video of my 15th birthday. Now that was talent. I am not saying that he is not deserving a movie of his own, but could we at least have seen why? Maybe the DVD will have deleted scenes that explain their reason.

But I digress.

In a time when Lucas, Spielberg, and Ford are threatening another Indiana Jones movie (do you want to see a 60 year old Indiana Jones), this movie franchise fills the void perfectly. Go see the Mummy Returns. You'll have fun. I guarantee it. *

* Guarantee of fun only applicable to those who had fun. If you didn't have fun, the guarantee is null and void.