First Night


by Freemage

This was prompted by an exchange that was almost, but not completely, unrelated to it in the C&C for Gary Kleppe's HaM series.

(What!? You haven't read it? What are you thinking, you Hosehead? I bet you thought the Cubs had a shot this year, too, didn't ya? Quick, stop wasting your time on this drivel and go read something _good_. You can find it in the Archive--It's worth the effort.)

Anyway...

[At the hotel, just before the newlyweds go up to their room]

Nabiki: "Akane, you know all those loans I've given Ranma over the years?"

Akane [Thinking]: 'Yes! She's going to forgive the debt as a wedding present!'

Ranma [Thinking]: 'Uh-oh, I'd know that gleam anywhere....'

Nabiki: "Well, anyway, I've decided to forgive the debt..."

[Akane flashes a "V", Ranma facefaults]

Nabiki "... in exchange for 'First Night' privileges."

[Akane facefaults, Ranma bigsweats from his current position]

Ranma: "What!? No way! I'll just pay you back!"

Nabiki: "Oh, good, I'll take it now, please--with all the interest."

Ranma & Akane: "Nani?!"

Nabiki: "Well, you know, all these IOUs _are_ labelled 'Payable on Demand'"

Akane: "Ranma, you idiot! How could you do this to me!?"

Ranma: "Me? What about her?"

Akane: "Oh, right, like I'm gonna believe that you didn't want this all along. I know what you _boys_ are like--filthy, degenerate, slimy beasts, trying to conquer every woman you meet and make them slaves to vile passions and wicked ways! Just ramming your gargantuan manhoods into every demure, innocent flower that passes by, like a well-hung bee."

Nabiki: "Honestly, Akane, you make it sound like it's a bad thing."

Ranma: "Hey! I ain't like that!"

Nabiki: "Oh, so you mean it's true?"

Ranma: "What's true?"

Nabiki: "That you're really gay?"

Ranma: "What?!"

Nabiki: "Well, you just said you didn't want to go to bed with a healthy, nubile and willing woman."

Ranma: "I didn't say any such thing!"

Nabiki: "Good, it's settled then! Let's get up to the room, shall we?"

Akane [Glowing dark blue]: "Ranma...."

Ranma [Sweating]: "Uh, er, I mean, umm..."

Nabiki: "Oh, come on, already... unless you want to just sign over the dojo to me...."

Akane: "Aha! So that's it! You just want the dojo! You're probably planning on selling it to the highest bidder!"

Nabiki: "Oh, please. Auctions are too chancy. I've had a standing offer on the place for years."

Akane: "Well, forget it! Ranma, go on!"

Ranma: "Nani?!"

Akane: "You heard me! Go on. But I'm coming with...."

Ranma: [Gulping noises]

Akane: "... and if you come, I mean so much as one teensy-weensy drop..." [pulls out Saotome ancestral sword] "...I'm gonna cut 'em off and hang 'em on the dojo walls as a good luck charm, got it?"

Ranma: "Erk..."

-----Fin------

*******Alternate Ending**********

Akane: "Well, forget it! Ranma, go on!"

Ranma: "Nani?!"

Akane: "You heard me! Get upstairs and fuck my sister's brains out!"

Ranma: "..."

Nabiki: "C'mon, Ranma-baby. I hope you aren't _too_ pathetic."

[They get on elevator, while a fuming Akane goes to the bar and orders sake by the barrel.]

[In the elevator]

Nabiki: "Okay, Saotome, pay up."

Ranma [Handing over a wad of bills]: "I still don't believe you got her to say that...." [Shakes head]

Nabiki: "Hmph. Human nature. It's easy.... So, feel like a little game of shogi? We've gotta convince Akane we're doing something up here...."

---Fin---

Now, where'd I put that damn crack pipe?!


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