What is your idea of perfect happiness? One of:

a) Flaying live squirrels.

b) Sitting around a dining-table with friends.

c) Debating Proudhonism with local government surveyors.

Take a wild guess.

With which historical figure do you most identify?

Er, does the prodigal son count?

Which living person do you most admire?

Martina Navratilova. She's brave, she's brilliant and she's pleasingly twinkly.

What vehicles do you own?

An Aston Martin, a Saab, a London taxi and a Tiger Moth aeroplane (for those really-hard-to shift traffic problems.)

What is your greatest extravagance?

The above (the vehicles, not Martina). Oh, and restaurants.

What objects do you always carry with you?

Wallet, keys, cigarettes, lighter and asthma inhaler.

What makes you most depressed?

England not winning at cricket, modern hotels, rail privatisation, the Daily Mail, Republicanism, modern farming practices, journalism, theme parks, rudeness, puritanical attitudes.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My nose, my chin, my dick, my height, my tummy and my bot.

What is your most unappealing habit?

Nail biting, nose picking, saying "parper" too much.

What is your favourite word?

Parper.

Which living person do you most despise?

I've never met him and he's probably a frightfully nice bloke, but I do believe that Rupert Murdoch has done more than anyone alive to reduce the pleasure and pride I can take in living in Britain.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Cleanliness.

On what occasions do you lie?

To make people like me.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Good Lord, Bless you, Parper.

When and where were you happiest?

I'm pretty cheerful at the moment.

How do you relax?

With food and wine.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?

A haemorrhoid treatment that really works.

What would your motto be?

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

How would you like to die?

Kind offer, but no thanks.

How would you like to be remembered?

As a kindly old buffer with snowy hair who never harmed anyone and who was slightly well-known in those far-off twentieth-century days before the invention of the parper changed the way we lived for ever.