| A Classic Revisited... Best to leave it at the home. |
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| Two cartoons premiered this year, two cartoons that I have been waiting to see again since the 80�s. Like some deranged prophet foretelling the return of Jesus, I proclaimed their triumphant return: �He-man and the Transformers will come again, and you shall see the power they behold� About one of these, I was correct� the other� well, that is the one I am reviewing today. Transformers Armada came, but I wish it stopped to think about it first. It all begins some nearly two decades after the good one. The Autobot/ Decepticon battle depends on the acquisition of tiny transformers called �Midget-cons� or something to that effect. They have the ability to power up a regular Transformer with bigger firepower, killer dance moves, and exceptional cooking ability. The Decepticons want to use this new found dance-floor groove for the purposes of evil, while the Autobots just want a new friend to feed Margaritas to by the pool and massage with scented oils. The festivities begin when Brad and Carlos tell Alexis that they want to explore a certain �cave� in the mountains. That line never worked for me, but then again, I am not a poorly drawn anime wannabe. The trio embarks into a secluded area in the mountain cave, but before they can accomplish their ulterior, perverse goals, they discover a metal Frisbee and immediately become distracted. After this first ten minutes of nonsense, the first transformery thing happens when the Frisbee TRANSFORMS� er� kinda� into one of the fabled Midget-Cons. It seems to be the bastard child of Star Wars� C-3PO and R2-D2, since; Like R2 it speaks only in beeps, and like 3PO, is completely gay. Brad realizes his own latent homosexual tendencies when he begins to speak to and understand the Midget-Con. Carlos soon realizes he too possesses special powers, and it becomes his job to excitedly say �WICKED!� any time ANYTHING happens. Alexis just stayed a cold-hearted bitch. With these newfound personal revelations, Brad and Carlos decide to give up their original dirty-minded quest, and the new foursome delves deeper into the cave of fun. Their amazement soon turns to terror as an earthquake begins, and the trail to the cave�s entrance is lost. After trying to soak in this mind-numbing experience, I checked my local listing to make sure that I was actually watching Transformers. When my worst fears were confirmed, I bravely carried on. The events that happened next were kind of a blur, so I will try and make them up the best that I can. Some how the kids and their robot-bitch escaped the mountain, only to be confronted by the giant Megatron. Megatron has seen some revamps since the old days when he could both a) Transform into a gun, and b) Shrink down to a reasonable size to be fired by his comrades. The new Megatron can transform into a gun-stand thingy that can only point at a 45-degree angle, and he now sports a helmet pilfered from Galactus� private collection. The giant robot begins to chase the hapless youngsters, when in a stroke of good luck, their new gay companion TRANSFORMS� into a pedal bike. The kids hop on their sweet new ride and hightails it� very slowly. Just as Megatron decides to stop letting them pretend they can outrun him, Optimus Prime arrives on the scene just in time for the first episode to be over. Still the rosy eyed optimist, I waited a week to see the continuation. One week later, episode two of Transformers Armada began. I could hardly (read: passively) wait to see the outcome of last weeks thrilling episode, where after 20 minutes of crap, it ended with Optimus Prime and Megatron playing a friendly game of mercy. The amazing fight continued as it� well ended� when Megatron, sensing he was outclassed, called for Scotty to beam him up. While all this was going on, the kids did more exploring and found a spaceship from another world. Easily able to hack this extra-terrestrial super computer by hitting the �on� button, a screen relayed, in perfect English, information about the Transformers. Specifically, who the good guys were and who the not-so-good guys were. After they finished reading the Autobots dossier, the kids decided to trust the guys with the red symbol. Upon closer inspection, they also made a pact never to trust the abilities of the Autobot named �Bumble Bee�. Soon, the kids conveniently looked to their right and noticed two more metal Frisbee things. The Frisbee things unsurprisingly turned into more midget-cons. The human-sized robots decided to turn into the first vehicles they saw, Carlos� skateboard and�. I dunno, I guess Wheeljack�s vespa. The kids escape the cave only to be confronted by Megatron, this time with reinforcements! Just in time, Optimus Prime rams into the evil robot guys, and opens up his cab door to the kids, like so many nice truckers I know. Alexis, recognizing the giant red symbol on the side of his trailer, is able to see past Optimus� weak disguise, and decides it is safe to board. More wackiness ensues, and Megatron reveals his ambition to control the midget-cons. Unfortunately, the Autobots put a stop to their quest, and the Decepticons leave, disappointed that they must go on another day without super funky dance steps. I should just order them �Darrin�s Dance Grooves�, and get it over with. Aboard his spaceship on the moon, Megatron wept like a little girl until someone gave him his own midget-con. Luckily, it was his favorite toy since childhood, so he quieted down and began planning more diabolical activities. After episode three begins, the will to live ends. In an amazing scene, Brad, Carlos, and Alexis defeat the two other kids that attend their school in an unfair game of three on two basketball. Not ONLY do they unfairly beat them with the mismatch, they proceed to taunt them and talk trash about the skinny kid�s basketball abilities, and the fat kid�s downs syndrome. After the trio of �heroes� make themselves feel superior in every way possible, they bring the two unfortunate losers outside to brag about their new rides. �Wow, that�s a neat BMX! And you have a really nice skateboard!� The fat one says. Our hero�s deftly responded to this compliment with, �That�s because our parents love us, yours are too busy beating each other with empty bottles of Southern Comfort and running their illegal Beastiality escort service to lavish you with such gifts. Besides, you�re also a retard� He cried because it was true. More poor animation was shown as, while the hero�s rode away laughing at the shortcomings of others, they made an amazing jump over stairs. The animators handle this feat by simply taking a single cell and lifting it till it went over the stairs. To recreate this effect, take a photograph of yourself, in a non-moving pose, and glide it across a picture of the Grand Canyon. Fifteen years later and the animation has actually gotten worse. At the Autobots base, Carlos excitedly came from a private room, readjusting his belt-buckle and said �Wow this is like a nerd�s wet-dream!� He no doubt said this, to make the Autobots feel sorry for them, in case they happened to see the last scene. Alexis offered the Autobots their support, as if three humans could actually assist three 50-foot robots in their battle with an army of more 50-foot robots. Optimus, being the polite-chap he was, told her to �go screw�, then commented that �go screw� was a sign of respect on the Cybertron home world. Alexis decided that it was best to believe whatever the hell a giant robot with a cannon tells you and looked to Brad and Carlos for support, stating �Brad seems to be the only one who understands what the little robot things are saying� To which they responded something like �No I don�t� just kidding� I do�. After I calmed down my fit of laughter from the boys jocular response, I noticed that they began punching each other�s fists and laughing. Hot Shot tried to finish them off from behind by smashing them, but the trio of kids noticed what he was doing, to which he covered �I was only trying to slap fists with you.� In an effort to legitimize his claims, all three Autobots proceeded to hit each other�s fists and cut loose with the most real laughing I have ever heard. Megatron would not be so subtle however, and came to finish the job he started oh so long ago. A fight began, Optimus Prime powered up to his Super-mode (His trailer no longer disappears to Never-Never Land, now it joins his body and gives him sexy new armor.) Prime did the coolest thing in the whole three episodes when he grabbed Starscream by his head and chucked him across the desert. Not wanting to be outdone, Megatron showed off his new toy� HIS VERY OWN MIDGET-CON! It turned into a little tank thingy and attached to his arm. This excited Megatron to such a degree, that a giant cannon like thing began to protrude from his waist area. He sprayed the Autobots with his new weapon, only to have the shots land miserably by their feet. Either the Autobots just didn�t care, or the animators decided to go cheap again, because the whole time, none of them moved at all. Soon, Megatron�s new pocket rocket became too much for him to handle, and it began blowing him backwards. Megatron resolved to stop firing, and instead dropped to his back and showed off his mad new break-dancing skillz, courtesy of the Midget-Cons power up. This whole sequence used only two cells of animation. Amazing. While Megatron was firing his big gun, he blasted a good-sized hole, REVEALING MORE METAL FRISBEES!!! Hot Shot and Red Alert had captured their very own Midget-Cons. The way they attached can best be described by trying to imagine a tiny helicopter humping a car. The two lesser Autobots received brand new groove power and joined Megatron on the dance floor. After a few more drinks, and a promise from Optimus Prime to give him a ring sometime, Megatron packed up his goon patrol and left. The End. Overall, Transformers Armada wasn�t that good. Sure, if you go back and watch the original Transformers, you won�t see Emmy worthy material, but compared to other shows of it�s day it was a powerhouse. In today�s context, with new cartoons making leaps and bounds with animation quality and dramatic new story telling, Transformers Armada barely takes a baby step. The Transformation sequences are handled with flair, but are going to get tiresome, since it�s obvious they will be constantly re-used. The only examples of them Transforming outside of their big sequence come off looking like they �OPPS!� fell backwards, and turning back into robots looks like they just ran that footage in reverse. In the non-Transformers aspect of the show, which for some reason takes up 90% of the episodes, the human characters look like some horribly drawn anime rip-offs. Their characters are shallow and unnecessary, and a major part of their dialogue consists of �Wow!� and �Cool!� followed by a few seconds of gibberish. The shows creators, so far, have given no purpose to the two extra idiots at the school, except to be a receptacle of the three �hero�s� abuses. No doubt that they will eventually help or assist the Decepticons, since that would be the most clich� thing to do. To sum it up, Transformers Armada is a weak revival of the classic series, and although it still gives the fan a sense of awe to see Optimus Prime fill the screen, the nostalgia will soon give way to boredom. *Click* |
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| One and a half monkeys. See it because you know you love Transformers, then let us never speak of it again. |
| Erik Reviews: |