I don't expect you to believe me. No one ever does, 'scept the boys down at the Union hall. We know...we all know. Every plumber in the city who's ever had to go down under the streets has either seen one, or is just waiting for his first sighting. Hell, I shouldn't be telling you this...we ain't supposed to talk about it. Union rules. But who can you tell who'd believe it?

The Pipes are down there.

Oh, real funny asshole. I ain't talking about no steel or plastic pipes, or even the old lead ones we sometimes gotta replace. The Pipes were down there when they started diggin' the sewers. No one knows who, what, when, or why - none of that stuff - all we knows is where.

They're green, and shiny - even though they gotta be older than even the whole damn country. The green is the metal...it ain't no paint - we tried scrapin' them once, but we can't even scratch the damn things. No, it ain't no corrosion! I been a plumber for thirty years, you think I don't know what a corroded pipe looks like?

Anyway, if you're lucky, you'll only see a small one. About as big around as your arm, maybe smaller. Cold air always blowing out of them, like a soft breeze.

If you're unlucky, you'll see one of the big ones. One big enough for a grown man - even one with a belly like mine - to crawl through, no problem. Some go up and down, coming out of the floor or ceiling to hang open in the middle of the room. Some come out of a wall sideways, like a tunnel. Doesn't really matter, though. No one wants to find one of the big ones, however it runs.

Because sometimes things come out of them, that's why! Bigass turtles - mean things...smart, too. Or these crab-lookin' things. All kinds of crazy shit.

Stop laughin', I'm serious here! I saw one of the turtles, once, and it was as tall as I am! Mario was the first to get everyone to believe it. He and his brother found six pipes, all together, and got attacked by a whole pack of the things. They fought for hours, but finally managed to kill 'em all. We laughed at them both, too, until they hauled in a shell.

Since then more people have seen the things from The Pipes. Union policy these days is that if you find one of The Pipes on a job - don't matter what size, you come right back and report it. The Union sees you get paid more, and that you don't go back down alone. That's how the mob got in with the Union, but hey - we needed protection, y'know?

What's that? Oh, I don't know where Mario is these days. He came back up one day, saying he found one of the big ones, and that he swore he'd heard some dame yelling for help in it. He thought maybe one of the things had grabbed one of the crazies that live down under the city. No one wanted nothing to do with no kidnappers from The Pipes. So he marched right back down there - we followed along, since some of our 'friends' went with him - and damn if he didn't walk right into that hole, head held high...like some sorta hero, or something.

Well, after we yelled after him for a couple of minutes without no answer, Luigi - that's Mario's brother - went a running aafter him before anyone could get ahold of him. Last we heard of either of the brothers was Luigi yellin', "Maaaariiiioooo! Maaaaariiioooo!" like he was a zillion miles away.

And that, my friend, is why the Union sent me over here. We gotta talk about what you're paying our boy Antonio, because guess what you got down in your sub-basement?