2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
6. How many outs are there in an inning?
7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.
9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
20. What was the President's name in 1950?
ANSWERS:
1. yes (they also have a 3rd of July, a 2nd of July, etc....)
2. one a year
3. all months have (at least) 28 days
4. the beggar is the woman's sister
5. because he is living
6. 6 (3 per side)
7. no. the man would be dead
8. they are not playing each other
9. 70 (30 divided by .5 is 60)
10. white. (the bear would be a polar bear, because the house must be at the north pole)
11. 2 (you just took 2 apples)
12. a fifty cent piece, and a nickel (one is not a nickel, but the other one is)
13. light the match first
14. half way (then he would be running out)
15. one hour (the first one, a half hour later, and another one more half hour)
16. 9 (all but 9 die...)
17. none. Moses was not on the ark
18. he weighs meat.
19. 12
20. Bill Clinton
The following chuckle is for anyone who has attempted to help an idiot.
"Fire help. Me Groog."
"Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work."
"You have flint and stone?"
"Ugh."
"You hit them together?"
"Ugh."
"What happen?"
"Fire not work."
"[sigh] Make spark?"
"No spark, no fire. Me confused. Fire work yesterday."
"[sigh] You change rock?"
"I change nothing."
"You sure?"
"Me only make little change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto's hand. Only small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire."
Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave, "fixes" problem.
An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them."
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss." "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?" "He went blue and collapsed."
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up.
"That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.
"No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.
"That's aggravation."
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on
your elbow, just as if
you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently,
"That's a nice kitty."
Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under
sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front
paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke
pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from
bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat
firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair,
fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open
cat's mouth by
lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly.
Since your head is down
by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as
well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man,
have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here
anyway? Retrieve cat and
pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the
boss here, anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha!
Those flashing claws
are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel.
Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from
potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over
long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
(Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait
for no man or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's
head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a
snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila!
It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to
wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"
Thanks AIKEN DRUM. Email him to subscribe to "A Laugh A Day."