2. Golf is hitting a ball with a stick, and then walking after it. And then, hitting it AGAIN!!
3.I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
4.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
5.What was the best thing before sliced bread?
6.Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
7.How is it possible to have a civil war?
8.If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
9.Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
10.Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
11.Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
12.Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
13.Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
14.If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
15. I tried to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldnt find an opening.
16.Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
17.Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
18. When the airport people start saying "Get on the plane, get on the plane," I say "Fuck you, Im getting IN the plane!"
18. Something else we have in common: flying on the airlines, and trying to pretend to ourselves that the language they're speaking is really English.
19. When the airline people say, "We would like to preboard those passengers traveling with small children." Well, what about those passengers traveling with LARGE children???
20. "Lock them up and throw away the key"- Where are you gonna throw the key? Outside of the jail? His FRIENDS will find it!!
21. "Down the tubes"- What tubes?
22. "Takes the cake" -Where?
23. "The greatest thing since sliced bread"-So this is it, huh folks?
24. "Walking papers"- Ive never gotten walking papers. What I got was, a guy would come over to my desk and say "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!"
25. "The riot act" The parents always said that they were gonna read that to you, right? Have you ever actually heard it?
26. "More than happy" - this sounds like a major medical condition. How can you be more than happy?
27. "In your own words" Funny, I've been using the same ones everyone else has been using. Next time someone says that to you, say "Nitch flitch kwondle fluuue"
28. (Death Penalty) Boiling people in oil. Sponsor: Crisco.
