AN:
Like, whee. ^_^ I even have art done for this! As you can probably tell from the disclaimer, this is an OoT/Alias crossover, believe it or not. (Yes, I’m this bored.) If you haven’t played the game, odds are you’ll get lost. If you have played it, or know the story, then you’re in for some massive theoretical situations. (Really: The Kokiri can’t leave the forest or they’ll die, but they can party out on the ranch? …sure…) I think part of the humor is who is what, but I’ll leave that for you to find out on your own. (Heheheh.)

Decades after the defeat of the Evil King Ganondorf, the land of Hyrule was as it had been before the Gerudo laid his hands on the sacred Triforce: peaceful, beautiful, joyous. A new Deku Tree replaced the one which had died as a result of the evil man’s curse in the Kokiri Forest of the south. The home of the water folk, the Zorahs, melted and its captives were free again. The Gorons of Death Mountain found that rocks were plentiful; this was a cause for great celebration. Kakariko Village stood strong at the foot of the volcano and was prosperous. The great plains of Hyrule Field were now as safe as ever. Lake Hylia was at peace, and the desert of the west, home of the Gerudos, remained as untamed as its people. Hyrule Castle Market was once again a buzzing business center.

But alas, there was one thing the Hero of Time, despite his valiant crusade, could not fix.

"The answer is no!"

The bickering of the current King and Queen of Hyrule.

"And why not!" The copper-skinned Queen folded her arms over her chest and waited, eyes narrowed, for her husband to reply.

"We've been over this before!" the King shouted back, the look in his eyes equally fierce.

The Queen fixed her eyes on his, narrowing them further. "Please do remind me what your reasons are."

"You know them very well."

Both stood, facing off, glaring venomously at one another, until the woman frowned and breathed deeply to keep herself from lashing out and turned to take a few steps away from the taller man.

"She should know how to defend herself, Jack! Why would you keep that from her?"

"She's a lady, and she'll grow up to be a proper one!"

"Are you insinuating that I'm not proper?"

"Don't change the subject!"

"Don't be so male! If our son is allowed to learn to fight, why shouldn't our daughter be?"

"We've. Been. Over. This. Irina!"

The Queen slammed her fist hard on the table, causing the things on top of it to rattle.

"She's part Gerudo. Every Gerudo woman knows how to handle at least sword! How else do you think we could survive in that vicious desert!?"

The King sighed deeply, trying to get himself to explain to his wife the same thing he'd told her many times before. But she spoke before he could.

"What will we end up doing when it comes time for me to appoint the next Gerudo leader? Those women will not settle for someone weak of body."

Jack considered this. "Couldn't one of the other women have a fully Gerudo son?"

Irina's eyes widened, indicating that she was either deeply insulted or furious beyond reason. "Jack, you know as well as everyone that a Gerudo man is born only once every century. That I had a son is a gift from the heavens! And even then he looks more like a Hylian than a Gerudo."

The King sighed once more and tried to reason with his wife. "She can learn all the magic she wants to. Sydney is sma—"

"Sydney is going to end up a nobleman's little girl if you don't let her learn the art of fighting!"

"And just what is wrong with being —"

"What's wrong? You know what's —"

"You're being stubborn —"

"I'm being stubborn? Then what do you call —"

They continued their fight, speaking at once, until they finished their most passionate sentences at the same time and faced off once more, breathing as though they had completed a marathon. A knock at the door drifted to their ears, making them simultaneously snap, "Enter!" They did not look to the door until they heard the soft voice.

"My dears, what troubles you?"

It was then that the King and Queen turned to face the form of the elderly Zelda, the seventh Sage and Queen Mother. Jack and Irina immediately looked somewhat calmer. This was not the first time Zelda came to their aid.

Many had frowned upon the marriage of the Prince to a Gerudo, and some even took to speak ill of their Queen in the streets and out on the countryside. The people might have revolted if given the chance, but the calm, reassuring voice and presence of the Queen Mother had kept all the races of Hyrule at peace. She taught them acceptance. Her wisdom was what had earned her the most respect, for she had ruled over Hyrule for many years after the death of her husband. Her knowledge was most appreciated by her Hylian son, Jack, and the Gerudo Queen, Irina.

The Sage took the couple's silence as her answer and chuckled softly. "Is this about the children?"

In response, the two again began to speak at once, but the raising of one of Zelda's gloved hands silenced them.

"I can't begin to understand," Zelda said, her gaze shifting between one and the other at leisure, "why it's so difficult for you to admit your real reasons for this seemingly endless discussion." She placed her hands together as if in prayer, a usual pose of hers, and smiled knowingly at them. "I just came to inform you that I'll be leaving for Port of Angels now." She nodded. "I'll see you next week."

And having said this, she turned and left, closing the door silently behind her. Irina and Jack faced each other once more, then spoke at once:

"What have you been hiding?"

"What did she mean by that?"

They both blinked and frowned and said nothing for the next few seconds, scrutinizing one another.

"I have something to confess," Irina said finally, looking the least bit guilty.

Jack sighed. "So do I."

There was a pause in which both waited for the other to continue, but upon seeing that they kept silence, they each decided that they would be the first to speak.

Thus they said in unison, "I've been teaching Sydney swordplay."

They looked at each other in disbelief.

"What!?" they said in unison.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Irina spouted after another awkward silence.

Jack tried to keep a sudden rush of heat from showing up on his cheeks. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Irina then laughed. "That's what this is all about?" She walked until she stood in front of him and kissed him. She pulled away with a wry grin on her face. "You idiot."