Hang (revised)

 

 

Justin didn’t know what to do with himself. They were going out. Again. And again he wanted to beg Lance to stay and curl up with him on the bed and watch a movie or talk or just hold each other. Of course he wouldn’t though. No one knew he had romantic feelings for Lance. Not even Lance, his angel, who should have been able to feel his love burning from miles away, knew how he felt. Once he had realized he thought of Lance as more than a friend he had started to hide his feelings. With a sigh he realized he had been so successful at hiding his feelings that he and Lance were barely even friends anymore. His fear had pushed the love of his life away.

 

Forlornly he gazed at the floor with the sounds of Lance and Joey getting ready in the background.

 

“Curly, you sure you don’t want to come with us?”

 

When had they finished getting ready? He must have been lost in his depressing thoughts longer than he realized. Joey was looking at him worriedly but his attention was on Lance. God, Lance looked beautiful and sexy and sweet and adorable and perfect all rolled into one. He wanted to hold onto him and never ever let go.

 

“Jus?”

 

Reluctantly he turned his attention to Joey. He looked into Joey’s questioning eyes then averted his gaze. It strayed to Lance of its own accord. Contemplatively he cocked his head. Was that hope he saw in Lance’s eyes or were his own eyes deceiving him? His voice came out mellow as he decided his wishful thinking was getting the best of him. “Nah, Joe, I think I’m just gonna hang.” Justin swore he saw the sparkle leave Lance’s eyes.

 

“Your loss, man. We’ll see ya later.”

 

Justin stood to the side and watched them go. He wanted so bad to stop Lance but he wasn’t ready to chance his rejection. Every night Lance walked out that door another layer was peeled off of his heart and soon nothing would be left but a hollow cavity in his chest. Maybe then his fear would go away. Maybe then nothing would matter. Maybe then he would have nothing to lose by telling the guys he was in love with one of them. Maybe…but not likely.

 

Lance came closer and Justin, not wanting his emotions to be seen, hung his head and stared at his feet. A spark of hope lit deep within when Lance paused in front of him. One beautiful, pale hand started to rise but then clenched into a fist and dropped back to his side.

 

“We’ll be back later. If you need us just call.” Justin didn’t look up because if he had he would have seen Lance’s eyes practically begging him to call. For anything.

 

Justin’s voice came out dull. “Okay. Have a good time.” While I stay here and miss you.

 

This time Lance did touch him. He felt each finger as it burned into the skin of his upper arm. Couldn’t Lance feel the heat? Fuck! Just this simple touch was burning him alive.

 

“’Night, Jus. See you tomorrow.”

 

The door closed with a loud click behind Lance. Justin was all alone. Dumbly he stood at the threshold of the room but his eyes didn’t see it. All he could see was an endless sea of green. Sometimes filled with mirth, others with sadness, fear, love, and the storm clouds of anger. He loved every one of those visions. How could he not?

 

A sad sigh worked its way out of his chest. He just loved Lance. That’s all there was to it. With a sick heart he walked to window and pulled the curtain aside. The bright lights of yet another city stared back at him. The skyline was a little different. In the distance he could see the St. Louis arch, but that was the only thing to distinguish this place from any other.

 

Down on the street he could see the people passing, lost in their own little worlds. As he watched each couple walk by he thought about all that was missing in his life. He had so much and yet the one thing he wanted proved to be the most elusive. He wanted love. Forever. Happily ever after. He wanted someone to love him. The aloneness was killing his spirit. The loneliness was breaking his heart.

 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the limousine. Longing rose in his throat. It was bittersweet and consuming. He wanted to be with him so much. By his side was the only place he ever wanted to be but here he was, alone, in another hotel. What did he tell Joey about why he wasn’t going? Right. He was just gonna…hang. Yeah, stay in this hotel room with nothing but memories to ease the ache in his heart.

 

Suddenly he couldn’t do it anymore. He wanted to go back to the six year old boy he had been and curl up in his mother’s lap and cry until he had nothing else to give. But his mother was in Europe. A new thought struck. His grandmother was in Memphis and St. Louis and Memphis weren’t that far apart.

 

His decision was made. Quickly he strode to the phone and punched the zero. He waited for the nauseatingly pleasant voice to come on the other end. When it did he didn’t care if he sounded rude or not. He was going home. “This is Justin Timberlake in 7423 get me a car.”

 

Forty-five minutes later he was gripping the wheel like it was his only lifeline. Resolutely he shifted into drive and left without a backward glance. Two days was all he was asking for. Two days to put his heart back together and decide what to do.

 

 

 

 

Lance had been looking for Justin for thirty minutes. He was tired of the distance that had grown between them. Last night at the club he had broken down on his fourth drink and Joey had taken him to a back room where he had cried his heart out. A dam of longing and need and sorrow had burst. He was sick and tired of hiding his feelings. Of being afraid of what others thought. He laid everything on the line and told Joey how he felt. Not so surprisingly Joey had wrapped his arms around him, told him he understood, and let him cry out his pain on his shoulder. After he had gotten his emotions back under control Joey had calmly told him he needed to get his head out of his ass and tell Justin how he felt. He had told Lance that he had no chance of winning the game if he didn’t get off the bench.

 

At two o’clock in the morning coming off a slight buzz and cry fest those words made more sense than any Lance had ever heard. Now he was fruitlessly searching the hotel looking for Justin in hopes that he could repair the rift between them and maybe…just maybe, build a new bridge to his heart. So far his search had turned up nothing. Justin wasn’t in his room. He wasn’t in the pool. The fitness center was empty. Chris and a couple of the bodyguards were the only people in the arcade. The security crew hadn’t seen him all day. Hell, Lance had even checked the karaoke bar on the second floor. There was no sign of Justin. As he was heading past the front desk his phone rang. JC’s voice cut off his hello.

 

“He’s gone.”

 

Lance felt his stomach drop. “Gone where?”

 

There was a sad sigh on the other end. “Home.”

 

“What do you mean home?”

 

“I called the front desk to see if he might have left a message and the woman told me he requested a rental car at about 10:00 last night. The car got here around 10:30 and he checked out at 10:45. When I checked his room I didn’t even think to look in the closets or I would have realized he was gone sooner.”

 

“You mean he’s been gone for,” Lance glanced down at his watch, “fourteen and a half hours and no one knew it. I thought security got paid to keep up with us.”

 

“I don’t know how he did it. The crew said they never even saw him. It’s not their fault, Lance.”

 

“I know. It’s mine,” he mumbled but not loud enough for JC to hear. To JC he said, “Why did he leave?”

 

“I don’t know. I tried calling his cell phone several times but he’s got it turned off. Finally I called Lynn. She reluctantly told me he drove to his grandmother’s outside of Memphis.” There was a pause on JC’s end of the line. “Lance, man, she begged us not to bother him. She said he was depressed and needed some time alone. Also she said he mumbled something about pushing him away and needing to figure out if that was the right decision. She wasn’t sure what he was talking about but she thought we might know.”

 

“Who is him, JC?”

 

JC’s sigh was clearly audible through the line. “I don’t know, Lance. I don’t know.”

 

Lance pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “I’ll be upstairs in a few minutes, Jace.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Lance clicked the off button and stared at the phone. Justin had left because of him. There was no doubt in his mind about that. A dull ached settled in the vicinity of his heart and threatened to squeeze the life from him. When had things gotten so bad between them? More importantly, why had things changed?

 

Lance reattached his phone to his belt and headed for the elevators. Out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of the reception desk. Quickly doing calculations in his head he changed direction and walked up to the counter. He motioned the receptionist over. “I need a car, and I need it right now.” The woman started to shake her head negatively so he pulled out his platinum credit card and pushed it across the counter. His voice was low but full of authority. There was no mistaking that he was serious. “There is no limit on that card. Now I want you to get me a car. I don’t care what you have to do to get me one, just get it. Do you understand?”

 

The woman stared wide-eyed at Lance but shook her head in acknowledgement. “Yes, sir, Mr. Bass. Give me a moment.”

 

“Good. I’ll be in my room. Ring me the second it gets here.” Lance turned away and headed for the elevators.

 

JC was waiting for him when he got back to his room. “What are we gonna do, Lance?”

 

Lance pulled his overnight bag out of the closet and threw it on the bed. He didn’t stop to look at JC as he pulled clothes out to put into the bag. “We aren’t going to do anything. I am going to go to Memphis and bring him back. It’s my fault he left, and I’m gonna make it right.”

 

JC followed Lance into the bathroom where he was gathering up his toiletry bag. “What do you mean it’s your fault he left? How could it be your fault? You two haven’t exactly been on speaking terms for the past two months.”

 

Lance stopped and leaned his hands on the counter. In the mirror his eyes met JC’s. “That’s the problem. The only reason that makes any sense for him to leave is that he found out how I feel about him, and he can’t handle it.” Lance was past the point of caring if the whole world knew how he felt about Justin. The only important thing was getting to him and making him understand that even if he didn’t love Lance back they still shared a special friendship. And nothing, absolutely nothing, would stand in his way. His eyes visibly hardened. “I’m in love with Justin, JC. I am so in love with him that I can’t see straight, and I’m tired of the distance between us. So,” Lance turned around and met JC’s gaze levelly, “I am going to drive to Memphis, and we’re going to settle this once and for all. I can’t take the pain of not knowing anymore. I’m sorry if you have a problem with that but that’s the way it is.”

 

Instead of arguing with him JC pulled him into a hug. “Are you sure you’ll be alright by yourself? Do you want me to go with you?”

 

Lance pulled back and smiled appreciatively. JC understood. He was one hurdle closer to Justin. “It’s a five hour drive, Jace. Maybe a little longer with the snow, but I’ll be fine. Just hold down the fort while I’m gone, okay?”

 

“You got it, man. Be careful.”

 

 

 

 

Justin stared at the snow falling just outside his window. It was soothing. Night had fallen hours ago but still he sat in the same spot as when he first arrived. His grandmother had come in to check on him a couple of times but each time he mumbled something about needing time alone and now, with her in bed, he was totally alone for the rest of the night. He tucked his knees closer to his chest and rested his forehead against the window. Alone.  He remembered a time when he didn’t know the true meaning of the word.

 

Just a few short months ago he would have said he was alone if he had been in a room by himself. Sometimes that would have been a good kind of alone and sometimes, like the nights he wanted to hold someone and have them hold him in return, it was a bad kind of alone. But really he had never been alone. Before *NSYNC his parents had always been there providing him with the love he needed. Then as he got older it was his friends who provided that love. Now, after all the years of chasing and being chased, he’d fallen in love and it was that person he needed to provide him with love because, after all, the absence of that love was the true meaning of alone.

 

And that was just what he was experiencing. Yes, he still had his family. Yes, he still had his friends and he’d still had the love of his soul mate until he’d stupidly pushed him away because he was afraid he would be hurt. He hadn’t had the kind of love from him he wanted but it was better than nothing. Never did he realize that as he was pushing Lance away he was driving the stake into his own heart. Justin wiped at the lone tear that wound its way down the side of his face. Now he had driven Lance away and nothing really mattered anymore.

 

With supreme effort he pushed the heart-rending thoughts aside. He had come here to learn to live without Lance. Gently he touched the cool panes of the window with his fingertips while he watched the snowflakes drift down. They were so innocent. So uncaring. So perfect. Unique in structure but positively glorious when combined with others.

 

Perfect. Just like Lance. And just as unobtainable.

 

“Why did you leave?”

 

The deep voice startled Justin. Silently he turned to see his perfection standing in the doorway. His green-eyed angel had come. But at what cost? Was he just here to bring back the wayward son? Justin lowered his eyes. There was no use letting Lance see his anguish. It was his burden to bear.

 

“Why did you leave us?” A shaky sigh escaped Lance’s lips. “Why did you leave me?” Justin jerked his head up. Hope blazed anew in his eyes and heart. The question went far beyond the obvious. Justin could hear the longing for an explanation as to why he had left their friendship, too. Those captivating green eyes pleaded for that explanation.

 

Justin turned back to lean his head against the window. His voice was barely a whisper. “I thought it would be good to go away.” He continued to study the snowflakes. They were beautiful and for a moment he wished he could go back to the child he used to be and play carefree in the falling whiteness. He wished he could lose himself in the mesmerizing beauty.

 

“What happened to us, Justin? We used to be best friends. We did everything together. Then one day you started to push me away. What did I do wrong? What did I do to drive you away?” The last came out as barely a whisper and Justin squeezed his eyes tightly closed to keep the tears from falling. It wasn’t Lance’s fault. He was to blame not Lance.

 

A shaky sigh issued from Lance. Through the reflection in the window Justin could see that Lance was gathering his courage to speak. This was the end. Lance was going to tell him his friendship wasn’t worth fighting for. Justin tightly squeezed his eyes closed and cursed the lone tear that escaped.

 

What Lance actually said took him by surprise. “Did you find out how I feel? Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? Is that why you barely say two words to me?” Lance didn’t wait for Justin’s reply. “Well, you know what? Fuck you, Justin. I never asked to feel this way. I never asked to love you. It just happened.” There was another pause as Justin watched Lance’s reflection wipe at his eyes. “And then you pushed me away. Did you know I went out every night trying to ease the pain? I spent my nights wishing you would ask me to stay but every night you said you just wanted to ‘hang’. My heart broke every time you turned away from me. Even if you didn’t love me back I still wanted to keep our friendship.” Tears were openly streaming down Justin’s face. “You are the most important person in my life and I don’t know how I’m going to function without you. I’ve just been going through the motions for the past few months.”

 

Justin could feel Lance come closer. His essence reached out to wrap around him. The plea in his voice was unmistakable. “Please tell me you don’t hate me, Justin.”

 

Justin closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the windowpane. Maybe now Lance would understand. Without raising his head he quietly explained. “Every time I said I wanted to hang I hoped you would say you wanted to hang with me. I never meant to push you away, Lance, but I had all these feelings, and I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. I hoped you would see through my act and fight for me.”

 

“Justin, do you want to go back tonight?”

 

Justin sighed and shook his head. His chance was gone. “No, I’m just gonna hang.” He felt arms wrap around his waist and a warm mouth nuzzle his neck.

 

“Can I hang with you?”

 

Justin smiled and turned to meet Lance’s questing lips. He brushed his fingers through Lance’s silky hair and then broke the kiss. “Yeah, let’s hang.” His mellow tones brought a smile to Lance’s face and then their lips met again.

 

Outside the snow continued to fall while the two friends explored their newfound love and Justin found a new mesmerizing beauty to lose himself in.

 

 

~~~~~The End~~~~~

 

 

 

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