-During sex scenes in the film, it is essential that back-row teenagers giggle loudly and shout random comments at the screen, like 'Check out the tits on her!' or 'On you go, my son!' Have them shout out random swear words that they don't know the meaning of. This is sure to entertain the entire audience, and effectively means that not only are they getting to see a good movie, but they get laughs for free.
-An optional addition is to give the loudest and most arrogant teenager, probably the leader, some sort of laser pointing device. He should flash this only during the important scenes of the film, with long intervals of peace in between, which will fool the audience into thinking he has stopped. This increases the hilarity of doing it tenfold.
-Ensure that any elderly people coming into the cinema get a good view of the annoying teenagers, adding weight to their opinion that ALL teenagers behave like this.
-Additionally, fill the back row with slimy couples that want to play grabass and squeeze one another's tits and balls and any other sweaty bits, and have them snog the whole film. Then sell any remaining backrow seats to nice couples that just want a romantic night. The teenagers and slimy couples will be sure to ruin their night, and as a bonus may lead to them breaking up.
-Fill the front row with young children or people with uncontrollable mental disabilities, and make sure they scream and laugh really loudly throughout the film, especially when it's not appropriate (like during a death scene, a romantic moment, a good battle, or something vital to the plot).
-Block the entrances to the cinema screen by allocating the wheelchair spaces as near to the entrances as possible. Make your customers look really rude by having to push past people in wheelchairs (because we all know how much more special they deserve to be treated). If need be, point at the customers doing this, just so they know that they are being watched.
-Play an amusing advertisement warning people to turn off mobile phones. Have this play before all other adverts and pre-film features, when only the lonely geeks that have queued outside in the cold for days to see this film are seated. Be sure not to play any other reminders about mobile phones being switched off, as this comes into play later.
-Sell popcorn in only three sizes: Big, Xtra Large (starting any word with an X is xtreme), and Retarded. This equates to only sweaty geeks eating popcorn, and breathing and chomping it in an obnoxiously loud manner. Especially good to piss off those annoying cinema-goers that actually want to hear the film. In fact, don't sell anything in smaller sizes that may encourage people to eat politely and noiselessly.
-Charge at least �2 extra for the middle seats with the best view, cover these with a different shade of fabric and refer to them as Superior. Make people feel cheap and nasty, by asking them if they would like Superior seating, and snorting when they say they don't.
-Show at least 20 minutes of crap car adverts, hair product adverts, sassy adverts for alcohol where everyone jumps around dancing and having a good time, listening to some stupid Latino rumba music and playing grabass with each other, and don't forget to play adverts for tampons to make all the men in the audience feel uncomfortable and isolated. At least one woman is guaranteed to turn round to their boyfriend and moan about how hard it is to be a woman, or female rights, or some other shit no one cares about, but that women need to have meetings about once a week to fulfill their otherwise pointless existence.
-The staff should be young, underpaid, arrogant, bored and tired looking. While they serve or help customers, they should continue their conversations about their boring lives. When they finally turn away from talking to their friends, still laughing, they should give the customer funny looks, or chew chewing gum right in their face. When they lead the customer to their seat, have them speed off into the distance, leaving the customer bewildered and lost, and have them wave an obnoxious light into people's eyes.
-Seat everyone from the end of the row, through to the middle. This means that the people who buy their tickets later have to squeeze past everyone that is already seated. Have the audience 'Tut' loudly, moan, sigh, boo, throw food or drinks, or start fights with anyone who arrives late.
-Allow people in to the cinema twenty minutes after the start of the film, so that everyone in the row has to stand up again to allow them to get to their seats. Everyone in the row behind will have to move around to try and see whatever mundane crap is happening on screen. People like having to do this, it makes them feel important.
-Remember, the customer is never right.
-Get some idiot to make shadow puppets as the credits go up. Because shadow puppets are SO funny.
-Ten minutes from the end, have someone shout 'Oh my god, I read about this, she DIES at the end!' or 'See, I told you this bit was good, this is where he confesses that he's really an alien.' Refuse refunds to peeved customers.
-The audience always loves when a mobile phone rings. This is why you should play any adverts encouraging patrons to switch off phones before everyone is in. The best thing is when the person actually answers the phone and has a conversation, I love when that happens
Here are guidelines for what various types of films require:-
Romantic Comedy:-
-Five minutes from the end, there should always be an airport scene. The more people running around, the better. Cheesy dialogue = good.
-Climaxes are always good in extreme weather conditions, such as snow or rain. What sort of bastard proposes on a grey and overcast day with light winds?
-The film soundtrack must be condescending and cheesy, with songs about being dumped, teenage angst, romantic letters or nights beside the fireplace. Release one of the songs as a single near Christmas time, with the accompanying video full of stupid clips from the film, where the characters are bouncing up and down or smiling a lot or something similarly stupid, never doing anything interesting and compelling, like fucking a sheep, drawing up plans to bomb Palestine, or defecating in one another's throats.
-Try to fill the film with pointless shit like symbolism or important messages, such as love transcends all, homosexuals are equal, diversity is acceptable, life is hard, or something equally boring.
-Always have at least one Asian character, or another group of society deemed as minority. Make the character honourable and decent, and try to stick to any inappropriate stereotypes.
-Romantic comedies always need a scene where the guy and girl have some vague conversation where she briefly eludes to some past incident that means they can't be together, or she confesses after the first hour of the film - in which she has done nothing but flirt - that she has a husband. Demonstrate that the guy is heartbroken by having him crumple his styrofoam cup, thus spilling tea over his shirt and adding comic relief to the scene. Good chance to further develop the notion that the character is a bumbling and useless idiot (that reminds me, cast Hugh Grant for this part).
-Don't include any of the following: wolves, grumpy old men, comics, ninjas, shogun assassins, zombies, shotguns, shotgun-wielding zombies.
Fantasy/Adventure:-
-Make the lead character a useless loser that cries and moans about how hard his task is.
-Have the hero and his companions (who do nothing but slow him down) travel through various unbelievable terrains and climates.
-The enemy must look really evil and badass, and wield infinitely more power than the hero, possibly able to do magic too, but is inevitably bested by our much weaker and incompetent hero, who gets help from a mystical sage, a nosey eagle, a rogue traveller that happens to be passing through, or a troupe of skilled old warriors that ride around on horses and babble incessantly about the land and the tough times and battles and other boring shit no one really gives a damn about.
-Draw the film out for as long as possible. Score points for every audience member that falls asleep, double for everyone that leaves, and triple for anyone that commits suicide.
-Battles are always a good way to achieve Rule 4. Skip all the boring parts like journeying and dialogue, and be sure to include a half hour long unnecessary battle in which several/all of the main characters die and good triumphs over evil, but no one gets to enjoy it because they're too busy mourning the dead like pussies and crying about their wounds.
-Technology must be as poorly advanced as possible. Wheels, guns, machines, and in particular robots are not a good idea for this type of film. Fill the land with wizards, guardians and sages that all act important and smart, but can't quite grasp that metal could be used to make advanced weaponry. Such as an armoured truck with flying capabilities. Man, just think how bullshit-free Lord Of The Rings could have been if the fellowship had one of them.
Comedy:-
-Revolve the film around no more than two characters, both young and male, that sit around and bitch about movies or their hard lives, and give them some sort of stupid habit like getting stoned or drinking beer, which inevitably leads to a host of silly scenarios where they piss about touching girl's boobies and spinning stupid catchphrases for geeks to quote. Continue so forth.
Thriller:-
-Pair an arrogant, retired cop/lawyer/firefighter/vigilante with a light-hearted understudy (preferably black, to promote diversity). They argue throughout the film in a variety of humourous scenes that provide comic relief from the more serious side of crimefighting and murder investigations, and by the end the retired grumpy character says something out of character that makes him a pussy, like 'You're alright kid', or 'Hey...thanks.' then he wanders off through the rain, past some police cars that have pulled up to the house of the murderer (who it took the whole film to catch, even though he was involved heavily in the case and was right there the whole time), and then the old guy probably goes home and fucks his dog or something, the lousy dogfucker.
Action:-
-The main character should either be a snazzy, well-dressed CIA/MI5/FBI/NSA agent that has all the latest gadgets given to him by his polite staff, or a pumped up anti-hero that bosses people around and acts grumpy, and gets his gadgets from some underground contact that lives in strange surroundings and has cupboards full of weaponry and weird inventions, and never explains how he got all this shit or how he learned to make things, or indeed why he lives in a sewer/above a sleazy night-club/run-down flat/mousehole/cupboard/dimension.
-Put the hero in a host of ridiculous situations, in which he escapes by the skin of his teeth (cut to a shot of a bomb reading 0.000003 seconds just as he speeds off in his car), and various explosions ensue.
