Now, while I love gaming, one thing that I really hate is the pussies that try to excuse their poor gaming with vague sobbings. These include such bullshit as:
"Oh but I don't know the controls"
That's your tough luck. Would you drive a car before you knew how to turn the ignition on? No.
"You've played this before"
What, you think I became this good by wasting my time reading weekly editions of 'Hello' magazine? Of course I've played it before. Even if I haven't, I familiarize myself with the game in the opening seconds, so that I'll still kick your ass.
"I can't see properly"
That's not my problem, tool. Move closer to the TV. Alternatively, go to the opticians before challenging me to a pastime that involves good vision. I have spectacles, you don't see me complaining, do you? How about I slap you around the back of the head, would that help your vision? No? Too late.
"That's not fair"
What is this, ballet dancing? No of course it's not fair, but when we're both weilding chainsaws and/or sawn-off shotguns, do you expect me to be whispering nursery rhymes in your ear?
"I'm not playing my best today, for some reason"
To which my response is invariably "No, neither am I." Yeah, that shut you up, fool.
"That's cheating"
Okay, let me explain how computer games work. Programmers (read: people with brains far superior to yours) jot down a few lines of code. They mass-produce the result, and with a little bit of marketing, you'll end up buying it. Then, a few months down the line, you and I will end up in said situation, playing against one another. Now, clearly I can have NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER on the abilities of either character in a game that was written months, possibly years, before I got my hands on it. Unless I actually put some sort of cheat code in, then I can't have cheated. You would have seen me do it. And besides, cheats are for wussies, you may as well accuse me of secretly eating a piece of fruit in between chewing my steak and chips. I don't do cheats.
"Your gun's better than mine!"
Yup. So it is.
Really, there's nothing worse than you pussies that think you can hide behind your bullshit, trying to disguise the fact that you're destined for a life in front of the sink, like the women you are. If you can't handle my gaming skills, then it isn't my problem, and I'm tired of people complaining when I beat them. Unless you have a control pad made out of jelly and string, then we both have an equally fair chance. What more do you want me to do, close my eyes while I play?
The other thing that's really irritating about you fools is that if I whup your ass ten times in a row, you expect one victory to counter-balance that. For instance, I challenge a couple of folk to a few rounds at Quake, and by the third game, they're usually feeling more humiliated than Saddam did when those post-capture photographs were released. After my tenth victory, I begin to rest my eyelids during frags. As much as I love gaming, I love napping too. So I'm napping, I'm gaming, I'm kicking butt...and then suddenly someone edges out into the lead, and steals a win.
Now, I'm not a bad loser. At the very worst, me exacting revenge on you would be on a par with having your eyes gouged out by Maggie Thatcher's erect nipples on a cold winter's day (oh wait, I guess that is pretty bad). But I hate when people feel the need to gloat about their ONE victory. Great, you've managed to claw back a consolation triumph. What about all those times I gave you your head in your hands? Get back to checking your daily star signs, you invertebrate.