The most explicit stuff she'll print concerns people that are anxious about their husband's suggestion to use sex toys, but she even blanks out the word 'toy' with little * stars. Maybe.
Anyway, this lack of erotical letters is down to some deep assumption Joan has that the people that write into her are all sex-mad idiots, so she doesn't actually let any of their stuff get printed. She doesn't even open her mail. She just writes the stuff herself, then comes up with replies..
Nah, I'm only kidding. Far be it from me, a mere mortal, to make accusations about the way the big yin does her job. Sorry, Joan.
So, you ask, what makes Joan Burnie so great? Well, apart from her ravishing good looks, her bitter hatred of all women under 40, her wacky never-seen-a-brush hairdo, her sour grudge against humorous (read: fat) columnist Tam Cowan who likes to make out that she is a wrinkled old bitch, the sarcastic tone she adopts for 85% of her replies...actually, I can't continue to list her good points, there's just too much coolness to cover in one article.
I love Joan so much that I decided to make this appreciation society. So far, the members of the appreciation society are me and my mate Fraser. It's relatively new. I'm hoping more kick-ass people will realise their deep down love for all things Joan, and they'll join me. If you want to join the society, just drop me a line. Oh, and make sure the subject name is 'Joan rules', or else I'll just delete it as punishment for you sucking so badly.
Those of you that don't know who she is just can't appreciate her brilliance. She has two basic replies. 1 - Use a condom and practice safe sex. Call a helpline. 2 - The relationship isn't working. Leave now. Call a helpline.
You see, she's so awesome that she doesn't have to put any more effort in. She can just flog off the writers with her two-step plan, because everyone that reads her page knows that she's the proverbial 'bomb' that all you kids on the street like to talk about.
Occasionally, she adopts the secret third reply, for people confused about their sexuality: "Don't worry, you're not gay." This is because Joan is privately a homophobe, and wants to convince gay people that they are straight. But who are we to say that this is wrong of her?
The best thing about this groovy old bird is the fact that she only cares about her own feelings. That's how the world should be. There's no time to pussy-foot around sensitive people. The world has a voice, and it should start saying what it is thinking. Just like Joan. Someone's taken a tumble down a flight of stairs, paralysing themself in the process, and can no longer score with chicks due to their unsightly disfigurements? Joan's verdict: Your fault, for being so fucking careless. This isn't a real example, but if it was, that's what she would say. Damn, she rules.
So I've taken the liberty of creating some Joan-a-like problems and solutions. These aren't of course real examples, because those of you that haven't been raised on the wonderful words of Joan couldn't possibly handle the sudden shock of looking at her actual work. You'd need to take it a word a day, and build up to reading entire letters/solutions. But these should give you a good impression of the woman that is...Just Joan!
"Dear Joan, I had a baby three months ago and I really love her. My boyfriend is so supportive of me, though I have noticed he has been drinking slightly more recently. Our relationship is generally a happy one.
The problem is that the baby is not my boyfriend's. He is aware of this, and that's why I so appreciate his continued support. You see, I was raped, about a year ago now. I was out clubbing with my mates, and I was flirting with this guy. Next thing I know, I'm pregnant with his baby. You're the only person I can talk to about this, as my boyfriend is partially deaf in both ears, so having a deep conversation with him proves frustrating. Please help."
JOAN: This is your fault for wearing provocative clothing and flirting with men. Have you ever heard of the Nazi party? They were pretty popular back in 1930s Germany. They were another group that liked to dump what they saw as the problems of the world onto the shoulders of other. They took no responsibility for the part they played in the dreadful state of the world. I suspect you are a Nazi. Maybe this will teach you not to wear skirts that end above your knees. Besides, he should have had a condom on. This is as much your responsibility as it is his. Didn't you think to stop and get him to use protection? You are an idiot and I hope you die.
"Joan, I am not anti gay, but I am really worried that my mate is homosexual. He has twice put his hand down my trousers and felt my scrotum. I also caught him having a massive sex orgy with fifteen men. Oh, and the other week, he was looking at the bananas in my kitchen rather suggestively. Should I approach him and ask him about it, or just keep my concerns to myself?"
JOAN: Look, you can't control your feelings. It is cool with me if you are anti gay, you can't help it. As for your concerns, just because a man gropes a friend's genitalia (twice), has promiscious sex with many men, and has a strange interest in your fruit bowl, doesn't in any way mean he is homosexual. He is just young and experimenting, and besides, we all know that homosexuality is really just a phase that everybody grows out of. So long as he is using a condom, I wouldn't worry too much.
"Dear Joan, I need some help. My husband and I got married a year ago, after being together for nearly ten years. We are really happy together. I recently discovered after some contact with him that James Cameron based Rose and Jack from his hit movie Titanic on us, after he saw us taking a hand-in-hand stroll through the streets of Los Angeles.
I was delighted, as was my husband, who bought me two Ferraris to show how great he felt about it. We have sex three times a day, and as we have had the hormones that control lust and passion removed from us in a bold scientific experiment, we can no longer find other people sexually attractive, so I know we will be together forever. Also, we have carved one another's names into our arms with sharp objects, leaving permanent reminders of our love.
The only problem - well, it isn't really a problem, I was actually unsure whether to write to you or not. Our relationship is so perfect and marvellous that it doesn't seem worth it. It isn't actually a problem, more of a slight qualm. You see, my husband let out an odourless semi-fart in bed the other night. I wasn't in the room at the time, but I overheard from the bathroom. It was ever so slightly annoying, but I barely remembered about it until I saw the word 'art' in a book I was reading. It was next to a word that ended in F, so it looked like 'fart'. Anyway, what are your thoughts on this incident?
JOAN: Typical male. Men are the root of all that is evil. Read through the Bible, you will find it is very one-sided towards men. Females are depicted as wrong-doers. This of course is not true. Blatant male/female segregation has been commonplace for all too long. I hate men. Listen, honey, this relationship is OVER. It was doomed as soon as you met him. This will hopefully show you not to rush into a marriage again. Only ten years pre-marriage, what were you thinking? Anyway, I advise that you leave this relationship immediately. It is better for everyone's sake just to end it and move on. I can only hope you've taken care to keep hold of your assets, particularly your house. If you need help with the seperation, call Seperation Help. Their number is in the Yellow Pages, I can't be arsed looking it up. Go find it, bitch.
Are all you non-believers beginning to see how much ass she kicks? I love her. If I could have any one woman, it would be big Burnie.
I better stop here, before I start thinking about how horrible it is that she doesn't have a problem page on Saturdays and Sundays. I still can't get over the pain of that. Joan, I love you.
Feel free to join our Appreciation Society. Peace, and much Joan-loving for all.