Lately at home, it seems that I am referee or peace maker or "the warden" more often than just good old "Mom".  It inspired me to make this page.  I have my own siblings (two sisters), and I remember our battles and even today's disagreements.  However, there is nothing like having a sibling, and I would not trade them for anything.  Hopefully, my own two children will grow up someday to feel the same way.   I cherish my sisters.

• Distinguish between feelings and behavior. All feelings are permitted (you don't have to love your sister; in fact, you can wish she had never been born), but actions must be limited (no hurting, kicking, biting).
  
• Understand the reasons for sibling rivalry. Each one of us—adult or child—wants to be loved uniquely, not equally. Most of us would not want to share our spouse with someone younger or cuter!
  
• Don't intervene unless someone is getting hurt. TRY, whenever possible, to let them work out their disputes by themselves. When you must intervene, do it neutrally and even-handedly without accusing (blaming) one child and absolving the other. Make a strong, brief statement, such as "There will be no hurting" or "I will not let one child I love hurt another" or "You have a choice. Either you settle it by yourselves, or if I have to intervene, you'll both be deprived." However, if they are so angry or out of control that they need to be separated, a time-out is warranted.
  
• Avoid asking "WHO STARTED IT?" That question assumes that one child is guilty and the other is innocent. "There's no such thing as an innocent sibling" is generally a good rule of thumb unless the younger one is under two years old and can't fend for himself.
  
• Remember kids often enjoy fighting. It's not boring. And often if you've got a moment's peace, it's a great way to get you off the phone or away from what you are doing, so you can focus on them!
  
• Encourage sharing, but realize that it is often hard to do. It goes against nature, because it often means getting less. When you have to share your M&Ms you get fewer for yourself!
  
• Total fairness is impossible. No matter how much you strive for fairness, kids may still say, "It's not fair." So treat them according to their needs, not equally. For instance, if one has a birthday, she's the one entitled to receive the presents. Tattling, in general, should not be permitted, especially if it is to get one sibling in trouble. However, if it's because someone is hurt or in need of help, that's the exception to the rule. And don't forget to notice when they're NOT fighting.

"Secrets to whisper,
Moments to share,
A sister's love
Is forever there."

"So God Created The Sister"

"Raising Siblings Peacefully"
by Jocelyn Miller, Ph.D.

The sibling relationship is one of the most meaningful and emotionally significant relationships that your children will have in their lifetimes. Siblings share a common family history and provide a rich environment for each other to learn about power and compromise, gender roles and themselves. However, sibling relationships are often fraught with competition and conflict. What can parents do to maximize the positives in how their children treat each other? Here are some suggestions. Please share your own ideas on our Sibling Rivalry message board.

1. Start by clearly stating your family values. Let your children know that sibling relationships are important and should be marked by love and affection. Tell your children, "He's your brother, and it is important for the two of you to get along. He's always going to be part of your life, and you will always have to deal with him." Don't just assume that your children know this.
   
2. Be specific about your expectations. Tell your children how you expect them to treat each other. Use consequences to enforce the family philosophy that siblings may not hurt each other physically or verbally.
   
3. Remember that it takes two to tango. Watch how you assign victim and perpetrator roles. For every kid who is doing a lot of hitting, there's usually a kid who is doing a lot of provoking.
   
4. Help young children problem-solve. Children under the age of six need help in resolving their conflicts. Instead of playing referee and solving the problem by punishing one or both of them, take an extra few minutes to walk young children through a problem-solving process.
   
   

   a. Identify the conflict. "What's the problem here?" or "Looks like you are having trouble getting along." Listen to each child describe the problem as he sees it.

   b. Encourage brainstorming. "What's the best way to solve this problem so you can get along?"

   c. Provide ideas if children get stuck. "What about trying this?" The most common resolutions involve sharing, taking turns or "agreeing to disagree" (not playing together for a while, agreeing that there are two different points of view).

   d. Verbalize the commitment to action. "Are you both willing to try it this way for a while?"
   

5. Effective parents treat their children as individuals. They do not apply artificial ideas of fairness or equality. If one child complains, "It's not fair! She got more pancakes than me," respond by saying, "Are you telling me you want more pancakes?" The issue of how many pancakes a child has is between the child and the pancake-maker. It has nothing to do with what the other child has or does not have.
   
6. Effective parents respond to the child's behaviors on an individual basis. They do not compare siblings. It is easy to slip into saying, "Why can't you be more like your sister?" or "Your brother never did anything naughty like that." Speak to each child as an individual when you are trying to change his or her behavior.
   
7. Effective parents reward siblings' positive interactions. Watch how much attention your children are getting from you when they argue or fight. Be careful not to reinforce conflict by paying attention to your children when they disagree but ignoring the times when they play well together.
   
8. Effective parents look at themselves. They know how much sibling conflict and competition they are willing to tolerate. Tussling with a brother or sister—either physically or verbally—can teach children how to stick up for themselves and be assertive in expressing their opinions and feelings. Be aware of the ways you might treat your sons differently from your daughters. Many parents will say, "Boys will be boys," but will they teach their daughters to give in rather than defend their interests?