Today has been a bad day. Today started out all well and good. I even got a call from a prospective employer for this summer. Thing is, I don't want to go away for the summer. But I know that if I don't then I will get stuck in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, and my parents will bother me till I find a job or go back to pizza pit. So I may as well find a job I like, that pays me something good. At least better than the waitress wage I made last summer at $3.25/hour. So I got a call. It was cool. I was excited. I have this feeling that I need to find myself. Soon. I don't know exactly what that means, as I think I know myself better than most people know themselves, but something is missing. Something inside me still lets me get down. Especially when I have to talk to those on my dad's side of the family. I feel so incomplete this very moment that I don't know what to do. I feel like part of my heart is missing. Maybe it is just the fact that I am kinda upset with Jough right now. He hasn't called me back afterall, and it is 11. What is more, its his day. And he isn't calling to gloat. What is more, I called him, upset, crying actually, saying I needed to talk. But alas nothing. If he calls right now I will probably hang up with him anyway. I have gone all day without him, may as well ignore him some more. So my day. Why so bad? Grandpa called. No bad news, just he called. I wasn't in the room so I called him back right after. We didn't really talk about anything horrible. He didn't call me fat. He didn't insinuate that I was a lesbian like he usually does. He didn't bother me about anything. We just talked about my brother and my dad a little. My grandparents can't see how much my dad hurts us. I tryed to get close to dad again. I actually even thought that he was starting to try and get close to me back. But then it all ended abruptly. Once again, I haven't spoken to him in some time. I blame myself a lot of the time. I blame myself cause I am used to him and grandpa blaming me. But I can't anymore. It isn't just me. When I email him he doesn't even write me back. At least I do that for him. I called my step-mom back after I heard she called one day, I waited a whole week before I decided that she wasn't gonna call me back. And all the while I truly...truly ache. Maybe they just don't think that I am gonna seriously try to be with them. Maybe they think I am just bluffing, or that it will only last a short while like things usually work out. But I wanted to actually try this time, and I feel that I did. I just don't feel that they did. Maybe they don't want me in their life anymore. Maybe dad has given up on me, I don't feel he will ever be proud of me as things are. I just...I want so badly to have this wonderful relationship with my father. When people ask about my dad I have nothing to tell them. I get to tell them that he is taking us to court so I don't really talk to him much, or I get to tell them that I am afraid of him. I am afraid of my father. Everytime I talk to him, or think of him, or think of my grandparents I cry. What is wrong with me? Is it that bad the things they have done to me??? My mom always says she doesn't favor my brother. She just knows that without her, without help that he won't make it in life. She knows that I will be fine. So why is it that I don't feel fine? Why is it that at least once a month I just break down and I cry so hard I can hardly breathe? Why is it that after things in my life start to get better, I still am not happy? Why does this still go on? Why am I sitting on my computer updating my journal sobbing my eyes out instead of out with my friends having a good time doing things that kids my age usually do? I realized one thing today, so at least the day wasn't a total waste. I realized that it is not getting a divorce in my life that I am truly afraid of. (thought that does scare me too) What I am really afraid of is that I will marry someone, and that that will happen to me, and that my kids will be in the same position that I am. That is they will have a father that they fear wants nothing to do with them. That the only relationship with their father that they will have is one of fear that totally and utterly consumes each waking moment of their lives. That their grandparents will call them fat, and make up stories about how horrible they have become. That they can only pray that God will take mercy on their souls. God that is enough pity for the night. Sorry bout the long bitching. I had no where else to go. No where.
. . .
To put it bluntly, its everything that you aren't. Its a blackness that consumes your heart and your mind, and the very depths of your soul even in the sunniest of days. Its never ending. It takes everything in your power to try and end up on top, and when you do its as if you just end up down in the dirt later on. Why try? Why care? You soon forget. Not only the answers to these questions but the answer to every question. So you do just what you dread. You cease to try. You cease to care. You lack the will and the motivation to live. You fear it. Day to day is as scary as your very own worst fear. Its blame at its very essence. Its the lack of everything, and anything. Even if your surrounded by people you still KNOW deep down that you have no one. Its haunting. Its infiltrates you. Its a plague of the mind.