Once upon a time, there was a cow named Moo. She could have had a normal life like any other cow but there was on problem. Her name.

Everyone knows that all cows go "moo." Well, except for a few cows that go "quack" but that's a different story. Anyway, Moo would respond at the sound of his name. And since cows go "moo," (except those very few who don't), Moo responded to every sound a cow would make. As you can see, this got to be extremely confusing.

So whenever a cow went "moo," Moo would respond, the other cow would say, "huh?", and in the very end, the other cow would think Moo was weird. Pretty soon, the entire community thought Moo was weird. And to prevent any confusion in the Cow Society, President Cow Gore banished Moo from the community...FOREVER.

Moo felt that her life had been ruined. She lost her home, her possessions, her friends, and basically her life. "Why me?" she would ask herself.

Well, Moo had a best friend named Mary who knew a barber named Harry who knew a salesclerk named Gary who knew a lawyer named Barry. Mary called Harry who called Gary who called Barry to help Gary help Harry help Mary sue Moo. Whew. And Barry was ready with a knack for cases like this. He was a well-trained lawyer from the Aliases Suing Society / Hearings Of Law Enforcement Society, also known tersely as ASSHOLE. Anyway, Barry decided to lay blame on an easy target, a favorite scapegoat, the...

...One Namer.

The one and only One Namer - isolated, mysterious, and doesn't like anchovies. The One Namer is the sole one namer. Go figure. And he names every living creature (there's no point in naming corpses) that comes into existence in this vast universe. The One Namer faces problems with naming people because there are only so many words reasonable enough to be names in the language, so he is sometimes forced to give some unfortunate ones undesired names, for example Moo.

So Barry called the One Namer to give him the news of the lawsuit.

Lawyer: Hello? Is this the One Namer?

One Namer: I suppose so. YOU called ME. So I presume you already know who you're talking to.

Lawyer: Fine. I'm here to tell you that I am suing you for naming my client an undesirable name.

One Namer: Well, I can change your client's name if he or she is willing to.

Lawyer: Nah. We'd rather have the money.

One Namer: Phooey.

Lawyer: So I'm here to sue you.

One Namer: You said that.

Lawyer: Okay then. I guess it's settled.

One Namer: But how much are you suing me for?

Lawyer: Oh yeah! I almost forgot. This is the best part.

One Namer: Okay...

Lawyer: Brace yourself. Tee-hee. Five dollars.

One Namer: Okay. So I'll see you in court tomorrow -

Lawyer: ...multiplied by three.

One Namer: Uh...I said bye!

Lawyer: ...multiplied by eleven.

One Namer: Oh dear.

Lawyer: ...multiplied by seven.

One Namer: Bye.

Lawyer: ...multiplied by four.

One Namer: I'm going to hang up now.

Lawyer: ...multiplied by eight.

One Namer: (pause) Oh good. Well I -

Lawyer: ...-teen. Eighteen.

One Namer: But I -

Lawyer: See you in court tomorrow.

In case you didn't already know, the One Namer was already currently having some psychiatric sessions, and this sure did not help. He was going to be sued. Well, the day in court came...

Judge: Order in the court!

Juror #2: Double cheeseburger, large fries, and a large Coke.

Judge: Huh?

Juror #2: Oh, and some ketchup.

Judge: Uh...anyway, Plaintiff, how do you plead?

Lawyer (Moo's side): Guilty as ****.

Court: GASP!

Judge: No profanity in court!

Lawyer (Moo's side): Sorry.

Juror #2: I'm hungry.

Judge: Defendant, how do you plead?

One Namer: Don't I get a lawyer?

Judge: You didn't ask for one. You speak for yourself.

One Namer: What?

Juror #2: In fact, I'm beyond hungry. I'm starving.

Judge: That's how this court works, One Namer. Call for a lawyer or defend yourself.

One Namer: How utterly ludicrous!

Juror #2: I must say...

Judge: That's how it works, kiddo.

Juror #2: ...that this cow in the plaintiff seat...

One Namer: You call that justice?!?

Juror #2: ...looks mighty tasty...

Judge: Look, I don't make the rules, okay?

Juror #2: I think I'll go eat him now.

One Namer: This is so ridiculous.

The next thing that happened was chaos. Pure chaos. A juror suddenly jumped out of his seat and began charging toward the plaintiff area. People began to scream at the sight of an insane, charging man with a knife. Papers flew. Briefcases fell. A hammer slammed. A cow mooed.