Shisou Hiei: Unspoken

by Take
 
 
 

Your laughter weaves around me, lifting my spirit and yet at the same time cutting like nothing ever has. How is it that you can have such power over me? Why do I allow you to? I am drawn, each time; intending to stay away, I find myself returning again and again. Returning to you, my greatest hope, my greatest fear.

"Hiei-san?" Your voice, shy and hesitant, breaks through my musings.

I feel something twist inside me; I know what you are going to ask, as you ask each time I appear. I force myself to look at you, trying to keep my mask of indifference in place. Don't ask, I want to beg. Don't make me lie to you, and hurt you again. But you always do, don't you? And I'm always obliged to wound you.

"Have you found my brother yet?"

Simple words, and yet they have the power to hurt me beyond belief. More so because unbeknownst to you, it is I we are discussing, and I because I know what I must answer.

"I-iie. Gomen, Yukina." My reply hurts you; I can see the hope fading from your eyes, to be replaced by disappointment. Each time I'm forced to lie to you, something dies inside.

You can see that I'm uncomfortable; thankfully, you let me go. I flash away, the memory of your wide ruby eyes lingering in my mind. Good, kind, innocent…

Everything I'm not. My promise to Shigure echoes through my head, and I feel my lip curling in self-disgust. I know that stupid promise is just something I hide behind. I could tell you who I really am without blurting it straight out, like the Fool probably would, brainless idiot that he is. No, the truth is that I'm afraid. Afraid of your rejection, of the betrayal and disillusionment that'll darken your clear red eyes. The destruction of any redeeming qualities I might have had, embodied in you.

The words I both long and fear to speak to you remain unspoken as once again I leave you for my place in the dark.

And they'll stay that way, if I can help it.