RamsNet FC 3-7 SBA FC

Another good day at the office for the mighty SBA, turning on the style and blasting home the goals against a RamsNet outfit who I wouldn't have described as particularly weak.

Thanks to a very gratifying response from the playing staff (cheers all!) I was able to accept Daaarby Dave's offer of a short notice fixture and, in blustery conditions on a bone-hard pitch in daaarkest Daaarby, we lined up thusly:

The touchline was also imbued with an embarassment of riches in the forms of Brigadier Beidas, Two Goals Fahy and "No Neck" Cassidy, a surprise late inclusion in the squad.

We won the all-important toss and I elected to kick with the wind in the first half, but the SBA got off to a shaky start: the ball broke and bobbled through the defence and RamsNet's midfielder strode onto it, only to put his shot narrowly wide of Pete's left-hand post.

After this tomfoolery, the SBA started to look the part: a silky skillful run and shot from Sam up front drew a great diving save from the Daaarby custodian. This in turn heralded a succession of corners; Banjo, with customary hubris, opted to take his left-footed and horrified us all by curling one directly into the goal for our opener. Just imagine- he was left-footed all along and we never knew...

If we were appalled by this, Daaarby were doubly so and did their best to force their way back into the game, but a snappy counter attack from the SBA led to a mix-up in the centre of their defence: I got hold of the ball and my shot ricocheted off the luckless covering defender, leaving the keeper helpless and the SBA two goals to the good.

The RamsNet redoubled their efforts, but another break up the pitch from the Sky Blues left Orca with an overlapping runner (me!), who he completely ignored, cutting inside to curl a beauty past the Daaarby keeper.

There was more to come from the SBA's voluptuous goal-hanger: more good work from Sam forced a corner and, after a few tomfoolerous happenings in the box, Orca calmly took the ball on his chest and turned a defender to slam home the SBA's fourth.

At this point, the ref blew for half time and we turned round 4-0 up, but facing the strong wind in the second half. Tim introduced Simon, David and Russ into the action, as replacements for himself, Sam and Banjo respectively. Having made the most of the conditions in the first 45 minutes, we knew it was imperative to make a good start in the second half: had we shipped an early goal, the Daaarby types may very well have got themselves back in the game.

We got off to a good start: from the kick off Orca went directly through the Daaarby defence in a manner I can only liken to that of a bowling ball. Only the last man spotted that he was actually going in a perfectly straight line and, accordingly, got a foot in to deny him his hat-trick.

That man Orca wasn't going to be denied, though: a good through ball (possibly from Mick) put David through. With the defender breathing down his neck, Dave showed great vision to square the ball; with Orca having got goal side of his marker, there was only going to be one outcome: the ball nonchalantly stroked past Daarby's unprotected keeper and a hat-trick for Mr Winkless. Fine work all round.

Despite playing into the wind, the SBA were still spending some quality time in the opposing half of the pitch. From a throw in on the left, I gave the ball to Orca, who laid it back. I put the my foot through the ball to send it flying past the opposing keeper, destined for the far side of the goal and glory everlasting. There was a final twist of the tale, however, as Russ, who had anticipated the flight of the ball perfectly, legged it in and NUTTED the damn thing before it crossed the line. Both ball and Cassidy encountered the net at speed, the SBA were six goals clear and it didn't look like I was ever going to get on the score sheet. Or so I thought.

At this point, Daaarby thought they'd given us enough of a head start and started scoring goals. Their first was well taken after a penalty area melee resulting from a corner. Their second had tomfoolery written all over it, as Pete's nightmare goalkeeping scenario of a total blunder came to pass. A long ball over the top, both Pete and the opposing striker went for it and Pete's attempted punch met only fresh air as the ball bounced over him into the goal. In fairness to Pete, he was actually distracted by the fact that he thought he was going to take the opposing player's head off.

Further gloss was taken off the SBA lead when I tracked back to cover a Daaarby counter-attack. Having legged it 90 yards down the pitch, my sole contribution to proceedings was to put the ball past Pete when I attempted to block a shot, drawing more invective from our hapless custodian.

With the situation starting to get a bit out of hand, from the kick off, Sam, who had been reintroduced as a left wing-back, was played straight into trouble. That the ball ended up in the Daaarby net ten seconds later says a lot about the way he played on the day. After winning an initial 50-50 challenge with the opposing winger, Sam set off down the pitch at an apparently unhurried pace, weaving round the defenders and arriving at the by line. His cut back found attackers queueing up, with Russ bemoaning his luck to be second in line behind Banjo, who had also been brought back on; the ball went in the goal and the SBA were jubilant once more.

This rounded off the scoring and a fine performance from the SBA all round. Conditions had the potential to turn the game into a lottery, but the team worked so hard all the way through the match to make sure that the result was only ever going to go our way. We had plenty of good technical players on the pitch, but what won us the game was the fact that everyone worked absolutely relentlessly throughout the whole 90 minutes. Pete in goal, clanger notwithstanding, commanded his area and kept the defence well organised. Steve was calm and efficient as ever at the back, behind Tim, Digger and, latterly, Simon, who coped well with the treacherous conditions and didn't give the Daaarby attack much change. Up the wings, Banjo weighed in with two goals and I got one, albeit in my own net, rubbing salt in the wound inflicted by seeing Russ pinch one with an excellent opportunist header. Mick, Joe and Lanie were combative and commited in the midfield, never giving the opposition a moment's peace. Up front, Orca banged in a rotund hat-trick, ably supported by Sam, who tricked and turned the Daaarby defence throughout the day. David also ran hard and linked up well with the midfield in the chaotic second half.

Another good result for the Sky Blues and we are left only with the formality of this week's Shooters and Rooters^tm, as nominated by Pete "Bollocks it's gone in, time to harangue the defence" Myton. This week's shooter is Russ, for denying me a goal (at the right end) with a well-timed header (this is the reason, exactly as Pete gave it.) Rooter status has been callously bestowed upon David for receiving the ball smack in front of the opposing goal and putting it out for a throw-in, in an otherwise excellent performance. Unlucky Dave, that's football...