Cheers to Pissed Jed Hardy and John McCutch for trekking over to Leicester for the international foolery, and particularly to Jed for knocking up this report in double quick time.

England Fans 2 Serbia & Montenegro Fans 5

The England fans relax for a moment before going off to smash up several bars in the Leicester area.

This game was organised by Leicester's Electric Yetis and Foxes Against Racism in an attempt to show the world that's there's more to England fans than racism & Burberry caps and more to Serbians than being the bad guys in Spooks, 24 etc. The game was played in fine spirit in front of the Central News TV cameras (OK - it was someones camcorder) and several minor dignitaries from Leicester Council.

The Serbians (fcuk Montenegro - I'm not spelling that out every time) had already won the first contest by claiming the right to represent Serbia from a bunch of Serbian asylum seekers who thought they had more right to represent what's left of their nation than a bunch of second generation Anglicised tax payers.

The Serbians were all players from Leicester Serbia a team that plays in one of the local leagues. England were made up from a ragtag bunch of dolites and malingerers from a number of internet fans teams including John McCutcheon and Jed Hardy from the SBA.

Serbia started the better and scored during their first attack (which admittedly lasted for about 20 minutes) when after the ball ricocheted of various arms knees and elbows and fell fortuitously to the feet of Milan Milanovic (I lost the teamsheet so all the Serbian players will have to be called Milan Milanovic - sorry guys) who scored from a few yards out.

This looked like it was going to be a walk over but England equalised on the half hour with a goal of pure Sky Blue. John McCutcheon got the ball on the left wing and... sorry I can't describe the goal because it was so good, so it's over to Big Ron for a full analysis...

"The big lad is stuck out on the left wing with nowhere to go but has done the full back with a lollipop and left him for dead. He's then pinged a cross into the box, early doors, but it's a crowd scene in there and to be honest he's been reading comics if he thinks anything's going to come of it. But I tell you what though, spotter's badge to Hardy he's a member of the wide awake club today, he's seen what's going on and has come in with an absolutely magnificent arrive at the back stick and has given it the full gun with his left knee and nearly burst the net."

Thanks Ron.

The game became more even after that and the half ended at 1-1.

Half time came and a few changes were made including taking off England's excellent goalie, er, John Smith and also introducing Emile Heskey's brother Rivelino Heskey (I kid you not). Again Serbia started better and soon went 3-1 up thanks to a superb shot from distance and a neat near post finish from the irrepressible Milan Milanovic. Heskey's camelesque cameo came to an end and England made another couple of substitutions to try to get back into the game (and to give all of the squad their contractually guaranteed min 60 mins on the pitch). This had an immediate effect as England pulled a goal back when the excellent John Smith crossed for John Smith to head in and set out in search of an equaliser. In doing this the England team lost all shape and discipline whilst the Serbs stayed organised and focused. This was a clear breach of national stereotypes but the inexperienced ref did nothing to stop it. England changed from a rigid 4-4-2 formation to an exciting but untenable 4-1-5 and Serbia had no difficulty of hitting another couple of goals (Milanovic & Milanovic) before the end of the game.