SBA FC vs Watford IFC: Match postponed due to ill omens
Panel verdict: score draw.

There was great excitement amongst the SBA when it emerged that I'd finally managed to wangle us a home fixture, having sent the team to all four corners of the globe (er... hang on...) thus far this season. Evidently the most excited was Sam, who immediately sent me a text saying "JACK ME OFF", although he later retracted this. Still, I've had worse offers.

Sadly, due to atrocious weather conditions during the latter half of the week, our Watford correspondent was forced to cry off, as his side weren't happy to travel.

Given that a number of people in Banjo's office had to stop over at work on Thursday night because the weather was too shit for them to get home, I had to concede that this was probably fair enough (albeit after some fairly violent swearing.)

Tim and I promptly busied ourselves with alerting players to the futility of turning up on the morrow, then I phoned Orca and cancelled the pitch. Several hours later, Orca rang back to double check this, since he'd been pissed when I originally phoned and didn't know whether or not he was imagining things. Class.

Sadly, we have still not had any visitors to Fortress Coventry this year: although we are scheduled to play the Ukraine at home next weekend.

As we are unable to produce a match report on this occasion, we are instead going to educate and enlighten you with our 100% Unofficial STD Awareness Workshop!

Everyone knows that a Sexually Transmitted Disease is not something you'd want for Christmas, but other than this most people are worryingly ignorant about the most basic facts. For example, did you know that you can get Chlamydia by shopping in Tescos? Or that most of the Catholic Clergy in the Greater Manchester area have got Spanish Itch? Or that you should never dip your knob in marmite?

Here are some helpful tips that should save you a trip down the clinic:

• Never have sex with foreigners
• Don't trust men with beards (goatees included).
• Try not to form relationships with people you met over the internet (particularly if it was via an agricultural forum).
• Vote New Labour
• Stay indoors and keep the windows closed
• If in doubt, remember the golden rule: Anal doesn't count!

_{Disclaimer: blah blah blah Unofficial, blah blah don't especially give a blah blah blah if you don't like it you can go to blah blah. Blah blah (blah blah), blah in the name of free speech and scientific progress.}