Here, for your education and edification, is the 100% Unofficial comprehensive squad list from Land Ut Gods '03, ringers and all.
Special thanks also to our hardy contingent of cheerleaders, Diane and Michelle, for an awesome effort making it up the M1 to see the day's tomfoolery, their reward for which was the foulest weather of the week.
And now, the squad rated and rooted.
| Player | Contribution | Shooter (best moment) | Rooter (quite the opposite) |
| Pete Myton | The Startled Cat, who led the SBA to their first tourny success at Huddersfield, was just as instrumental this time round. Always alert to danger, without ever getting flustered and demolished my bottle of whiskey into the bargain. | Five games, no goals conceded and a calming influence throughout the day. Plus excellent tourny report delivered in double quick time. | Pointed out that Lards' Dave looked like David Bowie. Look who's talking, rooter. |
| Cross Ross | On the few occasions when attackers made it through John and Tim, Ross was as effective as an Alligator Pit in halting their progress. Deservedly earned a share of the POTT vote. | Administering his boot to a Scunthorpe player in the same way that a vet administers a thermometer. | Continually protesting that he wasn't a Sweeper. Fooled nobody. |
| John McCutch | True quality again from one of our most versatile players. When he wasn't rattling in goals at the other end, he kept opposing strikers more anonymous than a nuisance phone caller. | The cool, cool finish which sealed our place in the semi final, in his only game up front. | Put bottle of cold water down my back in the shower. A joke's a joke, but that's just not funny. |
| Tiger Tim | What a first season in charge for the Tiger! Built on the success of M'Duck and got the whole team playing with belief in themselves and each other. The biggest difference was putting himself on the pitch (inspired selection or virtue from necessity?), where he kept quality opposing players under wraps all day. | Led by example in the final, kept positive, made all his tackles and made sure nothing was going to take the trophy away from us. | Accidentally left the trophy behind in a Huddersfield petrol station. (Just kidding) |
| Martin Spare | An outstanding wing-back performance up the left. Didn't leave the defence exposed once, but still took every opportunity to get down the line and give opposing full backs something to think about as well. | It's a bit out of order to say that Martin's best moment was getting kicked, but the penalty win in the semi turned the game in our favour. | Mentioning that an anagram of his name is "A SPERM TRAIN". Unlucky Mr Train, but so is "N. MARE-RAPIST", not to mention "PRAM-ARSE NIT". |
| Joe McKeown | The perfect host on the Saturday and a fiendish competitor on the Sunday. Pulled out all the stops for the team all weekend long. | An outstanding display in the semi-final. Wednesday didn't get any time on the ball and consequently struggled to create anything. | Voted for Ali as player of the tourny. |
| Micky Hibberd | Amidst all the tomfoolery, one of the few things I knew we could count on would be a quality performance from the Hitman and he didn't disappoint. Never knows when he's beaten, which is why he rarely ever is. | Stepped into central midfield for the quarter final and justified the change by continually winning ball in the air against players twice his size. | Only came second in POTT. You've let us down Micky... |
| Lanie Stan | Gave us everything we expected of him (and rather a lot that we didn't, as usual). Finally managed an injury-free tourny and provided that bit of magic that we needed, right at the end. | The low, fizzing drive that won us the tourny. I don't think any of the opposition believed that he could score from there. A tenth of a second later, none of them could believe that he HAD scored from there. | As the player that opponents would most like to kick, Lanie ought to be the last person to forget his shinpads, but forget them he did. |
| Al Evsalini | Although he was short of service up front, Ali got himself in the games, provided an outlet, kept positive and - fittingly - earned his solitary goal through sheer persistence. After heartbreak/ankle break in the 2001 win, really made his mark on the tourny this time round. | Scored a goal. | See shooter. |
| Ade Lards | Put in possibly the hardest yards of all. Now an adopted SBAite, and came so close to crowning a strong tournament with a brilliant dipping shot in the closing moments of the final. | Won Land Ut Gods with SBA FC. | Got the Wooden Spoon with Leeds Lards. |
| Dave Lards | In fairness to Pete's comments, he did look a bit like David Bowie, without quite having the same footwork. Arguably stronger in the air, though. | "Ziggy Stardust" is one of my favourite albums. | Turned into a dad rocker. |
| Jo from Scunthorpe | I was impressed with Jo's ability and attitude when we played against Scunthorpe, so I was delighted when we managed to recruit him for the quarter final, and with good cause as it turned out... | Didn't put a foot wrong once in his third game in two hours. | Played well against us, the rooter. |
| Danny Mac | Put out to pasture at wing back and had a side-on view of one of the best days of football I can remember. Physically and emotionally drained by the whole thing, but wouldn't exchange it for the World (hyperbole) | Doing the "Dirty Sanchez" celebration with a large trophy. Our large trophy. | A flagrantly ungentlemanly goal celebration in the opening game against the hosts which probably consigned us to a 9.30am start in next year's trophy defence. Better still, I then had the bare-faced cheek to slag Ali off for unsporting behaviour. |
Looks more like an identity
parade for an indecent assault victim.
Back please!