In the words of the great man himself, "do as I say, lads, not as I do..."
Well, stuff that: here's what's in Column B...
The acceptable way to kick a football
1. Place standing foot alongside ball
2. Lean head forward over ball
3. Extend kicking leg along same trajectory as spine
4. Lean right back
(it worked for those corner-takers in subbuteo...)
The acceptable way to head a football
1. Position oneself under dropping ball
2. Spring into the air
3. Close eyes and retract neck
The acceptable way to perform a slide tackle
Actually, pretty much anything's ok here; so long as you end with as many or more limbs than you started with, you can go in head-first if you want.
The acceptable way to mark someone taller than you
Stand on their feet and/or tie their bootlaces together.
The acceptable way to mark everyone else
One word: head lock
The acceptable way to perform megs
Don't fucking tempt me, matey...
The acceptable way to acknowledge skill and/or vision
Stop fucking around back there
The acceptable way to commiserate with a fallen teammate
I'll take the free-kick lads
Russ angrily responded: Very much enjoyed the Column B stuff - I think there's another tip for the heading skills but I'm not sure how to phrase it. Basically the trick is to figure out where the ball is going to drop and then get at least two yards ahead of it before following the three-steps you outline. This should guarantee that there isn't even the slightest chance of the thing touching your head. Oh yeah, and you should get your name on it as early and loud as possible so that you've got everyone's attention!
The other thing that you have to do is make sure that you slide through every puddle on the pitch, regardless of the actual location of the ball. I managed to get in a good one on Saturday, in a futile attempt to stop the third goal from going over - big splash, and me and the ball in the back of the net, the latter arriving barely minutes before the former. Oddly, this escaped comment from those present, but I'm sure I could here someone sniggering in Japan...
Finally, I think head lock is two words. I live for these moments. :) (DM- I believe the same could be said for "well, duh.")