Well I did this black because this is how I feel right now.. This has been a damn horrible day.. Ive been snapping at people and now think I lost the guy I talked about in a couple diary entries ago.. Well. Where to start?!?! Im not a bad person dammit! I am not! Why is it friends never stick by me.. Eccept for a couple friends I have nobody sticks by me.. I look around and all the time and I see people who I used to be friends with who dont even breath in my direction anymore.. It so sad and despressing.... Anyways my day.. Ive been working all weekend which is just wonderful.. then last night I was finishing work and was on gay.com chatting when I saw someone I know and was friends with.. I said hi and he started saying shit like he doesnt want to talk to a loser like me.. Well alot of shit was said back in forth.. anyways I went home and this stuck in my head and I started thinking.. I dont think im this bad a person that I go through friends like I do.. I know I give my trust too easy too people which I know isnt a good thiing. Anyways I was lying in bed when I got home and i couldnt sleep.. from 8am-1pm I was lying there thinking and crying. Well I know I have been really intense the past couple months that mainly stems from the fact im sick of being taken for granted by people.. Im sick of being used by people.. and even more so.. Its been 6 weeks since I have done ectacy.. WHoever says that the drug isnt addictive is damn wrong.. Cuz I am so damn emmotional since I have stopped.. But I was lying in bed thinking why so many friends have come and gone in my life.. and i started writing names.. Alot of names of people who I have been friends with who I either dont talk to anymore or I havent seen in a long time.. I kept writing.. and well when I say friends.. I mean people who I know there last name.. I know there number.. We used to talk on the phone.. we used to hang out... Anyways I came up with a list of 40+ names.. and i started thinking there must be something wrong with me.. Well I know the biggest problem with me before was doing drugs.. But now that i havent been like I was I dont see myself being a better person at all.. I guess maybe I should just stay by myself from now on because I know that my heart hurts more then ever.. It feels like about 50 people are stomping on it.. and thats a good day.. So what do I do now? I have no idea.. all I know is I shouldnt bother making new friends because there is something about me that hurts people.. I wish I knew how.. But thats life.. anyways.. thats it for this.. I need to go cry.. :(
PS: Attached is a Jann Arden song which is how I feel right now! |
