If Microsoft made movies...
1. You wouldn't be able to eat popcorn, drink a coke and watch the movie at the same time.
2. If the popper was popping corn, and they were selling a candy bar, the movie would pause.
3. They would announce that the next versions of the movie would enable colour blind people to watch in colour, and the deaf to hear it.
4. The film would break every 15 minutes and in the most important parts.
5. They would announce new breakthroughs in movie technology - colour and sound - forgetting that most other movies have had these for years.
6. Every new movie would require a new projector.
7. The projector would claim to take 32mm in film size, but in reality it would only show 16mm magnified to make it look like 32mm.
8. They would claim to have invented comedies.
9. They would promise you an action/ adventure flick starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandra Bullock, but it would be 3 years late and end up being a sappy love story with Jim Carey and Madonna.
10. Their projectors must have reset buttons, requiring you to start the movie over and over to have any hope of seeing the entire film.
The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun!
Who does he shoot???
Gates, twice to be sure.
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates appear before God. God says to them, "I'm going to destroy Earth in 2 days. Go back to your people and tell them." POOF! Back to Earth they go.
Clinton appears on U. S. television and says, "My fellow Americans, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we were right; there IS a God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy Earth in 2 days."
Yeltsin appears on Russian television and says, "My fellow Russians, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, we were wrong; there IS a God. The worse news is, he's going to destroy Earth in 2 days."
Gates appears on Microsoft closed-circuit television and tells his employees, "Microsoft employees, I have good news and better news. The good news is, God considers me a very important person. The better news is, WE CAN FORGET ABOUT ALL THOSE BUG FIXES FOR WINDOWS XP!!!!"
Windows Jokes
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
Windows 2000 is more secure than the OS X server... Since the machine is offline half of the time because of crashes, it cannot be accessed globally, therefore producing higher security.
Windows Error Messages:
Windows Error #01: No error... ...yet.
Windows Error #02: Multitasking attempted. System confused.
Windows Error #03: Unexplained error.
Windows Error #04: Reserved for future mistakes.
Windows Error #05: Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.
Windows Error #06: Unable to exit windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #07: Door locked. Try control-alt-delete.
Windows Error #08: Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.
Windows Error #09: Mouse not found. Press mouse button to continue.
Windows Error #10: Game Over. Exiting Windows.
Internet Explorer Jokes
Microsoft Internet Explorer and Marijuana:
1. You get both for free at first, but once you get hooked they raise the price.
2. Both will screw up your life eventually.
3. Microsoft and the drug dealer know that you'll come back for more.
4. Drug use and Internet Explorer use have dramatically increased in the last few months.
5. Both crash your system sometimes.
6. Both marijuana and Internet Explorer are advertised on TV.
7. Both drug dealers and Microsoft want you to redistribute their products to others.
Top 7 Internet Explorer Bugs:
7. When you press Ctrl-Alt-Delete-F10, the stock market crashes. Try it and see!
6. It fails in its industrial espionage mission to scan the hard drives of Larry Ellison, Scott McNealy, and Jim Barksdale.
5. Runs better on the Mac OS than on Windows.
4. Due to a last-minute switch by a frustrated programmer, the Help function brings up the Kama Sutra.
3. Browsing http://www.netscape.com/ crashes IE. Wait, that's not a bug.
2. Uninstaller for IE also deletes Quake.
1. Search for "Microsoft ethics" points you to http://www.mafia.org/.
Warning Labels:
Reasons why Macs rule:
1. Intel uses Macs.
2. IBM uses Macs.
3. PC Week uses Macs.
4. The cool "waah" sound at startup.
5. 40 viruses, not 38000. We love you windows.
6. No one says "I work on a Mac at the office but I have a PC at home because it's so much fun to use.
7. Star Wars Special Edition - made on a Mac.
8. Star Wars Episode 1 - used Macs.
9. Star Wars Episode 2 - to be made on a Mac.
10. Babylon 5, Lost in Space, Star Trek TNG, Star Trek Voyager, Star Trek DS9, Star Trek's 2,3,4,5,6,7,8 & 9, Dark Skies, Xena: Warrier Princess, The X-Files, Goldeneye, Tommorow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, Sliders, Contact, Mortal Combat, Men in Black, Spawn, Titanic, Herculies, AND LOADS LOADS MORE.
11. Bill Gates' mansion was designed on a Mac.
12. If you have a paperclip, you can probably fix your Mac.
13. Macs don't have the infamous Windows key to accidentally hit and throw you out of your application into Windows, often causing the program to freeze.
14. FREE speech recognition software (as opposed to the less sophisticated, $300 system as offered by Microsoft).
15. The first Pentium commercials were done on (pre-Power PC!!) Macs since they couldn't get PC's to perform at that speed.
16. Mac OS X server is about four times faster than Windows servers with equivalent clock speed processors.
17. Windows requires illegal narcotics in order to enjoy it's graphical interface.
18. None of those Internet Explorer "exploding desktop" bugs.
19. DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions ofs are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
20. Built-in sound, with no need to install, configure, or troubleshoot a "SoundWhacker" card.
Top reasons why Macs suck:
10. You can't use 5-1/4" floppy disks.
9. You can't go shopping with your friends for a Sound Blaster board because Macs don't need one.
8. Your 500 MHz G4 Mac does integer calculation equivalent to a 1,8 GHz Pentium, but you can only brag about 500 MHz.
7. Networking a Mac is not an impressive feat.
6. Macs don't come in black, and we all know black cabinets make computers faster and louder.
5. You have to add a system extension to make Mac menus stay down like Windows. We like pokey menus because it's too hard to hold that heavy mouse button down while we read.
4. And the Mac mouse is too slow. We want our cursor to fly wildly off the screen when we twitch our wrist because hyper cursors make our PCs look faster.
3. You just plug Macs in and they work. Where's the challenge in that?
2. When you add stuff, you just plug them in and they work, too. Again, no challenge.
1. Your clients and teachers know about Numbers 2 and 3, so they expect Mac users to deliver results, not excuses!
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