It is strange, losing a loved one, my Mother.  You get a small amount of cash and yet you don't want to spend it.  It was her little nest egg.  Her savings that she was proud of.

It was ok to buy the statue for that is precious and personal, but the rest.  The money is to hard earned and precious to just blow on bills or clothes or food.  It doesn't seem right to buy other things either, dvds , cds etc.

I've decided to honour Mum and that money.  I will buy myself a treadmill for exercise.  Mum would like that, keeping fit!!  :)  And the rest I believe I will put towards a holiday for me and her grandson.  I know she would her only grandchild to continue having the odd holiday.

But then you think about it - would she REALLY agree to these ideas of mine?  If you try to find answers like these when she is no longer with us here, you could go crazy!  So I think of it logically and I believe she would want me to share the money for 'good' things for my son and I.

When it comes to death and the emotions raised and felt during these hard times you seriously wonder whether you grew up at all?  Are you just still a 17 year old girl inside flesh that is 38?  It feels like it.  You feel young, along and vulnerable.

6 months on I can say now that I understand why death is one of the most stressful times anyone can face in life... boy was I niave before!  I had sympathy for people who lost a dear loved one, but I never fully understood it.

We live and learn,
Padmapani Devi