DOWN  WITH  THE  SHIP

 

Scene opens on Jack and Rose, embraced and leaning over the railing of the ship. The name S.S. Titanic can be seen below the railing. A watchman is to stage left on a rise, peering into some binoculars.

 

Jack: *SNORT!* (spits over the railing) See Rose, that’s how it’s done.

 

Rose: Okay. (hacks and coughs, finally produces a luggy and spits over the railing) How was that.

 

Jack: You’re getting better, just try and have more phlegm with it.

 

Rose: More phlegm? Like this? (snorts like a sick dog)

 

Jack: No more like this. (snorts like a pig digging for roots)

 

Two of them hack and snort back and forth, finally spit together

 

Rose: Oh, that one was chunky!

 

Jack: Aw, you’re so cute.

 

Jack and Rose flirt for a while when the watchman lowers his binoculars and yells out

 

Watchman: 10:40 pm and all’s well!

 

Jack: (notices something off toward the audience) Hey look an iceberg.

 

Rose: What?! (suddenly freaked out) Wh-where?

 

Jack: Just out there, see? Dead ahead. Wonder if they see it.

 

Rose: Well Jack, you see it, shouldn’t you go tell someone?

 

Jack: No, no, no problem. I’m sure the crew notices it.

 

Watchman: 10:41 pm and all’s weeeeeellll!

 

Jack: Well, maybe not…

 

Rose: Jack, we got to do something!

 

Jack: You’re right Rose. We should go below deck and make out, right now, come on. (starts to lead her by the arm)

 

Rose: Jack! If you don’t tell someone about that iceberg we might hit it!

 

Jack: It’s okay, this ships unsinkable! I read it on the ticket.

 

Watchman: 10:42 pm and aaalllls weeeeelllll!

 

Rose: Shouldn’t you go tell the captain or something?

 

Jack: I can’t tell the captain, he won’t listen to me! Look, once we get below deck it’ll be okay, come on-

 

Rose: He’ll listen to you!

 

Jack: Rose, I’m just one guy, I can’t convince this whole ship that there’s an iceberg out there. Okay, so what if I go and tell them, and like it’s no big deal and we would have missed it anyways, I mean, I would feel so dumb!

 

Rose: Well then… (getting frustrated) tell that watchman guy up there so something!

 

Jack: I don’t-

 

Watchman- 10:43 pm and all’s-

 

Jack: Shut up! Look, I don’t want deal with your little iceberg crisis right now, okay? They got eyes, let them see the natural disaster heading our way.

 

Rose: We NEED-

 

Jack: Oh, it’s always about other peoples needs, isn’t it? I can’t meet everyone’s need, I can just meet my own, and my needs right now is to go make out, so lets go!

 

Rose: The iceberg!

 

Jack: Get off your stupid-

 

Watchman: WATCH OUT!!!

 

Huge sound of crash, everyone shacks around on stage. Maybe ice cubes are thrown at them from off stage.

 

Rose: What was that?!?

 

Jack: (look of shock on his face) Ummm…

 

Captain comes out on deck

 

Captain: What’s going on out here!?

 

Watchman: Captain! (runs across stage to him) We’ve hit an iceberg! We couldn’t see it! We’re gonna sink! We’re gonna die! We’re gonna DIE! (going hysterical)

 

Captain: Quiet man! (slaps him twice) Pull yourself together! (yells to back stage) We’re sinking! Women and children first, women and children first!

 

Several girls shriek and run across the stage and off the side, taking Rose with them. A moment later Josh Brage runs across and dives in with them.

 

Watchman: What about us sir?

 

Captain: You get the other 1000 passengers off this tub.

 

Watchman: What about YOU sir?!

 

Captain: I shall go down with the ship, as is my duty. Quiet I bummer though. If only someone had told us a few minutes earlier we could have missed it and avoided this horrible tragedy.

 

Jack: (eyes wide with horror of what he’s done. Looks to the Captain) Are you gonna cry?

 

Captain: Someday we’ll know.

 

Curtain