******
****
Thomas Green Fessenden's description of the famous Don in , Democracy Unveiled as related by Christopher Caustic, required a bit of sleuthing to discover that Thomas Jefferson was none other than the man from La Mancha, Don Quixote. One only needs to follow the dotted line to find the hero of Spain in his new role. And of course his side-kick, Sancho is found to have established his island empire in Massachusetts as promised by Quixote. Panza masquerades as that famous money man who wrote A Pickle for the Knowing Ones, The Man of the East, Timothy Dexter. In gaining his position of power Sancho was aided by John Hancock and Alexander Hamilton(!) as he acquired seemingly worthless continental money and securities issued by the state of Massachusetts which were redeemed at full value by the government of the United States and made the man of the dapple ass most wealthy.
. While Cervantes tweaked and twiddled Spain into accepting that men in iron suits were not the answer to a fair maiden's prayers (whether the maiden be of flesh and blood or of the more stately statue), his famous bumbling pair did much to satisfy the public's desire for a salve to cover the wounds inflicted by the nobility. And while the potion devised by the Don was too strong for mortal men, but it did well in purging Sancho of his desire for immortality. Alas, and as Sancho discovered, the passing of the tonic returned him to his old ways and he continued to seek the islands in the sun promised him by his man of destiny.
In mid-sixteen hundred, Samuel Butler discovered the two Spaniards had crossed the English Channel following the infamous battles between the two countries which cost Spain its position as Champion of the Seas. In researching the bastardized versions of Cervantes books by English authors, Butler was able to trace the two and found them living a quiet life within the Church community. He stirred them to action and at once they took the bear-baiting challenge in which they were successful in seeing that Cromwell remained buried (or at least his remains remained buried), after which they then returned to the pastoral life. Record of this will be found in Samuel Butler's , Hudibras.
It was only after the French and English resumed their warring and brought into the dispute the new settlers of Columbia that it became obvious that once again Don Quixote and Sancho Panza were to play a major role in exposing and defeating tyrants. Such it was that Thomas Green Fessenden following the lead of Butler, sought out these two famous men. However, tired they were, they agreed to play a part in the future of the new land. But instead of claiming their rightful place in the ways of government, they down-played their roles and only a brief glimpse now and then reveals them without their disguises.
Sancho, the more obvious of the two, is to be found in his new role, for as in the two past lives, he just couldn't remain quiet. Here then is a touchstone to Timothy Dexter, aka, Sancho Panza. And Thomas Jefferson, aka, Don Quixote. For much of what is written, we owe gratitude to that scribe, Christopher Caustic who and the Arab before him, preserved these musings. Sancho Panza needs no one to promote him and as the "First in the East" regales the reader with his self aggrandization.
Sidi Mahtrow
06.12.2002
THE ARGUMENT
Having no where to else to turn
Sancho Panza seeks money to burn
Promises by his World famous knight
Came to nothing as they might
Embodied in a poor man's cloak
He found himself in New England, broke.
But aided by the Jeffersonian-Hamiltonian
Team of Politicians he was made a new man
Money flowed from all quarters
Cornering the market's a good place for starters.
Now rich and (in)famous to degree
As Dexter; he sets out to leave a legacy.
Timothy Dexter; born industrious and humble, but wise,
Was none other than Sancho Panza in disguise.
With business success he added the title
Of "First in the East" to his Lord Dexter mantle.
Timothy Dexter made his fortune by,
The old fashion way -- by buying low and selling high.
Following Alexander Hamilton's lead
He cornered the market for legal specie.
He exported bed warmers to tropical paradises.
Why bed warmers to a place like the Indies?
Luck would have it, or as we shall see, �twas heaven sent
As the molasses trade was in need of equipment.
Thus a bed pan and its lid
Was modified by the local talen - ted.
Skimmers and ladles they did become
For refining of molasses (And, oh yes, rum.)
He shipped woolen mittens to the tropics as well,
And as usual made a fortune as he knew how to sell.
Dexter's mittens found their way to Russian maids
As shipping was and is, made up of international trades.
Dexter had his estate, loyal dog, horses and fine carriage,
All he lacked was success in marriage
Which gave him a son not too bright
And a wanton daughter, a suitor's delight.
As a patron of the art,
He put the horse before the cart
On his estate, he wanted marble statuary
To establish his place in history.
Alas, he discovered the great cost
And his sculptor convinced him that nothing's lost
In doing the carvings in wood instead
And painting would add color to a lifeless head.
His sculpture garden became the "wonder" to see
Tourist flocked to Newburyport Massachusetts by the sea.
They were always welcome, the pretty ones especially
Who had to keep an eye on the Lord who had want to dally.
It is fair to say that the Massachusetts blue-noses
Tried to ignore Mr. Dexter and his wooden poses.
But as he wisely invested vast monies in properties
In the area, there was no avoiding him with propriety.
Far in advance of the Rockefeller, Dodge, and railroad barons,
Timothy Dexter supported the arts in his environs.
He had a resident poet who composed verse about,
Who else? Why Lord Dexter, of course, need we tout.
To preserve for posterity
That which he knew with clarity
He wrote A Pickle for the Knowing Ones,
A book in which he pulled no bones.
When we are following Lord Dexter's well placed lead.
The "First in the East" would have us freed,
From rules of writing as they are taught
For Lord Dexter, they came to naught.
Its good to note that each time
We seek words to rhyme
Or misplace a punctuation mark,
Or seek synonymes in the dark,
Misspell a word,
Unable to follow rules absurd,
Use improper capitalization,
And create run-on sentences in desperation,
Writing that which seems perfectly clear to us
But is an enigma to others, we'll make no fuss.
Not to worry if you please,
We'll learn from Dexter's idiosyncracies.
What genius Timothy Dexter (Sancho Panza) did possess
To anticipate our educational system at its best,
wher ifn it fels gud do it
Is the motto of those who are with it.
Sidi Mahtrow
06.12.2002
(From A Pickle for the Knowing Ones. Published in 1848. This section, not to be found in the original 1802 issuance by the author was added sometime later.)
"How did Dexter make his money ye says bying whale bone for staing for ships in grossing
How did Dexter make his money you say? Buying whale bone for stays for ships weighing
three houndred & 40 tons � bort all in boston salum and all in Noue youk under cover
three hundred and forty tons. I bought all in Boston (Salem) and all in New York under cover.
oppenly told them for my ships they all laffed so I had at my -
Openly (I) told them the stays were for my ships and they all laughed, so I bought them at my
oan pris I had four Counting men for Rounners they found the horne as I told
own price. I had four Counting house (bankers) men for runners. They bought the lot, as I told
them to act the fool I was full of Cash I had nine tun of silver on hand at that time �
them to act the fool. I was full of cash, had nine tons of silver on hand at that time �
all that time the Creaters more or less laffing it spread very fast here is the Rub �
All that time the creatures were more or less laughing. It spread very fast. Here is the rub �
in fifty days they smelt a Rat � found where it was gone to Noeebry Port � spekkelaters
In fifty days they smelt a rat. Found (the whalebones) were sent to Newberryport. Speculators
swarmed like hell houns � to be short with it I made seventy five per sent � one tun and halfe of
swarmed like hell hounds. To be short with it, I made seventy five percent -- one ton and half of
silver on hand and over � one more spec � Drole a Nuf
silver on hand and over. One more speculation, drove them nuts.
I Dreamed of worming pans three nites that thay would doue in west inges I got
I dreamed of warming pans three nights, of what they would be used for in the West Indies. I got
no more than fortey two thousand � put them in nine vessels for difrent ports and tuck good hold
about forty two thousand. Put them in nine vessels going to different ports and sold them.
I cleared sevinty nine per sent the pans thay made yous of them for Coucking � very good
I cleared seventy nine percent. The pans they were used in cooking. Very good
masser for Coukey � blessed good in Deade missey got nise handel Now burn my fase the
for cooking molasses. Blessed good indeed, missy, they have a nice handle. Durn my face, the
best thing I Ever see in borne days. I found I was very luckky in spekkelation.
best thing I ever saw in all my born days. I found I was very lucky in speculation.
I Dreamed that the good book was Run Down in this Countrey nine years gone so low as halfe
I dreamed the price of the good book was run down in this country for nine years. It had gone
prise and Dull at that � the bibel I means I had the Ready
so low as half price and the market was not interested at that, in the bible I mean. I had the ready
Cash by holl sale I bort twelve per sent under halfe pris thay Cost fortey one sents
cash to buy wholesale. I bought at twelve percent under half price. They cost forty one cents
Each bibble � twentey one thousand � I put them into twenty one vessels for the west
for each Bible. Twenty one thousand dollars. I put them into twenty one vessels for the West
inges and sent a text that all of them must have one bibel in every
Indies and sent a message that all of them (the West Indians) must have one Bible in every
familey or if not thay would goue to hell � and if thay had Dun wiked flie to the bibel and
family or if not they were going to hell. And if they had told wicked lies to the Bible and got on
on thare Neas and kiss the bibel three times and look up to heaven annest for forgivnes
their knees and kissed the Bible three times and looked up to heaven and asked for forgiveness
My Capiteans all had Compleat orders � here Coms the good luck I made one hundred per sent
My captains all sold out. Here comes the good luck, I made one hundred percent
& littel over then I found I had made money anuf I hant speckualated sense
and a little over. I found I had made money enough and I haven't speculated since.
old time by government secourities I made or cleared forty seven thousand Dolors � that is the
Old time with government securities, I made or cleared forty seven thousand dollars. That is the
old afare. Now I toald the all the sekrett No be still let me A lone
old affair. Now I have told you all the secrets. Be still and let me alone.
Dont wonder Noe more houe I got my money boaz.
Don't wonder no more how I got my money, boys.
Here ends Sancho Panza's (or Timothy Dexter's if you prefer) tale of fortune making. Now is revealed the activities of Don Quixote asThomas Jefferson, third president of the United States as told by Thomas Green Fessenden in Democracy Unveiled, 1805.
ARGUMENT.
WITH reverence due, and vast humility,
Approaching Don Perfectibility,
We laud the man by Demo's reckon'd
A sort of Jupiter the Second,
Whose most correct administration,
In annals of Illumination,
Will ever shine superbly splendid,
A long time after time is ended!
WITH awe scarce short of adoration,
Before the Glory of our nation,
With scrape submissive, cap in hand,
I, Doctor Caustic, trembling stand;
And offer with that veneration
Due to his highness's high station,
My services, to daub and gloss over
A philanthropical philosopher.
The mighty Chief of Carter's Mountain,
Of Democratic power the fountain,
I would extol; his favour buying,
By most profound and solid lying.
Sure never lucky man of rhyme,
Was blest with subject so sublime,
For ere his virtues I've reported,
I shall, or ought to be � transported!
Touch'd by my pencil, every fault
Shall fade away like mount of falt,
Which late, �tis said, in weather rainy,
Was melted in Louisiana.
Posterity fhall puff the statesman,
Whom I will prove is our firft rate's man,
Nor Gaffer Time shall dare to tarnish
The character I mean to varnish.
Some say our Chief regards religion
No more than wild-goose, or a pigeon;
But I'll maintain what seems an oddity,
He's overstock'd with that commodity.
That man muft have religion plenty,
Who soars from "no God," up to "twenty," �
No doubt, of common folks the odds,
As "no God" is to "twenty Gods."
Though his High Mightiness was skittish,
When menac'd by the bullying British;
The Feds are wrong to make a clatter
About the Carter-Mountain matter.
�Twas better far to make excursion,
By way of something like diversion,
Than like un-philosophic hot-head,
To run the risk of being shot dead.
Such saving prudence, mark'd a sage,
A great man of a former age,
High Falstaff, famous as our head man,
Thought honour nothing to a dead man.
I'll make it plain as College Thesis,
Our Chief as bold as Hercules is,
By proofs which must confound at once,
Each carping, scurrilous, Federal dunce.
A Chief who stands not shilly shally,
But is notorious for � a Sally,
Might Mars defy in "war's dire tug,"
Or Satan to an Indian hug.
Therefore, ye Feds, if you should now hard
Things mutter of a nerveless coward,
Twill prove your character, ye quizzes,
Black as an Empress's black phiz is.
�Tis true some wicked wags there are,
Who laugh about this dark affair,
But I can tell the shameless faction,
They ought t' admire the same transaction;
And did they rightly comprehend,
How means are sanction'd by the end,
They'd change their grumbling tones sarcastic,
To eulogies encomiastic.
For I will prove, sans disputation,
Our Chief has wondrous calculation;
And is in Politics, as able
As Mazarine or Machiavel.
For where's a readier resource
For that sweet, "social intercourse,"
Which at a grand inauguration
Was promis'd this our happy nation.
And if, by his example, he goes
To recommend the raising negroes,
The chance is surely in his favour
Of being President for ever.
A southern negro is, you see, man,
Already three fifths of a freeman,
And when Virginia gets the staff,
He'll be a freeman and an half.
Great men can never lack supporters,
When manufacture their own voters;
Besides, �tis plain as yonder steeple,
They will be fathers of the people.
And �tis a decent, clever, comical,
New mode of being economical,
For when a black is rais'd, it follows,
It saves a duty of ten dollars.
And he's a wayward blockhead, who says
That making negroes or pappooses,
Is not consistent with the plan,
Of Tom Pain's precious "Rights of Man."
Then Mister Opposition-prater,
Since that reproach to human nature,
The most nefarious Guinea trade
May fall by Presidential aid, �
�Tis plain your best and wisest course is,
With Antifeds to join your forces,
And all combine to daub and gloss over
Our Philanthropical Philosopher.
Though gossip Fame may be a talker
Of an attempt at Mrs. Walker,
Philosophistical perfection,
In morals can have no defection
.
And I'll maintain he is consistent,
His conduct has'nt a single twist in't,
If, having twenty Gods, he drives
To have at least as many wives.
Among our New-School Rights and Duties,
There's no monopoly of beauties,
And he's a churl who will not lend
His pretty wife t' oblige a friend.
And no man who's old and frigid,
Or most unreasonably rigid,
Will e'er "oppugnate" this morality
Of such a pretty genteel quality.
Though he imported Thomas Pain,
(For Chronicleers have lied in vain)
T' oppose with acrimonious vanity,
Law, Order, Morals and Christianity.
�Twas right, for ought I can discover,
To send and fetch the fellow over,
For freedom with his aid may chance,
to thrive here as it does in France.
But though our Chief to all intents is
A paragon of Excellences,
The wicked Feds are always prating
Matters the most calumniating.
For I've heard many a crabbed Fed,
While things like these he muttering said,
Though I stood tortur'd all the while in
A state which set my blood a boiling.
A fine man he to head the nation,
The very soul of fluctuation,
�Twould take the stamina of two men
Like him to make out one old woman.
What though the Democratic host,
His wisdom and his talents boast,
For pelf or office I would lay all
I'm worth, these men would worship Baal.
Demo's may white-wash all they can,
They cannot quite disguise the man,
But something of his native hue,
With all their daubing will peep through.
Wisdom � in him descends to cunning,
Talents � a knack at danger shunning,
Morality � to be complete in
What some old fashion'd folks call cheating.
In literature his reputation,
A fabric is, without foundation,
Those works which please his party, some say,
Are quite exuberant and clumsy.
What though he writes with some facility,
What fascinates our wise mobility,
Who always find out something grand in
Whate'er is past all understanding.
With all his sophimore's rotundity,
Will all his semblance of profundity,
Pore pages over you'll not see a
Novel or well expressed idea.
His stile is tinsel, glare and whimsy,
No lady's novel half so flimsy,
As full of downright contradictions
As Ovid's works are full of fictions.
And, what ideed we might expect,
His morals are incorrect
As are his writings � froth and flummery
Express them both in manner summary.
Was it not something like hypocrisy,
To please the looking-on mobocracy,
For him to sob, and sigh, and groan
O'er the green grave of Washington.
When this same gentleman had paid
One, who set up the lying trade,
A scoundrel from a foreign nation,
To blast that Hero's reputation?
Is it not true he left no stones
Unturn'd for � Gabriel Jones?
Or does he learn from Rights of Man,
To cheat his neighbor when he can?
Thus spake this muttering son of slander,
Which made it plain to each by-stander,
He was a rogue belonging unto
The most nefarious Essex Junto.
Now should I ever hear again,
A grumbler mutter such a strain,
I'll teach the knave by dint of banging,
A prettier method of haranguing.
For know, ye stubborn Feds, that I
Am very nearly six feet high,
Stout in proportion, own a cudgel,
For those of Jefferson, who judge ill.
With plenti-potent paw, a club in,
I'll give each wicked Fed a drubbing,
Who wont humillime succumb,
At beat of our poetic drum.
And kneel before th' mighty man,
Who leads the Democratic van,
The glorious Chief of Carter's Mountain,
Of Democratic power the fountain.
The theme of demi-adoration,
The very right-hand of our nation,
Compar'd with whom, all Heroes must rate
As Gun-boat liken'd to a first rate.
And though I shan't have much to say t' ye,
You'll find my arguments are weighty,
Withal, so manfully propounded,
If not convinc'd, you'll be confounded.
But now my modest, little Muse,
Who drips with Hyblaean, honey dews,
Her curtsey makes, to curry favor
With Federal gentlefolks, who waver.
Good Messrs. almost Democrats,
If you were not as blind as bats,
Before our Chief, your trembling knees on,
You'd deprecate his wrath in season.
No more at Jefferson be railing,
Nor scout the party now prevailing,
Although the tail has "got the upper"
Hand of the head, for want of crupper.
z
The character of this our nation
�Tis time to place on some foundation,
Which may without deceit declare
To all mankind just what we are.
And if Americans are Jockies,
If public virtue but a mock is,
Then, � "Hail Columbia! happy land!"
Where scoundrels have the upper hand!
But let Columbia be contented,
As she's at present represented,
Nor at our Democrats be vext,
Lest their great prototype come next.
Now I'm a man who would not keep ill
Terms with my sovereign friends, the people,
Have therefore strove, with main and might,
To wash their Ethiopian white.
Then I might suit them to a tittle,
Have stretch'd the truth, and � lied a little,
For which my complaisance, I beg
They'll hoist my Bard-ship up a peg.
Or two, or so, for I've a notion
That none can better bear promotion;
And I'll accept of any thing,
From petty Juryman to King.
Besides, I fancy that his HIGHNESS,
Wont treat his Eulogist with shyness,
But compliment me with a pension,
And fine things which I need not men tion.
Thomas Green Fessenden, 1805
As the Famous Don pledged himself to the mistress of Toboso, so did he as Jefferson pledge himself to Sally. As you can read, the women in their lives seemed to always be just a bit untouchable.
Irving Wallace's book, The Square Pegs and Samuel Knapp's Life of Lord Timothy Dexter; Embracing Sketches of the Eccentric Characters That Composed His Associates; Including "Dexter's Pickle for the Knowing Ones are worthy references. Knapp's book is only occasionally available through book sellers on the Internet.
A tribute to Timothy Dexter, First in the East, author, patron of the arts society scion, astute investor and exporter. Most men would be pleased to be remembered for having a single stroke of genius which enriches himself and the world, but Timothy Dexter was not like most men.
As an author he should best be remembered by his book, A Pickle for the Knowing Ones that lead the way for James Joyce, e. e. cummings and others. This small rare volume avoided the problems of punctuation, capitalization, rules of grammar and the like. Lord Dexter (and surely he deserved the title, although self anointed) wrote free-style, one long sentence from beginning to the end of the book. And in recognition that perhaps the learned reader would miss the punctuation so prevalent in other writings, the Lord added an additional page to the book when it was reprinted. The following is a quote from all printings after 1838: "fourder mister printer the Nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops I put in A nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as they please
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
.............................................................
................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....................
...................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........................
......................!!!!!!!!!!.............................
...........................!.................................
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
..................????????????????????.......................
Thomas Green Fessenden's writings are not plate but silver of the finest that can be shaped by man. As he explained:
"I have divided the poetry, although of the Hudibrastic kind, into four line stanzas. For this singularity I am not positive I can justify myself. The division appeared to me to give the work an apophthegmatical appearance, and to facilitate the reading, and by (if I may be allowed an Americanism) locating each line with more precision than would otherwise be done, to assist the memory of the reader.
I am likewise aware, that I shall be accused of puns, alliterations, iterations, and other deviations from the precise path in which their reverences, the critics, would fain have me walk.
"With these grave fops, who, (bless their brains)
Most cruel to themselves, take pains
For wretchedness, and would be thought
Much wiser than a wise man ought
For his own happiness to be, �
Who what they hear, and what they see,
And what they smell, and taste, and feel,
Distrust, "till Reason sets the seal." �
With whom
Not one idea is allow'd
To pass unquestion'd in this crowd,
But ere it can obtain a place
Of holding in the brain a place,
Before the Chief in congregation,
Must stand a strict examination,"
Churchill*
(* Charles Churchill, 1731 - 1764, English poet, curate of St. John's Westminister. The Roscaid, and The Apology harsh satires that along with his profligacy led to obligatory resigning office.)
(Preface to , Democracy Unveiled or, Tyranny Stripped of the Garb of Patroitism. Christopher Caustic, Boston, 1805, Printed by David Carlisle for the Author.)
******
Joe Wortham's Home Page , About Joe Wortham , Directory
Questions? Comments? [email protected]