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Washington via newswire (July 1, 2002)
Nol-lop Commonwealth
Mr. and Mrs. Timothy Dexter announce the engagement of their daughter Ella Minnow Pea to Mr. Abe C. Def-Ghi. The couple will exchange vows at the island resort of Nol-lop (21 miles southeast of Charleston, South Carolina) where Ms. Pea spent her early years. Following a brief visit to Denmark and the ancestral home of Mr. Def-Ghi, they will return to the quaint Florida town of Swiftmud where Mr. Def-Ghi's company, Comma.com has its headquarters.
A pre-nuptial celebration will be hosted this evening in the home of Mr. Mark Dunn, long time business associate and friend of Ms. Pea. The antique centotaph in the town center has been restored to much of its original condition with four original tiles not to be replaced, according to the wish of the Grand Council. In accordance with the wishes of the council, those letters indicated by an asterisk, abc*efghi*klmonp*rstuvwxy* are to be unused in communications.
The announcement and those that follow are amended to read for publication in the island paper, Nollopiana.
Nollopiana, Nol-lop Commonwealth
"Mr. an* Mrs. Timothy *exter announce the engagement of their *aughter Ella Minnow Pea to Mr. Abe C. *ef-Ghi. The couple will exchange vows at the islan* resort of Nol-lop (21 miles southeast of Charleston, South Carolina) where Ms. Pea spent her early years. Following a brief visit to *enmark an* the ancestral home of Mr. *ef-Ghi, they will return to the *uaint Flori*a town of Swiftmu* where Mr. *ef-Ghi's company, Comma.com has its hea**uarters."
A pre-nuptial celebration will be hoste* this evening in the home of Mr. Mark *unn, long time business associate and frien* of Ms. Pea. The anti*ue centotaph in the town center has been restore* to much of its original condition with four original tiles not to be replace*, according to the wish of the Gran* Council. In accor*ance with the wishes of the council, those letters indicate* by an asterisk, abc*efghi*klmonp*rstuvwxy* are to be unuse* in communications.
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Washington via newswire (July 2, 2002)
Nollopiana, Nol-lop Commonwealth
Several reporters atten*ing the reception at Mr. Mark *unn's resi*ence were arreste* an* hel* without bail for 24 hours pen*ing their assurance that they woul* leave the islan* imme*iately. Reporter *aniel E. Koshlan*, past e*itor of the prestigious maga*ine, Science, was foun* to be in contempt of court for comparing court procee*ings to that of the Massachusetts Bay Colony. "Strict laws will be nee*e* to protect people from themselves, analogous to the brilliant principle of *estroying the village to save it." he is reporte* to have written. Having expresse* this genuine statement of fact, *r. Koshlan* was note* to have an evil smirk on his face which offen*e* those in atten*ance at his hearing. Accor*ingly, he was given thirty *ays at har* labor in the islan*'s seawee* fuele*, ecologically soun* power plant.
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Washington via newswire (July 2, 2002)
Nollopiana,, Nol-lop Commonwealth
The entire city council of Swiftmu* Flori*a is visiting Nol-lop and participating in the festivities celebrating the engagement of their leading citizen, Mr. Abe C. Def-Ghi to Miss Pea.. This morning they hoste* a breakfast at the "Smelly Lagoon" fish house for those who ha* brave* the inclement weather. Toastmaster for the event was none other than Michael Molligan who remin*e* the group that Swiftmu* (aka SWFWM*) was implementing far reaching changes as to how water was to be use*. Accor*ing to Mr. Molligan they have "*etermine*" that there is nee* for regulation even though water is now in greater availability than before. "Limiting irrigation to twice weekly is the most efficient use of water resources," Molligan sai*, "Anything more is simply wasteful." When questione* why then restrictions limite* water use to a single *ay per week, he replie*, off-recor*, that conservation always makes goo* sense an* revenues from fines ha* become an important source of fun*s for the town which must expan* the number of employees in line with the increase in violations being prosecute*.
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Washington via newswire (July 3, 2002, 10 am)
Nollopiana, Nol-lop Commonwealth
Mr. Molligan is reporte* to have escape* a police *ragnet for him by use of a fishing boat that ha* apparently been hire* in a*vance for just such flight if found to be necessary. His lawyer who is now hel* safely behin* bars, claime* that they ha* immunity from prosecution as resi*ents of the state of Flori*a an* were unaware that it was illegal to take a shower an* flush toilets from four o'clock in the afternoon until nine the following morning; hours when the sanitation plant is close*. Whereabouts of the Swiftmu* city council is unknown and they are thought to have left with Mr. Molligan.
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Washington via newswire (July 3, 2002)
Nollopiana, Nol-lop Commonwealth
The Boar* of Ethical Control for Schools has contracte* writer, William Graham Sumner, for a secon* e*ition of "The Text-book of Cooperation." The book, an authoritative exposition of the Cooperative Commonwealth in the commune form, is to superse*e all other books except the primer, writing-book, an* elementary arithmetic. Town council sai*, "We have *one with all the ancient rubbish. All books which have not been *estroye* are now un*er the control of the Boar* of Ethical Control. Especially we are now ri* of all pernicious trash about history, law, an* political economy. The secon* e*ition of Dr. Sumner's book will contain all that a goo* cooperator nee*s to know. Its tone is strictly ethical. By separating all chil*ren of incorrigibles an* survivals from their parents an* e*ucating them base* on the teachings of this book, we may soon hope to bring all capitalistic tra*ition to an en*."
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Washington via newswire (July 3, 2002, 3pm)
Nollopiana, Nol-lop Commonwealth
The contract for "The Text-book of Cooperation" was hastily with*rawn by the Boar* of Ethical Control for Schools, when it was *iscovere* that Sumner, now long *ea*, ha* been oppose* to governmental authority an* ha* written his essays not to enlighten but to *iscourage!
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Brussels via newswire (July 3, 2002)
(correspon*ent Jane Tenenbaum to Nollopiania)
Nollopiana, Nol-lop Commonwealth
The European Union commissioners have announce* that agreement has been reache* to a*opt Engish as the preferre* language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government has conce*e* that English spelling has some room for improvement an* has accepte* a five-year phase* plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro, for short).
(Nollopiania is the weekly, aca*emic journal foun*e* by Nathaniel Warren that provi*es the citi*ens of Nol-pia with all the news that's fit to print.)
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Washington via newswire (July 3, 2002)
(Wall Street Journal)
Nollopiana, Nol-lop Commonwealth
Comma.com became the latest technology stock to flame, when it was *iscovere* that the foun*er an* majority stock hol*er, Mr. Abe C. *ef-Ghi, ha* move* corporate hea**uarters to the islan* republic of Nol-lop.
The town of Swiftmu*, Flori*a is in *ifficult straits as Comma.com was the only business entity in the town an* the resi*ents are now totally *epen*ent on state ai*. Following announcement of Comma.com's move, communities within the state are reporte* to have cancele* all *ealings with Swiftmu* as it appears to be a classical case of pyrami*ing that somehow ha* escape* regulators attention *uring the hey*ays of the 90's.
It remains to be seen whether relocation of Comma.com to Nol-lop will be beneficial to the islan*. An over-*epen*ence on community services an* re*uest for a tax-free status has straine* the tenuous relationship between the foun*er an* the islan*s infrastructure.
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Washington via wireservices (July 4, 2002)
Nollopiana, Nol-lop Commonwealth
Immigration officials at Charleston report the arrival of Miss Ella Minnow Pea and her live-in boyfrien*, Mark *unn. They have requeste* political asylum. When asked for an interview, Miss Pea graciously refuse*, but Mr. *unn with his abrasive New Jersey accent, tinge* with a trace of Memphis slang said, "Gotcha!" before they *eparte* for what is assume* to be a place far away from the Commonwealth of Nol-lop.
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Ella Minnow Pea, Mark Dunn, Mac Adam/Cage Publishing, 2002. Joe Wortham's Home Page , About Joe Wortham , Directory
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